A Guide To Surviving Nuclear Armageddon

When i was a youngster during the Cold War in the 1980's, we all feared the bomb and then in 1989 it all ended and climate change then became everyone's favourite existential crisis but now with Russia making threats about using it's nuclear arsenal, India and Pakistan a tinderbox, North Korea handing out threats like sweeties and Israel going the full genocide, Nuclear Armageddon is back.
Of the 9 nuclear bomb owning nations, 2 (Russia and Israel) are fighting a war as you read this, 2 (India and Pakistan) have just finished one between themselves and 2 (China and North Korea) are shaking their fists at neighbours while America is currently being run by a total moron who asked an advisor why, if they had them, why can’t they use them.
World War 3 then could come from any of these and it was only as few months ago that nuclear armed Israel bombed Iranian nuclear sites in pre-emptive self defence (since 2007 Israel has said that Iran were mere weeks away from their own nuclear weapons) in order to achieve peace, whilst dropping  more bombs than were dropped on London in WW2 on a captive population and starving a population to death while executing 100s of people who line up for the tiny amount of aid they let in.
So if nuclear Armageddon is back on the table, how does one survive a nuclear explosion?
Luckily, we got told this back in the day so let me dust off the parts of my memory from the 80's and see what i can recall.
First, if you see a nuclear explosion don't look at it as it will burn your eyeballs out. The good news is if you can see the explosion then you are far enough away not to be vapourised and die immediately.
Second, don't stand their congratulating yourself too long because next is the shockwave and you only have a few seconds to lay on the ground and close your eyes and open your mouth so your eardrums, lungs and other bits don't burst from the air pressure.
Congratulations, you have not been vapourised and the shockwave didn't get you so next it is to either find a fallout shelter or the next best thing, get yourself underground to avoid the nuclear fallout which will soon be raining down on you and don't be swayed by the films and comics that a generous dose of radiation was a guarantee that you’d gain superpowers. A slow, painful death is much less exciting than being able to crawl up walls or turn into the Hulk but so try and grab some warm clothes and some snacks because you may be down there for a while.
If you see some cockroaches in your hole then that's a good sign, i distinctly remember being told those critters could survive a nuclear explosion.
After about 2 months the radiation should have cleared enough to clamber back to the surface but then your next action is to get as far as possible away to find cleaner, breathable air and avoid people who didn't read this post and are by now forming mobs of radioactive mutants.
The good news is that if you follow my advice, you will survive.
The bad news is that so will the very people who started the nuclear war in the first place because they will be the safest people on the planet when the Plutonium hits the fan but at least the following nuclear winter will balance out the increasingly warming climate so silver linings and all that.