Special Guest Blogger: Beelzebub

Hey there, Humans. It’s your neighborhood not-Devil, Beelzebub. Yes, that guy. The one who was the very first victim of Religious Cancel Culture. Ugh. I could kick myself for that or preferably I will kick you if you keep calling me the Devil. Again.
Let me be clear: I’m not the Devil so please stop conflating me with him.
Let’s rewind to the beginning where I was first mentioned in the Hebrew Bible where I was not a red-horned ball of chaos but actually the name of a much loved Deity.
The Christian theologians who did like to make anyone that was not their own Christian God look bad, saw my fancy title Ba’al Zebul (Lord of the High Place) and went full creative by subtly changing my name to Ba'al Zebub (Lord of the Flies).
Suddenly, I went from a peaceful Deity to a demon, rebranded as the Prince of Demons, one of the seven deadly demons or seven princes of Hell and the middle one in the Triumvirate alongside Lucifer and Leviathan, then the chief demon. Then the Devil’s cousin. then the Devil’s alias just because their Jesus needed a villain.
My life’s work was rebranded by guys with quills and vendettas by the newest religion in town and by the Middle Ages, I’d been fully absorbed into the Satan mythos. Medieval artists, bless their charcoal-dusted hearts, gave me cloven hooves, a pitchfork, and a general attitude of enjoying torturing you.
Newsflash: I’m not the one tempting people with forbidden knowledge. That’s the other guy. The one with the cool snake aesthetic. Me? I prefer flies. Flies are underrated.
They’re like, 'Here’s a plague of diarrhea, have a nice day'.
I was the second in command in Hell but the New Testament made a complete pigs ear of everything and made me and the Devil the same guy and then I disappeared for thousands of years while Satan’s got the big tour.
You might be thinking, why does this even matter? which is a fair question. Shouldn’t the Lord of the Flies be above worrying about human confusion?” And you’d be right, if I weren’t so over people misquoting me.
For instance, when you recite the Lord’s Prayer and say: 'And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,' you’re technically asking to be saved from… me? No! You’re asking to be saved from the other guy! I'm assigned specifically to the sin of Gluttony, that would be me making you eat the entire 14" pizza and the entire tub of Quality Streets in one sitting.
Look, I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m not even asking for recognition. Just… accuracy. Next time you’re writing a horror movie, choosing a Halloween costume or scribbling in a curse jar, double-check your sources.
Hell, you could even apologize by saying 'Dear Beelzebub, we are so sorry for mistaking you for the Devil for the last 2,500 years' which would be nice, us Demons have feelings too y'know!