Fast forward to today and instead of being surrounded by a wall of Trump memorabilia, a bookshelf crammed with The Bible and The Constitution, instead i got assassinated by a rogue coalition of globalists and deep-state operatives.
I literally went from from standing on a university lawn explaining how birth control medication screws up female brains while brandishing my Bible and a copy of The Constitution to having a permanent spot on the front page of every left-leaning Twitter feed.
Before getting to the end which suddenly, quite dramatically, ends in a bullet to the neck, let’s rewind the tape and I was born in a small town and my first words were, 'Jesus loves the United States.' My dad taught me how to fix a car and how to spot a liberal from a mile away instilled in me three core values: faith, freedom, and the unshakeable belief that the CIA is spying on us.
From the moment I could hold a pen, I was scribbling arguments that the Founding Fathers would have wanted women to follow the biblical model in relationships and the Civil Rights movement was wrong.
I remember the first time I saw a Donald J. Trump rally on TV. It was 2015, and my mom was watching The Ellen Show. Suddenly, Trump appeared, his hair a glorious, golden comet of confidence. I turned the volume up, grabbed my first MAGA hat (hand-made, of course), and thought, That’s the man who will finally put God’s name on the front page of every newspaper.
From then on, my life became a series of I’m right, you're wrong moments whether it was debating the true meaning of the First Amendment or why shooting big holes in schoolchildren is a sacrifice worth making for our second amendment rights.
Between Sunday school, high school football, and endless re-watching of The Apprentice for educational purposes, I cultivated a love for two things, the truth (as told by my favorite President, Donald J. Trump) and a good, old-fashioned, 2nd-amendment rifle.
When I started my own think-tank , Turning Point USA , I figured, Why not give the world a place where free-thinking patriots can gather and discuss the true reason behind why the Government wants to replace all public drinking fountains with overpriced juice bars.
We hit every campus, set up booths with complimentary red MAGA hats and held talk-outs on topics like Why the Bible is the original manifesto (and why you should read it before any other textbook), how gun control is just a fancy term for the government’s way of making us all defenceless and how the mainstream media can’t tell you the truth but you can always trust a YouTube commentator.
And let me tell you, nothing felt better than seeing a freshman’s eyes widen when i patiently explained that the Covid distancing prohibitions was a plot against Christianity.
My growing fame earned me a place on the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Targeted By The Illuminati list but little did I know that list would become, quite literally, a prelude to my own assassination.
Picture this: I was invited to debate American gun laws at Utah Valley University. It’s a crisp September afternoon in 2025. The birds are singing and I’m wearing my favorite red baseball cap, a 'Jesus & Trump 2024' T-shirt, and a custom-made GOD LOVES YOU (even if you’re a tree hugging lefty) badge pinned to my lapel while the audience was a sea of bewildered liberal arts majors who probably thought Constitutional rights were a new indie band.
As I step onto the stage, five-foot-nine tower of unshakeable confidence, Bible in one hand, a copy of the Declaration of Independence in the other, and my trusty Make America Great Again cap perched on my head like a crown. I see the student crowd and I open my mouth to deliver the opening line, 'The right to bear arms is God-given, and if you think we shouldn’t have guns, you might as well be asking God to take away your Wi-Fi and I’m here to tell you why.'
The debate went as well as you’d expect when you throw a handful of biblical verses, a sprinkle of Trump’s most famous tweets, and a dash of the deep state is trying to take your guns into a room full of philosophy majors and then I heard a pop of a gunshot echoing across the quad.
The crowd erupted. Some students screamed, others started a chant that sounded suspiciously like “Maybe we should have less guns?” In that moment, my mind was a whirlwind of 'What the…?' mixed with when i said that some gun deaths every single is worth the cost to have the Second Amendment, I obviously meant the death of other people and not my own.
It was a divine moment, proof that God is sometimes too busy to be always watching over us but now that the dust has settled, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what this whole episode taught me and each blessed by Scripture and Trump’s tweets so to my supporters, keep fighting the good fight, keep waving those flags, keep quoting the Constitution, opposing gay marriage and most importantly stay vigilant and armed because although a faith-based approach to personal safety never hurt anyone in America, a bullet proof suit of armour sure helps.
In the name of Jesus, Donald J. Trump, and all the patriots who refuse to let the Libs ruin our day...Amen.
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