Special Guest Blogger: Krampus

You’d better watch out because i may be a Christmas spirit but i am more like Satan than Santa. One is a jolly rotund fellow with a fluffy white beard. The other is a menacing shaggy-haired Eastern-European monstrosity with hideous curling horns and huge red tongue. We both do carry a sack though. Not for the same reason.
I see myself as part of a carrot-and-stick approach to children’s behavior. Good kids are rewarded with lovely gifts from Father Christmas’s magic sack. Naughty kids get a visit from Krampus who stuffs them into my sack and carted off back to Krampus HQ to be punished and by that i mean eaten.
But I don't want you to think that i'm all bad, in some regions and traditions I do actually bring gifts. Okay, so they are evil gifts for horrible people, but it’s the thought that counts isn’t it? If you are an adult who despises children, I will sometimes supply such practical gifts as whips, chains and big stickswith which to punish and bludgeon the little’uns.
In many European countries, December 5th is Krampusnacht (The Night of Krampus), a sort of Halloween do-over featuring groups of often inebriated Krampuses (Krampi?) roaming the streets and frightening people.
As its name suggests, it's a gloriously extreme costume parade complete with shockingly ugly make-up and all dedicated to me.

Special Guest Blogger: John Snow

Cholera is a nasty disease and it was everywhere when i was growing up and thought someone should have done something about it, so i did.
I grew up in a poor neighbourhood and was very well-acquainted with the terrible sanitary conditions but drinking foul water didnt hinder my knack for grasping maths and got taken on as a a medical apprentice where i came across many ailments but one particular disease soon emerged constantly, Cholera, which was thought to have been an airborne disease at the time.
I sat and had a think about it one weekend and the common link was polluted water and unsanitary conditions but the older doctors refused to listen, insisting it was airborne and the disease went on uninterrupted whilst we argued about it until one outbreak in Soho killed 500 people in a small area.
I began asking around in the area and worked out that most of the victims had used a shared water supply from a pump but in the same street was a brewery and none of the workers had fallen ill and found that the workers drank a company beer allowance each day instead of drinking water and the brewery’s had its own separate supply from a well out the back.
I got the polluted pump closed down and then another outbreak in Deptford killed 90 people and again it turned out that the victims had all been using the same pump for their drinking water but the authorities were asking for evidence and i had to find a way to show that the sewage which was regularly dumped into the Thames was killing a large number of people who relied on the river as a water source and some water companies drew their water from the Thames downstream of the main sewage discharge.
I found that the rate of cholera fatalities in homes supplied by companies that drew their water from the Thames was a whopping 14 times the rate of those who used other sources and these results attracted the attention of the British government, who banned the collection of drinking water from anywhere downstream of the sewage discharge.
Amazingly many of my medical colleagues were unconvinced and editorials and letters in medical journals continued to advance the airborne theory, and ripped into my ideas of it being in the water supply.
But then something curious happened, my discovery motivated London to build a massive new sewer system that would carry all the wastewater out beyond the tide-line of the Thames and feeling kinda smug, while working in my office i suffered a stroke and died six days later.

Special Guest Blogger: Michael Hutchence

Many music groups tend to meet each other while at school, make up a bands and give it a ridiculous names and INXS was no different. We all met at Davidson High School and went with the name Doctor Dolphin.
My original plan was to be a swimmer but a broken arm put paid to that so my fallback was to become a poet but that developed into songwriting for the Dolphins who by now was called The Farriss Brothers, then The Vegetables and finally INXS as suggested by another Australian Band, Midnight Oil, because we sucked at band names obviously.
Throughout the early 1980's, INXS kept chugging along and establishing themselves in Australia with me as the frontman and then in 1988 and our second album, Kick, and the 'Need You Tonight' single from it, launched us into global fame and five MTV Video Music Awards came around in 1988, INXS’s name came up several times. The music video for 'Need You Tonight allowed us to take home five awards.
In 1990, INXS released the hit single 'Suicide Blonde', inspired by my then girlfriend Kylie Minogue and the public loved us even more and we were winning BRIT Awards and I beat Bon Jovi and Prince as Best International Male Solo Artist and we were flying and then it all came crashing down because our third album sank.
The band took a rest but i never, dating Belinda Carlisle, Helena Christensen and Kym Wilson and i became labelled a wild man of rock when i became embroiled in a few brawls with journalists and one Danish taxi driver in-particular who fractured my skull on the pavement and damaged my brain and i lost my senses of taste and smell.
Then i was asked on the Big Breakfast and met Paula Yates, the wife of Bob Gedolf who was just as wild as me and it ended as obvious as you would expect, me hanging myself with my belt from the door handle in a hotel room while high and drunk.

Special Guest Blogger: Hillel Slovak

My parents came to America from Israel in the 60's when i was 4 and when they gave me a guitar as a bar mitzvah present, it set in train the rest of my very short life.
I had a knack for it and people said i was like Hendrix, unfortunately not in just the guitar playing as i will explain later.
I met Antony Kiedis and Michael 'Flea' Balzary, named because he was always bouncy around, at school and we talked a lot about music and experimented together in the drug scene.
We attempted to put together a band but Flea had no interest in playing the bass so we had to convince Flea to change his mind, and then make him into a decent player because he had never played bass before.
Me, Flea, and Kiedis worked on our own music and formed a new band that we called Tony Flow and the Miraculously Majestic Masters of Mayhem, then The Red Hot Chili Peppers but we had to stand out from the other bands so we played naked, except for socks or rather one sock which wasn't worn on our feet.
During the early years of Red Hot Chili Peppers, we made a pact not to do any heavy drug's while touring, so instead we drank oursleves into stupors instead and we put out some albums but by now Kiedis could barely function due to his heavy drug use so and whilst everyone worried about him, my own drug use when unmentioned.
Obviously our drug use was starting to affect the success of the band but our album,  The Uplift Mofo Party Pla, was a hit and took us to a new level of fame and mayhem so we deiced to quit but my withdrawal symptoms made me unable to fucntion so iwas replaced by DeWayne McKnight and Keidas threatened to sack me unless i got help.
When the tour ended the band tried to contact me but after weeks of no reply, they finally sent officers to my home to check on me but they were days too late because i wasn't okay, I was hunched dead over my front room table.

Special Guest Blogger: Greek Goddess Artemis

I was the result of a wild fling between Zeus with a lovely lady called Leto. He was married to Hera at the time, and not wanting his wanton ways to reach her jealous ears, changed himself and Leto into quails. Gods can do that sort of thing. Especially randy Zeus, who must have experienced sex in the guise of almost every animal at some time or another.
So Zeus laid Leto, and Leto laid me and it must have been a double yolker as my brother Apollo was born at the same time.
Having a sex-mad quail for a dad can put a girl off men so when i grew up, i ran off into the wild and took to hunting with a band of women’s liberation Nymphs (particularly the Dryads) such as Callisto, who joined me in the vows of chastity.
Despite the hunting, I did care deeply for animals but i had little respect for human males. When a prowling peeper called Acteon caught sight of me bathing naked in a pool, i hounded him to death with his own hounds. Then the Great Hunter Orion got belted into oblivion with the aid of a large scorpion when he was doing the same pervy thing.
There are many ‘hunting accidents’ when the name Artemis crops up but nobody was willing to point their finger at me, probably because I would just chop it off, but i wasn’t a complete man-hater, as my efforts on behalf of Hippolytus show, bringing him back to life after Aphrodite had him killed.
My temple at Ephesus contained a statue of a female who, it seems, had undergone breast implants on a multiple scale. She was festooned with them and the busty statue was actually Cybele, a Goddess known for having lashings of lust (and bloodlust).
In due course the Romans came and changed my name to Diana and my public relations were much improved. Now I am the top Goddess of the feminist movement and an inspiration to animal rights activists, as long as quails aren’t involved.

Special Guest Blogger: Shannon Hoont

If you were a teenager or a young adult in the early 1990s, you knew the music of Blind Melon, our hit single 'No Rain', that one with the tap dancing bee girl, was everywhere.
I was a normal teenager, with a girlfriend, the occasionally run-in with the law, and enjoyed a bit of weed every now and again and thought i could be a musician.
I made a band called Styff Kytten and in 1990 LA was where the music scene was and it was at a Party that i found my bandmates and taking the name from a 1920's Blues Musician, Blind Melon was born.  
We began playing around LA and writing music and Capitol Records came around and offered a record contract and I got in touch with an old friend of my sister’s who had also moved to LA, Axl Rose, who asked me to sing backing vocals on the band’s 'Use Your Illusion' albums so next time you listen to 'The Garden', 'Live and Let Die', and 'November Rain', that's me singing in the background.
Hard Rock was not where i wanted Blind Melon to go though, we were not a rock or grunge band so we moved to North Carolina away from the influence of the hard rock scene in California and went down a more pseudo-psychedelic sound.
Rick Parashar, famous for producing Pearl Jam’s debut album Ten, worked with us on our debut album and the single No Rain with the young girl dressed as a bee with was big on MTV and people were paying attention to Blind Melon and we opening for major acts like Guns N’ Roses, Ozzy Osbourne, and Soundgarden then the rock and roll lifestyle opened its enticing and dangerous doors to me.
During the next two years of touring i was fully into the rock star lifestyle, alcohol and substance misuse became a problem for me and ended up doing multiple stints in rehab and then went to record the second album and although grunge music was one of the most successful styles to emerge in decades, we were determined that Blind Melon was brave enough to be different regardless of whether or not that was what the world wanted which it turned out it didn't.
Our later singles and albums tanked but we went ahead with the tour anyway and the record company employed a drug counselor to help me through any difficult times but the counselor was fired after only one week, I decided that an all-night binge was the answer to my problems  and if my problem was being alive it did because i crept back to the tour bus and promptly died from a drug overdose.

Special Guest Blogger: Egyptian God Osiris

Mr Big of the Egyptian Underworld, that's me, in charge of the Dead End scenario and married to the beautiful Isis which is kinda cool considering i was a green-skinned deity with a pharaoh's beard, partially mummy-wrapped legs and wore a crown and carried around a crook and flail.
I was quite content to rule Vegetation and Fertility until I was knocked off by my evil brother Set, who chopped my body up in many pieces, locked my body in a chest and chucked it into the Nile.
Luckily, nothing is ever that simple when it comes to the Gods, and the chest was washed up on the shore, stuck in a giant tree, turned into a pillar and relocated to the palace of King Byblos where Isis, having searched high and low, eventually found it.
Poor Isis had to collecting bits and pieces of her dead husband until she had every last scrap and then got  Thoth and Anubis to help put the jigsaw puzzle of me back together.
Luckily there were no pieces missing. Except one pretty important bit, my penis .
Summoning all her Godly Reconstruction powers, which were pretty formidable, she managed to fashion another one made out of gold and thankfully fully functional so she breathed new life into me and she became pregnant with Horus hours later.
Thanks to my Underworld connections, I was promoted to Judge of the Dead where you could be thrown to the fiery pits and the soul-eating demon Ammit to be annihilated or reborn.
I know that religion has moved on since my time and now there is a real pick n mix available but i would like to think that at least some of them picked up the idea of a resurrection and being thrown into a fiery pit if you are a sinner.

Special Guest Blogger: Rick Danko

The Band may sound like an unremarkable name for a legendary rock group but I wasn’t exactly the flashy headline-grabbing frontman although i did mange to pack in more tragedy, addiction, drama, and danger than most rock stars could ever dream of in my 56 short years on the planet.
Regarded as one of the pioneers of the Americana genre, the twist was we were actually Canadian but i started out in The Starlights but was sacked for being anti-social so joined The Levon and it turned out the girl I had been dating already had a boyfriend who tipped off border officers that I was  smuggling a trunkful of pot. The result?
Chaos, suspicion but not a trunkful of pot, just a small amount in our pockets but they were still going to bust us for that anyway.
Our drummer came up with a plan to get his girlfriend to seduce one of the key officers in a seedy Toronto motel and then afterwards, telling him she was underage and it worked because he fled and the case fell apart.  
Bob Dylan hired us as his backing band but it was just as he was turning to electric guitars and the atmosphere was awful but we still had fun on tour, or we did until one night when i was a little too drunk and a little too high and challenged a bandmate to a car race through the twisting mountain roads and I plowed right into a tree.
I almost died, breaking my neck and back and facing months in traction and a giant scar on my face and a shaved head with a metal brace bolted to it but credit to the band, they never sought a replacement and with the help of strong pain medication and some unprescribed medication to hold back the pain from the injuries, we went on a world tour.
The demand for tickets was reaching hysteria level but with sold-out shows and venues were bigger than anything we had ever played and I began indulging in some destructive habits with our new pals Eric Clapton and John Belushi.  
After our pianist, Richard Manual, was feeling a bit down and took a desperate step inside the bathroom of a hotel, hanging himself with his belt it was the wake-up call i needed to ditch the drink and drugs and start living clean but my attempt to lead a healthier life only brought new struggles and i ballooned to 350 pounds and during one concert i had to stop the show to catch my breath.
On December 10, 1999, just one day after celebrating my 56th birthday, my wife found my lifeless in bed at our home as the years of hard living finally caught up with me, and i passed in a not very rock n roll way, going peacefully in my sleep.

Special Guest Blogger: Christian Archangel Azrael

Nope, I'm not the mischievous cat who gets up to all sorts of smurfy shenanigans, i'm the Angel of Death which is quite a crappy cartoon name for a cat I grant you.
I was an Archangel which are a high-ranking class of angels and depending on which religious text you read there was either three, four or seven of us but whatever, we are powerful spiritual beings who serve as messengers, protectors, and agents of God's will.  
However many of us there was, i was particularly close to Lucifer and we had a great time in heaven together but then Lucifer rebelled and was banished to Hell and that sort of thing strains a relationship and anyway, by then i was far too busy fulfilling my role as the Angel of Death.
There is some confusion between myself and the Grim Reaper but apart from him having terrible fashion sense, my job is to transport the souls of the deceased after their death, that's the bit the Grim Reaper does.
I have a scroll with all the details of you mortals and record your names at your birth and erase them on your death but i began out as an Islamic deity called Ezra’ël then the Christians thought we need one of those and pinched me for their new religion which is fine by me although they lazily just called me Azreal instead.
My main boast is that it was I who took the dust from Earth to hand over to God to make man with and i kinda assumed as a reward he would make them in my image but considering my real image is a body with numerous eyes and tongues, 4,000 wings, that would have been a lot of dust so he went with you lot looking like him instead.
For this success he made me the angel of death and taking the souls of the deceased away from the body as well as all the admin that goes with it but i don;lt get to decide when your allotted time is up, that's down to the big guy who, 40 days before the death of a person approaches, he drops a leaf from a tree below the heavenly throne, on which I read the name of the person who's soul i must take.
I can't give away trade secrets but if you have lived a righteous life then i take on a beautiful form and use my sword to extract the soul from the body with care and compassion but if you haven't then the separation is a bit more rough and painful and i arrive in my real form with all my eyes in the right place so if at the time of your demise you hear the sound of 4,000 wings flapping, it may be too late to regret that you skipped Church on all those Sunday morning's.

Special Guest Blogger: Simo Häyhä

I was somebody you really wouldn’t want to see out on the battlefield. Luckily for you, you never would, as your head would have a gaping great hole in it before you even knew I was there.
I am often credited with having fought during WWII but confusingly i fought during the Winter War which started 3 months after the start of WWII and was between Finland and the Soviet Union after Stalin invaded when we refused to hand over land to him.
Before 1939, I was nothing more than a farmer in Karelia, who enjoyed shooting as a hobby and I had quite a reputation as a marksman and won several shooting competitions in Finland so i was pretty good when we got our compulsory sniper training which came in very handy when the Soviet Union initiated the Winter War.
The Soviet weapons were using far more advanced then the rifles we had to work with, they had telescopic scopes and we only had iron sights.
I dressed all in white and would lay in snow pits for hours, packed in mounds of snow and even keeping snow in my mouth to prevent my breath from giving my position away and plopping a pair of gloves under the barrel of my weapon to steady it, i'd wait for a series of Soviet soldiers to choose an extremely unlucky walking path, where they’d be taken out like ducks at a carnival.
I was nicknamed 'The White Death' by the Finnish newspapers which as far as nicknames go isn't a bad one, and in the 100 days that the war lasted, i was averaging 5 kills a day and was credited with 259 kills until my injury a week before peace broke out.
I was spotted by a Soviet soldier who shot me in the jaw and my injuries were so bad that when i was found, it was assumed i was dead and  was thrown onto a pile with others who had lost their lives in battle. It was only by chance that someone noticed my foot moving and sent me to the hospital so not an ideal end to a career in war and i was horribly disfigured but it was far better than the alternative.
Weirdly the initial report of my death reached the newspapers and i was reading reports of my death in the newspaper so i sent a letter to correct the misinformation.
Once recovered, I went to live and work on a farm and became a bit of a recluse eventually died at the age of 96 in 2002 so literally you could say that he I gave life my best shot.

Special Guest Blogger: Chinese Goddess Lady Q

Few people outside of China know that China had toilet paper and flushing loos while the rest of you were still wiping yourselves with leaves. Of course, only the Emperor could afford such luxury. Ordinary peasants had to make do with holes in the ground. Little has changed in that respect in some regions, but the government are working on it.
I was the Goddess of toilets but i also dabbled in Outhouses, WC's, Lavatories, Restrooms, Closets and Washrooms and most Chinese toilets are haunted by a Toilet Goddess who were generally mortal ladies who have suffered some terrible toilet-related misfortune and been defined as a result and go on to make strange spooky noises which has even the most stout-hearted visitor crossing their legs and waiting till they got home.
My story of becoming a toilet ghost goes that I was the mistress of Emperor Gaozu who was the first Emperor of the Han Dynasty. It was one big unhappy family as the Emperor’s official wife Lü Zhi, was insanely jealous and did not like me one bit and when the Emperor died, she stripped away my official title and several of my external body parts but it gets worse.
She grabbed what was left of me and hauled me off and threw her into the dirtiest, smelliest, ugliest, foulest latrine in the whole of China and invited my son as well as the new Emperor and all his ministers of state to come and see me .
The sight of his dead mother traumatised him so much that he totally lost the will to live and spent the rest of his life eating cake and getting fat but I was made a Goddess and now spend eternity watching people in the toilet and reminding them to wash their hands.

Special Guest Blogger: Randy Rhoads

Rock stars dying young is not uncommon considering the toxic mix of drugs and booze but I wasn’t anything like that but still ended up dead because of them.
My parents were both music teachers so i had a head start and at age seven I was  pretty good at the electric guitar and in my teens i went to see Alice Cooper in concert and it changed my life and i formed  a band with some friends, called ourselves Quiet Riot and  started playing gigs around LA and it didn’t take long for us to make a splash on the LA rock scene and record company execs took notice.
We may have been called Quiet riot but it wasn't very quiet within the band, our Bass player Garni told me he was going to kill our singer Dubrow and got drunk and fired a gun at him and then tried to punch me so it was then we i knew he was out of control so we sacked him.
It was at that same time Ozzy Osboune sounded me out for his new band, Black Sabbath had just fired Osbourne for his bizarre behavior from his misuse of substances, and we made  a few albums but i wasn't about to exchange one drugged up lunatic for another and anyway things got awkward after i slept with his wife Sharon but i was obligated to finish the tour we were on.
On the way to Orlando, the air conditioner broke on the tour bus and where we stopped to fix it,it had a private airstrip and the guys thought they’d look around.
The bus driver, Andrew Aycock, was a pilot and thought it would be fun to take one of the planes for a little excursion but i hated flying and he was a regular user of whatever Ozzy left hanging around but he convinced me that he would take out makeup artist with us and because she had a bad heart, he wouldn't do anything stupid up there.
Once in the air Aycock started flying over the bus again in an effort to wake up the occupants, i panicked and  grabbed the steering column, the plane dropped and the wing of the plane made contact with the tour bus and  the impact sent my head through the glass of the windshield and the plane exploded.
So just say no kids, to drugs and morons flying planes.

Special Guest Blogger: Egyptian God Thoth

Not only was I the Ibis headed Egyptian God of Art, Science, Astronomy and Literature, but i am also a best selling author. You may not hear much of me these days but you will know my bestselling work, the Book Of The Dead.
You will never be able to hitch-hike to Heaven on the Nile on Manifestation Day without it as it tells you all the need to know and where to go, who to see, which incantations and passwords will be needed.
You will not get through the portals of the Gods without it either but as i wrote it over 2,000 years ago, you may need to take a short course in hieroglyphics. You don’t want to end up lost in the Land of the Reeds after all.
The book contains entries on over five hundred Egyptian Gods  but the rest of my resume may seem too impressive to be true but i was indeed the master of time, mathematics, astronomy, reading, writing, arithmetic and practically almost anything else you can point a pair of dividers at.
It was me who encouraged Ra to call himself Top God and i settled for Moon God as it left me free to run just about everything without any fuss or hassle and I was able to devise the calendar and days so 365 days in a year? Thanks Thoth. 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night? and circles having 360 degrees? You are very welcome.
Just don' t forget when travelling the Duat, go straight ahead at the Hall of Judgment and turn right at the Abyss and if you see a sign for the Land of Demons you have gone too far.

Special Guest Blogger: Kay Francis

As time goes on, there are fewer and fewer fans of old black and white movies and it is only the ones lucky enough to have acted in films that stand the test of time but i was one of those who wanted to be forgotten but unfortunately i lived an unforgettable life full of decadence, mayhem, and tragedy.
My life began on a sour note, my father had a drinking problem so at aged four my parents divorced and we moved away but money was tight but i did find that lying your face off does has its advantages and when i joined my new classmates at the Katharine Gibbs School, I told them my mother was Katharine Gibbs, the founder of the very school which worked out very well with my brown nosed teachers.
I got married at 17 but only three years after saying I do, I didn't anymore and moved to Paris where i really let loose and found myself back at the wedding altar with another groom but both of us turned up completely hammered so that didn't last long and i was soon back in New York and set out on a career on the stage.
I lied about my acting experience and found my way into a small part in Hamlet on Broadway  but i wasn't making much money and at that time it was the silent film era where we used caption cards to prompt the girls into various actions that would steadily become more and more suggestive in sepia tones with a jaunty piano accompaniment but then the talkies came along and everyone was moving to Hollywood so i followed and charmed Paramount Picture’s rising star Walter Huston into getting me a screen-test for Paramount Picture's latest film, Gentlemen of the Press, which launched me into the big time.
The problem with talkies is you have to talk and i suffered from a speech impediment and would pronounce my  r's as w's but this didn't stop me from climbing Hollywood's golden ladder and developing a very heavy drinking habit.
By the end of 1931 I was a certified star at the Paramount Pictures lot but an offer from Warner Brothers to double my money saw me jumping ship and become the Queen of Warner Brothers studios which marked the peak of my career.
Being a famous actress there was no shortage of men and women available and my boundless energy wasn't just for work but it all changed one afternoon when my wrist got slashed, the studio said it was from a broken window to cover my growing depression and suicide attempt.
My drinking inspired depression got worse and i was becoming a liability for the studio and the work dried up and my star faded and Warner Brothers wiped their hands clean of me and in my forlorn state i wrote that 'When I die, I want to be cremated so that no sign of my existence is left on this earth. I can't wait to be forgotten'.
I went back to working on the stage but the downward spiral was continuing and in 1948 I took far too many pills, lost consciousness in a hotel room and collapsed onto a hot radiator and burnt my legs.
After a career and a personal life full of passion and heartbreak I finally got my wish and died of breast cancer and left a note saying I didn't want a funeral or a gravestone and they could do with my ashes what the hell they wanted so once you have read this, forget it.

Special Guest Blogger: Egyptian God Set

You can call me Setekh, Setesh, Seth, Seti, Sutekh or just the God of Chaos but i was also in charge of  War, storms and deserts so i was a pretty busy boy creating mayhem back in the day.
I was a bit of a mix and match, with my donkey ears, scorpion tail and the head of an Aardvark but i sometimes appeared as a hippo with the jaws and tail of a crocodile just to mix things up a bit.
I did like to toy with my googy goody brother Osiris, messing up his peaceful farms but i did lose it one day after he kicked me so i killed him, chopped his body up into 42 pieces and scattered the remains far and wide because his wife Isis would not be best pleased i killed her husband and when she did find out she put his bits and pieces back together because that's a thing she could do.
She never found his penis though, that had got eaten by fish in the river,  and had to make him a new one and with his new dong they created a son called Horus and he came looking for me seeking vengeance and the ensuing battle lasted eighty years.
Not one to fight fair, I tore out one of Horus’s eyes and aimed for the testicles and hilariously at one point Isis attempts to harpoon me but hit Horus instead, who then cuts off his head in a fit of rage. Weirdly when he got put back together he went with a cows head.
The other Gods were cheering for Horus and the big God Ra demanded we make peace and if you are having lettuce in your sandwich you may want to put it down before we get to the next part.
Not one to defy the all powerful, i agreed but my plan was to invite Horus to stay for the weekend, but on the first night I crept out of bed and attempted to sexually assault him but he awoke just in time and managed to catch my discharge in his hand, whereupon he fled home to his mother who obviously chopped off his hand and made him a new one and then got Horus to masturbate into a jar and sprinkled the contents over my Lettuce Patch.
She knew i started each day with a breakfast of frsh lettuce leaves and i swallowed all the 'dew fresh' ones...we don't need to go into the details of the resulting pregnancy but one word of advice is wash lettuces very carefully before eating.

Special Guest Blogger: Inga Arvad

Journalism is not an easy career choice and sometimes you have to talk to people who are not completely nice and trustworthy which is why it was two very powerful men who pretty much put an end to mine.    
Born in Copenhagen, Denmark, i was sent to England for my education but it was when i won a Miss Denmark beauty contest that i became known but my passion was for journalism and i joined Denmark's most prestigious newspaper, Berligske Tidene, and quite soon after starting i was to hold an interview which would impact the rest of my life.
In 1935, to prove my potential, I asked for, and was granted an interview with a little known Austrian who had just been appointed Führer in Germany who was yet to come into the global consciousnesses and actually back then many found him a fascinating character and he was very amiable and charming and as i had little understanding of International Politics, our interview was not that hard hitting.
I was only one of a few selected Scandinavian journalists chosen to meet with him and i was invited to join him at the 1936 Berlin Olympics which i did but by then International tensions were rising on the approach to WWII, and other nations were starting to pay closer attention to the Führer and his pals.
I realised just how much of a situation i was in when the Getsapo tried to recruit me as a spy so i moved to America to escape being spied on and got a job at the Washington Times-Herald as a columnist and that was when i got noticed by the second life changing powerful man.
A Picture of me standing beside Hitler at the Olympics surfaced and  J Edgar Hoover was certain I was a spy for Germany and the FBI began taking an interest in my day to day activities and bugged my apartment and intercepted my mail.
What the bugging my apartment discovered was that  John F Kennedy was a regular visitor to it.
We had met when my roommate introduced us but we had tried to keep our relationship a secret, he was then an Ensign in the Navy but he had ambitions to be a politician as he came from a political family and being with a suspected German spy was not a good career move for him.
Although they had no evidence i was a spy, to protect John they moved him to Charleston but the phone calls and visits continued so the FBI told his father who forbid him from seeing me.
I thought becoming an American citizen would help me allay any fears about me so I became an American naturalized citizen but the FBI continued to distrust and keep tabs on me, even when i met and was engaged to a British politician, Robert Boothby, but pressure was put on him about my links to Hitler and JFK and the engagement was called off.
It was now the middle of WWII and I gave an interview to set the record straight and I explained that I had no positive view of the Führer who i had only met twice and categorically denounce his policies but the media refused to let it go.
I then met and married all American hero actor Tim McCoy and finally it was accepted that i was no spy but by then I had retreated from the public eye and stayed out of it until i died of colon cancer in 1960.

Special Guest Blogger: Robert Peel

I was a British Conservative statesman who twice was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, was Chancellor of the Exchequer and also Home Secretary twice but i am most remembered as the father of modern British policing, owing to my founding of the Metropolitan Police.
I entered politics at the age of 21 and was considered one of the rising stars of the Tory party and when i was made Home Secretary i decided to have a look at the judicial system.
We still had death sentence for any of the 200 capital crimes back then such as stealing, impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner, scribbling on Westminster Bridge, chopping down a young tree etc and these crimes were going unpunished because juries were refusing to convict because a guilty verdict sometimes meant a shoplifter being taken from the court to a place of execution and thence hanged by the neck until he is dead.
I reduced the number of capital offences to four: murder, treason, arson in a royal dockyard and piracy with violence but maintained leaving the bodies of executed prisoners on the gallows as a warning to others until residents complained that having the rotting corpse of a murderer swinging just outside your bedroom window could have a detrimental effect on house prices and stopped that also.
Then i had my greatest idea, taking the work that was being done by local volunteers and dodgy law and-order enthusiasts to look out for criminals and making them into a professional force and created the Metropolitan Police in 1829.
One thousand constables were introduced on to the London streets to direct tourists to Tower Bridge, tell people the time as well as catching the wrong'uns and i crucially refused to arm them but instead gave them a whistle.
They became known as Peelers and Bobbies and they spread to police forces forming all across the country which became a model for modern policing around the world but I also reintroduced the idea of an Income tax, played a key role in social reforms including reducing working hours for women and children in factories, repealed the Corn Laws and promoted free trade but I may have been a progressive in most things, but the idea of letting Catholics have the vote was clearly going too far and I stepped down from the government and resigned my seat.
I was continually courted by the Conservatives to return to front line politics but i held firm to my beliefs although  may have done better to hold onto the horses reigns because I died when i was thrown from it while out riding. The horse then stumbled on top of me, and I died three days.

Special Guest Blogger: Greek God Demeter

Known as Ceres to the Romans, I taught nomadic mankind how to plow the fields and settle down, thus making civilisation possible so i was very popular with the rural folk.
As the daughter of Cronus and Rhea, and as a goddess, a bit of a looker, I was the object of many Gods affections but i fell for a mortal prince called Iasion with whom we had two children, Plutus, who went on to do well from a financial point of view, and Philomelus who invented the plough.
Zeus wasn't happy with me loving a mortal as he wanted me for himself and his solution to break us up was to fling a furious thunderbolt where Iasion happened to be standing leaving a pair of smoking boots but then the horny Poseidon leapt in.
To escape, I changed into a mare and hid in a herd horses but Poseidon changed into a stallion and the result was Arion, a little horse who could speak and had feet. Jealous Zeus could stand it no longer and managed to pin me down for a liaison and another daughter was duly born, the beautiful Persephone.
Now it was the turn of Hades to be jealous and one day while Persephone was playing, the Earth swallowed her up.
When I found my daughter missing I ran round but could not find her and it was Helios, the Sun God and right old nosy parker who notices everything, had a quick word in my ear saying Persephone was now the consort of Hades in the Underworld.
In my distraught state crops failed, wheat withered and livestock limped to a breeding halt which had the Gods gnawing their fingers and beseeched me to return but I refused to help until I could see my daughter.
The starving God's sent Hermes to the Underworld for negotiations with Hades and a was agreed, but as Persephone had eaten the mystic Underworld pomegranates, she was tied to the realm of death. But a deal was struck and she was allowed out for half the year.
I was so pleased to see her that flowers bloomed and summer was born but when Persephone is summoned back to Hades six months later, my mourning  returns and leaves fall off the trees and along comes the winter.

Special Guest Blogger: Oswald Mosley

In a recent poll I was included in the top 10 of the Worst British Villains which is ridiculous. In the 1930' s Britain was facing huge problems with unemployment and as part of the incoming Labour Government i made some radical proposals for tackling it which included a major programme of public works not dissimilar to the New Deal that followed in Roosevelt’s United States. Do I get any credit for this? No, I do not.
The Government were too timid to push for anything so radical as my major programme of works so the they built a public lido in Hyde Park, made a few concessions to the miners and authorised an extension of pensions and unemployment benefit so that's when i decided i had enough, threw a hissy fit and resigned and that's where the story changes.
Now going off in a sulk and forming just one fascist movement, allying yourself with Hitler and Mussolini, organising anti-Semitic marches through the Jewish East End and employing thugs to beat up your opponents amazingly suddenly made me the bad guy.
The problem with trying to introduce fascism to Britain was that the British are just piss takers, when i did the NAZI Salute in Parliament one MP shouted out 'Yes, you may go to the lavatory' but i was going to show them and my party with the new catchy slogan of ‘A Party of Vitality and Manhood’, held a huge rally and we did have support, the Daily Mail even ran the headline ‘Hurrah for the Blackshirts!’ although they were a little less enthusiastic after we were filmed beating up anyone who disagreed, and many did. After one meeting around seven thousand of my supporters were prevented from marching through a Jewish section of the East End by hundred thousand antifascist demonstrators and we abandoned the March.
To be fair the 1935 General Election was probably a bit too soon after launching the Party and i urged my supporters to abstain under the slogan ‘Fascism Next Time’.
As it turned out, next time would be in 1945, after the Fascists had caused the deaths of over a hundred million people, laid waste most of Europe and I had been locked up as a Nazi sympathizer, so next time would have been a bit of a long shot as well to be honest.

Special Guest Blogger: Arthur Machen

The First World War was a time when having seen thousands of British soldiers wiped out by machine guns, a million young men thought, that’s the life for me, and volunteered to replace them and the miltary eggheads sent over to France to see what happened this time when they were told to run towards German machine guns.
I was writing supernatural and fantasy fiction publish for literary magazines and had my first major success with 'The Great God Pan' and at the start of the war, as the first battle took place a short distance from Agincourt 500 years earlier, I had an idea for a short story based on the blending of that battle with the one happening today and it was published in the London Evening News and was called 'The Bowmen'.
My story was that under the fields of this corner of Europe lay British soldiers from the campaigns of Edward III and at this key moment in English history, the ghosts of Agincourt rose up from the ground and intervened on the English side but i had written it as a news report which was my style of writing which may have led to the later confusion.
What happened was Bowman work of fiction turned into real life as there were reports that medieval English bowmen had been seen by the soldiers and a St George Cross had appeared in the sky to inspire the English as the so-called ‘Angels of Mons’ conclusively proved that God was on the side of the English against the Germans.
These stories of apparitions and heavenly bodies were widely believed and many soldiers became convinced that they too had seen the angels, and the patriotic value of this divine intervention was so good for morale that it was encouraged by the clergy and the politicians although i did receive requests to provide evidence for the story from readers who thought it was true, to which I responded that it was completely imaginary and a story i had created.
Parish magazine's began asking me for permission to reprint the story and i said they could but to make it perfectly clear it was a made up story and not true but they missed that bit out obviously as it was a boon for the religious business and all this killing of Germans in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, who, unless I’m grossly mistaken, was actually rather keen on tolerance and not murdering each other, but the snowball of rumour that was then set rolling has been rolling ever since, grew bigger and bigger.
By now the story had been embellished to soldiers finding the corpses of German soldiers that had been found on the battlefield with arrow wounds and then the British Spiritualist magazine ran with it as 'proof' with visions of a supernatural force that miraculously intervened to help the British at the decisive moment of the battle.
I tried to put and end to it by republishing the story in book form, with a long preface stating the rumours were false and originated in my story but even with the Society for Psychical Research announcing the stories of Angelic Soldiers was false, the rumours continued  with now even British officers saying they had seen things with one very high ranking Officer, General Charteris , saying he watched as an Angel of the Lord, clad in white raiment bearing a flaming sword, appearing before the German forces at the Mons battle forbidding their advance.
The tales only began to subside once the war was over but forever after i became associated with it and if i had known that i would have written it better because it was something i dashed off quickly because i was only going to get a pittance for it from the Newspaper.