Tuesday, 3 May 2016

A Return For Flag Burning

It doesn't seem that long ago that or any budding entrepreneur armed a decent supply of red, white & blue material and a sewing machine had an amazing business opportunity providing UK and US flags for people in the Middle East and Indian sub continent to set fire to.
Now, i can't remember the last time i saw a group of men dancing around a flaming Union Flag or even more amusingly, keeping hold of it until it gets too hot and then dropping it on their shoes.
The mid to late 2000's when the Bush/Blair administrations were in full throttle was the high water mark for flag burning but chanting about God while getting hot feet is so passé now or they have just run out of flags to burn.
It was always something that seemed to annoy Americans more than Brits, we never really seemed bothered by the sight of flames licking around our flag but then Britain has never been much of a flag loving country anyway, far too American all that hand on the heart 'Oh say can you see' type of thing. 
With Donald Trump still in the race for US President and considering that America will be at war within 15 minutes of him donning the Commander-in-Chief badge, i wouldn't be throwing away that old sewing machine yet Mr Jihadi.
We may yet see the re-emergence of Muslims jigging around a piece of flaming material and blistering their feet so at least put on some decent shoes first, sandals are not the best footwear for stamping on a burning flag and even in the middle of jihad Health and Safety should be a concern.
Anyway, if an entrepreneurial jihadist is reading this, i can lay my hands on miles of Union Jack bunting left over from the Queens Birthday celebrations and i'm sure we can come to some arrangement the next time the masses congregate to denounce us.

Monday, 2 May 2016

Leicester Only Go And Win The League!!

A year ago this week, Leicester had just escaped relegation to the Championship and sacked the manager and appointed an Italian, Claudio Ranieri, who had just been sacked by Greece after a four-game winless stint which included a defeat to the part-timers of the Faroe Islands and Leicester were tipped by many as one of the three favourites for relegation this season and Ranieri the favourite to be the first manager sacked.
With odds of 5000-1, the chances of Leicester winning the Premier League were longer than Piers Morgan being named as Arsenal manager (250-1) or Simon Cowell to be next Prime Minister (500-1) and as likely as Elvis being found alive or the Loch Ness monster found to exist which would return £5000 if you were mad enough to bet a quid on either of them.
As far as i am aware Elvis is still dead and Simon Cowell continues churning out pap pop stars and isn't moving his sofa into number 10 but Leicester have only gone and won the Premier League!
It's ludicrous, amazing, brilliant, astonishing and completely bonkers but we should say a few words about Tottenham Hotspur who pushed Leicester all the way but fell short at the end.
It would be cruel to laugh at them, call them bottlers or even hope that there are so crestfallen that they blow the last two games and Arsenal finish second so congratulations Leicester and haha Spurs, bottlers, hope you lose the next two as well.

Learning English

It has been said that English is one of the hardest languages to learn as a second language and considering that it is a mongrel mix made up of a sprinkling of French, Latin, German, Scandinavian and a fair few other languages it isn't surprising.
One test on German spies in ww2 who had otherwise perfect English was to get them to pronounce places such as Worcester or the surname Mainwaring which is where the Captain in Dad's Army gets his name. Fail and it's off to the clink and apparently many did but as we have no German spies today to catch, we settle for confusing tourists and laughing at the way Americans say 'Aluminium' and 'Route' instead.
There are some words that represent more of a challenge to non-native English speakers than others and they have handily created a top ten of 'How the hell do you say that??' words. 
The top ten words are:

1. Queue
2. Appreciate
3. Chaos
4. Comfortable
5. Lieutenant
6. Paradigm
7. Quay
8. Squirrel
9. Worcester
10. Penguin

Grasp these east Europeans and before you know it you will be telling that joke about the penguin and the squirrel queuing in Worcester.

Sunday, 1 May 2016

Disgraceful Israel

One of the claims made by Israeli supporters when they steal Palestinian land is that it is to provide a buffer between the Hamas rockets and Israeli cities.
That argument falls apart when you consider no rockets have been fired from the West Bank but still the land grab goes on and as the United Nations have reported, has actually increased.  
The UN's Office for the Co-ordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) show that there have been an average of 165 demolitions a month since January.
In February alone, 235 buildings were taken down, and the UN agency has claimed people are being driven from the land as a result.
The Israeli military, which has occupied the West Bank for half a century, claims it carries out the demolitions because the structures are illegal and do not have the necessary planning permits, permits that the UN say are 'virtually impossible' for Palestinians to get the approval they need, only 1.5% of applications from 2010 to 2014 being granted.
All this on Palestinians own land remember...and the World pathetically stays quiet as the disgraceful genocide continues and the Palestinians suffering goes on.

Not Such A Great Idea

Oh look a gun. I know what i will do, i'll take a selfie while pointing it at my own head and putting my finger on the trigger while not knowing if the gun is loaded or not. After all, what could possibly go wrong... 
A teenager in India has accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to take a selfie photograph.
Police said Ramandeep Singh is being treated in hospital at Pathankot in Punjab state and is expected to survive.
I swear the world is getting stupider.

Saturday, 30 April 2016

Gadzooks..Not Him Again!!

Every British schoolchild is made to read Shakespeare, it is on the curriculum so therefore schools 'legally' have to pin down children and shout 'Forsooth' and 'To be or not to be' in their ears.
I am not particularly sure why Shakespeare has persevered all these years and why 400 years after he Soothed his last For we are still wittering on about him but i believe it is a Emperors new clothes thing where nobody is prepared to stand up and say 'hang on, his stories are more Suckspere then Shakespeare'.
There must be better and more relevant books written for our children to read from the past four centuries, books that are written in a language we understand and doesnt contain sentences such as 'You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!' and 'thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!'
As i am knocking down well loved historical characters, how did Van Gogh ever become as famous as he did? Have you ever seen a Van Gogh painting?  What about Picasso, another artist who you wonder who the hell paid money for a painting of a woman with one eye next to her nose and the other in her forehead. If a seven year old gave me it i would use it to mop up the spilled tea on my coffee table.   
Oliver Cromwell was so loved he had a song written about him and a statue in Westminster while in France they have statues of Joan of Arc dotted around but all she ever did was pick up a sword, get caught and set on fire by the English which lowers the bar considerably for receiving a sainthood. 
Anyway, as the TV is full of Shakespeare plays to commiserate his death, i just say 'Forsooth, what through yonder window breaks..ti's my works of Shakespeare book'.

Come Back Nick!

Between 2010 and 2014 it was widely believed that the Liberal Democrats in the Coalition Government were just there to make the nasty party look nicer, a claim they denied and stated that what they were actually doing was stopping the Conservatives from imposing some of the most draconian policies that even Margaret Thatcher turned down as 'a step too far'.
We mocked them at the time but it seems they were right because since the Conservatives have been the majority party, they have been shredding everyone and everything in a ideological blitz.
The junior doctors have been so incensed at the Government that they have staged the largest strike since the NHS was founded joining a list public servants including Tax collectors, train drivers, head teachers and driving examiners who have decided to withdraw their labour in protest and now the teachers appear to be set to strike over the Governments plans to make all schools academies.
'For a long time we've been bribed, we've been threatened, we've been blackmailed and we've been punished. We have no further means other than to say an absolute no - you can't do this to us' said one delegate at the Teachers Conference so it seems the Conservatives have another battle on their hands as they tick off large swathes of the country.
Who would have thought that we would be longing for the good old days of Nick Clegg and his Lib Dems in Government.

Would I Lie To You?

If it came down to a game of 'Would I Lie To You' between Russia and the United States it would be a tough call because both are about as honest as the day is long, a day on Jupiter that is. 
Both are pointing the finger at each other in the latest round of 'you-did, no-you-did' as Russian jets buzz American planes in the region.
The Americans are saying the Russians acted in an 'unsafe and unprofessional manner' after a Russian SU-27 fighter jet intercepted a US aircraft approaching its border.
The Russians replied that the American planes were turning off their identification transponders and flying towards Russian airspace.
'The US Air Force has two solutions, it can either not fly near our borders or turn the transponder on for identification' shrugged a burly looking Russian.
The Pentagon said its Air Force RC-135 plane had been flying a routine route in international airspace when it was intercepted.
Who to believe? On the one hand the Russians have been doing to Britain exactly what they have accused the Americans of doing and flying towards British airspace without identification before turning away sharply while America, well, you would be crazy to take anything that comes from their military at face value so its like a bun fight between a used car salesman and an estate agent, you can't believe either.

Friday, 29 April 2016

Think Again

John Wayne speaking in May 1971:

'I believe in white supremacy, until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility. I don't believe giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people . I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from the Native Americans. Our so-called stealing of this country from them was just a matter of survival. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves'.

That would be why the idea of 'John Wayne Day' has been dropped by California then.

Red Ken And The Israelites

Ken Livingstone's comments about Hitler being a zionist before 'he went mad and killed 6 million of them' was not only bizarre but highly offensive and it is quite right that he has been suspended from the Labour Party.
What it has also bought forth is the view that the left is a bunch of rabid anti-Semites and has quickly turned into the expression that when the left criticise Israel, they are displaying their real hatred towards Jews.
Nonsense argument of course and a well worn way to shut down any criticism of Israel when it bully's, subjugates and murders its Palestinians neighbour and that is the danger.
I was once told that to attack Israel is to attack Jews because Israel is the only country where Judaism is the main religion, my response was if that is the case then any attack on England is an attack on the Church of England because we are the only CoE country.
The next time Israel attacks Palestine, and they will, the left should not be shut down by cries of anti-semitism, to criticise Israel for its actions as we criticise Russia or America or Britain if they did the same is not the same as criticising Jews.
Ken Livingstone was wrong to say what he did but it is equally wrong to meekly remain silent while Israel continues to starve and kill Palestinians while continuing to violently colonise their land in one of the greatest genocides since the 2nd World War when real anti-semitism was on display.