A Jellyfish is a spineless creature that causes pain and misery and people go out of their way to avoid while David Cameron is a spineless creature that causes pain and misery and people go out of their way to avoid.
It is reported that David Cameron has been stung by a jellyfish while holidaying in Lanzarote after wading into the sea and emerging shouting in pain seconds later.
'I tried to warn him that the poisonous creature was close by but he ignored me' said another Jellyfish.
Cameron's condition is being described as bloody hilarious.
Saturday, 19 April 2014
Game Of Thrones
For such a televisual phenomenon, it was hard work to find anyone who had watched Games of Thrones and when i did the reaction was underwhelming. Not perturbed by the lack of appreciation for something that seems to have gripped the World, i watched the first series this weekend and thought that was 10 hours i won't be getting back.It is beautifully shot with gorgeous scenery and wonderful costumes but as the credits rolled on the final scene i was left wondering just what everyone had seen it it that i was missing.
Set in a medieval fantasy land, it is full of overacting actors who are either kings, queens or knights saying things like 'my liege' and 'honour for my family' and hugging each other.
It can only be the multiple scenes of bums and boobs and soft porn sex that people find so exciting and then it struck me.
If you liked Lords of the Rings or you are a horny 14 year old boy then you will probably enjoy it but i thought it was so overrated and just plodded along with the occasional shot of a woman's boob to keep the young men interested but it has all the hallmarks of classic nerd television to watch as a break from playing World of Warcraft.
Maybe it gets better in following series but i won't bother to find out, Game of Thrones isn't for me thank you.
US Screwing Over EU?
Russia and the EU each have a concern in the Ukraine as the country is on the very doorstep of both their boundaries but America is thousands of miles away so why it is holding talks and making threats is not easily obvious apart from the well worn fact that where there is a war, America is usually involved somewhere.
John Kerry is over here making threats of sanctions against the Russians if they don't keep to their side of the deal brokered over the last few days which isn't going down very well with the EU who is having a hard enough time with the faltering economy as it is without tinkering with their relationship of Russia largest export partner worth £292 billion annually to the EU.
Easy to see why the Europeans are wary of American led sanctions threatening their largest source of income, especially while America has less to lose as Russia are 15th in the list of countries the USA export to and here is where the murmurings from EU representatives are whispered, the USA is screwing the EU over.
The US is keen to see more sanctions on Moscow because the US has very little interest directly in Russia and are eager for the EU to pull back on its interests in Russia which would allow America to have a better chance to get in subsequently when relations improve and step in with replacement of what the Russian's provide to the EU and what the EU provide to Russia.
So while it seems that American involvement is just because America is always up for a bit of conflict, war and mayhem, it may also be to guide the EU away from Russia so it can replace it for its own economic benefit.
As the EU is not playing ball with America and talking down any idea of sanctions on Russia maybe the murmurings of the Americans using the conflict as an excuse to urge the EU to step back so it can step in have reached the ears of the decision makers who are now wise to it.
John Kerry is over here making threats of sanctions against the Russians if they don't keep to their side of the deal brokered over the last few days which isn't going down very well with the EU who is having a hard enough time with the faltering economy as it is without tinkering with their relationship of Russia largest export partner worth £292 billion annually to the EU.
Easy to see why the Europeans are wary of American led sanctions threatening their largest source of income, especially while America has less to lose as Russia are 15th in the list of countries the USA export to and here is where the murmurings from EU representatives are whispered, the USA is screwing the EU over.
The US is keen to see more sanctions on Moscow because the US has very little interest directly in Russia and are eager for the EU to pull back on its interests in Russia which would allow America to have a better chance to get in subsequently when relations improve and step in with replacement of what the Russian's provide to the EU and what the EU provide to Russia.
So while it seems that American involvement is just because America is always up for a bit of conflict, war and mayhem, it may also be to guide the EU away from Russia so it can replace it for its own economic benefit.
As the EU is not playing ball with America and talking down any idea of sanctions on Russia maybe the murmurings of the Americans using the conflict as an excuse to urge the EU to step back so it can step in have reached the ears of the decision makers who are now wise to it.
Vinyl v CD
There is a shop in town that sells vinyl records and only vinyl records and as it has been there for as long as i can remember, it must be doing some business but i don't think i have ever seen a customer go in or come out of it.
There are some people who will wax lyrical about vinyl records but i think of them as romantic fools because i have been there in my teenage years and vinyl records are not a patch on CDs. Allow me to explain.
Firstly, vinyl records scratch easily and once scratched you are forever consigned to your song jumping at the same part forever or more annoying, it will keep repeating the same line over and over and over until you nudge the needle.
Secondly, because the needle staying in the groove of the vinyl depends on gravity and gravity being a bit rubbish, you have to tiptoe around your room while playing the record or else the record player arm will jump and you will go from track 1 to track 4 in an instant, risking a dirty great scratch.
Thirdly, i have heard the argument that vinyl records are of a better playback quality which i have never understood as i remember constant crackling and hissing in the quiet bits of songs.
Fourthly, cardboard sleeves would rip and tear and the sharp edge of the record as you dropped it into the sleeve would tear and the record would poke out the other end of the sleeve.
Fifthly, vinyl records warp and you are treated to a display of Mariah Carey style up and down the range singing even on non-Mariah Carey songs.
Sixthly, CD's take up less room and you don't need to set aside half a room for your collection of Ska albums from the 70s.
Seventhly, downloads and CD's are portable so you can hear your music anywhere you go, try that with a record player and see how far you get.
Eightly, CD's turn into MP3's easily and MP3 players are cheap while your choice of record player is your parents one in the attic from 1980 or a new one which would set you back over the cost of 50 MP3 downloads.
So CD's don't scratch as easily, you can move while they are playing, the playback is better quality, plastic sleeves don't rip, they don't warp, easily stored, portable and cheaper equipment are just 8 reasons why CD's are not only far superior to vinyl but a good reason why it's replacement was such a success and vinyl was ditched in the first place.
There are some people who will wax lyrical about vinyl records but i think of them as romantic fools because i have been there in my teenage years and vinyl records are not a patch on CDs. Allow me to explain.
Firstly, vinyl records scratch easily and once scratched you are forever consigned to your song jumping at the same part forever or more annoying, it will keep repeating the same line over and over and over until you nudge the needle.
Secondly, because the needle staying in the groove of the vinyl depends on gravity and gravity being a bit rubbish, you have to tiptoe around your room while playing the record or else the record player arm will jump and you will go from track 1 to track 4 in an instant, risking a dirty great scratch.
Thirdly, i have heard the argument that vinyl records are of a better playback quality which i have never understood as i remember constant crackling and hissing in the quiet bits of songs.
Fourthly, cardboard sleeves would rip and tear and the sharp edge of the record as you dropped it into the sleeve would tear and the record would poke out the other end of the sleeve.
Fifthly, vinyl records warp and you are treated to a display of Mariah Carey style up and down the range singing even on non-Mariah Carey songs.
Sixthly, CD's take up less room and you don't need to set aside half a room for your collection of Ska albums from the 70s.
Seventhly, downloads and CD's are portable so you can hear your music anywhere you go, try that with a record player and see how far you get.
Eightly, CD's turn into MP3's easily and MP3 players are cheap while your choice of record player is your parents one in the attic from 1980 or a new one which would set you back over the cost of 50 MP3 downloads.
So CD's don't scratch as easily, you can move while they are playing, the playback is better quality, plastic sleeves don't rip, they don't warp, easily stored, portable and cheaper equipment are just 8 reasons why CD's are not only far superior to vinyl but a good reason why it's replacement was such a success and vinyl was ditched in the first place.
Thursday, 17 April 2014
What The Future Holds
It seems unbelievable that the first Back to the Future film was made in 1985 and showed a future of 2015 where people zipped around on hoverboards and there were parking zones for flying cars so unless science has been holding back on unleashing these inventions, they got this very wrong.
That's the problem with the future, we can only guess what its going to be like until we get there and i'm guessing it's not going to be DeLorean cars and flux capacitors.
The Pew Research Centre has been conducting a survey concerning what we want from our future science and our concerns about what the men in white coats and pens in the top pocket may bring.
65% said they'd be concerned about future robots, quite right to i say, while 53% said it would be a change for the worse if most people wore devices that constantly showed them information about the world around them.
What we do want is driverless cars (48%) brain implants to improve mental capacity (26%), lab-grown meat (20%) while 19% wanted flying cars or bikes, 9% wanted the ability to travel through time and 9% mentioned health improvements that extend human longevity or cure major diseases.
2% wanted Hoverboards, 2% immortality, 1% inventions to make household tasks easier, 1% new energy sources and 1% wanted science to bring world peace.
11% of respondents said that they are not interested in futuristic inventions, or that there's nothing futuristic they would like to have but then i did warn them not to ask at the Luddite Fellowship.
Quite rightly the advance of artificial intelligence is the publics greatest concern but i'm not quite sure how having Google on your t-shirt stacks up against being enslaved by super-intelligent robots hell bent on taking over the World but that's probably why i wasn't asked.
That's the problem with the future, we can only guess what its going to be like until we get there and i'm guessing it's not going to be DeLorean cars and flux capacitors.
The Pew Research Centre has been conducting a survey concerning what we want from our future science and our concerns about what the men in white coats and pens in the top pocket may bring.
65% said they'd be concerned about future robots, quite right to i say, while 53% said it would be a change for the worse if most people wore devices that constantly showed them information about the world around them.
What we do want is driverless cars (48%) brain implants to improve mental capacity (26%), lab-grown meat (20%) while 19% wanted flying cars or bikes, 9% wanted the ability to travel through time and 9% mentioned health improvements that extend human longevity or cure major diseases.
2% wanted Hoverboards, 2% immortality, 1% inventions to make household tasks easier, 1% new energy sources and 1% wanted science to bring world peace.
11% of respondents said that they are not interested in futuristic inventions, or that there's nothing futuristic they would like to have but then i did warn them not to ask at the Luddite Fellowship.
Quite rightly the advance of artificial intelligence is the publics greatest concern but i'm not quite sure how having Google on your t-shirt stacks up against being enslaved by super-intelligent robots hell bent on taking over the World but that's probably why i wasn't asked.
Men And Books
On the 10th September 2001 the book 'My Pet Goat' was an unknown tale about a goat that eats everything but on 11th September it became one of the most famous books in the World as George W Bush heard about the attacks while having it read to him by a child.
After being told, Bush continued to sit there listening for a further seven minutes before deciding he had better do something, the time between being told and doing something explained by his supporters as 'The President projecting strength and calm until he could better understand what was happening' but we all know he wanted to know how that bad boy ended.
Bush is not alone in not being big on reading books himself, a Reading Agency says that 30% of men have not read a book since school with 'not really wanting to' the main justification.
Now if you are a man, or know one, i'm about to make a list of books that i recommend for them which may suit their more limited abilities.
1. Colouring books. Lots of pictures and you get to play with crayons and no difficult words to read.
2. Pop up books. As these are aimed at children no tricky words of over two syllables to struggle over.
3. Audio Books. Have an actor read out all those difficult sentences for you.
4. My Pet Goat. Find out what enthralled GWB so much that he couldn't tear himself away.
If all else fails, follow the George W Bush method and get a child to read a book to you. What i don't recommend is for men to run before they can walk so if you own a pair of testicles and you are tempted to read a book, start off at your intelligence level, approx aged 5, and then slowly build up from the likes of 'The Hungry Caterpillar' to something a bit more complex like 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' before you even consider tackling more grown up literature like Harry Potter.
You never know, one day you may become confident enough to REACH THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS ON THINGS!!
After being told, Bush continued to sit there listening for a further seven minutes before deciding he had better do something, the time between being told and doing something explained by his supporters as 'The President projecting strength and calm until he could better understand what was happening' but we all know he wanted to know how that bad boy ended.
Bush is not alone in not being big on reading books himself, a Reading Agency says that 30% of men have not read a book since school with 'not really wanting to' the main justification.
Now if you are a man, or know one, i'm about to make a list of books that i recommend for them which may suit their more limited abilities.
1. Colouring books. Lots of pictures and you get to play with crayons and no difficult words to read.
2. Pop up books. As these are aimed at children no tricky words of over two syllables to struggle over.
3. Audio Books. Have an actor read out all those difficult sentences for you.
4. My Pet Goat. Find out what enthralled GWB so much that he couldn't tear himself away.
If all else fails, follow the George W Bush method and get a child to read a book to you. What i don't recommend is for men to run before they can walk so if you own a pair of testicles and you are tempted to read a book, start off at your intelligence level, approx aged 5, and then slowly build up from the likes of 'The Hungry Caterpillar' to something a bit more complex like 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' before you even consider tackling more grown up literature like Harry Potter.
You never know, one day you may become confident enough to REACH THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS ON THINGS!!
Celebrating Easter
How true that is i don't know and don't particularly care but i won't let a lack of religion get in the way of eating my own body weight in chocolate over the weekend.
The story of Easter is less well known than Christmas, something to do with the Easter Bunny coming back to life is my understanding of it all, but while we always hear about the war against Christmas, why is there no war against Easter?
We also have a wide range of Christmas songs foisted upon us every year but off the top of my head i can't think of any songs with a Crucifixion or Easter egg theme. If Easter is more 'important' than Christmas then you would have thought Slade or The Pogues would have put out a 'Merry Easter Everybody' single about hanging up a crucifix on your wall, It's the time that every Judas has a ball.
At Christmas even the religious songs get an airing but there seems to be a large gap in the market for songs celebrating Easter which is a question i posed to the Reverend who lives opposite who mulled it over for a few seconds and replied that deaths are not usually celebrated but births are so it would make sense that the we celebrate the birth of our Lord but...i glazed over at that point but it seems the dirth of Easter songs is down to Easter not being a time of celebration.
While the Easter Bunny died for our sins remember that too much chocolate can be bad for you as chocolate contains something called Theobromine which is a poison and while i can't find an exact figure how much chocolate you would have to scoff before calling an ambulance, a fatal dose for a 44lb (3 stone) dog is 20kg so rounding that up, you can safely eat 6.6kg of chocolate for every stone of weight so this Easter put on a hat made of thorns, slam some Mormon Tabernacle Choir in the CD player and eat that 40lb solid chocolate bunny and let's reclaim Easter.
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Petards Hoisted For Evans
It's amazing just how many Members of Parliament, the people who actually make the laws and regulations for the country, don't realise the implications of what their decision make to the public.
As the vast majority of the cabinet are millionaires living in leafy suburbs in huge houses and have never suffered hardship in their opulent lives, how can they possible know what a single mother living on benefits goes through but they still make the laws.
Such a case is Nigel Evans, the former Commons Deputy Speaker, who was an advocate for cutting legal aid and even chaired a meeting of one of the Committees that scrutinised the abolition of defence costs but then after facing a legal bill of £130,000 after his successful acquittal of sexual assault charges last week, has now expressed his regret for supporting legal aid cuts.
Evans said he was shocked to realise that he would not get the legal fees back following his acquittal and is saying that he now regrets his previous support for the cuts.
A glaring admission that the people who run the country have no idea of the turmoil and problems they cause because they do not have to live by the laws that they create and when something goes wrong and they do have to step outside their closeted World, they realise just what an almighty balls-up they have created for the rest of us.
Remember that when David Cameron and George Osborne are next on the TV telling us how their spiteful, ideological driven welfare cuts and the 81% rise in Food Banks are not related. Cameron has a £30m fortune and has never had a job outside of politics and Osborne worked as a towel folder for two weeks and stands to inherit a fortune from his parents wallpaper firm, as if they can possibly understand the choice between buying food or turning on the heating.
As for Evans, your made the bed, you lay in it.
As the vast majority of the cabinet are millionaires living in leafy suburbs in huge houses and have never suffered hardship in their opulent lives, how can they possible know what a single mother living on benefits goes through but they still make the laws.
Such a case is Nigel Evans, the former Commons Deputy Speaker, who was an advocate for cutting legal aid and even chaired a meeting of one of the Committees that scrutinised the abolition of defence costs but then after facing a legal bill of £130,000 after his successful acquittal of sexual assault charges last week, has now expressed his regret for supporting legal aid cuts.
Evans said he was shocked to realise that he would not get the legal fees back following his acquittal and is saying that he now regrets his previous support for the cuts.
A glaring admission that the people who run the country have no idea of the turmoil and problems they cause because they do not have to live by the laws that they create and when something goes wrong and they do have to step outside their closeted World, they realise just what an almighty balls-up they have created for the rest of us.
Remember that when David Cameron and George Osborne are next on the TV telling us how their spiteful, ideological driven welfare cuts and the 81% rise in Food Banks are not related. Cameron has a £30m fortune and has never had a job outside of politics and Osborne worked as a towel folder for two weeks and stands to inherit a fortune from his parents wallpaper firm, as if they can possibly understand the choice between buying food or turning on the heating.
As for Evans, your made the bed, you lay in it.
Blaming Each Other For Ukraine Crisis
As they say 'Truth is always the First causality of War' and there has been much spinning from all sides in the Ukranian crisis.
Russia doesn't want a countries whose sympathies lay with the West right on its doorstep while America sees the opportunity to get just that in Ukraine.
Russia has embarrassed America recently by spoiling its plans in Georgia, Syria and Iran and America seems to maintain a cold war mentality regarding Russia.
The European Union seems to not know what it wants, afraid of pushing Russia too hard as it supplies a good portion of the gas to Europe, but not particularly wanting to embrace Ukraine too much because its economy is a basketcase and the EU is having problems with the PIIGS nations dragging its currency down. Russia have been accused by the UN of exaggerating the assaults against ethnic Russians in Crimea to justify the integration of Crimea into the Russian Federation. The Russia Today news channel is reporting 11 deaths when Ukrainian government forces recaptured control of an airfield which had been controlled by pro-Russian protesters. International news organisations such as Reuters revealed warning shots had been fired and an officer had his hat knocked off in scuffles but no deaths.
America has strongly denied any 'stirring of the pot' to bring about the overthrow of Viktor Yanukovich in the early days but while it is saying that it is up to the Ukrainian people to decide their future, the leak telephone conversation between Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland and the US Ambassador to Ukraine, Geoffrey Pyatt discussing who should, and shouldn't, go into the new Government proves that they have been stirring it from the start.
Now with the Ukraine military making movements towards the eastern side of the country, Russian troops massed on the border of Ukraine and NATO talking about bolstering their presence in the area, we seem to be moving towards a place that could spin quickly out of control.
As for foreign governments meddling in the affairs of another, the Russian, American and EU countries will always deny any involvement but when you are caught with your hand in the sweet jar, it is hard to deny but the rhetoric will continue and Russia will tell everyone it is all America's doing, America will say to all that it's Russia meddling and the EU will sit quietly hoping that it all just goes away.
Russia doesn't want a countries whose sympathies lay with the West right on its doorstep while America sees the opportunity to get just that in Ukraine.
Russia has embarrassed America recently by spoiling its plans in Georgia, Syria and Iran and America seems to maintain a cold war mentality regarding Russia.
The European Union seems to not know what it wants, afraid of pushing Russia too hard as it supplies a good portion of the gas to Europe, but not particularly wanting to embrace Ukraine too much because its economy is a basketcase and the EU is having problems with the PIIGS nations dragging its currency down. Russia have been accused by the UN of exaggerating the assaults against ethnic Russians in Crimea to justify the integration of Crimea into the Russian Federation. The Russia Today news channel is reporting 11 deaths when Ukrainian government forces recaptured control of an airfield which had been controlled by pro-Russian protesters. International news organisations such as Reuters revealed warning shots had been fired and an officer had his hat knocked off in scuffles but no deaths.
America has strongly denied any 'stirring of the pot' to bring about the overthrow of Viktor Yanukovich in the early days but while it is saying that it is up to the Ukrainian people to decide their future, the leak telephone conversation between Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland and the US Ambassador to Ukraine, Geoffrey Pyatt discussing who should, and shouldn't, go into the new Government proves that they have been stirring it from the start.
Now with the Ukraine military making movements towards the eastern side of the country, Russian troops massed on the border of Ukraine and NATO talking about bolstering their presence in the area, we seem to be moving towards a place that could spin quickly out of control.
As for foreign governments meddling in the affairs of another, the Russian, American and EU countries will always deny any involvement but when you are caught with your hand in the sweet jar, it is hard to deny but the rhetoric will continue and Russia will tell everyone it is all America's doing, America will say to all that it's Russia meddling and the EU will sit quietly hoping that it all just goes away.
Who We Are Suporting This Week
For those not paying close enough attention, it can be very confusing when it comes to who we are supporting in some of the trouble spots around the World.
Take the latest one in Ukraine for example, we supported the people in the first uprising against the elected Government but we are against the second one where the people are rising up against the ones who make up the self-elected Government. We have even turned a blind eye to them shooting their own citizens this time in the east of the country, we couldn't shout loud enough when the same military did it in Kiev.
Before that was Egypt where we didn't support the people looking to boot out Mubarak, then we did, then we did. In Kosovo we called the KLF terrorists, then forgot about that when the Yugoslav Army retaliated to their slaughter and helped them into Government where they have been merrily ethnically cleaning Kosovo and are now described as 'gangsters' by the UN. Oops, hush that up.
In Afghanistan, we went to war to remove the Government and then after over a decade of war, we ask them if they would like to be part of a new Government.
Then there was Libya where the nasty people we forced out of Afghanistan went to and who we then gave arms to and helped in removing Colonel Gaddafi. With the use of our weapons, the same people then went to other parts of Africa, Algeria and Mali, and caused them problems which we then had to go and remove with our military.
Syria has been boiling for a while and while we support the removal of Assad, we are unsure of the people that want to replace him but armed and supported them anyway.
Of course the ultimate we like you, now we don't was the Mujaheddin in the 80s who we armed and bankrolled to fight the Soviets who then changed name to Al Queada and promised to destroy us and have been trying ever since.
In Israel, we give unqualified support to the country that has been subjugating and oppressing the Palestinians for over 60 years while they steal their land, and then throw sanctions at Russia for taking over the Crimea after a referendum. We also backed elections in Palestine until they elected a party we didn't like and then went cold on them.
Of course while we are supporting uprisings in other countries, peaceful Occupy protests against the 1% in America were brutally put down by police wielding guns and chemical spray and any demonstrations in the UK have to gain the police stamp of approval otherwise demonstrators are kettled for the day.
Yes it is confusing but listen to the politicians and they will set you straight on exactly who we are supporting this week and why we are not the bad guys for stoking up protests in the first place and stomping around deciding who can, and can't, run their own countries.
Take the latest one in Ukraine for example, we supported the people in the first uprising against the elected Government but we are against the second one where the people are rising up against the ones who make up the self-elected Government. We have even turned a blind eye to them shooting their own citizens this time in the east of the country, we couldn't shout loud enough when the same military did it in Kiev.
Before that was Egypt where we didn't support the people looking to boot out Mubarak, then we did, then we did. In Kosovo we called the KLF terrorists, then forgot about that when the Yugoslav Army retaliated to their slaughter and helped them into Government where they have been merrily ethnically cleaning Kosovo and are now described as 'gangsters' by the UN. Oops, hush that up.
In Afghanistan, we went to war to remove the Government and then after over a decade of war, we ask them if they would like to be part of a new Government.
Then there was Libya where the nasty people we forced out of Afghanistan went to and who we then gave arms to and helped in removing Colonel Gaddafi. With the use of our weapons, the same people then went to other parts of Africa, Algeria and Mali, and caused them problems which we then had to go and remove with our military.
Syria has been boiling for a while and while we support the removal of Assad, we are unsure of the people that want to replace him but armed and supported them anyway.
Of course the ultimate we like you, now we don't was the Mujaheddin in the 80s who we armed and bankrolled to fight the Soviets who then changed name to Al Queada and promised to destroy us and have been trying ever since.
In Israel, we give unqualified support to the country that has been subjugating and oppressing the Palestinians for over 60 years while they steal their land, and then throw sanctions at Russia for taking over the Crimea after a referendum. We also backed elections in Palestine until they elected a party we didn't like and then went cold on them.
Of course while we are supporting uprisings in other countries, peaceful Occupy protests against the 1% in America were brutally put down by police wielding guns and chemical spray and any demonstrations in the UK have to gain the police stamp of approval otherwise demonstrators are kettled for the day.
Yes it is confusing but listen to the politicians and they will set you straight on exactly who we are supporting this week and why we are not the bad guys for stoking up protests in the first place and stomping around deciding who can, and can't, run their own countries.
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