Thursday, 21 September 2017

Sept 23: End Of The World...Again

How's your week going so far? Well, best make the most of it as things are going to go seriously downhill on Saturday because according to Biblical Scholars, the World is going to end this weekend. Again.
Apparently thanks to an alignment of several planets and constellations, the Rapture is set for 23 September which will see all 'worthy' Christians ascend to heaven and leaving the rest of us 'unworthy' ones to perish here on the Earth as per the Bible passage Revelation 12: 1-2 which predicts the Antichrist arriving and bringing with him devastation, which could really spoil any plans you had for Sunday but don't worry because if the Rapture on Saturday isn't convenient for you, there are two more on the way.
The first is scheduled to begin in 2020 and if you miss that one there will be another one along in 2021, those Bible passages are notoriously difficult to get accurate it seems so the worthy Christians may just have to knock along with us unworthy ones coveting our neighbours asses and whistling on a Sunday for a while longer yet.
Not too long though because The Messiah Foundation International preach that a massive asteroid is hurtling toward our planet, on course to collide in 2026 and in a shocking twist, will bring about the Rapture when the Lord will return and save everyone worth saving...etc etc.
Issac Newton may be known as the man who discovered Gravity but you do wonder just hard that apple hit him on the head as he calculated from the Book of Revelations that mankind will come to a screeching halt in 2060 although he didn't specify how it will all end.
The Muslims are much clearer with the details, they have the world ending with earthquakes and volcanoes in 2129 before it all turns a bit Japanese Manga Comic with a one-eyed beast battling the Messiah as Gog and Magog, whoever they are, descending upon the Earth.
There are no such monsters in the Judaism end days penciled in for 30th September 2239 when the Messiah will appear to help us prepare for his new kingdom of Heaven but it will only be for those who actively prepare for his arrival so as you won’t be allowed into the Heaven Party if you don’t help set it up so maybe make some sandwiches that day, not Ham ones though.
Finally, the Buddhists have their policies of peace and self-reflection, serenity and rebirth but in the year 84517 they say that our Sun will be joined by six others and the Earth and all on it will burst into flames in a fiery explosion. 
So there are some dates that the World will end to jot into your diary starting this Saturday but i will stick my neck out and predict that if you have a ticket for the Brighton v Newcastle game this Sunday, then you shouldn't cancel your travel arrangements but it may be worth checking if in the event of the Rapture, you can get a refund just in case.

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Rocketman v The Cheeto In Chief

Donald Trump seems to have dived to the depths of infantile name calling and has taken to calling North Korean Kim Jung Un 'Rocketman' and as Kim is just as childish as the unhinged American President you can almost sense he is sitting in Pyongyang going through the options of what to call him in response.
The options he faces are to go with something about his weird hair, his less than svelte figure, his blatant racism, his being a self confessed sex fiend, the teeny tiny penis, the love of Hitler, his lack of spelling skills or the strangely orange skin.
Lots for Kim to ponder there, maybe rotate them but he may have to be quick because it seems that the Gropenfurher may have decided that despite threatening to kill 25 million North Koreans because he doesn't like their leader, North Korea is too hard and has moved his sights onto another country to threaten with it now being Iran's turn to hear Trumps crazy rantings.
In his incoherent rambling UN speech, Trump called Iran a: 'depleted rogue state whose chief exports are violence, bloodshed, and chaos', a diatribe applauded by Israel who has been visiting violence, bloodshed and chaos on its neighbours for 60 years and Saudi Arabia who is currently using its military to violently reduce the population of Yemen.
Three more hateful, warmongering regimes you could not wish to meet but Iran is now the bad guy despite only last week the UN and the USA declaring that Iran was keeping their side of the agreement to limit the scope of Iran’s nuclear power programme to remove the potential for nuclear weapons development.
Obviously assuming he could use the same rhetoric that he uses to the white supremacists at his rallies, he was wildly out of his depth and it would be funny if Trump stayed to taking a wrecking ball and destabilize his own country but he is starting to leech outside of America's walls and making threats to other nations in league with some of histories worst violators which can only tip an already finely balanced World so it is down to the rest of the World to slap him down hard when he gets another temper tantrum.

What We Know About Mark Sampson

I do wonder how the England Women Football team feel about that show of support for their now former manager Mark Sampson after he was sacked for 'inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour'.
The details of exactly what constituted the unacceptable behaviour is being shielded by the FA but what we do know is that whatever happened, it was during his time at Bristol City Academy when he was in charge of the 16-19 year old girls. 
He was investigated by the FA in 2015 after allegations against him from Bristol City girls and his behaviour was found to be enough for a period of mentoring and training 'to establish the boundaries between manager and players' only reflects badly on the FA who appointed him England Women's manager despite the enquiry findings.
It was only after two England players, Eniola Aluko and Drew Spence, announced charges of racism, harassment and bullying against him that the FA decided to have another look at his record and decide that he wasn't appropriate after all.
The Women in Football Organisation have said that they raised concerns with the FA over Sampson's suitability for the England role during the England recruitment process after highlighting Sampson being given training and mentoring following the enquiry into his behaviour with the teenage girls at Bristol City.
The FA can't say they were not warned about him and it is to their dishonour that they have only now got around to reading the full enquiry details of his unacceptable behaviour but even worse is if the England women knew these full facts whilst giving him such a public show of support on Tuesday.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Speak Up May

Rumours abound regarding Theresa May's Brexit themed speech in Florence this Friday although nobody expects her to make the one that she should do, the one that tells everyone that we will not being going ahead with Brexit.
The madness that is Brexit will carry on under this Government and although no details are forthcoming, the address is likely to be seen as a bid to break the deadlock in divorce talks as negotiations falter on the cost of the financial settlement which sums ranging up tp £100 billion.
EU officials are refusing to discuss a future relationship until sufficient progress has been made on a settling of the bill while Britain wants to discuss both concurrently.
The most persistant rumours are that May will agree a financial settlement of £50 billion to cover the UK's liabilities, to be paid over an undefined period so talks can continue.
It won't be popular, especially as the Brexiters main beef was the amount we pay to the EU but considering Brexit amounts to economic suicide anyway, what's throwing another £50 billion into the wind when we have a growing debt of £1.56 trillion and a financially inept Government running things.

Saturday, 16 September 2017

How To Survive A Nuclear War

The US has warned it could revert to military options if new sanctions fail to curb North Korean missile and nuclear tests, after Pyongyang fired a missile over Japan for the second time in two weeks and so the threat of war between two nuclear nations takes a step closer but don't fear because i have got my hands on the Government pamphlet, 'How to survive a Nuclear War'.
Fair enough it was published in 1980 but advises the public on what to do in the face of nuclear war with handy hints on how to deal with the effects of nuclear fall-out, outlines how to plan for survival and recognise the warning signs when an attack is imminent, and advises on what to do immediately following an attack and in the days after.
The first section advises people on how to make a fallout room in the centre of your home as far away from windows and walls as possible to protect from radioactive fallout dust.
If you have no fall out room then pack furniture around a large table and crawl beneath.
Families would remain in the room for some 14 days after the attack, so the brochure provides a list of essential items to stockpile. 
The list includes enough drinking water for each person to drink two pints a day, tinned food which you can eat cold (don't forget the can opener), a portable radio and spare batteries to listen for instructions about what to do after the attack, cutlery and crockery, warm clothing, a first aid kit, a clock and a calendar.
It also lists blankets, torches and candles, chairs, a bucket and toilet roll and a change of clothing. 
Section 3 of the pamphlet explains what to do if you hear the attack warning, turn of the gas and electric, shut the windows, draw the curtains and go to the fall out room.
The final section explains that if a family member should die whilst in the shelter, wrap them in plastic bin bags and leave them outside with a note for identification purposes.

All very useful information but what it doesn't mention is that if you live within 20 miles of a military facility don't bother looking for toilet roll or a bucket as you will be instantly incinerated in the initial blast but if you are still alive after 14 days, you can crawl out from your fall out room or makeshift shelter under the table and survey what is left of the planet, which wouldn't be very much.

Friday, 15 September 2017

Trump's Tiny Todger Troubles

With an ego as big, and an intelligence so small, the mocking of Donald Trumps teeny tiny penis is going to irritate him bigly so the man with the tiny todger is going to try and scotch the rumour at every opportunity.
The dubious medical science is that Donald Trump has small hands hence what he has in the boxer short department is also small.
Only Mrs Trump will know for certain if Donald has less meat in his pants that a vegan restaurant but the withered willied Mr Trump is ultra-sensitive to this particular insult and has denied rumours about the size of his dinky dick which is why during a trip to a relief shelter in Houston, Trump declared while putting on some gloves that his hands were too big and then repeated it during a separate trip to Florida when again he was struggling to pull on a pair of latex gloves.
It may be worth noting that he opted to hand out sandwiches while Vice President was responsible for handing out bananas which avoided any cheap jokes about Trump's own pint-sized plonker.
I'm sure that the jokes about the Don's stunted schlong will endure, along with those of his weird hair, strangely orange skin and lack of intelligence but one thing he certainly is not is boring, puny pocket-sized pecker almost certainly, but not boring.

Derbyshire Police Buying A Pup

There is a saying originating from the Middle Ages when meat was scarce, but dogs were not, where one would be sold a bag you thought contained a piglet, only to find out that the animal in the sack is a puppy, hence the saying to buy a pup.
The British police make wide use of dogs to sniff out drugs and even money and now Derbyshire police have bought a pair of FBI-trained dogs to help bring paedophiles to justice by 'sniffing them out'.
Police Constable Jan Simpson said: 'We will not tolerate those committing this heinous crime. If you are taking, viewing, downloading or distributing indecent images of children, then it is only a matter of time before you can expect us to knock on your door'.
Sounds impressive that the dogs, an 18-month-old springer spaniel called Tweed and a Labrador named Rob, have been specifically trained in paedophile uncovering until you read exactly what they are trained to sniff out, hard drives.
Not sure how much the Americans charged but what Derbyshire police have spent their money on is a couple of dogs that can lead officers to computers which they can then examine to see if they contain indecent child images.
I doubt if the cost of a couple of tins of dog food a day is going to wipe out the Derbyshire Police budget but if they think that paying money for a dog that can find a computer is worth it then i have a cat that can sniff out chocolate i can sell them to help in the war against terrorism.
They really have in every way literally bought a pup, actually two of them .

Thursday, 14 September 2017

Bye Bye Cassinni

If you were on Saturn this Friday, around 11.30 am, you would see a man made meteor streaking across the Saturnian sky as Cassinni ends its 20 year mission by diving headlong into the giant planet. 
A journey that began in 1997 and took in Venus and Jupiter on it's way to Saturn where it made 300 trips around the Gas giant and will continue to gather data on Saturn’s clouds as it hurtles through them at 69,600 mph until it burns up in the fall through the atmosphere in a strategy to stop it crash-landing and contaminate one of Saturn's moons.
One of the most important discoveries courtesy of Cassinni was the moon Enceladus which holds beneath its icy surface an ocean of liquid water which has led to further planned missions to find out if those far flung seas hold life.
Cassini is indeed a great achievement for mankind, such a shame we can't do more of it.

Happy Birthd....SHHHH!!

Saudi Arabia is Britain's new bestest friend especially as it is immensely rich and spends a fortune on the military equipment that we knock out and as we are seemingly full steam ahead for economic suicide with Brexit, we need all the money we can get our hands on.
The Saudi's never trouble the top of any lists for most tolerant or democratic nations but when it comes to whack-a-doodle religious nut-jobbery they are right up there.
Case in point is today's announcements that they are banning of birthdays as they are: 'unbeneficial things that Islam does not promote' and Pok√©mon Go which is deemed: 'a promotion of gambling and Darwin’s Theory of Evolution'.
It wasn't explained how a quick chorus of Happy Birthday, a cake with a few candles in it might bring down the Islamic faith but then if you run any country by the belief that a man living in a cloud created everything then you are bound to be run by crackpots telling you that blowing out the candles on your birthday will see you on the wrong side of the law.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

The Shame Of Aung San Suu Kyi

There are not many people on the World Stage who you can admire and up until recently Burma's Aung San Suu Kyi name was mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Nelson Mandela's but her star has fallen fantastically fast. 
For years she was feted as one of the brightest hopes for human rights around the world after her release from the long period of house saw her replacing the military junta in the Burmese Government.
Now, it is the military under her command responsible for the atrocities currently happening in Burma, atrocities that have seen helicopter attacks on villages, rapes, throats of women and children slit and people rounded up and burned alive.
She has refused to speak out and condemn the ethnic cleansing going on against the Rohinga minority in her country as this week reports surfaced of 300,000 Rohingya forced to flee machete-wielding mobs and soldiers armed with machine guns.
By not speaking out against her own military's genocidal massacre of her own citizens, she is legitimising their actions and on a personal level, trashing her reputation and along with it the belief of so many people who believed that she was the type of person that we need more of in this world but instead became the very person she did so much to overthrow.