Friday, 19 January 2018

Another Asteroid Heading Our Way Feb 4th

If an asteroid 0.7 miles wide, travelling at 67,000 mph hit the Earth it would Herald a new ice age as temperatures fall 8°C around the globe and last for a decade.
Luckily, NASA have us covered and monitor all bits of space heading our way which could collide with us and announce anything they consider as a danger.
Unluckily that is exactly what NASA have done as a 0.7 miles wide asteroid named 2002 AJ129 is currently barrelling towards Earth at the speed of 67,000mph and will come within just 2.5 million miles of the planet on the 4th February.
NASA has given the rock the 'potentially hazardous' status and the National Centre for Atmospheric Research said with brilliant understatement that it: 'would not be pleasant'.
Fortunately, none of those scenarios are likely as NASA are confident that that the asteroid will pass safely by without incident but if you got plans for 5th February you may want to make sure you have kept the receipt, you know, just in case.

Dead People Worth It For Tillerson

Madeline Albright was the U.S. Secretary of State in the late 90s and when asked by a reporter about the half a million Iraqi children under five years old who had died due to UN sanctions, replied that 'we think the price is worth it'.
Quite rightly she was widely castigated for her callous disregard to the deaths of thousands of innocents and the assertion that the obscene number of deaths was a price worth paying to achieve her nations political ends.
Today's US Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, has now taken a leaf from the Albright book of heartless apathy towards foreigners by saying that signs of starvation and death in North Korea indicate that US diplomatic strategy is working fine. 
If the number of dead people is how they are measuring the success of their foreign policy then they can say that the last two decades has been an overwhelming success as dead bodies litter the landscape.
That a representative of the United States is happy to see innocent people starving to death shows just how far we haven't moved on since the inhuman Albright and the funerals of dead children being worth it.

Thursday, 18 January 2018

Merci Monsieur Macron

In exchange for the British Government shoving £45m towards the French to keep the British border on French soil, that nice President Macron is lending us the Bayeux Tapestry on condition that they can move it without the 900 year old piece of cloth falling apart.  
Merci Mr Macron for sending us a reminder of the time the French gave us plucky Brits a damn good licking but we cannot allow the offer to go without us offering something British in return, apart from the £45 million pounds anyway.
We could return Arsene Wenger to you but you have enough Football managers so what about bread as those silly long things you carry around under your arms is not bread so how about a few thousand loaves of Hovis?
We have your Rosetta Stone still somewhere which you can lend if we can find it or how about one of the Trafalgar Square lions made from the French cannons from ships captured at the battle of Trafalgar.
How about we give you back Les Misérables because we took Victor Hugo's great book and turned it into a not great musical so sorry and take it back and see if you can fix it.
One thing we have which you don't is a Royal Family, so how about we send some of the Royals your way, we have more than enough to spare and some more on the way so take your pick, they come in all shapes, sizes and colours from grey to ginger to bald so pick the ones you like and we will wrap them up for you.

Wednesday, 17 January 2018

Trump Did Have Sexual Relations With That Woman

This is without doubt a golden age for journalists and comedians with the reason sat in the White House stuffing his face with cheeseburgers and signing into Twitter.
Just when you think the bottom of the Donald Trump barrel has been scraped you realise that there is still a long way to go as hot on the heels of his 'Shithole countries' comments, his extra-marital affair with porn actress Stormy Daniels is revealed.    
Maybe we should pause for a recap of how we got here with the 3rd fattest US President and the star of Wishes 3 so let's start back in 2006 when Trumps wife, Melania, was at home with their new born baby and Donald was doing some stuff at the Office with that Office being a Lake Tahoe hotel suite and the stuff being Stephanie Clifford aka adult film actress Stormy Daniels.
Shortly before the 2016 election, Clifford claims to have had a series of encounters with Donald Trump, beginning in 2006 and Trump shoveled $130,000 (£94,000) towards her in exchange for keeping her trap shut which she did, denying she and the fat guy with the bad hair made the bed-springs creak in a collection of sleazy hotel rooms.
Trump’s team of lawyers shouted 'FAKE NEWS' and denied any sexual relations between the president and Stormy but overlooked the 2011 interview when Daniels had conducted a lengthy interview (and polygraph test) about the affair with In Touch magazine. Oops.
The magazine have now reprinted the interview and have made space for it in this months edition so everyone can read the gory details of something that cost Donald Trump a six figure sum but never took place.    
Most disturbing is the quote that he compared Ms Daniels to his daughter Ivanka which becomes doubly creepy when you recall how during his campaign he said if she wasn't his daughter he would date her.
As there is seemingly no depths the depraved President pervert will sink to, recall what he paid the Russian Prostitutes to do in that Russian Hotel room, you just know that the clown still has so much further to fall and the media he hates so much will be cheering him the loudest all the way down.
Journalists and comedians can't thank you enough for electing him America.

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Remembering The Cold War Lessons

As a Cold-War kid of the 70's and 80's, a decent part of my childhood was spent under the threat of a nuclear war breaking out at any point and if the Doomsday Clock is anything to go by, we shouldn't have too long to wait for one now.
Since 1991 and the fall of the Berlin Wall, the threat of nuclear annihilation seemed to subside, the Doomsday Clock shifted to 17 minutes to midnight and the talk was of nuclear de-escalation with the Soviets and Americans running down their nuclear stockpiles.
Somewhere between 1991 and today we seem to have lost our way and their is now a proliferation of desks with big red buttons on them and we have World Leaders threatening each other with nuclear war and an American President talking up the use of small nuclear missiles.
Only two nuclear weapons have ever been used in warfare, the first killed 166,000 in Hiroshima and the second 80,000 in Nagasaki giving a total of 246,000 lives wiped out in seconds and chillingly, today's nuclear weapons are over 3,000 times as powerful as those two bombs.
The Tsar bomb that Russia tested on Mityushikha Bay in 1961, released the nuclear energy of 3,333 Hiroshima bombs that levelled the city and caused widespread devastation.
With some unstable countries having a nuclear arsenal and some very unstable leaders in charge of the nuclear button, we seemed to have sleepwalked into another MAD situation but even that threat likely won't stop it.
We had what the nightmare of a nuclear War would look like drilled into us as kids, the millions of people vaporised in less than a second, buildings toppling on people faster than they can react and everyone slowly dying of cancer is scary but it seems people have forgotten that in a nuclear war, nobody wins, we all lose.  
Before nations spend billions they can ill-afford building bigger and better bombs, they need to consider that launching a nuclear missile will not go unanswered and guarantee that whatever devastation you wreak on your enemy, the same will be wreaked on you with weapons thousands of times more powerful then the ones that flattened entire cities and killed a quarter of a million people in under a second 70 years ago and that should be as eye-opening as it gets.

Sunday, 14 January 2018

Feast Of The Ass

Today is The Feast of the Ass, a Christian feast celebrating all the donkey-related stories in the Bible but especially the one about carrying Mary to the stable to give birth to God's son and all that nonsense.
Today of course, more so in America where they don't speak proper English, the feast of the ass is something altogether different and includes Buns and Wedgies, probably a rump steak and at the end of the day, under a large Moon, a can or two.
January 1st was the Feast of Circumcision when Christians ate things in celebration of Jesus's foreskin but today is all about the ass so let's raise a glass and shout Bottoms Up to the Saints who are famed for all things ass related.
The Saint to pray to for protection against bowel disorders is Saint Bonaventure of Bagnoregio while for dysentry it's Saint Eulalia of Barcelona you should direct your communications towards.
Saint Fiacre was especially famed for his gift of healing by the placing on of hands but when you hear he is the patron Saint against haemorrhoids, you may not want to think too long about that.

UKIP Proving The Proverb Right Again

Not all right wingers are racist but all the racists are on the right wing and once again the proverb has been proven true by the lovable UKIP Party with their leader's girlfriend, Jo Marney, who sent a series of texts in which she said Meghan Markle marrying Prince Harry would mean: 'the Prince's black American fiancee will taint the Royal family with her seed' would 'pave the way for a black king', said that 'she had a tiny brain' and gave the opinion that 'black people were ugly' and she
did not 'want other races invading her culture'.
The newly elected UKIP leader, Henry Bolton, has come out to say that: 'UKIP does not, has not and never will condone racism' and his girlfriend Ms Marney has apologised and said her messages had been taken out of context.
Not sure what context it could possibly had been taken out of but Mr Bolton has a tough decision to make, either he kicks his horribly racist new girlfriend into touch and remains leader of the bunch of the nasty little Englander's he currently heads or he steps down and stands by the women he only recently left his wife for.
Should be a no brainer but as Ms Marney has proven, brains isn't the most abundant commodity on the right wing.     

Saturday, 13 January 2018

Fly Me To The Moon

Next time the Moon is waxing (The Capital D Shape) and you can see the right hand side of it take a look towards the outer edge between 1 and 2 o'clock and just up and to the right of the Mare Crisium you will see a crater called Vestine and after staring at it in wonder send me a cheque because i own that and i charge to view it.
To prove it is mine i have a Lunar Land Deed of ownership from the Lunar Register courtesy of my family who decided what i needed was to own a piece of the land so they got me a hole in the ground, 240,000 miles away.
Legally, i know that what i actually have is a fancy piece of paper worth as much as a fancy piece of paper but unless NASA plan to land in it or someone builds a Hotel in it, for all intent and purposes it's mine and a lengthy course case to prove ownership shouldn't be an issue.  
The Outer Space Treaty (1967) and The Moon Treaty (1979) states that: 'Outer space, including the moon and other celestial bodies, is not subject to national appropriation by claim of sovereignty, by means of use or occupation, or by any other means' which means that no nation can claim it but as the language is specific to national ownership, it doesn't stop an individual claiming part of it.
I argued this with my lawyer friend who agreed that there is nothing that expressly forbids individuals from owning land on the moon but any documentation that claims you own land on the moon is unenforceable, and no nation on the planet would recognise it but then again, if i were able to fly up to the moon and build a settlement there, it would be pretty difficult for anyone to stop me.
The ESA hopes to build an 'international village' on the Moon between 2020 and 2030 and NASA has plans of its own for a moon base while The Russian space agency (Roscosmos) is planning to build a lunar base by the 2020s, and the China National Space Agency (CNSA) is planning to build such a base in a similar timeframe so if any of them fancy a prime piece of lunar real estate in a desirable location with great views of the Earth, give me a call and we can negotiate. 

Letting Carillion Go

Capitalism is great until you run out of other people's money and then it's either go bankrupt and employee's lose their jobs or you look for a handout of other people's money which is exactly what the banks did back in 2008 and the reason why the economy has sucked ever since.
Now the Government have a decision to make as Britain's second-largest construction group is on the brink of collapse and the banks are refusing to lend them credit and it is towards the Government and the tax payers they are looking for a £2 billion payday.
Carillion are holding emergency talks with ‎Whitehall officials to borrow significant amounts of new funding from its existing lenders but only if the Government agrees to guarantee payments if they default.
'Without that commitment of support from the Government, administration is all but inevitable' said a Carillion spokesman but the noises coming from the Government is that ministers had decided against providing a direct financial bailout to loss-making Carillion and were also likely to be lukewarm about being guarantor for them reflecting the Governments precarious grip on Parliament
especially if the taxpayer is landed with the £2 billion bill.
The company falling would affect the 19,500 people employees and 20,000 pension scheme members in the UK and cause considerable disruption given Carillion holds so many government contracts from building hospitals to managing schools.
Especially galling is that in 2016 it had sales of £5.2bn and until July 2017 the company was worth £1bn and paid out bonuses to the managers and dividends to the shareholders so to come begging for taxpayer funded bail-out which will add a further £2 bn to debt won't sit well in the age of austerity.
The government has said that contingency plans are in place and it is closely monitoring the situation as long as that doesn't mean a repeat of 2008 when the banks privatised the profits but where very quick to socialise the losses for which we are still paying for a decade later.

What Happened To Zuma?

Last Sunday there was a report that after many delays, the top secret, hush hush Zuma mission had been launched into space with a payload so important that the launch could only be performed under perfect conditions.
Within hours it was being reported that the wait was all for nothing as whatever was being dragged upwards by the SpaceX, Falcon 9 rocket, it was now shooting back downwards again and ended up at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. 
The whispers were that it was a military satellite of some description which nobody would confirm or deny but the SpaceX President and CEO Gwynne Shotwell explained that after reviewing all the data, the problem was not their rocket.
The Pentagon straight-batted any questions by answering that as it was a SpaceX mission and they  conducted the launch, they should be asked what went wrong.
That their multi-billion dollar piece of military equipment is now a nice new home to sealife is excepted but call me cynical but maybe that's what they want us to believe.
We don't know what it was that they was attempting to put in orbit but if is it a spy satellite, saying 'oh dear it never worked' is the perfect response because by it's nature of being something to spy with, you don't want your enemies to know you are spying on them.
Either it is in the Ocean slowly rusting like they want us to believe or it's orbiting above our heads spying on whoever it was designed to spy on like they don't want us to believe.