Thursday, 8 December 2016

2016 Best Band In Heaven Support Group

As anyone who has read this blog for any length of time will know, i am the manager/promoter of the Best Band In Heaven which is made up of the best musicians and singers who have taken the trip upstairs through the Pearly Gates.
So far, 2016 has seen our ranks swell considerably as a bumper crop of talented music makers have cashed in their chips but none of this years new arrivals have managed to dislodge the current line up of: Bonham, Lemmy, Strummer, Hendrix and Mercury belting out the tunes.
We did consider either Prince or Bowie replacing Freddie Mercury (especially as Mercury was, as the Devil diplomatically put it while trying to swipe the Queen front man for his Best Band in Hell, as gay as a treeful monkeys on nitrous oxide) but we decided that Mercury was the better singer and God said he would keep him.
With so many musicians and singers kicking their heels it has been decided that for this years Christmas tour, we would have a warm up act consisting of just the musicians who have died this year.
We started with the easy choices, of the list to choose from, the singer had to be Bowie with Prince on lead guitar.
Leonard Cohen fancied his chances but he was quickly told to go do one as was Pete Burns, Prince Buster, that guy from the Beastie Boys and Colonel Abrahams.
The only drummer we have is Dale Griffin from Matt The Hoople so we gave him the sticks and we went with Rainbows Jimmy Bain over the new arrival Gregg Lake on the bass as God hates his 'I Believe In Father Christmas' song.   
With the line up complete and 16 days to practise for the 24th December concert, I have to go and explain to them again why ACDC's 'Highway to Hell' isn't an appropriate opener.
No rest for the wicked they say!!

Sunday, 4 December 2016

Actors Giving It All Up

I often thought if i was a well paid movie star, i would rock up for a couple of films, swell my bank balance astronomically and then just bugger off and get a proper job with my reputation, fame and place in film history untarnished.    
Seems a few big names did just that such as the mustachioed, Hawaiian shirt wearing Tom Selleck who had a good run in the '80s and '90s but gave it all up to but a farm and grow avocados.
Rick Moranis of the 80s banked the cheques from Little Shop of Horrors, Ghostbusters and Honey I shrunk the Kids and just stopped turning up at film sets anymore.
To be fair to him it was after his wife died of breast cancer but with his best acting years coming 20 years, he now admits he sits in his room playing with his computer.
Freddie Prinze Jr did it the right way, turned up for I Know What You Did last Summer and Scooby Doo and then just gave it up although he did marry Buffy or Sarah Michelle Geller as she is also known.
Unfortunately Sylvester Stallone, Nicolas Cage and Steven Seagal kept at it.

Trusted Professions 2016

Nurses and doctors are the most trusted profession while Government ministers, estate agents and journalists remain at the bottom of the Trust league according to the Ipsos Mori 2016 Veracity Index which annually assesses which roles are most trusted by the public.
Politicians are trusted by just 15% of people with journalists standing at 24% trusted while at the other end 93% of people trust a nurse.
69% trust the clergy, police get 71% while hairdressers score 68% which is higher than economists and central bankers who have the trust of 48% of people and to honest asking financial advice from the lady who puts in your highlights is a safer bet if the state of the economy is anything to go by.
That said, i wouldn't trust Boris Johnson with a trip to the canteen to buy me a sandwich but we made him Foreign Secretary which explains where we may be going wrong.

Saturday, 3 December 2016

That's Gotta Hurt

Things that bite and sting are not such a problem for us Northern Hemispherers at this time of year but for those unlucky enough to be on the other side of the Equator its prime bitey, stingy time and an Australian man has just had his second brush with a spider who took exception to him urinating on his toilet bowl home and attacked the source.
For the second time, the man was turning up at his local hospital, pulling down his boxer shorts and asking his doctor to take a look.   
While a stung penis sounds very painful, science has found out that while a throbbing todger may hurt, there are more painful places for a spider to stick its fangs. 
Prof Adam Hart of the University of Gloucestershire said that fleshy parts of the body, where there's extra room to inject venom and greater capacity for swelling and areas with a lot of nerve endings are the most painful but one scientist, the stupid or brave Justin Schmidt, went above and beyond the call of duty and actually devised an experiment to establish which was the most painful part of the body to receive a sting - he inserted a bee's stinger into different parts of his own body and ranked the pain on a scale of one to 10.
The least painful locations, he found, were the upper arm, skull and tip of the middle toe while the worst were the nostril, the upper lip and the penis shaft.
While the Aussie with the rapidly swelling penis may have been uncomfortable, he was lucky the spider never made it to his nasal cavity but not as lucky as the doctor who had to treat him, lucky in that science has progressed enough that sucking the poison out of the site of the bite isn't the cure any longer.

War Against Christmas

Christians call it the reason for the season which means up until Jesus was born we only had Summer, Autumn and Spring but putting aside their lack of basic planetary science, the more religious amongst us have been rattling their rosary beads in annoyance that the Christ part of Christmas is being forgotten and the Prime Minister agrees, saying that we should no longer tolerate a situation in which people are afraid to mention Christmas.      
She has a point, the Tesco by me has the words 'CHRISTMAS' in six foot high red letters in their window, just imagine how big they would be if they wasn't afraid to mention it.
Despite the Christmas Trees in every office and enough tinsel decking the halls to reach Pluto, my colleagues and i at work have to lock ourselves in a cupboard and post a guard in order to discuss arrangements for the Office Christmas meal.
It’s a symbolic victory for Christmas that we are going out to celebrate Christmas at all, or to give it the proper name now that we daren’t seem to mention Christmas anymore, the 'Midwinter celebration of the Earth tilting to at the optimum angle to create minimum daylight lunch'. 
The Prime Minister is right though that nobody mentions Christmas anymore, in the Shopping Centre today only 90% of the shops staff wore Christmas jumpers or elf hats under banners proclaiming 'Christmas Special Offers' while asking me if i want a bag while Wizard wished it was a Christmas Everyday and Wham tunefully told us about what they did with their heart Last Christmas. 
'We want to ensure people are able to speak quite freely about Christmas' said the PM and i agree, we should be proud and celebrate Christianity and all that it stands for, minus the stoning gays to death and the whole God thing because that's just ridiculous.

Give Trump A Chance

He hasn't even planted his ample backside in the Oval Office chair yet and everyone is jumping all over Donald Trump as if he is going to usher in the end of the World.
Yes he comes across as childlike and a disaster waiting to happen but unlike Obama or Bush before him, he hasn't yet started any wars and isn't responsible for the deaths of untold hundreds of thousands and misery across the globe.
All we can do is give him a chance and wait and see what happens, he may surprise us and turn out to be the greatest thing that happens to the World.  
One thing we can anticipate is who he is surrounding himself with ready for when he gets handed the nuclear codes and the ability to put into practise all those things he has been promising.
Hmm...not looking too good is it.

Tuesday, 29 November 2016

They Did It Again?

It has happened so many times now that when a member of the government walks along outside Downing Street with notes clearly on show to the array of cameramen waiting outside, you have to think that that it can't just be another accident.
When Parliamentary aide Julia Dockerill walked to number 10 this week with her handwritten notes on the government’s Brexit strategy on show, it seemed so obviously a set up.
Not only was the ring binder open on the page but it was on top of a pile of other correspondence and being carried so it faced the cameras.
It seems obvious that the Government is playing the media like a violin with this new method of leaking because nobody walks around with important papers like that and 'leaking' information which in this case is the Governments Brexit plans which follows weeks of accusations that the Government doesn't actually have one.
You would like to think that is was a set up because no one group of supposedly responsible people could be that stupid and incompetent over and over again with sensitive information.
If it is accidental then the Government need to invest in some briefcases, folders and large envelopes but as as we do seem to be being run by a complete of shower of idiots, it was more likely a deliberate ploy to undermine Brexit and also a very handy diversion for the snoopers charter that was slipped out today without much fanfare.

The ■■■■■■■ Law

Britain’s intelligence services have been given the most privacy-invading mass surveillance powers in the world after the Investigatory Powers Act became law today. 
The legislation, dubbed the ‘snooper’s charter,’ authorizes the ■■■■■■■ to hack into devices, networks computers and ■■■■■■■ which allows for large databases of personal information on UK citizens to be maintained and ■■■■■■■.
Internet, ■■■■■■■ and phone companies can be forced to allow authorities to access to our records on demand and ■■■■■■■ with ■■■■■■■ and ■■■■■■■.
That data could be anything from ■■■■■■■, internet search history, calls made and text messages sent, and will be available to a wide range of Government agencies such as ■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■ and ■■■■■■■.
Home Secretary Amber Rudd has hailed the legislation as 'world-leading' saying it provides ' substantial privacy protection'.
The Home Office says the new law allows the police, security and intelligence agencies to gather and access electronic communications.
Civil liberties group Liberty said '■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ which will ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■'.
It is a sad day when ■■■■■■■ has control over ■■■■■■■ and can use it to ■■■■■■■ or even ■■■■■■■, the ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■'s. 

Sunday, 27 November 2016

Man Of The People On His Gold Throne

President-elect Donald Trump has given his first televised interview since winning the electoral vote - sitting on a gold throne while continuing his man-of-the-people-standing-up-for-the-little-guy rhetoric.
Surrounded by his family, he continued with his 'i'm a family man' shtick which he certainly is as he has had three of them which is why he now has five children by three different women.
One of his children, Ivanka, continued the long held tradition of a Trump being made to look stupid on Twitter by posting a picture of her own child, Theodore, with the text 'Cannot believe that Theodore is eight months old today! Happy birthday little teddy bear!'
Americans, please meet the man and his family about to run your lives for the next four years which may not be a problem for some who have picked up the gauntlet thrown down by Trump in the election run up as there has been a wide-scale surge in police reports of racial slurs, hate speech, threats against minorities and attacks on African Americans, Muslims and gay people.
Good luck America, you are going to need it.

Mr Brexit?

During the Brexit debacle Nigel Farage was pushed out to the edge of things by his own side so far that if it wasn't for him posing infront of that Nazi style poster in the dog days of the campaign that you could be forgiven that he was even still around.
Despite that he was not slow in going over to America to shake Trump by his tiny little penis hand and take the accolades as 'Mr Brexit'.
If that isn't enough of a brass neck, he is now back over here telling us that he should be a special envoy to America as he 'knows Trump', that he has been apologising to his new American pals for how us Brits mocked the new President and how we should forgive him for the things he said during his Presidential campaign.
Laughably up his own backside, Farage has as no chance of becoming anything that represents Britain as he was dismissed as a racist and a fruitcake not so long ago by the UK Government which you may think will go down well with the racist fruitcake about to land in the White House but with Boris Johnson in the Foreign Office, we can't have two of them rattling around acting in our name.      
Then there is the apology on behalf of Great Britain because we made fun of the orange haired weirdo with the small penis hands and silly hair before the election. Maybe Nigel Farage has been in the US since so maybe he has not noticed that the mockery has continued long after the last voting machine was packed away.
What he should know, as he has had it through all his career, the British ability to furiously make fun of people is infinite and we will continue to mercilessly mock Trump before, during and long after his Presidency.
Finally, to overlook the boast about him sexually assaulting women and the racist and sexist language might be a bit of a stretch so if Nigel wants a job maybe he should be put in charge of changing Trumps Twitter password or just anything which will keep the idiot over there and away from the UK.
PS...and if you have an opening for Piers Morgan, you can have him back also.