Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Told Ya So

Some say that the Shroud of Turin is the burial cloth of Jesus while others dismiss it as a medieval forgery.
Despite it being carbon-dated in the 80's and found to date from around the 13th Century, some still desperately cling to it as proof that Jesus was not only real but was nailed to a cross just as the Bible stated. 
A new study using modern forensic techniques now looks to knock the confidence of the son of God's blanket fans by revealing that the bloodstains on the shroud from the supposed crucifixion are as fake as those stories about a talking snake tempting women with apples. 
At some point, you would imagine one of the scientists would think, 'Hang on, we are trying to disprove a story of the son of a man who lives in the clouds and made all of mankind from dirt and bits of ribs' and give up and invent a vaccine to cure the gullibility of people who believe the religious fairy story in the first place.

Leave It The Feck Alone!!!

I've seen enough horror films to know that if you stumble across an ancient sarcophagus complete with strange symbols and the model of a head beside it then the last thing you should do is open the damned thing but Egyptian archaeologists have obviously not seen the same films as me because they are looking around for a crowbar to jimmy it open.
The 30 tonne, 9ft long black granite sarcophagus was uncovered in a tomb deep beneath the Egyptian city of Alexandria and has lain unopened for over 2000 years since the Ptolemaic period and as well as a mummified body, the archaeologists think it probably also contains priceless jewellery.
Due to the immense weight and the difficulties in moving the sarcophagus, experts plan to open the coffin in-situ but i say x-ray it first and if the mummified body has the head of a wolf or hawk then leave the bloody thing well alone.

Monday, 16 July 2018

Happy Birthday Nuclear Weapons

Today marks the 73rd anniversary of the first successful nuclear explosion in Alamogordo, New Mexico in 1945 and now there are nine countries that possess nuclear weapons, the US, Russia, the UK, France, China Israel, India, Pakistan and North Korea but even more countries have given up their nuclear weapons programmes believe they were more of a liability than an asset for national security.
The apartheid regime in South Africa built six warheads before dismantling them in 1989 while Sweden had an advanced plan to build up to a hundred warheads, but gave up the project as too expensive in the 1960s.
Argentina and Brazil have both pursued covert nuclear weapons programmes in the 90s as did Taiwan and South Korea who began developing plutonium production programmes until the US persuaded them to halt and rely on Washington for security. Japan has has all the materials and know-how to build a nuclear warhead quickly if it decided to follow that path.
Saddam Hussein's Iraq dismantled their nuclear weapons programme after the first Gulf war in 1991, and Libya’s Colonel Gaddafi handed over his nuclear weapons programme to the US in 2003 which as it turned out later was a massive own goal and a warning to any future despots considering giving up their atomic dreams.
We can consider ourselves fortunate that these insane devices of global destruction are only in the custody of responsible governments who only have the interests of humanity in mind...hmmm.

Gonna Cost Musk Millions

If you ever wondered just how classy Elon Musk is, you got your answer yesterday when he called a cave diver who helped rescue 12 Thai boys from deep within a cave a pedo on Twitter just because he refused his help.
In now deleted tweets, Musk had called Vern Unsworth a 'pedo guy' after trying to force a submarine onto the rescue team in the mistaken belief that he knows more about cave diving than actual cave divers who called the Musk rescue plan 'inappropriate' and a 'PR stunt'.
Mr Unsworth has now said that he was considering legal action and 'It's not finished' meaning he will hopefully take the hyper-sensitive and whiny man-child for millions.

Friday, 13 July 2018

Feeling Unwelcome Yet Donny?

Within 24 hours of arriving in the UK, Donald Trump was moaning that he felt unwelcome but why on earth would he feel like that?
Surely he was aware that tens of thousands of people were gathering in London to mark his arrival and there was balloons and everything.
In fact so many people turned out that police had to stop many more from entering Trafalgar Square so why would the President of the United States feel so unwelcome at the home of one of the very few remaining allies he has?
Oh i remember, it was all that racist stuff and admitting to sexually assaulting women as well as being a lying blowhard, i knew there was something.
Apart from the big orange baby balloon flying overhead, there was some brilliant banners including many which rhymed 'Trump' with 'Dump' and a quite a few which went along with the theme of the balloon and went with 'big orange baby'.
The weird colour of his skin was a dominant area and i saw a few referring to 'Wotsits' and him being 'Tango'd' and some doubling it up with his teeny, tiny penis hands such as 'Tiny Orange Hands' and 'Can't build a wall, his hands too small' which i have seen before and another one borrowed from elsewhere but is still very clever 'super-callous-fragile-racist-sexist-nazi-potus'.
'Donald Duck Off' was amusing and 'We shall overcomb' with various pictures of the Shredded Wheat barnet he favours but although my all time favourite is still 'Impeach the Orange', the best of the British efforts so far has to be the charming 'Feck orf you tango bawlbag' which hilariously works on so many levels.
The next adventure in keeping the President away from protesters so Theresa May can work a deal to import America's flavoursome chlorinated chicken is him and his ridiculous wife being shuffled off to Scotland so it's over to you guys north of the border to take up the challenge of making the third fattest President in history feel even more unwelcome than he already does.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Le Football Revient à La Maison

Sunday is the World Cup Final and it's 'COME ON ENG...' oh, hmmm, France versus Croatia you say. 
Of course you could argue that the boys did well to get to the Semi-Final but then you could also argue England had a massive dose of good fortune to not play anyone decent until the semi-final and then we got turfed out by the first good team we played.
They obviously didn't sacrifice enough Manchester United fans to appease the Gods of football and i say they because nous sommes français maintenant!!
Yes, in a duel between the French and the Croatian's, it's Les Bleu's all the way and Didier Deschamps and his band of merry men to be parading up the Champs Elysees on an open top bus singing 'le football revient à la maison'.

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

That's A Lot Of Beer

In a little over 4 hours we will be a bit clearer on whether football is coming home or going to Paris or Zagreb but apart from everyone becoming an expert on the diamond formation or whether Alli should be used as defensive cover or further up the pitch, the England World Cup run economy has been a boon for business.
The British Beer and Pub Association is predicting an extra 10 million pints will be sold during the semi-final against Croatia with the knockout stage alone boosting the economy by up to £30m.
People are celebrating with drinks at home, too. Tesco is expecting to sell more than 50 million bottles and cans of beer and cider, and nearly six million bottles of wine this week along with 7.5 million burgers and sausages and an extra one million packs of barbecue meat and 70,000 disposable barbecues.
Garden centres announced that barbecue-related sales have increased by 60% while John Lewis reported a 140% rise in television sales.
You can't take a step outside the door without hearing the tune of 'Three Lions' which is expected to top the charts this week and was streamed 2.6 millions times since last Friday.
The bad side though is that since the tournament began police have recorded 1,086 football-related incidents and 70 arrests with The National Police Chiefs' Council saying the majority of incidents were alcohol related.
Asda sold 20,000 strips of St George's flag bunting last week, plus 3,000 bandanas and whistles - and other accessories such as masks, novelty hats, facepaints and foam fingers are reportedly flying off the shelves.
Gareth Southgate's fashion style has seen waistcoat sales rise 35% since the beginning of the tournament and the weekends quarter final saw 19.64 million people tuned in to watch, 87.7% of people watching TV, and it's likely tonight's semi-final will command an even larger audience.
So it's fingers, legs, eyes and whatever else you are able to cross crossed and by 10 o'clock tonight we see our lads consoling the Croats and the sound 53 million English voices singing rude songs about baguettes and onions waft across the Channel to Sunday's opponents.

The NATO Solution

Even before the NATO summit this week, failed businessman Donald Trump was routinely urging other NATO members to increase their military spending as the USA spends 4% of GDP on defence while many others fail to reach the suggested 2% mark.
'The US is paying far too much and other countries are not paying enough' said the orange monkey explaining that it is: 'disproportionate and not fair to the taxpayers of the US'.
Now i don't have Trump's business acumen, i haven't ever been declared bankrupt while he has five times, so obviously his business acumen sucks so my advice would be if he doesn't like America spending so much why doesn't he spend less instead of increasing defence spending as he did recently?
If he cut the spending down to 2% then he would have billions more to spend on cutting the $21 Trillion debt or even provide decent health insurance for his citizens.
The West, especially the US and UK, needs Russia as a rival to justify the continued existence of NATO which after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War is obsolete and why are American troops still, in Europe anyway?
As Trump isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, maybe someone should try explaining it to him using pictures, short sentences and sock-puppets if necessary until he grasps it.
We can hope that as Trump has taken a wrecking ball to everything else, he can have the same effect at NATO and the organisation will die a quick and painless death and instead of spending money on weapons to bring death to some poor nations citizens, we can all use the money saved for something helpful to mankind instead.

Keep Your Head Down Yankees

American's in Britain have been warned by the US Embassy to keep their heads down during Donald Trump's visit to the UK and to 'exercise caution in the vicinity of large gatherings'.
As my Canadian Colleague finds out regularly, to British ears American and Canadian accents pretty much sound the same so American's can just pretend they're Canadian, and everybody likes a Canadian like they did at the height of the Iraq War and the dumbass in the White House then that we were getting uppity about was George W Bush.
Canadian's don't like you doing it because there is a chance that a real Canadian will get mistaken for an American pretending to be a Canadian so my colleague has come up with a guide to not make yourself known, top being try and speak quieter, Americans apparently, are much louder and boastful than your average normal person.
Personally i think as long as you don't turn up at the protest with a picture of Trump, a cowboy hat and a Confederate flag then you won't have a close up view of how great our socialised Health Service is.
If you do find yourself surrounded by angry Brits, my advice would be to shout 'it's coming home' which will almost guarantee you safe passage to a burger place where all the other Americans will be, they will be the ones shouting as they talk to each other about how they wish they could have bought their guns with them.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Belgium Or France

As England play their World Cup semi-final against Croatia tomorrow evening, we have the luxury of watching just who may be waiting for us in the final and the topic of conversation today has been who we would rather meet, the French or the Belgians.
As it has been already pre-ordained by the football gods that the Trophy will be shoved into a luggage rack on a plane bound for Heathrow it is rather pointless but i have to cheer for someone tonight but who?
Neither have any Arsenal players so it can't be decided on that score although former Gunners favourite Thierry Henry is the assistant manager at Belgium so that's a plus in their column although that is offset by Marouane Fellaini who kicks opponents more than he does the ball. 
If they can't be separated by players than i will have to consider the nation as a whole and while France is a thriving, beautiful country the French themselves are miserable sods while the Belgian people are much more welcoming, the country itself is to be polite, not thriving.  
Going with my heart, and because they have a great National Anthem, i will plump for the French to nudge the Belgians out tonight and line up against us plucky Englanders on Sunday. 

Monday, 9 July 2018

Coming Soon: May's Government Ending In Farce

Two Government cabinet members quit and more are in the offering amidst the beautiful scenes of the Conservative Party viciously tearing itself apart over Brexit.
That it is David 'smugface' Davis and Boris 'Watermelon Smiles' Johnson who have removed themselves just makes it even more sweeter, two men who the word incompetent could have been invented for.
As an already weak Theresa May is now left clinging to power by the bits of fingernails she has left, the next week or so could see a large scale change in British politics and most importantly the self-inflicted suicide which is Brexit.
Now is the time for Jeremey Corbyn and Labour to twist the knife and finish off what has been a disastrous Conservative Government and then cancel Brexit and introduce a massive dose of Socialism to Britain because heaven knows we need it.
How appropriate that Mrs Mays premiership should end in absolute, brilliant farce and we may be treated to a repeat of the scene from the last female Premier, that tearful gaze out of the back of the taxi as she is driven away, taken down by her own party.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

The Football's Coming Home Song

As the Rev and I stood on the balcony vaping last night, in the distance we could hear the call of England football fans drunkenly singing 'Football's coming home' echoing in the streets below.
'They only seem to know that bit' i mentioned to the Rev who refused to admit that he was miffed that he had to attend to a wedding that afternoon and missed the England game but i knew he was.
As the song was from 1996 and many of the people we could see falling over and trying to leap-frog the bins were either not born or were being treated for nappy rash at the time so they wouldn't have been aware of the original Three Lions songs by the Lightning Seeds and the comedians Frank Skinner and David Baddiel.
The 'Football's Coming Home' chorus which is the only bit anyone seems to sing was a reference to the fact that when the song was released, England was hosting Euro 96 but the line has evolved to refer to England’s hopes of bringing home the World Cup trophy to the spiritual home of football, England, where it was invented.
So where it originally meant Football's coming home as England was hosting a major tournament, now it means England is bringing home the World Cup Trophy because we gave it to the World in 1863, who then had the audacity to be better than us at it until 1966 and the 50 years after that.

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Sacrificing Virgins To Win The World Cup

Such a shame that it is Sweden that England beat today, i have a lot of time for the Swedes and would have been cheering for them had it been anyone but England that they were playing in the World Cup Quarter Final today.
Oh well, Que Sera Sera as Doris Day once said and it's onward and upwards for England as we progress to the sharp end of the competition with only Croatia now standing between us and a date in the Final against the French or Belgians.
Many people, me included, decided a while ago that whichever God or Godess was responsible for deciding football matches, they were smiling on England but who should we be sacrificing animals and offering our virgins to just to make sure? 
In Greek mythology Nike is responsible for athletes but in Roman mythology it is Victoria while in Norse it is Ullr we should be offering our thanks to but before we sharpen our knives and start building pyres and looking for virgins, the Christians with their one God have their own person responsible for football, Saint Luigi Scrosoppi.
In the early 19th Century, Luigi built orphanages and used sport as a way to breed the values of fairness, perseverance, diligence and determination amongst the orphans.
As Christians are not so much into the sacrificing animals or setting fire to virgins we could just offer up some prayers that Ivan Rakitić and Luka Modrić come down with a stomach bug Wednesday morning but as all the religions are basically the same, we could hit all bases in one go by sacrificing Manchester United fans therefore meeting the criteria of offering dumb animals and virgins
to the Greek, Norse and Roman Gods and as a fan of proper football, earning the approval of St. Scrosoppi.
The English FA should start making a space in the trophy cabinet because by George, i think we've got it covered.

Applauding The Thailand Rescuers

In a world dominated by conflict, threats and utter madness, relief has come in the shape of a Thailand football team trapped in a cave.
Thankfully they have not only been found alive but an international effort has swung into effect to bring them out with amongst the Thai rescuers are Chinese, Brits, Australians and Americans which is how things should be.
In an International crisis, with no politicians involved, the brilliant rescuers just up and went to help save lives which is one of the rare times that we all just join together to help people in need regardless of nationality.
Why we can't do more of this helping each other instead of spending hundreds of billions developing weapons to kill everyone on the planet is the nonsensical thinking of humans.
Yes we come together and applaud the bravery of the rescuers risking their own lives to save 12 kids stuck in a cave in Thailand but it all seems inconsistent when far more than 12 kids are being killed hourly in wars and conflicts elsewhere where the pathetic self-serving politicians are making the decisions.

Friday, 6 July 2018

Welcome To Britain Mr Trump

In Britain we have morbidly obese people, sex pests and racists so trust the Americans to go one better and have all of the above rolled into one President and he is coming here next week to visit.
As Donald Trump is sure to be made welcome with tens of thousands lining the streets, the Government had decided the best way to stop him being left in no doubt how much of a dickhead we think he is, they are making sure that he is kept well out of the firing line from everybody.
The itinerary for the orange one and his ridiculous wife is an overnight stay at the US Ambassador's House in Regent Park and the rest of the time spent outside of London in Windsor, Buckinghamshire, Oxford and Scotland and well away from the rotten tomatoes.
Trump could therefore miss the giant inflatable orange baby figure that London Mayor Sadiq Khan has granted permission to fly over Westminster during the Presidents visit.
Despite the Government trying to keep him away from the demonstrations and giving him the impression that he may be a tad unpopular over here, mass protests are planned for each stage of the visit so wherever him and his teeny tiny hands end up, there will be people waiting to give him a Great British welcome until he leaves to go on a meeting with Russia's President, Vladimir Putin and if previous trips to Moscow are anything to go by, a bunch of prostitutes with full bladders.

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Trump The Gratest Precedent Ever

Donald Trump: 'After having written many best selling books, and somewhat priding myself on my ability to write, it should be noted that the Fake News constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake. I capitalize certain words only for emphasis, not b/c they should be capitalized!'
'somewhat priding myself on my ability to write' followed in the same tweet by 'pour over my tweets'
Yep dumbo, you are quite right to pride yourself on your ability to write,  shame you never learnt to spell though.
The thicko President once said that he has 'the best words' although as it turns out, many of those words are misspelt.
Previous tweets include his goals during a trip to Israel was to 'promote the possibility of lasting peach'  and describing the Chinese seizure of a US Navy drone as an 'unpresidented act'.
He once claimed that President Barack Obama had 'gone to tapp my phones' and said that 'No dream is too big, no challenge is to great' which means he wasn't sure whether to use 'to' or 'too' so went with both and hoped nobody would notice.
A tweet regarding a terrorist attacker in Denmark became a tweet about an 'attaker' in 'Denmakr' and another welcoming the British Prime Minister Theresa May became about 'Teresa May' who just happens to be the name of a British porn star, although to be fair we all know that Trumps enjoys the company of Porn Stars so that one may not have been an error.
He once referred to the 'Secretary of Educatuon' and Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos became the President of 'Columbia' but as his very first tweet on becoming President was that he was 'honered to serve the great American People', we shouldn't expect much else from someone who once said that his IQ was very high and then explained people would vote for him, the third fattest President ever, because 'he was so good looking'.
The guy really is too stupid to realise just how stupid he really is but we should make the most of it because pretty soon America may get a decent President and America will return to sanity again, or as close as it has ever gets to sanity anyway.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It's Not Easy Being An England Fan

Bloody hell it's hard work watching England play football, conceding a goal in the last minute of ordinary time and then winning a penalty shootout to set up a quarter final with Sweden on Saturday.
As England and penalty shootouts go together like fish and bicycles, it really does feel that whichever of the Gods who decide these things has already given England the thumbs up and is doing their bit to make sure we win the whole shebang.
So we can now do it all over again against Sweden at the weekend but we should start clearing out the spare room and set an extra place at the table because football has just texted to let us know it’s coming home.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Where Are The Consequences For Trump's Sexual Assaults?

Donald Trump has always denied sexually assaulting women or kissing them without consent even after he admitted doing just that but after a large group of women came forward to say he had done it to them, things seemed to have gone quiet.
Amongst the allegations of unwanted sexual contact are grabbing women's breasts, buttocks and genitals and putting his hands up skirts as well as forcibly kissing others on the lips and offering payment for sex to other women.
Numerous others have said that he made a habit of barging into their dressing rooms while they were naked. 
The White House have denied the allegations and said that all the women who have accused him of being a sexual predator are lying, and Trump himself suggested that the women who have come forward accusing him were not attractive enough for him to sexually assault them.
That a large number of women have come forward with very similar stories that have been confirmed by Trump out of his own mouth when he bragged he 'can do anything' to women, including 'just start kissing them' and 'grab 'em by the pussy' which should be enough for a criminal trial but somehow the consummate liar who initially denied having sex and then paying a porn star hush money is not even being investigated.
While the media attention around Harvey Weinstein has kept the film director in the headlines, it seems to have eluded the self-confessed sexual behaviour of Trump who seems to have escaped any consequences for his heinous actions.

90 Days Of Summer: Day 32

With the MET Office warning of the heatwave and 30C temperatures carrying on for the rest of this week at least, everybody is asking the same question: 'When it is legally too hot to work?'
The official answer from the Government website is that there is no law in the UK that determines a temperature when the boss tells you to pack up for the day and go get an ice-cream but the wiggle room is that 'employers must lawfully ensure that the temperature is deemed reasonable in all workplaces' which is open to interpretation.
The Health and Safety Executive says employers must take into account six basic factors when deciding whether to keep people in the workplace.
These are air temperature, radiant temperatures, air velocity, humidity, the clothing employees are expected to wear, and their expected work rate.
The Trades Union Congress (TUC) has called for a maximum workplace temperature of 30C for non-manual work and 27C for manual work, meaning you would be automatically sent home if the workplace temperature exceeded it but until then you are just going to have to make sure you take your fan with you whenever you go to the water tower because you just know that when you get back there will be an empty space where it used to be.