For millennia, five minutes to midnight on December 31st is the only time of the year that Death and Father Time's path cross, a place where the past hands over the baton to the future, and they use that time to discuss the year which has just gone before going their separate ways for the next twelve months and this year the old man was already waiting and had his 2024 sash in his hand ready to replace the battered looking 2023 one currently across his chest.
Holding up his timer to show Death just a few grains left to trickle through the top bulb he greeted him with 'You're cutting it fine'.
Death laid his scythe against the arm of the wooden bench and stretched before taking a seat next to his friend and giving him a friendly pat on the leg.
'Been busy?' asked Time and Death nodded his shrouded head and replied: 'They are humans, of course i've been busy, always am. Heaven knows what i would do if they ever actually stopped believing that inside every living person with a different view to them is a dead person with a different view waiting to get out'.
'I guess Ukraine and the Middle East has kept you busy' remarked Time who tried his best to keep up with the affairs of man as he made sure the calendar proceeded as it was meant to each day.
'Yep, went quiet for a while there and then whammo. Tell you what, say what you want about the Israeli's but they do tend to kill entire families in their house in one go which makes me job easier, much simpler to usher them all into the afterlife as a large group if they are all in one room'.
'I suppose it is, not much fun for the family though' said Time and Death shrugged and said that it wasn't his problem, 'I just show them the way to whichever afterlife they were expecting to be destined for'.
'Ah, the human life span is so short' uttered Time shaking his head. He had been doing the same job of chasing away the old year and making sure the new year began for eons, 'Yep' agreed Death, 'and some are shorter than others which reminds me, i got that bloke from that show you liked this year, Chandler was it?
'Matthew Perry' said Time, 'Did he not like that' smiled Time whose impression was lost on Death who just said 'doubt it, they never do much although that Pee Wee Herman chap was bouncing around like a lunatic asking if there was a cinema where he was going. Don't know what that was about'.
Time looked at his timer and saw it was a minute to midnight and stood up, removed his 2023 sash and pulled the 2024 one over his head and flattened it against his chest.
'Does 2024 look any better than 2023 for them down there' asked Time watching Death flip the page of his notebook to a new page.
'Hmmm...not for him' said Death, '...or her, or any of them them' he said holding up his book.
'If he knew he was going to die so soon, he would probably have led a better life' said Time pointing to a name written in bold type under June 24.
'If he knew how he was going to die he probably wouldn't have lived at all' said Death adding 'i fully expect his last words to be Arrgghhh....'
Time laughed and stood up saying 'Oh well, it's almost midnight so same time next year old friend' and waved farewell as he stepped through the archway and officially launched what the humans called 2024 but to him was the year 4.543 billion.
Death stood alone for a few minutes, it was sometimes good to give the humans a few minutes to whirl through their tiny crowded lives, filling their days with the sheer effort of living and proving that there is nothing really damn stupid that humans won’t do, luckily for him.
Picking up his scythe, he checked his notes and set off for his first appointment whistling 'Only The Good Die Young'.
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Sunday, 31 December 2023
2023 Father Time & The Grim Reaper
Saturday, 31 December 2022
2022 Father Time & The Grim Reaper
Old Father Time walked up the pathway to the bench, the 2022 sash in his hand ready to be replaced by the one for 2023. Already seated there was the Grim Reaper and Time noticed that he had been there a while looking at the amount of cigarette butts littered around him.
'You're late' said Death as he moved his scythe to allow the old man to sit down.
'You're early' replied Time and Death shrugged 'Not so busy this year, the pandemic seems to have slowed down and not so many wars, at one point last year i thought i was going to have to take on an apprentice'.
'Less wars is a good thing i guess' said Time before adding 'not for you obviously'.
'It's a strange one as i can normally rely on America and the UK to invade somewhere but they have both been a big disappointment this year, one has a leader who is never awake long enough to pick a fight with anyone and the other one kept changing leaders'.
'That Russian guy helped keep the numbers up i guess' said Time folding his tattered, old sash and picking up the the reapers 2022 Book of Death and flicking through it casually.
'Big name this year was that British Queen' said death cheering up, 'there was also Mikhail Gorbachev, Shane Warne, Ray Liotta, Sidney Poiter, Kirstie Alley and Irene Cara, Taylor Hawkins, Meat Loaf, Jerry Lee Lewis, Terry Hall so we could have a pretty good band if we wanted'.
Time nodded and sighed at the name Olivia Newton-John.
'Ah, lovely lady, i did put her off a few times but the Big Guy said i couldn't do it again' he shrugged. 'So what's new with you?'
'Mother Nature has really stamped her foot down this year' replied Time pulling the 2023 sash over his head and flattening it down against his thin chest, 'Floods, record heat temperatures, snowstorms, she really is going all out to make these humans pay for polluting her Planet'.
'It's the idiots own fault' laughed Death looking at his pocket-watch, 'a woman scorned and all that'.
'They have had enough warnings' agreed Time pushing himself up off the seat, 'Are you ready?'
'I suppose' replied Death picking up his scythe and pulling a cloth from his pocket and giving the edge a quick wipe, 'no rest for the wicked and 2023 is going to be busy, Mother Nature will make sure of that' Death said tucking his Death Book into his shroud before adding' And don't ask, no spoilers'
'Do you think things will ever change?' asked Time.
'Nah, always going to be wars and always going to be those religious types killing each other because they think their God is more loving and peaceful than the other' which made Time chuckle 'very true'.
'Same time next year then' said Time as he waved a hand and shuffled left through the door marked 2023.
Death watched him go and then walked in the opposite direction whistling the tune of (I Just) Died in Your Arms.
Friday, 31 December 2021
2021 Father Time & The Grim Reaper
Old Father Time leant his scythe against the bench and wearily sat down and was removing his 2021 sash when the Grim Reaper walked up the pathway to join him.
'Hiya Time' he said cheerily as he sat down beside him, 'So how was 2021 for you?' he asked digging into the pocket of his cloak and taking out a battered packet of cigarettes.
'Usual stuff with the sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time, 'How was your year? Reap anyone interesting?
Death lit a cigarette and blew out a plume of grey smoke before saying: 'Let's see, there was the usual hundred of thousands of war related deaths but celebrity wise, i got Una Stubbs, Sean Lock, Charlie Watts, Sarah Harding, Jimmy Greaves, George Segal, Lionel Blair, Nikki Grahame, Janice Long, Desmond Tutu, Prince Philip, Michael Nesmith, Dustin Diamond and Boycie from Fools and Horses'.
'Prince Philip?'
'Yep, he was pencilled in for the last few years but i kept forgetting him'
'Oh well, keeping you busy then'
'We got Covid-19 and nutters like that Brazilian loon and Boris Johnson so i'm not worried about running out of work anytime soon, so many Brits in one place though, you should hear the whinging' chuckled Death, 'So what's been going on in 2021?'
'You will be glad to hear that America still haven't done anything about their mad gun laws'.
'Good old America, if they are not blowing up somewhere else they are shooting each other, would warm my heart if i had one' said Death 'although i am worried about Putin and Biden having meetings, no WW3 for me now i'm thinking'.
'Indeed' nodded Father Time wistfully.
'Although Biden and the West have been a bit of a let down on the war front this year' said the Reaper, 'Afghanistan has stepped up to the plate, with the Taliban back i can always rely on a steady stream of dead Afghans and there is always my supply of Palestinians courtesy of Israel'.
'The World have been obsessed with Coronovirus' said Time 'although there was that ship that got stuck in the Suez Canal and America decided they had enough of overthrowing other Governments and had a go at overthrowing their own'.
'Nice, shame about that fat orange guy losing over there, i had high hopes for him' nodded Death stubbing out his cigarette on the arm of the bench 'so how's 2022 shaping up? Global Warming still going ahead unheeded i notice, lucky me'
'Usual stuff i expect with even more sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time reaching over to pick up the shiny, new 2022 sash and pulling it over his head.
'How's next year looking for you' he asked Death who smiled and opened his notepad and held it up to Time to read.
He glanced down the full list of names of the soon to be reaped and opened his eyes wide when he got to July.
'Really? he asked 'That many in one month?'
'Yep, busy, busy, busy, oh well, no rest for the wicked, same time next year pal' and picking up his scythe, walked away whistling the tune of Don't Fear The Reaper.
Psychic Predictions For 2022
As i sit here, 2021 is fading and 2022 is closing in fast and it is only natural to ponder what will the new year bring. Well, we can stop pondering because Moses may have had to go to Mount Sinai to hear spirit voices and Muhammad travelled to Mount Hira but in the case of psychic Nicolas Aujula, he is so good (in previous lives he was an Egyptian queen, a lion and lived in another galaxy) that the spirits come to his front room and as he charges £350 to £1950 for his services, he must be good so he has given us a peek at what the powers that be have been whispering into his ear of what will unfold in 2022.
Another global health issue – this time swine flu.
Terror attack in Paris
Public figure assassinated in the US.
Boris Johnson still British PM at the end of the year
Poland to leave the EU,
A shocking scandal around testing on gerbils.
Japan and South Korea will be rocked by Richter 8 earthquake.
There will be a mass recall of chicken soup.
A major oil spill on the motorway in the UK will cause multiple fatalities.
Someone called Jackie will become a Global Superstar
An asteroid that is heading for earth is diverted by the military firing a missile at it
I have taken out the vague ones and just left the ones we can check so there we go then, ease up on the Chicken Soup, don't move into a high rise apartment in Japan and if you are called Jackie then start writing out your resignation letter.
Tuesday, 1 January 2019
Life Hacks For The Year Ahead
When it comes to life events like applying for a job, buying a car or getting married, certain months are more advantageous than others. Want to ‘hack your year’? Here’s how to organise your calendar in a smarter, better way.
January is the best month to apply for a job as Google searches for 'jobs' peak in January but few of these Google-searchers actually to apply for jobs compared to other months. Also companies usually get their new hiring budgets for the year in January.
February is the best month to buy car insurance as CompareTheMarket advise that we are coming out of wintery conditions which decreases the chance of accidents which means cheaper premiums.
March is the best month to get married as you’re likely to reduce your expenses by getting married in an off-season month like March and late March weather is usually quite nice.
April is the best month try for a baby as both sperm health and quantity peak in spring with research shows the highest numbers of moving sperm in springtime and the lowest in the summer, while a Swiss study found that sperm concentration was also highest in the spring and lowest in summer.
May is the best month to make a life decision as we are out of the winter months which
can make many of us feel a bit lower, indecisive and more risk-averse. That means it is better to consider doing things with potentially serious consequences in late spring.
June is the best month to go to hospital as July onwards brings an influx of new medical graduates and the combination of newbie inexperience with fewer doctors familiar with their role leading to an increase in medical errors. Hospital admissions for many diseases peak in winter meaning hospitals are typically at very high occupancy levels throughout the winter and fewer beds available.
July is the best month to sit an exam as studies suggests that our ability to pay attention peaks in mid-summer due to the brain region that responds to changing day length, the suprachiasmatic nucleus, is the same one that controls the master circadian clock that regulates daily cycles in hormones, appetite, attention and mood.
August is the best month to buy a house as this is the month that most people decide to sell their house which offers the largest number of options to the buyer.
September is the best month to be born as researchers have found that September babies achieve better exam results, have better cognitive skills, are less likely to be bullied and more likely to attend university than even children born just slightly earlier in August.
October is the best month to buy stocks as stocks show weaker performance from May to October meaning they are cheaper to buy in October just before they perform stronger in the winter, from November to April, when their value increases again.
November is the best month to apply for a passport as passport applications are at a low in November, making it the best time to apply before applications jump in January, building to a summer rush as people scramble to get their passports renewed in time for their holidays abroad.
December is the best month to buy a car as car dealers typically have annual sales targets and are more motivated to offer good reductions to shift stock as the year end approaches.
January is the best month to apply for a job as Google searches for 'jobs' peak in January but few of these Google-searchers actually to apply for jobs compared to other months. Also companies usually get their new hiring budgets for the year in January.
February is the best month to buy car insurance as CompareTheMarket advise that we are coming out of wintery conditions which decreases the chance of accidents which means cheaper premiums.
March is the best month to get married as you’re likely to reduce your expenses by getting married in an off-season month like March and late March weather is usually quite nice.
April is the best month try for a baby as both sperm health and quantity peak in spring with research shows the highest numbers of moving sperm in springtime and the lowest in the summer, while a Swiss study found that sperm concentration was also highest in the spring and lowest in summer.
May is the best month to make a life decision as we are out of the winter months which
can make many of us feel a bit lower, indecisive and more risk-averse. That means it is better to consider doing things with potentially serious consequences in late spring.
June is the best month to go to hospital as July onwards brings an influx of new medical graduates and the combination of newbie inexperience with fewer doctors familiar with their role leading to an increase in medical errors. Hospital admissions for many diseases peak in winter meaning hospitals are typically at very high occupancy levels throughout the winter and fewer beds available.
July is the best month to sit an exam as studies suggests that our ability to pay attention peaks in mid-summer due to the brain region that responds to changing day length, the suprachiasmatic nucleus, is the same one that controls the master circadian clock that regulates daily cycles in hormones, appetite, attention and mood.
August is the best month to buy a house as this is the month that most people decide to sell their house which offers the largest number of options to the buyer.
September is the best month to be born as researchers have found that September babies achieve better exam results, have better cognitive skills, are less likely to be bullied and more likely to attend university than even children born just slightly earlier in August.
October is the best month to buy stocks as stocks show weaker performance from May to October meaning they are cheaper to buy in October just before they perform stronger in the winter, from November to April, when their value increases again.
November is the best month to apply for a passport as passport applications are at a low in November, making it the best time to apply before applications jump in January, building to a summer rush as people scramble to get their passports renewed in time for their holidays abroad.
December is the best month to buy a car as car dealers typically have annual sales targets and are more motivated to offer good reductions to shift stock as the year end approaches.
Monday, 31 December 2018
2018 Father Time & The Grim Reaper
Old Father Time leant his scythe against the bench and sat down wearily and as he was removing his 2018 sash the Grim Reaper walked up the pathway to join him.
'Hiya Time' he said cheerily as he sat down beside him, 'So how was 2018 for you?' he asked digging into the pocket of his cloak and taking out a cigarette.
'Usual stuff with the sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time, 'How was your year? Reap anyone interesting?
Death lit the cigarette and blew out a plume of grey smoke before saying: 'Let's see, there was usual the hundred of thousands of war related deaths but celebrity wise, i got Burt Reynolds, Aretha Franklin, the dad out of Frasier, Stephen Hawking, Dale Winton, Eric Bristow, Leslie Grantham, Peter Stringfellow, Barry Chuckle, Pete Shelly and George Bush'.
'George Bush?'
'Yep, not the retarded cowboy one, his father'
'Oh, that one'
'They have Donald Trump though so i'm not worried about running out of work anytime soon' chuckled Death 'so what was going on in 2018?'
'You will be glad to hear that after the school shooting in Florida, America decided to bravely do nothing about it'.
'Good old America, if they are not blowing up somewhere else they are shooting each other, would warm my heart if i had one' said Death 'although i did get worried when Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un met up, no WW3 for me now i thought'.
'Indeed' nodded Father Time wistfully.
'Although Trump and the UK has been a bit of a let down on the war front this year' said the Reaper, 'Saudi Arabia have really stepped up to the plate and are not only carpet bombing Yemen civilians but they killed that journalist in Turkey and i can always rely on a steady stream of dead Palestinians courtesy of Israel'.
'The UK have been obsessed with Brexit' said Time 'although there was a Royal Baby whose name nobody can remember and the ginger one married an American celebrity/actress/divorcee'
'Nice' nodded Death stubbing out his cigarette on the arm of the bench 'so how's 2019 shaping up? Global Warming still going ahead unheeded i notice, lucky me'
'Usual stuff i expect with even more sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time reaching over to pick up the shiny, new 2019 sash and pulling it over his head.
'How's next year looking for you' he asked Death who smiled and opened his notepad and held it up to Time to read.
He glanced down the full list of names of the soon to be reaped and opened his eyes wide when he got to August.
'Really? he asked 'That many in one month?'
'Yep, busy, busy, busy, oh well, no rest for the wicked, same time next year pal' and picking up his scythe, he walked away whistling the tune of Knocking On Heavens Door.
'Hiya Time' he said cheerily as he sat down beside him, 'So how was 2018 for you?' he asked digging into the pocket of his cloak and taking out a cigarette.
'Usual stuff with the sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time, 'How was your year? Reap anyone interesting?
Death lit the cigarette and blew out a plume of grey smoke before saying: 'Let's see, there was usual the hundred of thousands of war related deaths but celebrity wise, i got Burt Reynolds, Aretha Franklin, the dad out of Frasier, Stephen Hawking, Dale Winton, Eric Bristow, Leslie Grantham, Peter Stringfellow, Barry Chuckle, Pete Shelly and George Bush'.
'George Bush?'
'Yep, not the retarded cowboy one, his father'
'Oh, that one'
'They have Donald Trump though so i'm not worried about running out of work anytime soon' chuckled Death 'so what was going on in 2018?'
'You will be glad to hear that after the school shooting in Florida, America decided to bravely do nothing about it'.
'Good old America, if they are not blowing up somewhere else they are shooting each other, would warm my heart if i had one' said Death 'although i did get worried when Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un met up, no WW3 for me now i thought'.
'Indeed' nodded Father Time wistfully.
'Although Trump and the UK has been a bit of a let down on the war front this year' said the Reaper, 'Saudi Arabia have really stepped up to the plate and are not only carpet bombing Yemen civilians but they killed that journalist in Turkey and i can always rely on a steady stream of dead Palestinians courtesy of Israel'.
'The UK have been obsessed with Brexit' said Time 'although there was a Royal Baby whose name nobody can remember and the ginger one married an American celebrity/actress/divorcee'
'Nice' nodded Death stubbing out his cigarette on the arm of the bench 'so how's 2019 shaping up? Global Warming still going ahead unheeded i notice, lucky me'
'Usual stuff i expect with even more sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time reaching over to pick up the shiny, new 2019 sash and pulling it over his head.
'How's next year looking for you' he asked Death who smiled and opened his notepad and held it up to Time to read.
He glanced down the full list of names of the soon to be reaped and opened his eyes wide when he got to August.
'Really? he asked 'That many in one month?'
'Yep, busy, busy, busy, oh well, no rest for the wicked, same time next year pal' and picking up his scythe, he walked away whistling the tune of Knocking On Heavens Door.
Monday, 1 January 2018
What Will Happen In 2018
Here we go again with the calendar showing the start of the 2018th trip for the Earth around the Sun but although this year will be worse than last year, it will be better than next year and although i may not have the psychic ability of Psychic Nikki, we can have a good guess at what will happen.
Hurricanes - The US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration give a 60%-80% chance that 2018 will be another La Nina year in the Atlantic which means a repeat of the devastating hurricanes which destroyed so much of the Caribbean driven by climate change and warmer sea temperatures.
Putin - The 2018 Russian election this coming March, congratulations to Vladimir Putin.
Earthquakes - Since the turn of the century there have been 21 Great earthquakes and 227 Major quakes. The odds are that there will be at least one Major Earthquake (above 7 on the Richter scale) in Japan, Nepal, Mexico, Turkey and Iran causing serious damage and loss of life and one Great Earthquake above 8 on the Richter scale causing devastation and major loss of life.
Mass Shootings - CNN shows of the deadliest mass shootings in modern US history, the top five have come in the past 10 years (Las Vegas 58, Orlando 49, Blacksburg 32, Newtown 27 and Sutherland Springs 26). By the end of 2018, Sutherland Springs will no longer be included in the top 5 as more than 26 will be killed in one gun violence incident in the USA in the next 12 months.
Donald Trump - With the Russian investigation growing ever closer to Donald Trump, the odds at Paddy Power are 4/7 that he will face impeachment proceedings before the end of 2018. For impeachment to happen would take a fair chunk of Republicans to side with the Democrats, it's unlikely to happen as per the two previous times it was attempted. Bookies refuse to offer odds on Trump being assassinated but Betfair nudges punters towards a blanket offer of Trump 'exiting the White House in 2018' at Evens.
Theresa May - She has had what the Queen once referred to as an 'annus horriblis', whatever she touched turned to stuff you really don't want to touch but still she clings on, mostly because nobody wants their fingerprints on the train wreck which is Brexit. As it is pencilled in for March 2019, and as nobody is set to move against her until after that date, Mrs May will not be unseated in 2018 and will continue to lurch through the next 12 months as Prime Minister, shedding ministers who will be stepping sharply away from her as she goes.
Labour - As the details of Brexit continue to leak out and the dogs dinner we are heading towards becomes apparent, the Labour Party will will switch it's party’s stance to Remain, immediately capturing the 48% of remainers and the sizable percentage of Brexiters who have wisened up to their stance and what it means for the UK resulting in a sizable Labour lead in the polls.
Brexit - As the UK and EU negotiations go on it will become apparent that the choices are between no deal and off the edge of the cliff we go with all the responding devastating hits to the UK economy or what we have now with a deal where we pay to stay in the Single Market and Customs Union but without a seat at the rules making table, the clamour Brexit will subside as it finally hits home what
Brexit means and it not be officially cancelled but the March 2019 exit date will slide before being kicked into the long grass.
Royal Wedding - The marriage of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is set for 19 May 2018, the same day as thew FA cup Final. Arsenal have been in the 3 of the last 4 Finals and i expect them to be there again causing a dilemma of whether to go to Wembley to watch them win a 14th FA Cup trophy or watch Harry get married. If Arsenal somehow don't make it then i have the dilemma of watching the Royal Wedding on TV or glossing the skirting boards and watching the paint dry.
Hurricanes - The US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration give a 60%-80% chance that 2018 will be another La Nina year in the Atlantic which means a repeat of the devastating hurricanes which destroyed so much of the Caribbean driven by climate change and warmer sea temperatures.
Putin - The 2018 Russian election this coming March, congratulations to Vladimir Putin.
Earthquakes - Since the turn of the century there have been 21 Great earthquakes and 227 Major quakes. The odds are that there will be at least one Major Earthquake (above 7 on the Richter scale) in Japan, Nepal, Mexico, Turkey and Iran causing serious damage and loss of life and one Great Earthquake above 8 on the Richter scale causing devastation and major loss of life.
Mass Shootings - CNN shows of the deadliest mass shootings in modern US history, the top five have come in the past 10 years (Las Vegas 58, Orlando 49, Blacksburg 32, Newtown 27 and Sutherland Springs 26). By the end of 2018, Sutherland Springs will no longer be included in the top 5 as more than 26 will be killed in one gun violence incident in the USA in the next 12 months.
Donald Trump - With the Russian investigation growing ever closer to Donald Trump, the odds at Paddy Power are 4/7 that he will face impeachment proceedings before the end of 2018. For impeachment to happen would take a fair chunk of Republicans to side with the Democrats, it's unlikely to happen as per the two previous times it was attempted. Bookies refuse to offer odds on Trump being assassinated but Betfair nudges punters towards a blanket offer of Trump 'exiting the White House in 2018' at Evens.
Theresa May - She has had what the Queen once referred to as an 'annus horriblis', whatever she touched turned to stuff you really don't want to touch but still she clings on, mostly because nobody wants their fingerprints on the train wreck which is Brexit. As it is pencilled in for March 2019, and as nobody is set to move against her until after that date, Mrs May will not be unseated in 2018 and will continue to lurch through the next 12 months as Prime Minister, shedding ministers who will be stepping sharply away from her as she goes.
Labour - As the details of Brexit continue to leak out and the dogs dinner we are heading towards becomes apparent, the Labour Party will will switch it's party’s stance to Remain, immediately capturing the 48% of remainers and the sizable percentage of Brexiters who have wisened up to their stance and what it means for the UK resulting in a sizable Labour lead in the polls.
Brexit - As the UK and EU negotiations go on it will become apparent that the choices are between no deal and off the edge of the cliff we go with all the responding devastating hits to the UK economy or what we have now with a deal where we pay to stay in the Single Market and Customs Union but without a seat at the rules making table, the clamour Brexit will subside as it finally hits home what
Brexit means and it not be officially cancelled but the March 2019 exit date will slide before being kicked into the long grass.
Royal Wedding - The marriage of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is set for 19 May 2018, the same day as thew FA cup Final. Arsenal have been in the 3 of the last 4 Finals and i expect them to be there again causing a dilemma of whether to go to Wembley to watch them win a 14th FA Cup trophy or watch Harry get married. If Arsenal somehow don't make it then i have the dilemma of watching the Royal Wedding on TV or glossing the skirting boards and watching the paint dry.
Wednesday, 27 December 2017
2018 Same As 2017
We could go through the pretence of trying to work out who has been the biggest bell-end of the year but we all know Donald Trump is going to win it on almost everybodies list, i have already seen or read him receive three 'dick of the years' so seems a bit pointless really.
In truth, the tiny handed, orange faced sex pest is deserving of every brick-bat that falls on his strangely coiffured head but i would say the American's that still support him even after all his dick-headery are just as bad if not worse, he seems unable to help himself being the World's biggest tosser, they see him doing it and still cheer him so the lot of them are bell-ends.
If we remove one fat serial molester of women from the contest then we still have another in the shape of Harvey Weinstein who faces over 50 sexual harassment, assault and rape allegations against him.
In the UK the list of Conservative politician losers is a long one from Theresa May and her lurching from one disaster to another to Boris Johnson who hasn't lost that knack of everything he touches turning to shit and the sticky keyboard of Damian Green and his sacking following lying about the stash of porn found on his work computer.
Kim Jung Un was, is still, and will always be a knob as will Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu and the Saudi's who are not content with killing innocent Yemen civilians, now want to do the same thing in Iran also.
In all 2017 has been the year of the dickhead and we do seem to have more than our fair share of idiot leaders at the moment with idiot policies and making idiot decisions and it is disheartening to consider that most of them will still be in place through next year so 2018 should be just as deplorable as 2017 has been.
In truth, the tiny handed, orange faced sex pest is deserving of every brick-bat that falls on his strangely coiffured head but i would say the American's that still support him even after all his dick-headery are just as bad if not worse, he seems unable to help himself being the World's biggest tosser, they see him doing it and still cheer him so the lot of them are bell-ends.
If we remove one fat serial molester of women from the contest then we still have another in the shape of Harvey Weinstein who faces over 50 sexual harassment, assault and rape allegations against him.
In the UK the list of Conservative politician losers is a long one from Theresa May and her lurching from one disaster to another to Boris Johnson who hasn't lost that knack of everything he touches turning to shit and the sticky keyboard of Damian Green and his sacking following lying about the stash of porn found on his work computer.
Kim Jung Un was, is still, and will always be a knob as will Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu and the Saudi's who are not content with killing innocent Yemen civilians, now want to do the same thing in Iran also.
In all 2017 has been the year of the dickhead and we do seem to have more than our fair share of idiot leaders at the moment with idiot policies and making idiot decisions and it is disheartening to consider that most of them will still be in place through next year so 2018 should be just as deplorable as 2017 has been.
Friday, 27 January 2017
新年快乐, Xīnnián Kuàilè and Happy New Year
It's new years eve in China or everyone's new favourite Superpower as it has recently become known so anyone born between tomorrow and January 2018 will be a Rooster along with anyone born in 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993 and 2005.
I was born in 1969 so am therefore a Rooster along with Dawn French, Donny Osmond, Martin Luther King, Stephen Fry, Dolph Lundgren, Bob Marley, Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears but all of us had better watch our step in 2017 as according to Chinese astrology, the year of ones birth sign is the most unlucky year in the 12-year cycle.
Roosters are believed to be observant, hardworking, resourceful, courageous, talented but can be a bit arrogant but to make it a bit more in depth, what type of Rooster you are depends on your birth year so the 1969 Rooster an Earth Rooster and is also lovely, generous, trustworthy, and popular while the 1981 Gold Rooster is determined, brave, perseverant, and hardworking.
The 1993 born Water Rooster is smart, quick-witted, tenderhearted, and compassionate, the Wood Rooster born in 2005 is energetic, overconfident, tender, and unstable.
The yet to be born Fire Roosters of 2017 will be trustworthy, with a strong sense of timekeeping and responsibility.
As 2017 is bad luck for us Roosters we should be clinging to things which are lucky for us which include numbers 5, 7 and 8 along with the colours gold, brown, and yellow and especially spend the next 12 months avoiding the colour red and the numbers 1,3 and 9.
Some things that you should not do tomorrow on Chinese New Years Day is eat porridge (brings poverty), no sewing or knitting (depletes wealth) don't wash clothes (washed away good luck), no crying (brings bad luck), don't use scissors or knives (cuts wealth), don't borrow or lend money (leads to debt), don't wear plain black or white clothes (unlucky), eat pears (leaving soon) or give anybody four of anything (brings death) and don't visit a hospital (brings illness).
So 新年快乐, Xīnnián Kuàilè or Happy New Year and spare a thought for pears and knife salesmen and laundrette staff.
I was born in 1969 so am therefore a Rooster along with Dawn French, Donny Osmond, Martin Luther King, Stephen Fry, Dolph Lundgren, Bob Marley, Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears but all of us had better watch our step in 2017 as according to Chinese astrology, the year of ones birth sign is the most unlucky year in the 12-year cycle.
Roosters are believed to be observant, hardworking, resourceful, courageous, talented but can be a bit arrogant but to make it a bit more in depth, what type of Rooster you are depends on your birth year so the 1969 Rooster an Earth Rooster and is also lovely, generous, trustworthy, and popular while the 1981 Gold Rooster is determined, brave, perseverant, and hardworking.
The 1993 born Water Rooster is smart, quick-witted, tenderhearted, and compassionate, the Wood Rooster born in 2005 is energetic, overconfident, tender, and unstable.
The yet to be born Fire Roosters of 2017 will be trustworthy, with a strong sense of timekeeping and responsibility.
As 2017 is bad luck for us Roosters we should be clinging to things which are lucky for us which include numbers 5, 7 and 8 along with the colours gold, brown, and yellow and especially spend the next 12 months avoiding the colour red and the numbers 1,3 and 9.
Some things that you should not do tomorrow on Chinese New Years Day is eat porridge (brings poverty), no sewing or knitting (depletes wealth) don't wash clothes (washed away good luck), no crying (brings bad luck), don't use scissors or knives (cuts wealth), don't borrow or lend money (leads to debt), don't wear plain black or white clothes (unlucky), eat pears (leaving soon) or give anybody four of anything (brings death) and don't visit a hospital (brings illness).
So 新年快乐, Xīnnián Kuàilè or Happy New Year and spare a thought for pears and knife salesmen and laundrette staff.
Friday, 30 December 2016
Gonna Need A New Calendar
As if this year hasn't been bad enough, scientists are making us wait even longer to see the back of it as they adjust the clocks to compensate for a slowdown in the Earth's rotation.
Waving goodbye and good riddance to 2016 will be delayed by a second as clocks will change from 23:59:59 to 23:59:60 instead of 00:00:00 as they slip in the extra second.
The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service in Paris decide when leap seconds are needed and this is the 27th time a leap second has been introduced since 1972.
My question would be if the Earth's rotation is so erratic that we have to keep slipping in seconds here and there, and we have had to add almost half a minute over the last 44 years, what about the 4.5 billion years if every 100 years we are out of sync approximately by a minute?
That's about 10 mins every 1000 years, 100 mins every 10,000 years 1000 mins every 100,000 years 10,000 mins every 1,000,000 years...and then my maths fail me but a million years throws us out by 694 days.
If a British billion is a million million then 1 billion x 694 days means up until 1972 we had lost 69,400,000,000,000 days every billion years so over 4.5 billion years that's...whatever, the bottom line is the Earth is more than 4.5 billion years old if you add on the minute every year for 4.5 billion years that have been missed up until 1972.
If this is the case then all the timings we have for the big bang, creation of the stars and planets, the Earth forming, how long the dinosaurs ruled the earth etc are out of whack.
I have emailed the National Physical Laboratory and the International Earth Rotation and Reference Service so will see what comes back from them but until then the calendar makers should be told to hold fire because saying next year is 2017 could be very, very wrong.
Waving goodbye and good riddance to 2016 will be delayed by a second as clocks will change from 23:59:59 to 23:59:60 instead of 00:00:00 as they slip in the extra second.
The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service in Paris decide when leap seconds are needed and this is the 27th time a leap second has been introduced since 1972.
My question would be if the Earth's rotation is so erratic that we have to keep slipping in seconds here and there, and we have had to add almost half a minute over the last 44 years, what about the 4.5 billion years if every 100 years we are out of sync approximately by a minute?
That's about 10 mins every 1000 years, 100 mins every 10,000 years 1000 mins every 100,000 years 10,000 mins every 1,000,000 years...and then my maths fail me but a million years throws us out by 694 days.
If a British billion is a million million then 1 billion x 694 days means up until 1972 we had lost 69,400,000,000,000 days every billion years so over 4.5 billion years that's...whatever, the bottom line is the Earth is more than 4.5 billion years old if you add on the minute every year for 4.5 billion years that have been missed up until 1972.
If this is the case then all the timings we have for the big bang, creation of the stars and planets, the Earth forming, how long the dinosaurs ruled the earth etc are out of whack.
I have emailed the National Physical Laboratory and the International Earth Rotation and Reference Service so will see what comes back from them but until then the calendar makers should be told to hold fire because saying next year is 2017 could be very, very wrong.
Wednesday, 28 December 2016
2017 Has To be An Improvement
Things can only get better so goes the 1994 D:ream song but for an optimist, i am feeling pretty pessimistic about 2017.
I have never bought the claim made by some that the media accentuates the virtually non-existent danger from terrorists, violent crime, war, disease and natural disasters by reporting all the bad news and ignoring all the good.
The media is just a mirror that reflects on things that happen, it is wrong to blame the mirror for what it is showing. If there was an audience for just good news then someone would be selling it so there is a reason that there isn't.
What the mirror has shown is that 2016 has not been a good year by any stretch of the imagination and it is hard to see how simply by changing the calendar to 2017 will help the millions struggling on Zero Hours Contracts or the disabled who have had their benefits slashed or cut the growing queues at the food banks or help the mentally ill and sick who cannot get the treatment they need because of huge austerity cuts to the NHS. We haven't even begun the Brexit disentanglement yet with the negative dividends all that brings.
Globally the world's most powerful nation has just elected a childlike, vain, irrational and dim blowhard as it's president and Climate Change will continue to ramp up the self-inflicted horrors as the globe continues to warm while the conflicts in Syria, Yemen, Iraq and Palestine will not be ending anytime soon as nor will the ISIS and Al Queada branches of terrorism.
All in all 2016 has been an awful year and it will take some beating so being an optimist we could say that 2017 HAS to be an improvement on this year but the bar has been set so low that it will be like getting hit by a truck rather than a train.
I have never bought the claim made by some that the media accentuates the virtually non-existent danger from terrorists, violent crime, war, disease and natural disasters by reporting all the bad news and ignoring all the good.
The media is just a mirror that reflects on things that happen, it is wrong to blame the mirror for what it is showing. If there was an audience for just good news then someone would be selling it so there is a reason that there isn't.
What the mirror has shown is that 2016 has not been a good year by any stretch of the imagination and it is hard to see how simply by changing the calendar to 2017 will help the millions struggling on Zero Hours Contracts or the disabled who have had their benefits slashed or cut the growing queues at the food banks or help the mentally ill and sick who cannot get the treatment they need because of huge austerity cuts to the NHS. We haven't even begun the Brexit disentanglement yet with the negative dividends all that brings.
Globally the world's most powerful nation has just elected a childlike, vain, irrational and dim blowhard as it's president and Climate Change will continue to ramp up the self-inflicted horrors as the globe continues to warm while the conflicts in Syria, Yemen, Iraq and Palestine will not be ending anytime soon as nor will the ISIS and Al Queada branches of terrorism.
All in all 2016 has been an awful year and it will take some beating so being an optimist we could say that 2017 HAS to be an improvement on this year but the bar has been set so low that it will be like getting hit by a truck rather than a train.
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Keeping Your New Year Resolutions
New Year Resolutions are a bit hit and miss, set the bar too high (stopping smoking or biting your nails) and it's failure on the morning of 1st January and setting it too low (not eating chocolate between 11pm and midnight at the weekend) feels like you are not really entering into the spirit of things.
Luckily i have a great way of making you stick to your resolutions by using a punishment worse than whatever evil you are considering giving up.
Everybody has a thing they hate, a football team, a political party or even a cause and this is my suggestion for keeping, or at the very least making it harder, to break that resolution.
You write down your resolution, stopping smoking for example, and you put it in an envelope with a cheque for £50 (amount depending on how confident you are) made out to the absolute last cause you would give money to be it the Countryside Alliance if you are an anti-hunt supporter, the Labour Party if you are a dyed in the wool Tory or even the Tottenham Supporters Club if you are an Arsenal fan.
The envelope goes to a friend with the express demand that if you break the resolution, they post the cheque to whoever you made it out to.
If by a certain date, July 2nd for example which is the middle day of the year, you have stuck to your resolution then you get the envelope back and get to rip up the cheque and defy the hated organisation or football team the payment.
It is amazing how much the threat of helping out someone or something you hate with your hard earned cash keeps your focus.
Personally i have resolved to not play any Phil Collins songs on the CD Player. It was only later it was pointed out that i don't own a single Phil Collins song but by then the envelope with the cheque made out to the Catholic Church had been handed over, oh well, sorry Pope.
Luckily i have a great way of making you stick to your resolutions by using a punishment worse than whatever evil you are considering giving up.
Everybody has a thing they hate, a football team, a political party or even a cause and this is my suggestion for keeping, or at the very least making it harder, to break that resolution.
You write down your resolution, stopping smoking for example, and you put it in an envelope with a cheque for £50 (amount depending on how confident you are) made out to the absolute last cause you would give money to be it the Countryside Alliance if you are an anti-hunt supporter, the Labour Party if you are a dyed in the wool Tory or even the Tottenham Supporters Club if you are an Arsenal fan.
The envelope goes to a friend with the express demand that if you break the resolution, they post the cheque to whoever you made it out to.
If by a certain date, July 2nd for example which is the middle day of the year, you have stuck to your resolution then you get the envelope back and get to rip up the cheque and defy the hated organisation or football team the payment.
It is amazing how much the threat of helping out someone or something you hate with your hard earned cash keeps your focus.
Personally i have resolved to not play any Phil Collins songs on the CD Player. It was only later it was pointed out that i don't own a single Phil Collins song but by then the envelope with the cheque made out to the Catholic Church had been handed over, oh well, sorry Pope.
Tuesday, 30 December 2014
New Years Around The World
I have often wondered where in the World you could stand on December 31st, do the Auld Lang Syne bit and then step across a border and do it all again an hour later so you can celebrate New Years twice. If you have a spare £7,380 the company PrivateFly will fly you from Sydney after the bells chime in 2015 to land in Los Angeles 11 hours later to do it all over again.
There is an even easier way though and you get the chance to sleep off most of the alcohol in your body before pounding your liver again 25 hours later.
Due to the International Dateline passing between the Somoan Islands in the Pacific Ocean, the Eastern Island is the first place on Earth to leave 2014 and the Western Island the last to arrive in 2015 25 hours later.
As Somoa is 14 hours infront of Britain, it will be 10am New Years Eve when the East Somoans are clasping hands and singing about Auld aquataince that may be forgot and our thoughts will be on elevenses when the New Zealanders step outside of 2014.
Lunch will have been finished at 1pm when Australians get even more drunk than usual and stare bleary eyed at a clock striking midnight.
Then it's Japan at 3pm followed by China at 4pm and then India who are awkward and have lost half hour at some point and celebrate the arrival of New Years Day at 6.30pm British time.
The Bacardi Breezers will be flowing freely by 8.30 pm at New Years Eve parties here while they will already be dancing in the streets of Tehran as Iranian clocks chime midnight followed half an hour later by brave Moscovites filling Red Square at 9pm.
The Greeks will be smashing plates at 10pm British Time and then the Parisians will be eyeing the fireworks spinning out of the Eiffel Tower an hour later at 11pm which is just about the time when you are wondering where the police cone came from that you have been wearing for the past 20 minutes.
Then it is our turn and after a brisk Hokey Cokey and a search for your other shoe, it's onto Greenland who will join us in 2015.
When Brazilians dance around on Copacabana Beach, it will be 2am on New Years Day and at 4am we will all be snoring loudly and exhaling alcohol fumes when the Canadians do whatever they do at midnight.
At 5am the United States will be shooting guns into the air like drunken Yosemite Sam in a Bugs Bunny Cartoon before the Western part of Somoa is the last to exit 2014 just in time for the Brits to wake up and break the vast majority of our New Years Resolutions within the first hour.
2014: Not A Good Year
The effects of Climate Change kicked it up a gear with extreme weather events all over the globe sending meteorological records tumbling and 2014 the warmest year on record.
Three Air Asia airplanes went fell out the sky, one recently, one which was never found and another which was shot down as it flew over the Ukraine which was the scene of continued fighting amongst the pro-Western and pro-Eastern sides of the country with an estimated 4000 deaths so far.
The long running battle between Israel and the Palestinians blew up again resulting in a 7 week military assault by Israel which ended up with 2200 Palestinians deaths, 70% of which were civilian.
The Pakistani city of Peshawar buried its dead after a Taliban attack at a school killed at least 132 children and nine staff and ISIS stampeded through Iraq slaughtering as they went and posting videos of prisoners being beheaded on the Internet.
The Syrian conflict continued unabated and spilled over into Lebanon, Al-Shabaab terrorised Somalia with car and suicide bombs and Boko Haram did the same in Nigeria while kidnapping 200 girls from a school and slaughtering whole villages.
The fall out from the 2008 recession continued with economies falling over with yet more austerity to come and food banks springing up in the Worlds 'richest' countries as the chill of hard times continue to spread regardless.
The rise of the racist and xenophobic UKIP political party in Britain should raise a few eyebrows and in America white policemen shot and killed unarmed black men without punishment leading to marches and protests from the black community and bloggers to vindicate the officers with views that 'black men are bad' echoes of a KKK-esque view that everyone thought had long been left behind.
It seemed that 2014 was the year when we stumbled from one horrific event to another and i can't see that 2015 is going to be much better but we can still hope that we come to our collective senses and stop the craziness.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
What Day Is It?
I imagine there is a name for the bit of the month between Christmas Day and New Year but whatever it is named, it's a weird time of the year.
The worst part is not being sure what day it is, Tuesday feels like Sunday but it's actually Friday and the television is still showing Christmas films and the music channels is still playing Wizzard and The Pogues.
For those of us lucky enough, we still have another week off work so it is a perfect time to tidy up all those loose ends but that feels too much like work and this is the time to rest and recharge our batteries for starting all over again in January.
Something i have noticed is lots of adverts for sofas on the television, not sure why the New Year is targeted as the perfect time to ditch the old the piece suite but it seems that the sofa people have got together and decided straight after the most expensive time of the year is the optimal time to try and sell us a £500 piece of furniture.
It's raining outside again and a cold wind is blowing but i don't think i can handle another day eating Walnut Whips and flicking through the channels to try and find something that doesn't have a celebrity chef telling us ways to use up the left over Christmas food so i will be throwing on my coat, hat and gloves and stumble out into the bracing outside world and see who is selling half price selection boxes.
The worst part is not being sure what day it is, Tuesday feels like Sunday but it's actually Friday and the television is still showing Christmas films and the music channels is still playing Wizzard and The Pogues.
For those of us lucky enough, we still have another week off work so it is a perfect time to tidy up all those loose ends but that feels too much like work and this is the time to rest and recharge our batteries for starting all over again in January.
Something i have noticed is lots of adverts for sofas on the television, not sure why the New Year is targeted as the perfect time to ditch the old the piece suite but it seems that the sofa people have got together and decided straight after the most expensive time of the year is the optimal time to try and sell us a £500 piece of furniture.
It's raining outside again and a cold wind is blowing but i don't think i can handle another day eating Walnut Whips and flicking through the channels to try and find something that doesn't have a celebrity chef telling us ways to use up the left over Christmas food so i will be throwing on my coat, hat and gloves and stumble out into the bracing outside world and see who is selling half price selection boxes.
Friday, 21 March 2014
Happy 1393 Iran
It's the New Year in Iran so to anyone Iranian, Happy Nowruz and all the best for 1393!
As Iran follows the Solar Hirji calendar, the Persians are waking up in 1393 today but as we in the West follow the Gregorian calendar, it is 2014 for us so we have already done 1393 so we can pass on some advice.
That war that been rolling on between England and France still has some way to go, we call it the Hundred Years' War now and we are only just over halfway through.
The Mongols are going to be around your neck of the woods for a few years yet and that black stuff that keeps seeping out of the ground is going to be important in a few hundreds years so don't waste it.
As we are 727 years in the future it is only fair that we share upcoming events with you unlike those Buddhists who are in 2558 and haven't told us anything and even worse are the Hebrews who are in 5774 and haven't even told us how to make those flying skateboards from the Back to the Future films.
Of course it will be another 600 odd years before you get cinema but you will like it but you might want to give '300' a miss when it comes out, the Persians don't come out of that very well.
As Iran follows the Solar Hirji calendar, the Persians are waking up in 1393 today but as we in the West follow the Gregorian calendar, it is 2014 for us so we have already done 1393 so we can pass on some advice.
That war that been rolling on between England and France still has some way to go, we call it the Hundred Years' War now and we are only just over halfway through.
The Mongols are going to be around your neck of the woods for a few years yet and that black stuff that keeps seeping out of the ground is going to be important in a few hundreds years so don't waste it.
As we are 727 years in the future it is only fair that we share upcoming events with you unlike those Buddhists who are in 2558 and haven't told us anything and even worse are the Hebrews who are in 5774 and haven't even told us how to make those flying skateboards from the Back to the Future films.
Of course it will be another 600 odd years before you get cinema but you will like it but you might want to give '300' a miss when it comes out, the Persians don't come out of that very well.
Sunday, 2 February 2014
Happy New Year Satanists
I don't think i know any Satan worshippers but if i did i would be wishing them a Happy New Year today because it's that time in the Satanic Calendar when they smear themselves in Goats blood and sing Auld Lang Syne while sacrificing a virgin. Probably.
I didn't even know there was such a thing as a Satanic New Year until the Vatican blamed Satanists for pinching the blood of Pope John Paul II for use in their Candlemass celebrations.
The devil worshippers should be able to summon up one of the better calibre of demons with the blood of a Pope as an offering, maybe even old Beelzebub himself if he isn't busy pitchforking Margaret Thatcher in the bum, so i will keep an ear out for that on the news.
Apparently the Satanists calendar indicates a whole rosta of events through the year including 'St Eichatadt Day' on 1st March when they drink human blood for strength and homage to demons and the 'Feast of the beast' on 24 March when a virgin becomes the bride of Satan in a marriage ceremony.
July 1 is the day of the 'Demon Revels' involving more blood rituals and sexual relations with demons but the day all Satanists clear on their calendar is 31 October, or 'High Unholy Days', when the Satanists attempt to break the bond which is keeping the doors to the underworld closed and include the obligatory blood rituals.
As you can see, they do go through a lot of blood during the Satanic Year so you can see why they would take any opportunity to pinch some of the Pope's when the chance presents itself.
I didn't even know there was such a thing as a Satanic New Year until the Vatican blamed Satanists for pinching the blood of Pope John Paul II for use in their Candlemass celebrations.
The devil worshippers should be able to summon up one of the better calibre of demons with the blood of a Pope as an offering, maybe even old Beelzebub himself if he isn't busy pitchforking Margaret Thatcher in the bum, so i will keep an ear out for that on the news.
Apparently the Satanists calendar indicates a whole rosta of events through the year including 'St Eichatadt Day' on 1st March when they drink human blood for strength and homage to demons and the 'Feast of the beast' on 24 March when a virgin becomes the bride of Satan in a marriage ceremony.
July 1 is the day of the 'Demon Revels' involving more blood rituals and sexual relations with demons but the day all Satanists clear on their calendar is 31 October, or 'High Unholy Days', when the Satanists attempt to break the bond which is keeping the doors to the underworld closed and include the obligatory blood rituals.
As you can see, they do go through a lot of blood during the Satanic Year so you can see why they would take any opportunity to pinch some of the Pope's when the chance presents itself.
Monday, 30 December 2013
Behind The Scenes Of The 2013 List Post
Almost the end of the year and everywhere you look people are making lists of the best and worst things of 2013. I do find myself bored after reading one or two of these lists because they are basically all the same but as it is almost compulsory to make one of these lists i wondered if there is another way of doing it. Is there another way to mention all things that happened between January 2013 and today and not having people falling asleep before they get to the end of January? Something i did consider was to take a leaf out of Billy Joel's book and do a 'We Didn't Start The Fire' style list of events and people from the year so it would be something like:
Ronnie Biggs, Royal Baby
Iranian President Hassan Rowhani
Edward Snowden, Lewis Collins, Pussy Riot jailed,
David Frost, Tommy Morrison
US Court free’s George Zimmerman
North Korea terrorising South Korea failed
That seemed to go okay, the rhyming of George Zimmerman and the late Tommy Morrison relied on the readers pronunciation of Zimmerman to make it work but the rest seemed to flow okay in Joel's style. The second verse might go something like:
Brothers plant the Boston bomb,
Queens of the Stone Age, Elton John,
Lou Reed, CSI, Mandela dies South Africans cry
Chinese die from vaccine,
Holland’s got a new queen,
Alan Wicker, Mel Smith, Hugo Chavez goodbye!
Going well, got most of the big names and events in and using some of Joel's original endings to the lines keeps the reader in tune with the original song. In the second part of the song, Billy changed the flow of the verse from the first two which may throw out some of the readers except those that know the Joel song and can compensate.
Bradley Manning, Lee Rigby, Mikhail Kalashnikov
Maggie Thatcher, Dave Coleman, Cory Monteith shock,
O’Toole, Tommy Morrison, Paul Shane, Noel Harrison
Morsi Government falls, Pistorious in the dock
Mel Smith, Charlie Sheen, Munich's got a winning team,
Trayvon Martin, Iain Banks, Reg Presley, Queensland,
Gillard, war in Syria, Oklahoma, Meteor,
Xi Jingping, DC, sackings at Tottenham Hotspur
Meteor to Hotspur...hmmm. Nevertheless, trying to stay with him the final verse would go something like:
Bitcoin, Andy Murray wins, Miley Cirus twerks again,
Croatia, Obamacare, austerity, welfare,
Ukraine, Shabab, Palestine, British banks huge fine,
Free elections in Iran, NATO in Afghanistan,
Cyprus bailout, Bangladesh, Brazil nightclub, hundreds dead,
Foreign debts, American threats,
Mali, crack, Household debts,
Government shutdown, huge typhoon, China's landed on the moon,
Payday lenders profits boon, 2013 is ending soon.
That seems to be most of the events in 2013 and just leaves the final chorus which is to include something about 2014 not going to be any different to 2013:
This year didn't start the fire,
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning.
This year didn't start the fire,
But when it has gone
Our troubles will go on and on, and on, and on...
Nice idea but the change of flow from the final two verses to the first two is problematic if you don't know the Billy Joel song and it isn't easy to rhyme events that closely to Joel's original words to keep the whole thing on track. Some of it worked, some was a stretch and some relied on readers mangling the pronunciation but the hardest bit would be the time it would take to look up 2013 events and arrange them into pairs so they rhymed.
Stuff it, i will do the same as everyone else and copy and paste a list from another website and boo and cheer the main bits.
Ronnie Biggs, Royal Baby
Iranian President Hassan Rowhani
Edward Snowden, Lewis Collins, Pussy Riot jailed,
David Frost, Tommy Morrison
US Court free’s George Zimmerman
North Korea terrorising South Korea failed
That seemed to go okay, the rhyming of George Zimmerman and the late Tommy Morrison relied on the readers pronunciation of Zimmerman to make it work but the rest seemed to flow okay in Joel's style. The second verse might go something like:
Brothers plant the Boston bomb,
Queens of the Stone Age, Elton John,
Lou Reed, CSI, Mandela dies South Africans cry
Chinese die from vaccine,
Holland’s got a new queen,
Alan Wicker, Mel Smith, Hugo Chavez goodbye!
Going well, got most of the big names and events in and using some of Joel's original endings to the lines keeps the reader in tune with the original song. In the second part of the song, Billy changed the flow of the verse from the first two which may throw out some of the readers except those that know the Joel song and can compensate.
Bradley Manning, Lee Rigby, Mikhail Kalashnikov
Maggie Thatcher, Dave Coleman, Cory Monteith shock,
O’Toole, Tommy Morrison, Paul Shane, Noel Harrison
Morsi Government falls, Pistorious in the dock
Mel Smith, Charlie Sheen, Munich's got a winning team,
Trayvon Martin, Iain Banks, Reg Presley, Queensland,
Gillard, war in Syria, Oklahoma, Meteor,
Xi Jingping, DC, sackings at Tottenham Hotspur
Meteor to Hotspur...hmmm. Nevertheless, trying to stay with him the final verse would go something like:
Bitcoin, Andy Murray wins, Miley Cirus twerks again,
Croatia, Obamacare, austerity, welfare,
Ukraine, Shabab, Palestine, British banks huge fine,
Free elections in Iran, NATO in Afghanistan,
Cyprus bailout, Bangladesh, Brazil nightclub, hundreds dead,
Foreign debts, American threats,
Mali, crack, Household debts,
Government shutdown, huge typhoon, China's landed on the moon,
Payday lenders profits boon, 2013 is ending soon.
That seems to be most of the events in 2013 and just leaves the final chorus which is to include something about 2014 not going to be any different to 2013:
This year didn't start the fire,
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning.
This year didn't start the fire,
But when it has gone
Our troubles will go on and on, and on, and on...
Nice idea but the change of flow from the final two verses to the first two is problematic if you don't know the Billy Joel song and it isn't easy to rhyme events that closely to Joel's original words to keep the whole thing on track. Some of it worked, some was a stretch and some relied on readers mangling the pronunciation but the hardest bit would be the time it would take to look up 2013 events and arrange them into pairs so they rhymed.
Stuff it, i will do the same as everyone else and copy and paste a list from another website and boo and cheer the main bits.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Half Time
Today is the 183rd day of the year which marks the halfway point in the year so we are as far away from when we made a drunken arse of ourselves on New Years Eve as we are from the next time we make a drunken arse of ourselves on New Years Eve.
As we are also past the point when the Northern hemisphere is closest to the Sun, we in the top half of the globe are in a headlong rush towards colder times with snow days, Christmas and making an arse of ourselves on New Years Eve.
It is also an opportunity to take a step back and evaluate your year so far with your goals and objectives and to take the necessary action to get things back on track if necessary.
It’s a chance to thinking over the aspects of your life that you might want to improve and vow to make the second half of the year count, to achieve those goals that you set out while waking up with a massive hangover on January 1st after making an arse of yourself on New Years Eve.
It's like a football match where you collect your thoughts in the changing room at half time, consider the first half and devise a strategy for the second half to get the required result.
Alternatively you can say stuff it and just do in the second part exactly what you did in the first and worry about it on New Years Eve when you promise to give up the fags, drink, junk food, lose weight, get fitter, travel more and find a new job and move house and then you think stuff it, i will do that in the second half of the year when you can say stuff it, i will...and so on and so on.
As we are also past the point when the Northern hemisphere is closest to the Sun, we in the top half of the globe are in a headlong rush towards colder times with snow days, Christmas and making an arse of ourselves on New Years Eve.
It is also an opportunity to take a step back and evaluate your year so far with your goals and objectives and to take the necessary action to get things back on track if necessary.
It’s a chance to thinking over the aspects of your life that you might want to improve and vow to make the second half of the year count, to achieve those goals that you set out while waking up with a massive hangover on January 1st after making an arse of yourself on New Years Eve.
It's like a football match where you collect your thoughts in the changing room at half time, consider the first half and devise a strategy for the second half to get the required result.
Alternatively you can say stuff it and just do in the second part exactly what you did in the first and worry about it on New Years Eve when you promise to give up the fags, drink, junk food, lose weight, get fitter, travel more and find a new job and move house and then you think stuff it, i will do that in the second half of the year when you can say stuff it, i will...and so on and so on.
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Lost in 2012
The end of the year is always a time of reflection and one of the saddest lists is always those who died over the past year.
Probably the most shocking was Whitney Houston who was found dead in her bath from a drugs overdose. Aged only 48, so much talent wasted.
Also gone are Bob Holness, Davy Jones, Eric Sykes, Max Bygraves, Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys, Larry Hagman, Clive Dunn, Terry Nutkins and Frank Carson who all seemed to have been around since i was a kid.
Ones that i somehow missed were Donna Summer who died in May and actor Michael Clarke Duncan who played John Coffey in The Green Mile and while it is always sad to hear of anyone dying, the deaths of Astronomer Patrick Moore and Astronaut Neil Armstrong are the ones that stick most in my memory from the past 12 months.
Probably the most shocking was Whitney Houston who was found dead in her bath from a drugs overdose. Aged only 48, so much talent wasted.
Also gone are Bob Holness, Davy Jones, Eric Sykes, Max Bygraves, Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys, Larry Hagman, Clive Dunn, Terry Nutkins and Frank Carson who all seemed to have been around since i was a kid.
Ones that i somehow missed were Donna Summer who died in May and actor Michael Clarke Duncan who played John Coffey in The Green Mile and while it is always sad to hear of anyone dying, the deaths of Astronomer Patrick Moore and Astronaut Neil Armstrong are the ones that stick most in my memory from the past 12 months.
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