Saturday, 21 July 2018

90 Days Of Summer: Day 51

In 1977, ELO posed the question what did we do wrong for Mr Blue Sky to hide away for so long and although i don't think the band ever got an answer, whatever it was we must be doing it right now because Mr Blue Sky has been doing anything but hiding for the last couple of months.
It's Blue Sky for breakfast, dinner and tea and although to start with many were pleased to be with you and smiled up at you like the song says, now i'm not alone in wishing you would sod off for a week or so.
Even the weather folk are taunting us with the threat of thunderstorms and torrential rain only for it to be as elusive as a non-alcoholic drunk in Mel Gibson's fridge so now we have heatwave warnings, hose-pipe bans and advice on how to save water.
All of the weather apps on my phone are showing sunshine all of next week and temperatures in the low 30's which means further nights of waking up to an insect party in the bedroom and peeling the pillow off my face so Mr Blue Sky, please give Mr Cloud and Mr Overcast a go, summers tough enough without you sticking your oar in every bloody day as well.

Friday, 20 July 2018

Buffy Refusing To Lay Down And Die

Approximately 92 years ago John Logie Baird bought us the Television set but it wasn't until around 70 years later in 1997 when the Scotsman's invention reached it's peak with the brilliant Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Everything about the show was perfect, the cast, the story lines, the humour and the characters but after seven series it was bought to an end and as sad as it was, it went out at about the right time.
Now rumours are abound that in true horror style the Vampire series is refusing to lie down and die and is to be rebooted with a new cast and without the original writing talent of Joss Weedon.
When Buffy and the rest of the Scooby Gang finished battling the undead spawned by the Hell Mouth in Sunnydale in 2003, we were left with the memories of the wise-cracking, vampire-whacking teenagers of the late nineties and early noughties
The ingredients that made the show were perfect for the time and part of me wants Buffy to stay in the past, immortalised as one of the greatest TV shows ever to appear and not risk being sullied by a disastrous reboot.
Make something Buffy-like if you want but without Sarah-Michelle Geller and David Boreanaz dusting vampires it won't be anything like the same.
Casting the same actors will not do because they will be older and it will be like bumping into the guy you had a crush on at school years later and realising that actually, he is not as handsome or cute as you remember him.
Hard to say but i think they should just leave Buffy and the beautiful corpse well alone because it was so good the first time around, they would never be able to capture that again.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Told Ya So

Some say that the Shroud of Turin is the burial cloth of Jesus while others dismiss it as a medieval forgery.
Despite it being carbon-dated in the 80's and found to date from around the 13th Century, some still desperately cling to it as proof that Jesus was not only real but was nailed to a cross just as the Bible stated. 
A new study using modern forensic techniques now looks to knock the confidence of the son of God's blanket fans by revealing that the bloodstains on the shroud from the supposed crucifixion are as fake as those stories about a talking snake tempting women with apples. 
At some point, you would imagine one of the scientists would think, 'Hang on, we are trying to disprove a story of the son of a man who lives in the clouds and made all of mankind from dirt and bits of ribs' and give up and invent a vaccine to cure the gullibility of people who believe the religious fairy story in the first place.

Leave It The Feck Alone!!!

I've seen enough horror films to know that if you stumble across an ancient sarcophagus complete with strange symbols and the model of a head beside it then the last thing you should do is open the damned thing but Egyptian archaeologists have obviously not seen the same films as me because they are looking around for a crowbar to jimmy it open.
The 30 tonne, 9ft long black granite sarcophagus was uncovered in a tomb deep beneath the Egyptian city of Alexandria and has lain unopened for over 2000 years since the Ptolemaic period and as well as a mummified body, the archaeologists think it probably also contains priceless jewellery.
Due to the immense weight and the difficulties in moving the sarcophagus, experts plan to open the coffin in-situ but i say x-ray it first and if the mummified body has the head of a wolf or hawk then leave the bloody thing well alone.

Monday, 16 July 2018

Happy Birthday Nuclear Weapons

Today marks the 73rd anniversary of the first successful nuclear explosion in Alamogordo, New Mexico in 1945 and now there are nine countries that possess nuclear weapons, the US, Russia, the UK, France, China Israel, India, Pakistan and North Korea but even more countries have given up their nuclear weapons programmes believe they were more of a liability than an asset for national security.
The apartheid regime in South Africa built six warheads before dismantling them in 1989 while Sweden had an advanced plan to build up to a hundred warheads, but gave up the project as too expensive in the 1960s.
Argentina and Brazil have both pursued covert nuclear weapons programmes in the 90s as did Taiwan and South Korea who began developing plutonium production programmes until the US persuaded them to halt and rely on Washington for security. Japan has has all the materials and know-how to build a nuclear warhead quickly if it decided to follow that path.
Saddam Hussein's Iraq dismantled their nuclear weapons programme after the first Gulf war in 1991, and Libya’s Colonel Gaddafi handed over his nuclear weapons programme to the US in 2003 which as it turned out later was a massive own goal and a warning to any future despots considering giving up their atomic dreams.
We can consider ourselves fortunate that these insane devices of global destruction are only in the custody of responsible governments who only have the interests of humanity in mind...hmmm.

Gonna Cost Musk Millions

If you ever wondered just how classy Elon Musk is, you got your answer yesterday when he called a cave diver who helped rescue 12 Thai boys from deep within a cave a pedo on Twitter just because he refused his help.
In now deleted tweets, Musk had called Vern Unsworth a 'pedo guy' after trying to force a submarine onto the rescue team in the mistaken belief that he knows more about cave diving than actual cave divers who called the Musk rescue plan 'inappropriate' and a 'PR stunt'.
Mr Unsworth has now said that he was considering legal action and 'It's not finished' meaning he will hopefully take the hyper-sensitive and whiny man-child for millions.

Friday, 13 July 2018

Feeling Unwelcome Yet Donny?

Within 24 hours of arriving in the UK, Donald Trump was moaning that he felt unwelcome but why on earth would he feel like that?
Surely he was aware that tens of thousands of people were gathering in London to mark his arrival and there was balloons and everything.
In fact so many people turned out that police had to stop many more from entering Trafalgar Square so why would the President of the United States feel so unwelcome at the home of one of the very few remaining allies he has?
Oh i remember, it was all that racist stuff and admitting to sexually assaulting women as well as being a lying blowhard, i knew there was something.
Apart from the big orange baby balloon flying overhead, there was some brilliant banners including many which rhymed 'Trump' with 'Dump' and a quite a few which went along with the theme of the balloon and went with 'big orange baby'.
The weird colour of his skin was a dominant area and i saw a few referring to 'Wotsits' and him being 'Tango'd' and some doubling it up with his teeny, tiny penis hands such as 'Tiny Orange Hands' and 'Can't build a wall, his hands too small' which i have seen before and another one borrowed from elsewhere but is still very clever 'super-callous-fragile-racist-sexist-nazi-potus'.
'Donald Duck Off' was amusing and 'We shall overcomb' with various pictures of the Shredded Wheat barnet he favours but although my all time favourite is still 'Impeach the Orange', the best of the British efforts so far has to be the charming 'Feck orf you tango bawlbag' which hilariously works on so many levels.
The next adventure in keeping the President away from protesters so Theresa May can work a deal to import America's flavoursome chlorinated chicken is him and his ridiculous wife being shuffled off to Scotland so it's over to you guys north of the border to take up the challenge of making the third fattest President in history feel even more unwelcome than he already does.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Le Football Revient à La Maison

Sunday is the World Cup Final and it's 'COME ON ENG...' oh, hmmm, France versus Croatia you say. 
Of course you could argue that the boys did well to get to the Semi-Final but then you could also argue England had a massive dose of good fortune to not play anyone decent until the semi-final and then we got turfed out by the first good team we played.
They obviously didn't sacrifice enough Manchester United fans to appease the Gods of football and i say they because nous sommes français maintenant!!
Yes, in a duel between the French and the Croatian's, it's Les Bleu's all the way and Didier Deschamps and his band of merry men to be parading up the Champs Elysees on an open top bus singing 'le football revient à la maison'.

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

That's A Lot Of Beer

In a little over 4 hours we will be a bit clearer on whether football is coming home or going to Paris or Zagreb but apart from everyone becoming an expert on the diamond formation or whether Alli should be used as defensive cover or further up the pitch, the England World Cup run economy has been a boon for business.
The British Beer and Pub Association is predicting an extra 10 million pints will be sold during the semi-final against Croatia with the knockout stage alone boosting the economy by up to £30m.
People are celebrating with drinks at home, too. Tesco is expecting to sell more than 50 million bottles and cans of beer and cider, and nearly six million bottles of wine this week along with 7.5 million burgers and sausages and an extra one million packs of barbecue meat and 70,000 disposable barbecues.
Garden centres announced that barbecue-related sales have increased by 60% while John Lewis reported a 140% rise in television sales.
You can't take a step outside the door without hearing the tune of 'Three Lions' which is expected to top the charts this week and was streamed 2.6 millions times since last Friday.
The bad side though is that since the tournament began police have recorded 1,086 football-related incidents and 70 arrests with The National Police Chiefs' Council saying the majority of incidents were alcohol related.
Asda sold 20,000 strips of St George's flag bunting last week, plus 3,000 bandanas and whistles - and other accessories such as masks, novelty hats, facepaints and foam fingers are reportedly flying off the shelves.
Gareth Southgate's fashion style has seen waistcoat sales rise 35% since the beginning of the tournament and the weekends quarter final saw 19.64 million people tuned in to watch, 87.7% of people watching TV, and it's likely tonight's semi-final will command an even larger audience.
So it's fingers, legs, eyes and whatever else you are able to cross crossed and by 10 o'clock tonight we see our lads consoling the Croats and the sound 53 million English voices singing rude songs about baguettes and onions waft across the Channel to Sunday's opponents.

The NATO Solution

Even before the NATO summit this week, failed businessman Donald Trump was routinely urging other NATO members to increase their military spending as the USA spends 4% of GDP on defence while many others fail to reach the suggested 2% mark.
'The US is paying far too much and other countries are not paying enough' said the orange monkey explaining that it is: 'disproportionate and not fair to the taxpayers of the US'.
Now i don't have Trump's business acumen, i haven't ever been declared bankrupt while he has five times, so obviously his business acumen sucks so my advice would be if he doesn't like America spending so much why doesn't he spend less instead of increasing defence spending as he did recently?
If he cut the spending down to 2% then he would have billions more to spend on cutting the $21 Trillion debt or even provide decent health insurance for his citizens.
The West, especially the US and UK, needs Russia as a rival to justify the continued existence of NATO which after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War is obsolete and why are American troops still, in Europe anyway?
As Trump isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, maybe someone should try explaining it to him using pictures, short sentences and sock-puppets if necessary until he grasps it.
We can hope that as Trump has taken a wrecking ball to everything else, he can have the same effect at NATO and the organisation will die a quick and painless death and instead of spending money on weapons to bring death to some poor nations citizens, we can all use the money saved for something helpful to mankind instead.

Keep Your Head Down Yankees

American's in Britain have been warned by the US Embassy to keep their heads down during Donald Trump's visit to the UK and to 'exercise caution in the vicinity of large gatherings'.
As my Canadian Colleague finds out regularly, to British ears American and Canadian accents pretty much sound the same so American's can just pretend they're Canadian, and everybody likes a Canadian like they did at the height of the Iraq War and the dumbass in the White House then that we were getting uppity about was George W Bush.
Canadian's don't like you doing it because there is a chance that a real Canadian will get mistaken for an American pretending to be a Canadian so my colleague has come up with a guide to not make yourself known, top being try and speak quieter, Americans apparently, are much louder and boastful than your average normal person.
Personally i think as long as you don't turn up at the protest with a picture of Trump, a cowboy hat and a Confederate flag then you won't have a close up view of how great our socialised Health Service is.
If you do find yourself surrounded by angry Brits, my advice would be to shout 'it's coming home' which will almost guarantee you safe passage to a burger place where all the other Americans will be, they will be the ones shouting as they talk to each other about how they wish they could have bought their guns with them.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Belgium Or France

As England play their World Cup semi-final against Croatia tomorrow evening, we have the luxury of watching just who may be waiting for us in the final and the topic of conversation today has been who we would rather meet, the French or the Belgians.
As it has been already pre-ordained by the football gods that the Trophy will be shoved into a luggage rack on a plane bound for Heathrow it is rather pointless but i have to cheer for someone tonight but who?
Neither have any Arsenal players so it can't be decided on that score although former Gunners favourite Thierry Henry is the assistant manager at Belgium so that's a plus in their column although that is offset by Marouane Fellaini who kicks opponents more than he does the ball. 
If they can't be separated by players than i will have to consider the nation as a whole and while France is a thriving, beautiful country the French themselves are miserable sods while the Belgian people are much more welcoming, the country itself is to be polite, not thriving.  
Going with my heart, and because they have a great National Anthem, i will plump for the French to nudge the Belgians out tonight and line up against us plucky Englanders on Sunday. 

Monday, 9 July 2018

Coming Soon: May's Government Ending In Farce

Two Government cabinet members quit and more are in the offering amidst the beautiful scenes of the Conservative Party viciously tearing itself apart over Brexit.
That it is David 'smugface' Davis and Boris 'Watermelon Smiles' Johnson who have removed themselves just makes it even more sweeter, two men who the word incompetent could have been invented for.
As an already weak Theresa May is now left clinging to power by the bits of fingernails she has left, the next week or so could see a large scale change in British politics and most importantly the self-inflicted suicide which is Brexit.
Now is the time for Jeremey Corbyn and Labour to twist the knife and finish off what has been a disastrous Conservative Government and then cancel Brexit and introduce a massive dose of Socialism to Britain because heaven knows we need it.
How appropriate that Mrs Mays premiership should end in absolute, brilliant farce and we may be treated to a repeat of the scene from the last female Premier, that tearful gaze out of the back of the taxi as she is driven away, taken down by her own party.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

The Football's Coming Home Song

As the Rev and I stood on the balcony vaping last night, in the distance we could hear the call of England football fans drunkenly singing 'Football's coming home' echoing in the streets below.
'They only seem to know that bit' i mentioned to the Rev who refused to admit that he was miffed that he had to attend to a wedding that afternoon and missed the England game but i knew he was.
As the song was from 1996 and many of the people we could see falling over and trying to leap-frog the bins were either not born or were being treated for nappy rash at the time so they wouldn't have been aware of the original Three Lions songs by the Lightning Seeds and the comedians Frank Skinner and David Baddiel.
The 'Football's Coming Home' chorus which is the only bit anyone seems to sing was a reference to the fact that when the song was released, England was hosting Euro 96 but the line has evolved to refer to England’s hopes of bringing home the World Cup trophy to the spiritual home of football, England, where it was invented.
So where it originally meant Football's coming home as England was hosting a major tournament, now it means England is bringing home the World Cup Trophy because we gave it to the World in 1863, who then had the audacity to be better than us at it until 1966 and the 50 years after that.

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Sacrificing Virgins To Win The World Cup

Such a shame that it is Sweden that England beat today, i have a lot of time for the Swedes and would have been cheering for them had it been anyone but England that they were playing in the World Cup Quarter Final today.
Oh well, Que Sera Sera as Doris Day once said and it's onward and upwards for England as we progress to the sharp end of the competition with only Croatia now standing between us and a date in the Final against the French or Belgians.
Many people, me included, decided a while ago that whichever God or Godess was responsible for deciding football matches, they were smiling on England but who should we be sacrificing animals and offering our virgins to just to make sure? 
In Greek mythology Nike is responsible for athletes but in Roman mythology it is Victoria while in Norse it is Ullr we should be offering our thanks to but before we sharpen our knives and start building pyres and looking for virgins, the Christians with their one God have their own person responsible for football, Saint Luigi Scrosoppi.
In the early 19th Century, Luigi built orphanages and used sport as a way to breed the values of fairness, perseverance, diligence and determination amongst the orphans.
As Christians are not so much into the sacrificing animals or setting fire to virgins we could just offer up some prayers that Ivan Rakitić and Luka Modrić come down with a stomach bug Wednesday morning but as all the religions are basically the same, we could hit all bases in one go by sacrificing Manchester United fans therefore meeting the criteria of offering dumb animals and virgins
to the Greek, Norse and Roman Gods and as a fan of proper football, earning the approval of St. Scrosoppi.
The English FA should start making a space in the trophy cabinet because by George, i think we've got it covered.

Applauding The Thailand Rescuers

In a world dominated by conflict, threats and utter madness, relief has come in the shape of a Thailand football team trapped in a cave.
Thankfully they have not only been found alive but an international effort has swung into effect to bring them out with amongst the Thai rescuers are Chinese, Brits, Australians and Americans which is how things should be.
In an International crisis, with no politicians involved, the brilliant rescuers just up and went to help save lives which is one of the rare times that we all just join together to help people in need regardless of nationality.
Why we can't do more of this helping each other instead of spending hundreds of billions developing weapons to kill everyone on the planet is the nonsensical thinking of humans.
Yes we come together and applaud the bravery of the rescuers risking their own lives to save 12 kids stuck in a cave in Thailand but it all seems inconsistent when far more than 12 kids are being killed hourly in wars and conflicts elsewhere where the pathetic self-serving politicians are making the decisions.

Friday, 6 July 2018

Welcome To Britain Mr Trump

In Britain we have morbidly obese people, sex pests and racists so trust the Americans to go one better and have all of the above rolled into one President and he is coming here next week to visit.
As Donald Trump is sure to be made welcome with tens of thousands lining the streets, the Government had decided the best way to stop him being left in no doubt how much of a dickhead we think he is, they are making sure that he is kept well out of the firing line from everybody.
The itinerary for the orange one and his ridiculous wife is an overnight stay at the US Ambassador's House in Regent Park and the rest of the time spent outside of London in Windsor, Buckinghamshire, Oxford and Scotland and well away from the rotten tomatoes.
Trump could therefore miss the giant inflatable orange baby figure that London Mayor Sadiq Khan has granted permission to fly over Westminster during the Presidents visit.
Despite the Government trying to keep him away from the demonstrations and giving him the impression that he may be a tad unpopular over here, mass protests are planned for each stage of the visit so wherever him and his teeny tiny hands end up, there will be people waiting to give him a Great British welcome until he leaves to go on a meeting with Russia's President, Vladimir Putin and if previous trips to Moscow are anything to go by, a bunch of prostitutes with full bladders.

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Trump The Gratest Precedent Ever

Donald Trump: 'After having written many best selling books, and somewhat priding myself on my ability to write, it should be noted that the Fake News constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake. I capitalize certain words only for emphasis, not b/c they should be capitalized!'
'somewhat priding myself on my ability to write' followed in the same tweet by 'pour over my tweets'
Yep dumbo, you are quite right to pride yourself on your ability to write,  shame you never learnt to spell though.
The thicko President once said that he has 'the best words' although as it turns out, many of those words are misspelt.
Previous tweets include his goals during a trip to Israel was to 'promote the possibility of lasting peach'  and describing the Chinese seizure of a US Navy drone as an 'unpresidented act'.
He once claimed that President Barack Obama had 'gone to tapp my phones' and said that 'No dream is too big, no challenge is to great' which means he wasn't sure whether to use 'to' or 'too' so went with both and hoped nobody would notice.
A tweet regarding a terrorist attacker in Denmark became a tweet about an 'attaker' in 'Denmakr' and another welcoming the British Prime Minister Theresa May became about 'Teresa May' who just happens to be the name of a British porn star, although to be fair we all know that Trumps enjoys the company of Porn Stars so that one may not have been an error.
He once referred to the 'Secretary of Educatuon' and Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos became the President of 'Columbia' but as his very first tweet on becoming President was that he was 'honered to serve the great American People', we shouldn't expect much else from someone who once said that his IQ was very high and then explained people would vote for him, the third fattest President ever, because 'he was so good looking'.
The guy really is too stupid to realise just how stupid he really is but we should make the most of it because pretty soon America may get a decent President and America will return to sanity again, or as close as it has ever gets to sanity anyway.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It's Not Easy Being An England Fan

Bloody hell it's hard work watching England play football, conceding a goal in the last minute of ordinary time and then winning a penalty shootout to set up a quarter final with Sweden on Saturday.
As England and penalty shootouts go together like fish and bicycles, it really does feel that whichever of the Gods who decide these things has already given England the thumbs up and is doing their bit to make sure we win the whole shebang.
So we can now do it all over again against Sweden at the weekend but we should start clearing out the spare room and set an extra place at the table because football has just texted to let us know it’s coming home.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Where Are The Consequences For Trump's Sexual Assaults?

Donald Trump has always denied sexually assaulting women or kissing them without consent even after he admitted doing just that but after a large group of women came forward to say he had done it to them, things seemed to have gone quiet.
Amongst the allegations of unwanted sexual contact are grabbing women's breasts, buttocks and genitals and putting his hands up skirts as well as forcibly kissing others on the lips and offering payment for sex to other women.
Numerous others have said that he made a habit of barging into their dressing rooms while they were naked. 
The White House have denied the allegations and said that all the women who have accused him of being a sexual predator are lying, and Trump himself suggested that the women who have come forward accusing him were not attractive enough for him to sexually assault them.
That a large number of women have come forward with very similar stories that have been confirmed by Trump out of his own mouth when he bragged he 'can do anything' to women, including 'just start kissing them' and 'grab 'em by the pussy' which should be enough for a criminal trial but somehow the consummate liar who initially denied having sex and then paying a porn star hush money is not even being investigated.
While the media attention around Harvey Weinstein has kept the film director in the headlines, it seems to have eluded the self-confessed sexual behaviour of Trump who seems to have escaped any consequences for his heinous actions.

90 Days Of Summer: Day 32

With the MET Office warning of the heatwave and 30C temperatures carrying on for the rest of this week at least, everybody is asking the same question: 'When it is legally too hot to work?'
The official answer from the Government website is that there is no law in the UK that determines a temperature when the boss tells you to pack up for the day and go get an ice-cream but the wiggle room is that 'employers must lawfully ensure that the temperature is deemed reasonable in all workplaces' which is open to interpretation.
The Health and Safety Executive says employers must take into account six basic factors when deciding whether to keep people in the workplace.
These are air temperature, radiant temperatures, air velocity, humidity, the clothing employees are expected to wear, and their expected work rate.
The Trades Union Congress (TUC) has called for a maximum workplace temperature of 30C for non-manual work and 27C for manual work, meaning you would be automatically sent home if the workplace temperature exceeded it but until then you are just going to have to make sure you take your fan with you whenever you go to the water tower because you just know that when you get back there will be an empty space where it used to be.

Saturday, 30 June 2018

90 Days Of Summer: Day 30

We are now officially on the thirtieth day of meteorological summer and with two thirds still to go i've already outstayed my welcome in the local supermarkets freezer aisle, the security guards have been eyeing me suspiciously as i have been spending far too much time standing with the doors open in the dairy section.
That the thermometer has been hovering around 30C for almost a fortnight now is too much to bear as is the weatherman describing the wall to wall blue skies, blazing sunshine and high temperatures as glorious and beautiful when all i want is a massive thunderstorm to wash it all away and be able to turn my cars steering wheel without getting third degree burns whenever i go around a corner.
Finally it seems my fist waving and cursing at Mother Nature may come to fruition because of the three weather apps on my phone, two are saying the UK's south coast is in for torrential rain, hail and lightning tomorrow.
The Met Office have issued a warning saying that heavy rain could lead to flooded homes and businesses and difficult driving conditions but no mention of a woman running around in the downpour cackling maniacally and belly-flopping into puddles which i guarantee will also happen tomorrow.

Not Crying For Argentina Or Portugal

Unless you are Portuguese or Argentinian, or you have them in the office sweepstake, nobody will be too upset to see the pair of them dumped out of the World Cup at the first knockout stage.
Messi and Ronaldo will be sat at home on the sofa watching the remaining games like the rest of us only probably with less chocolate and bottles of Theakston Old Peculiar.
The World Cup so far has been brilliant, mainly because the big boys haven't been steamrolling everyone as they usually do so Germany, Argentinia and Portugal have been dinked out before the Quarter Final stage which can only be good for the competition as some of the more unfancied teams will progress to the later stages.
Maybe i was a bit hasty asking for my £2 back when i pulled out Uruguay in our works sweepstake which made it doubly sweet that Ronaldo and his team have been turfed out by them.
My £64 winnings though could be in danger as the French are next up for Uruguay and Les Bleus looked good today, despite having quite a few Chelsea players handicapping their side.     
England play Colombia on Tuesday and their main striker, James Rodriguez, is a serious doubt after being subbed with an injury in their last game which only makes us England fans even more convinced that the fates have already decided where the Trophy is heading which means that this time around us English fans won't have the problem of who to cheer for once we are put out and the TV screen is covered in Theakston's finest barley and hops.

Who Is Scamming The Football Fans

Football fans are being warned about the risk of spending money on fake kits as fraudsters seek to take advantage of World Cup fever.
The Governments health and safety officers have said that they are working extremely hard to try to prevent scams and that 'Scammers are cunning and opportunistic' and 'callously trying to exploit people's enthusiasm for all things football'.
As football fans pay a 1,000 per cent mark up on replica England shirts which sells at an average £49.45 but costs less than £5 to produce, i would say the scammers are also the people who sell the real kits who are also exploiting people's enthusiasm for all things football.

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

For You, Fritz, Ze World Cup Is Over

I once made a joke here that us British have a word for taking pleasure at another persons misfortune, schadenfreude, and how Germany must wish they had such a word in their language but i got angry comments from German speaking members of the pedantic society who wouldn't know a joke if it sat on them so i won't make that mistake again especially as the Germans will not be in the best mood considering their team has just got dinked out of the World Cup.
Yep, the Winners of the last Football Fiesta are packing up their lederhosen and should be back in Berlin in time for Schnitzel and chips for supper.
As i said before, the Footballing Gods seemed to have decreed that it will be England who toddle away with the World Cup Trophy this time around, an easy qualifying group, an equally straight forward first round group stage and now with Germany out, the team we were penciled in to meet at the Quarter Final stage, it makes England’s path to glory even more inevitable. 
As there is a chance Brazil will park their carnival float in our path before the Final, all we need is for them to be knocked out by Serbia tonight and we won't have to face Neymar falling over theatrically everytime someone breathes near him.
For 90 minutes tonight, every English man, woman and child will be a honorary Serbian and looking up the Serbian for 'JUST HACK THE FECKING THING CLEAR!!'

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

Boris And Donny Sitting In A Tree...

Boris 'Piccaninnies' Johnson assure us, with one eye on transatlantic trade deals in the dystopian post-EU wasteland he has engineered, that we must respect the office of the president of the United States and increasingly admires the orange sex-pest in Office over there.
Boris 'Watermelon Smiles' himself described the current president, in 2015, as 'unfit to lead the United States', 'clearly out of his mind', and 'stupefyingly ignorant' in a U-turns any L-Plate driver would be proud of.
That Boris would appreciate the efforts of someone who admitted sexually molesting women, banned Muslims and supported Nazis is no surprise, his record of racism and sexual predator instincts are less than spotless.
The two can have a great chat when the Orange Moron lands in the UK in July although he is being steered away from London and is to be confined to Scotland where less people can join Boris Johnson is showing just how much they also appreciate the tiny penised handed racist.

Enjoy The CO2 Free Days Pigs

Ironic really that we have too much CO2 above our heads but not enough down on the ground to keep the drinks flowing as beer and cider rationing comes into effect due to a shortage of CO2 used in carbonated drinks.
Heineken and Coca-Cola face disruption but in a great bit of news abattoir are scaling back on murdering animals because they are running out of CO2 used to stun the animals before slaughter.
Andy McGowan, owner of the Brechin abattoir said he did not know when they would get a fresh CO2 delivery from their supplier and delivered the brilliant line: 'The top priority is animal welfare - we will not have ourselves in a situation where the welfare is suffering' which would be concern for the animals he is just about to smash a bolt through it's brain before chopping it up.
If it means less animals killed then i am more than willing to miss out on a few bottles of beer so enjoy the few extra days of sunshine piggies before the big bad men get their CO2 back.

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Why Does My Chicken Smell Funny?

For the second time in a week, one of President Trump's employee's has been asked to leave an eating establishment with the orange moron's press secretary, Sarah Sanders, being asked to leave the Red Hen Restaurant in Virginia after being told by the owner that: 'the restaurant has certain standards that I feel it has to uphold, such as honesty, and compassion, and co-operation' and then told her to sling her hook.
Sanders later bleated that the owner actions: 'say far more about her than about me' but if i was her i would have been happy to leave once she was recognised as the action's of the chef and waiters may not have been quite so polite.
If the stench of urine coming from their food when it arrived hadn't given them the idea that they had been recognised then the contents of several waiters noses in the gravy may have done so i say Sanders got away lightly, it's when they get noticed and the food still arrives that they want to be cautious.

Keep Calm And Carry On England

One thing us English are renown for is not getting carried away so after 8 goals in 2 games in the World Cup and qualifying for the next round with a game to spare it is a shame we are so reserved because we are absolutely, no doubt about it going to win the World Cup.
Although FIFA may as well cancel the rest of the competition and give us the trophy now we will just carry on and play the rest of the games and go through the motions because we don't want to be accused of messing up everyone else's TV schedules and imagine the hassle of having to refund everyone for the tickets already sold.
So let's keep our head out the clouds and our feet on the ground or at least until July 15th anyway when football will not only come home but will be bringing the World Cup trophy with it which will be a nice bonus for the football shirt makers who will have to now add a second star above the national badge.
Also, as Harry Kane is the captain, Tottenham fans will have the extraordinarily rare sight of a Tottenham player celebrating actually winning something so everybody wins but mostly us and definitely not the Brazilians, Germans, Spanish etc etc.

Disclaimer: As this post was written under the heavy influence of alcohol and too much sun the author claims the right to delete and deny writing it once England get knocked out by the first halfway decent team they meet.

Friday, 22 June 2018

Refugee Crisis 2018 Style

I'm sure when i was younger i remember appeals for refugees where they would ask for money to buy tents and blankets for people fleeing war zones and we would be shown miles and miles of poor buggers in tents with a couple of water taps and not a cage full of children in sight.
The life of a refugee in 2018, especially the ones fleeing warzones and poverty in an attempt to leave behind the problems caused by the richer nations of the world dropping bombs on their nations, is not a happy one.
Considering 'Made In The West' is stamped all over the slave camps in Libya and the bombs falling on Iraq, Yemen and Syria, us Europeans are decidedly reluctant to help the poor and downtrodden when they reach our borders.
America is rightly being pilloried for their inhumane treatment of refugees but just this week a boatload of them was turned away from Italy so we may not break up the families but seem perfectly fine with keeping families together and letting them take the gamble of not drowning in the Mediterranean.
The answer to any refugee crisis it seems is to not flee but stay where you are and either our humanitarian missiles or those of our allies will be along to blow up the bad guys real soon and given a fair wind and a bit of luck, we will try our best not to kill too many of you, we promise.

Melania's Coat

Donald Trump has never been big on immigrants apart from the ones he married and his latest foreign wife was always considered the less toss-potterish of the Trump clan but then she went and proved that indeed she really is a Trump by wearing a coat with the words 'I really don't care, do u?' while visiting children locked up in cages by her husband like the child-catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Of course it could just be it literally is just a coat she decided to wear that day as is the view put out by Mrs Trump's spokeswoman but that contradicts the orange one's own tweet that explained it: 'refers to the Fake News Media', probably in reference to his affair with a porn star while she was recovering at home from giving birth.
Maybe she was putting out the message that she really doesn't care that her husband is a scumbag but maybe it was a message to her husband and not caring for his policies which include incarcerating kids but by far the most popular view is that she was belittling people's concerns about what her awful husband has been doing in his quest to Make America A Laughing Stock Great Again.

Just Say No

For some reason there seems to be a call for legalising cannabis and the justification is that alcohol and cigarettes are legal so let's do something for the weed smokers and legalise the drug's recreational use.
I guess the argument makes sense if you are a regular user of cannabis but to anyone without the muddled mind of a stoner it is like saying there are two ways to cause immense damage to yourself, so we may as well introduce a third.
My thinking is if alcohol and cigarettes were only just discovered and people were trying to introduce them today, would we be saying despite knowing the immense social and individual harm they cause,  the Government should give their consent to them being consumed?
Any answer other than 'What The Feck, of course not' then you have been tugging a bit too long on the funny fags and i use you as evidence to support my case that taking the side of the argument made by people not firing on all their brain cells is not a good idea.
Next week, why we should drink more milk by the Milk Marketing Board.

Boycotting American Goods Once I Find Any

As the Trade War between the USA and pretty much everyone else kicks into gear, i have decided to do my part and boycott buying all things American, problem is after a thorough search, nothing seems to have Made in USA stamped on it.
In response to Trump's tariffs on European steel and aluminium, the EU has imposed tariffs on imports of US cranberries, orange juice, sweetcorn, peanut butter, bourbon whiskey, cigarettes, cigars, cheroots, cosmetics, motorbikes, boats, jeans, leather footwear, swimwear, underwear and steel products.
As none of the above in my home are American, i guess i have unwittingly done my bit by not buying them anyway but i will make sure my next motorbike is not a Harley Davidson or my next packet of cigarettes Lucky Strikes especially as they will be 20% more expensive than good old European ones.
As American industries are going to have problems selling the few things they make in the EU, Russia, China, Japan, India, Mexico, Canada and Turkey, i can't see how easy to win this trade war is going to be for America and economists Trade Partnerships Worldwide are saying the S&P 500 index of U.S. stocks has fallen around 4% or $1.2 trillion already, but at least 450,000 jobs could go as well.
I'm sure there are some things made in America i can boycott but for now i will just carry on not buying things made in America until i can find something made in America i can purposely not buy.

Thursday, 21 June 2018

How Soon To Celebrate Third Reich At World Cup?

Watching the supporters at the World Cup, the question must be asked just how long is a decent length of time before murderous regimes become acceptable?
I can't see any German fans turning up in full SS regalia but the Third Reich was only 80 years old so far too soon but so far i have seen England fans dressed up as Crusading Knights and Scandinavians dressed as Vikings.
That the brutal Crusades which killed millions in the name of Christianity were 12th Century and the Viking raping, killing and pillaging invasions were in the 11th Century, obviously you need to give it at least 800 years before the murderous savages become cuddly figures to celebrate.
By the World Cup in 2818 we can enjoy the sight of Germany supporters in full Hitler costume complete with funny mustache and seig heiling their way to yet another victory.

Looking For The Other Irsael

I have been poring over an Atlas to find the other Israel, the one that the Americans say have been unfairly criticised at the United Nations and the reason why they are pulling out of the UN Human Right Council.
That Trump is berating anyone on Human Rights while caging children is laughable but i'm perplexed by exactly where this Israel is that is being picked on by the United Nations.
It obviously can't be the Benjamin Netanyahu run Israel because last time i looked they had just killed 110 unarmed Palestinians and injured a further 14,000 for protesting against the 70 year military occupation and monstrous border wall deemed illegal by the international court of justice.
That since they forcibly took over Palestine they have invading at will and built apartments on occupied land in defiance of United Nation Resolutions and have broken another 65 UN resolutions and have a secret nuclear weapon program and up to 400 nuclear warheads so it can't be that Israel that America are standing up for.
That particular Israel has scuppered peace talks at every turn, hold over 9,000 Palestinians in its prisons, destroy farms, bulldoze homes and businesses, use Palestinian children as human shields and have been accussed of war crimes on numerous occasions so there HAS to be another Israel because nobody would want to be seen backing this Israel and accussing anyone of bias, especially
not a nation run by a racist sex-pest with a iffy record themselves including starting illegal wars, backing terrorists and dropping nuclear bombs.
I will have to keep looking through the Atlas i guess.

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

Revisiting The PIIGS Nations

When the Global economy had it's latest of a long line of hiccups in 2008, the PIIGS nations were targeted at the countries that would be hit the hardest and so after a decade of turmoil and austerity, how are the PIIGS doing?

P is for Portugal who had a debt of 71% of GDP and after going down the punishing austerity route and a loan of €79.0 billion from the International Monetary Fund (IMF), and after a decade the debt stands at 126% of GDP so not a resounding success.

I is for Italy who have recently seen their government collapse amidst a stagnant economy that in 2008 had a debt of 120% of GDP and a decade on the debt has increased to 139% of GDP and rumours persist that Italy will leave the Euro to try and get a grip on a basketcase of an economy.
I is also for Ireland who were on the verge on bankruptcy in 2010 until a €67.5bn loan from the European Central Bank and IMF bought them some time and despite dramatic austerity measures the debt of 42% of GDP in 2008 is now 68% today.

G is for Greece who made all the headlines with a debt at 109% of GDP in 2008 and despite eyewatering austerity which led to riots, strikes and the collapse of the government who have borrowed €230bn so far to stay afloat and are expected to return to the IMF and European Central Bank to ask for more, the debt per GDP today is a staggering 180%.

S is for Spain who saw the collapse of its banking system and a €100bn loan from Brussels amidst internal turmoil with some regions attempting to break away as it juggled a debt of 102% of GDP. The only one of the PIIGS who have seen their debt decrease, although at 99% of GDP today it is nothing to get excited about.

In all, the five nations who where most hardest hit by the 2008 economic crisis are still in a whole lot of bother despite loans of almost €500 billion between them and a decade of cost cutting, austerity, collapsing governments and general misery for their citizens.

Whatever they are doing isn't working very well but they will continue to do it anyway.

Monday, 18 June 2018

Bible Say's Caging Kids Is Okay: Romans 13

I don't really know much about the American Government's decision to separate children from parents who are accused of illegally crossing over the American border but seeing who is heading the Government, it's obviously awful.
Even Trumps wife, Melania, has spoken out against it as reports emerge of children being held in cages at a warehouse in Texas after being separated from their parents. One cage had 20 children inside.
The chorus of criticism has been quickly rising and even the UN human rights chief, Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein, called the policy 'unconscionable' as the Government put the number of separations at 2,000 since April when the US attorney general, Jeff Sessions, announced a new 'zero-tolerance policy' to prosecute every migrant who crosses the border illegally.
Reporters who have toured the facilities where families are separated by border patrol officers describe hundreds of children wrenched away from their parents and waiting in cages with concrete floors and foil blankets.
Jeff Sessions has defended the administration’s policy by reaching for the Bible and quoted the same passage that was also used to justify slavery which you would have thought would tip him off that he was on rocky ground.
'I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained them for the purpose of order' Sessions said, 'Orderly and lawful processes are good in themselves and protect the weak and lawful'.
Later, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders summed up the same idea: 'It is very biblical to enforce the law'.
So tearing families apart and putting kids in a cage is perfectly justified in the Trump administration as it was in 1850 when Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act which allowed escaped slaves to be forcibly returned to their owners.
While nothing the idiot Trump does should surprise us, the image of kids being dragged away from their parents and held in cages and using the Bible to justify it should be a lurch towards authoritarianism that anyone with a moral compass should be up in arms about.
That said, the American right-wing religious nuts who support Trump are not known for their ability to judge what is right and wrong, the amazingly awful gun laws they uphold are a case in point of that so why would they care about the uncivilised, inhumane and cruel way the children of immigrants entering and living in the USA are being treated.

Implications Of The Rise Of The Sexbots

The growth of AI and robotics is scary but for some it's not growing fast enough but not because they welcome the advantages robots can bring to humans but because they want to have sex with them.
There are currently four companies today sell adult, female sexbots, and they explain that they can help people have safe sex and lessening exploitation and sex trafficking, decreasing instances of predatory behaviour and curb the spread of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
A British study probing an increased use of sexbots is not so sure the future is quite so rosy though and think things will be considerably worse as it will reinforce the idea that women are sex objects and should be constantly available for the pleasures of men. Researchers say such an outlook could lead to the further victimisation of women and children and increase instances of malicious sexual behaviour.
They evaluated the arguments for and against the sex robot industry and assessed: 'While a human may genuinely desire a sexbot, reciprocation can only be artificially mimicked and instead of lessening loneliness, these robots might make us crave human contact more'.
They conclude that eventually, those who use sex robots could find it difficult to navigate a romantic relationship with an actual human being.
Researchers also found absolutely no evidence that interaction with a sexbot would make children safer or decrease sex trafficking and it might, instead, normalise such acts to the predator themselves and therefore make such heinous incidents more common.
If the rise of the robots isn't scary enough, the creepy men most likely to use them for sex are about to get a whole lot worse.

NHS Was Never Safe In Tory Hands

'The NHS is safe in our hands' so said David Cameron when he became Prime Minister in 2010 but the NHS has been anything but safe as one of their first actions was to slash the annual budget increase from 4% to 1%.
Since 2010, the budget has gone up by 8% while historically it should have gone up by 32% which means they are actually 24% down on the deal or in cold hard cash, with an annual budget of £100 billion, its got £1 billion a year instead of the required £4 billion so since 2010 it should have got £32 billion but it has only received £8 billion.
Surprise surprise the NHS is struggling but the Government have rode in to help and are handing over £20 billion which is still £4 billion less than the NHS needs to keep it's head above water. 
The Government have said that tax rises will be needed to pay for the boost in NHS funding and nobody will begrudge 1p on Income Tax or National Insurance but what about when the other essential services such as Police or Education come knocking, they could make an excellent case for an extra 1p of tax for them also.
The taxation system is badly in need of an overhaul but regardless of the tax intake, the way it is divided out is down to the ruling Government and if they want to underfund the NHS, police or schools for their own ideological reasons, that will continue regardless.

Football Finally Coming Home?

For England fans this is the best bit of any tournament, there is still hope in hearts and a chorus of 'Football's Coming Home' in our lungs as we have yet to be disheartened by the sight of the opposition striker wheeling away in celebration as our goalkeeper lays on the floor with the ball nestling in the net behind him.
Or rather, that's how it used to be because this World Cup things are going to be different and yes i know that we say that every World Cup but the fates are conspiring with us this time.
A relatively straight forward group stage and last 16 match up with the hiccup coming in the formidable shape of either Brazil or Germany in the Quarter Finals but after that Super Sunday which saw Brazil draw with Switzerland and Germany beaten by Mexico, our path may have been cleared of the two best teams in the competition giving us an easier ride.
England face Tunisia at 7pm tonight, the first match in what could be the first step to Football actually coming home.
In the real world though we all know England are not serious contenders to win it and we all suspect they’ll draw with Tunisia, beat Panama and lose to Belgium before scraping through to get beaten in the second round by a bunch of South Americans but as of the moment, five hours before our first game, we believe that come Sunday 15th July, it will be the hand of an Englishman holding aloft the trophy and after half a century of going elsewhere, Football is finally coming home.

Saturday, 16 June 2018

VAR Not Good For Football

I wasn't a fan of Goal Line Technology (GLT) when it came in and i am certainly not a fan of the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) either, i'm all for leaving it down to the referee and linesman to decide whether the ball crossed the line or the striker was fouled or dived.
My teams have been on the end of so many dubious decisions for and against them and the debates about it afterwards are part of the game and i like that and as we are finding out, even with VAR the decisions are just as debatable only we have to stop the game to discover it or as happened today, stop the game minutes after the incident.
Now, we have to wait for the pantomime of the review process to be played out and there were a couple of wrong calls today despite VAR.
As it seems VAR is going to become part of the game, it needs to be tweaked so either the referee can request it if he is unsure or his line of sight was blocked or give each manager two challenges per match because as it stands, with each big decision being reviewed as par for the course, the matches are going to be disrupted far too much and change the game we love, dodgy refereeing decisions and all.

Philip Fisher: Body Shamer

For someone who is supposed to be reviewing an actresses acting skills, the British Theatre Guide's Philip Fisher does seem to have a liking for reviewing their body shapes also, twice criticising Nicola Coughlan who is currently starring in The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie as 'an overweight little girl' and previously calling her 'a fat girl'.
Coughlan replied to the review by tweeting: 'My weight has no relevance to either the performance I gave in that or in The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie' which is true as the lack of hair doesn't stop Mr Fisher from being a bullying, body shaming numbskull.
In his pinstripe suit, dreadful tie and the smug smile you would be forgiven for thinking that Mr Fisher is an accountant but when he isn't fat-shaming actresses, he IS an accountant and hands out tax advice on AccountingWEB where his columns include the riveting reads 'The accountant’s guide to traditional marketing' and the unmissable 'Taxation of self-funded work-related training' which he describes as: 'One of the most exciting tax-related announcements to emerge from Philip Hammond’s inaugural Spring Statement'.
As Nicola is being berated by someone who finds the taxation of work related training exciting i think it is safe to say the nerdy looking, body-shaming Fisher can be ignored as someone who can only wish he had an ounce of the acting talent Nicola has to be on the boards rather than shamefully sniping from the sidelines.      
Coughlan has since quite rightly banned Mr Fisher from reviewing any show that she is in and asked if she could 'cruelly review' his body and post it online but he has not yet replied although i doubt if he would be so keen to have his own puny physique mauled as he is to review women's bodies.
The British Theatre Guide has apologised to Coughlan, saying: 'While the reviewer may not have intended to offend, he accepts that it is not acceptable to use such descriptions in a review and not BTG policy' which leads us to question if neither Fisher or the BTG think that calling someone 'a fat girl' and 'overweight' is intended to offend, then what do they consider IS offensive?

Insulting Footballers

Russian MPs have prepared a bill introducing fines for public statements insulting the players or coach of the Russian national football team, saying that moral climate was an important condition for sports victories.
The bill has been prepared by a group of lawmakers, headed by MP Vitaly Milonov who explained that: 'They represent our state and the scoundrels who insult them insult the whole nation. We will fine them 10 thousand rubles, in this case they will not have enough money left to buy beer and crisps'.
We can only hope that the English Government doesn't being in anything similar because going by recent World Cup performances, insulting our nations footballers is all we have and if Phil Jones ever gets near the action the nations football fans are going to be financially ruined.      
England start their campaign on Monday against Tunisia and hopes are high as they usually are before the tournament starts, then the doubts start to creep in once they actually start playing.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

US And UK Economy Grows The More Yemini's Killed

You don't hear much about the ongoing war in Yemen which is how the West would prefer it considering that we are directly complicit in the carnage being inflicted there.
After three years of conflict, it has been estimated by Amnesty International that out of a population of 27.4 million, 22.2 million people are in need of humanitarian assistance, 17 million are food insecure, 14.8 million lack basic health care, 4.5 million children are suffering malnourishment, while 2.9 million people are internally displaced and the latest death toll is 10,000 with 50,000 injured.
Now the Saudi's have unleashed a massive air, land and sea offensive against the city of Hodeidah, one of the last remaining points of entry of essential humanitarian aid into the beleaguered country.
Amnesty International have condemned the action as: 'Hodeidah's port is crucial to a country that is 80% dependent on imports to meet basic necessities. Cutting off this crucial supply line would further exacerbate what is already the World's worst humanitarian crisis'.
Yemen is being crushed between a proxy war between Iran and Saudi Arabia who have the backing of those hot-spots for international peace, the US and UK who have been busy replenishing the Saudi weaponry, US arms sales to the Kingdom consisting of over 50% of all US arms exports.
The UK arms sales teams have also been busy, selling £4.6bn of weapons to the Saudi's since the conflict started in 2015 alone with Saudi Arabia now the biggest market for UK arms sales.
Tory MP, Andrew Mitchell, has lambasted his own Government for the UK's 'shameful complicity in the suffering of the Yemeni people' but unless more Government members speak up at the awfulness of backing the vile Saudi regime, the UK and US will continue to rely on the Saudi's buying our weapons to kill and injure Yemeni's to plump up our sagging economies.
The more weaponry they deploy to kill Yemini's the more we are there eager to sell them more to replace the ones used and worsen what is already the World's worst humanitarian conflict.

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Trump's New BFF

They say a camera puts ten pounds on you so the amount of cameras pointing at Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump this morning must have been tremendous as the two of them squeezed through a very, very wide doorway together and heralded in a new age of whatever they signed up for because nobody seems to know.
What we do know about the meeting between them is that the signing ceremony was delayed due to them taking an extended lunch which was no surprise considering it was the two most well fed world leaders chowing down and that North Korea agreed to work towards denuclearising the Korean Peninsula at some point in the future when they get around to it between now and whenever. 
Mr Trump said America's joint military exercises with South Korea would be halted and that the meeting: 'had gone better than anybody expected' by which he meant he hadn't felt up the waitress or dribbled sauce down his tie.
I'm sure that the finer details will come out over the next few days but its nice to see jaw-jaw rather than war-war even if the American President has just called 'talented' and guaranteed the safety of the most brutal dictator on the Planet, who sends assassins to kill his half-brother with VX nerve agent and has 100,000 political prisoners locked up and tortured.
Now that France's Macron is distancing himself from Trump, Kim is his new BFF or at least until he Tweets something derogatory and Kim threatens to make the West coast of America into a smoking hole again anyway.

Scientific Proof Men Are Getting Dumber

Science has asked the question 'Are men getting dumber'? The correct answer is yes, obviously, next question but that would make this post far too short and i get paid by the word so let's try and pad this out a bit.
Scientists believe they have identified a reversal in something called the Flynn effect, where IQs rise by points each generation but for the owners of a Y Chromosome, the men in white coats think that this was only true until the generation born about 1975, coming of age in the 1990s when the next generation of men became dumber by the year.
The Flynn effect refers to the trend of a gradual rise of about three points each decade in average IQs, which has been observed for 70 years but scientists at the Raglar Frisch Centre for Economic Research in Norway analysed the IQs of 730,000 men during 1970 and 2009 and found a drop equivalent of seven points per generation.
Stuart Ritchie, a psychologist at the University of Edinburgh, told The Times: "This is the most convincing evidence yet of a reversal of the Flynn effect' so next time you husband, boyfriend, brother of father acts a bit thick, take pity of them because they probably are.

Please note: Any typos or grammatical errors in this post are deliberate and a fiendish ploy to catch out any male readers 

Monday, 11 June 2018

Leave Canada Alone

Of all Great Britain's children, Canada is the one we boast about to other nations, the clean cut polite one of our offspring that everyone likes.
America is the one the one we tend not to mention, the noisy troublesome one we try and forget about springing from out empirical womb so when America takes a pop at Canada, there is only one winner and that's the one with the massive leaf on it's flag.
'Canada stabbed us in the back' whined the Americans after Canada had the god damned cheek to not just lay down in face of American tariffs and imposed their own back. 
In a fit of toddler tantrum, and already in a sulk because the others wouldn't let his best friend Russia play with them, Trump pouted and took his communique home so the others couldn't have it.
I'm sure the former CIA director, John O Brennan is right when he says to Americas friends and allies: 'Trump is a temporary aberration' and 'The America you once knew will return' but what is left of America when his boated carcass is dragged from the White House is anybodies guess, the mess George W Bush of Americas reputation took years to clean up, Trump is trashing it for a generation and everybody has Canada's back while lining up to stab knives in this current version of Trumps America.

Friday, 8 June 2018

Evidence Of Life Found On Mars?

It may not be little green men but NASA's Curiosity rover has discovered signs of life on Mars, in the form of organic molecules embedded in sedimentary rocks and variations of methane in its atmosphere.
Evidence has been discovered on the red planet that suggests Mars could have supported life in its ancient past, NASA has announced.
Studies of the Martian atmosphere have also revealed the presence of methane that could point to life currently existing on the planet.
Coupled with previous discoveries that Mars’s ancient climate allowed liquid water to pool on its surface this new discovery is further evidence that the planet was once habitable.
For the past six years the Curiosity rover has been rolling around the Martian landscape, drilling into the ground and analysing rock samples for evidence of life and is due to be joined by the Mars 2020 rover mission which will search for more organics on the surface and just below.
Michael Meyer, lead scientist for NASA's Mars Exploration Program answered the inevitable question 'Are there signs of life on Mars' with 'We don’t know, but these results tell us we are on the right track'.
Brilliant stuff.

Own Up Canada, You Set Fire To White House

If we needed any further proof that America is being run by ignorant idiots, two further examples today from the chuckle factory that is the White House.
First up involves the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, who while in a discussion with the University educated American President, Trump accused Canada of burning down the White House in 1812.
Hard to pin that on Canada, considering that Canada didn’t exist then but i'm sure Mr Trudeau was far too polite to reply with 'For Christ's sake read a history book you ignorant moron' which was the only proper answer.
Then while we where still taking that in, taking a step forward was the State Department spokeswoman, Heather Nauert, who cited the D-Day invasion as an example of America’s 'very strong relationship with Germany'.
D-Day is not really the thing you want to cite when you're talking about the strength of the relationship between the U.S. and Germany and a wag on Twitter came up with the excellent line: 'You have six months to educate Heather Nauert on the history and significance of Pearl Harbour before she cites it as an example of strong US-Japan relations'.
That the disgracefully ignorant President is surrounding himself with disgracefully ignorant people is no surprise but this golden age for journalists and comedians is the present which just keeps on giving.

The Movable Retirement Age

I have been pondering if the age of retirement should be raised as the current Government seem to have a penchant for, or lowered.
By raising it from 65 to 67 as the Government did recently, the state doesn't pay out until two years later and to be bluntly honest, there are less 67 year olds than there are 65 year olds so the amount they have to pay out is less but that means people stay in employment for a further two years meaning less jobs available.
On the flip side, if the retirement age was lowered by two years, the Government would have to pay out state pension earlier and there are a lot more 63 years olds than 65 year olds but there would be more jobs available so they would save in having to pay out unemployment benefit.
Currently the cost to the Government for state pensions is £164 billion while the bill for unemployment benefits is £55 billion so it suits the Government to pay out unemployment benefit and keep the pensioners in work for a further two years and have less of them reaching 67. 
The contentious point is that through National Insurance contributions, the pensioners have paid in for their state pensions so it seems a bit cruel to make them wait a further two years to receive what they have paid for and it only needs some bright spark to realise hang on, we can make further savings if we move it to age 69 as there are a lot less 69 years old still knocking about.

Thursday, 7 June 2018

Tell The High Street The Economy Is Picking Up

The Government has once again said the economy is picking up but nobody seems to have told the High Street as yet another shop faces going to the wall.
A string of retailers and restaurant groups have fallen into administration in recent months, such as Toys R Us, Maplin, Warren Evans, Carphone Warehouse and Jamie Oliver’s restaurants.
Others, including House of Fraser, Mothercare and Carpetright, have resorted to company voluntary arrangements (CVAs) to close outlets and lay off staff.
Tesco is shedding 1700 jobs, Marks & Spencers 380, Sainsburys 2000, Morrisons 1500, Debenhams 320, Warren Evans 287, New Look 980, Prezzo 500, Littlewoods 1992, Carluccio's 500 and Poundworld 5000.
More than 40,000 retail and restaurant jobs have either been lost already or are at risk and a walk through any High Street and the rows of boarded up shops show that whatever measure the Government are using for the economy picking up, it is a very different one than the rest of us.

Trump Offering Kim An Unacceptable Offer

Big hopes for World Peace following the Kim-Trump chinwag next week but when your hopes rely on the two biggest kids in position of power hope is a long stretch.
Of course we hope it all goes well and on June 13th we all wake up to rainbows and lollipops but i have a bad feeling that things are not going to go as we hope.
Nations have long played the game where they meet up, one of them makes unrealistic demands of the other and use that as an excuse to walk away, or make military moves, and blame the other guy.
Israel have done it to the Palestinians for decades, most notably at the peace talks at Camp David where in return for Peace, Israel demanded they keep 80% of their illegal settlements and refugees permanently denied the right to return to their homes, a deal even US president Jimmy Carter commented later: 'There was no possibility that any Palestinian leader could accept' and the
failure was put on on Yasir Arafat for not accepting.
In 1999, the US and Kosovans met with representatives from Yugoslavia and demanded complete independence for Kosovo and allow NATO personnel unrestricted passage and unimpeded access throughout the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia and immunity from all legal process and laws governing any criminal or disciplinary offences which may be committed by Nato personnel.
Deal rejected by the Yugoslavs, who were then painted as the aggressors, paving the way for war.
Already Donald Trump is demanding 'complete, verifiable and irreversible denuclearisation of North Korea' and stating that 'the U.S. will not be lifting sanctions, until North Korea has substantially dismantled its nuclear programs' meaning that the North Koreans will gain nothing in return for this one-sided destruction of their defences, until the process is all but complete.
That Kim has already said that they will not become another Iraq or Libya who were disarmed and then invaded by America, the odds of a deal being brokered is slim to none.
As America has already said it is guaranteeing Mr. Kim’s safety and to make his country rich, you can already hear the inevitable accusations that Trump’s 'generous offer' has been rejected and the United States can move swiftly on to the next phase, safe in the knowledge that the North Koreans have been painted as the ones refusing to accept peace. 
I may be wrong but history shows that making the offer of an unacceptable offer is a tried and trusted ploy of the real aggressors.

Sweden Channeling It's Inner Odin

In May, Sweden issued a brochure to all it's citizens called 'If Crisis or War Comes' containing advice on how to take shelter, what foods to stock, how to manage water reserves and, most importantly, how to tell propaganda from trustworthy information.
The booklet is designed to prepare the populace in case of all-out war and now they have followed that up with the call up of it's entire 22,000 reservist Home Guard force for exercises.
The Swedish Supreme Military Commander said it was: 'to strengthen Sweden's military defence and improve our operational capabilities' but you do wonder just what Sweden are planning?
Should Norway or Finland start worrying or are they channeling their inner Viking and have their sights set on the raiding the North of England again like last time they got a bit uppity?
We should probably watch those Thor movies just in case.

Computer Say's England Out In The Quarter Finals

At some point in the past England was invaded by the Saxons and the Normans which is enough to allow us to claim French and German heritage when it comes to who to start backing once England get knocked out of the World Cup but according to Sports Data Company Gracenote, that won't happen until the Quarter Finals.
That calculation is based on one million simulations of the World Cup run by Gracenote, with points awarded for each match based on the probability of a win/draw/defeat based on the ranking of each side as they proceed through the competition.
If England win their group, and there is a 71% chance they will, they will face either Poland, Senegal, Colombia or Japan from Group H in the last 16 and are predicted to have a 41% chance of progressing.
The problem comes in the shape of Germany or Brazil who are waiting for us in the last 8 and our odds of beating either of these drops to a pathetic 18%.
In all England have 4% chance of winning the whole shebang and bringing the World up to our green and pleasant land with the most likely destination being Brazil's yellow and sandy land with a 21% chance.
So England out in the Quarter Finals and then it's either Komm auf Deutschland or Allez les Bleus, do it for Great, Great x150 Grandfather Heinrich or Pierre!

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Right Decision By Argentina

The head of the Israeli football association has said Palestinians have 'crossed a red line' by forcing the cancellation of friendly match against Argentina in Jerusalem.
Not literally crossed any lines of course, they would have been shot dead in large numbers by the IDF and labelled terrorists if they did but a figurative red line after protests by pro-Palestinian groups against the match in Jerusalem.
Israeli defence minister Avigdor Lieberman tweeted: 'It's a shame that Argentina's footballing nobility did not withstand the pressure from Israeli-hating inciters' but the Argentine foreign minister, Jorge Faurie, suggested the Argentine players 'were not willing to play the game'.
Striker Gonzola Higuain said they had done the right thing as 'we felt that it wasn’t right to go'.
The country's about-turn comes as Israel continues to face fierce and correct criticism over its use of lethal force against Palestinian protesters on the Gaza border which left 125 dead.
Argentina need to be congratulated for taking the correct moral stance and we can only hope that more nations take a leaf from their book and swerve Israel until it ends it's occupation and murderous land grab of Palestinian land.
Scratch up another success for the movement to support the oppressed Palestinians, more boycotts and sanctions against Israel please.

Sunday, 3 June 2018

Brexit No Deal Armageddon

No deal is better than a bad deal so said Theresa May at the start of the Brexit negotiations but thanks to a leaker at the Home Office, we now know exactly what a no deal would entail, and like Boris Johnson's haircut, it isn't good.
Whitehall officials are reported to have drawn up three different scenarios for a cross-government group preparing for Britain's departure from the EU and the second worst scenario is the UK running short of medicines, food and fuel within two weeks of leaving.
According to the Sunday Times, the worst scenario is titled 'Armageddon' so heaven only knows what they think will happen with that because the second worst scenario is scary enough.
The leaked memo shows the Department for Exiting the EU (DExEUt) expect the port of Dover to collapse on day one, supermarkets in Cornwall and Scotland will run out of food within a couple of days and hospitals will run out of medicines and the country will be starved of petrol within two weeks.
A Whitehall source did little to calm fears by saying that the government has been discussing a range of scenarios and it was something that's been discussed extensively.
The Government have recently revealed plans to section off a 13-mile stretch of the M20 in Kent, which leads to the port of Dover, to hold around 2,000 lorries in the event of severe cross-Channel congestion.
MP's from all parties are now calling for the full paper covering all scenarios to be made public and whether the Government still think no deal is better because if they are planning to carry on with Brexit knowing what will happen and expect pandemonium and chaos, we need to know and put a stop to all this nonsense now before we sleep-walk into Armageddon.

Melania Trump Still Missing

The joke was that when Melania Trump went into hospital it wasn't to get her kidneys treated but to get a spine implanted so she could leave the fat oaf she is married to and although i'm not one for conspiracy theories, it seems waving goodbye to him may be exactly what she has done.
It has been 23 days since she was last seen publicly when she accompanied the tiny handed President to welcome home three Americans who had been released from detention in North Korea and four days later, the White House announced that she had successfully undergone an 'embolisation' procedure to treat a kidney condition, and that there were no complications.
She left the Medical Centre five days later and Twitter followers noticed that Melania then switched the location status on her personal Twitter account to New York City.
It’s nice to imagine that Melania, who like the rest of us does little to hide her contempt for her awful husband, has finally flown the coop and left her pussy grabbing, porn star humping husband after he heaped even further humiliation on her as no person should have to tolerate that from a man whose a compulsive liar, a self confessed sex offender and has paid $130,000 to try and hush up the sex with an adult actress outside of their marriage.
Hopefully she had the sense to sign a pre-nup and sends him skittering to a bankruptcy court for a sixth time but until we see Melania back to her old captive self, avoiding her husband’s hand like old times, we can all assume that something is amiss.

Saturday, 2 June 2018

June Could Bring End Of May

The whispers that the Conservative Party are looking to nudge Theresa May out of the Prime Minsters chair is one of those moments where you stop mid-cheer as you realise just who may replace her.
It is not hyperbole to say that Mrs May has had a rough ride since the debacle which was the 2017 election and the talk is of leadership challenges, critical Commons votes on Brexit and a landmark European Council meeting and Tory Party donaters getting the hump that she is not delivering.
The EU Withdrawal Bill pinging between the House of Commons, after the Lord’s defeated the government 15 times is a case in point means that her authority as prime minister as been severely weekend and earned her the wrath of Brexiteers who are still deluding themselves Britain is fighting for its independence from the EU.
The possible replacements being touted are Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson and Michael Gove who are hardline right wingers who would all usher in a quickening of the the Conservative Party decline but Ruth Davidson could be an inspired choice who could pause the Labour Party stroll to the next election, so they won't do that.
The smart money is on Michael Gove taking over if May is pushed aside but he is instantly dislikable and who us Labour Supporters are urging the Conservatives to go with.
The EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier is insisting that Britain and the EU must reach an agreement on the key points of the Northern Ireland border issue by the middle of June and May’s cabinet are hopelessly split on it and the Government’s handling of negotiations with the EU have been woefully poor.
The Conservatives have been awful in Government and Theresa May a poor Prime Minister but if the Tories do replace her with any of those being put forward it will usher in a Labour Government and a massive dollop of Socialism which should come as a relief after a decade of right-wing ideology which has done us no favours whatsoever. 

90 Days of Summer: Day 2

We are now officially on the second day of meteorological summer so it is quite impressive that i have already been sun burnt twice and been stung on the shoulder by something stingy so the next 88 days are going to see me smelling strongly of a mix of after sun and insect bite cream. 
As the solstice, or midsummer, comes on Day 21 of Summer, it always seems the seasons are a little out of whack that it arrives approximately quarter-summer and it would make more sense to have May, June and July as Summer so the longest day is in the middle of the season so someone back in the day messed up.
This Summer sees the World Cup in Russia when the World's top 32 footballing nations come together to kick a ball about for a couple of weeks to find out who is the best and it would not be in the spirit of the event to congratulate Germany on winning it so let's wait until July for that. 
I'm off on holidays for a large chunk of August so will probably put up some pre-written nonsense to keep the blog going while i spend hours in the early mornings of 12th/13th/14th August gazing at the clouds blocking the view of the Perseid meteor shower.
I'm not much of a fan of summer, to hot and humid for us pasty skinned types who seem to have skin most favourable for things with stingers so 88 days to go before we can put it all behind us and dig out the jumpers and boots again although i have got the coolest pair of Steampunk sunglasses for this year, until i sit on them of course.

Friday, 1 June 2018

Trade War!!

Trade wars are good, and easy to win apparently according to Donald Trump which is good news for him because it seems he is about to get one.
Immediately after the US announced the 25% tariffs on Steel and 10% on Aluminum would be imposed on the EU, Canada and Mexico, all three responded with tariffs of their own on American goods.
China are also placing wide ranging tariffs on American products and in one fell swoop Trump has large swathes of the World lining up to make it almost impossible for America to sell their goods in all the largest markets.
Can't understand Trump's thinking, one American trade group has put a total of half a million American job losses caused by the retaliatory tariffs so not sure this one will be so easy to win after all.
I guess if America is content to let someone who has been made bankrupt five times to run their economy then this is what they can expect from him.
I'm sure it will all turn out okay in the end, not so much for America but don't worry, you only got another two and half years of him and then you can start to rebuild your shattered economy and reputation.

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

Men's Summer Fashion To Forget

According to the Beach Boys, summer fashion includes T-shirts, cut-offs, and a pair of thongs but as Summer has arrived early the male population has already burst into life but some men seem to fashion what crisps are to haute cuisine and without Summer proper even arriving yet, the following crimes against male fashion have already been observed.    

Hawaiian shirts
If ever anything was enough to make us wish for the perpetual winter of Narnia, it's the garish Hawaiian shirt. The only time you can legitimately get away with wearing a Hawaiian shirt is at a Magnum reunion party or on honeymoon in Hawaii and if you think packing one of those in your suitcase is a good idea then if you are divorced before the first anniversary then you won't get any sympathy from me.

T-shirts with slogans
'It's not a bald patch, its a solar panel for a sex machine', no it's not, it's a bald patch on top of a git and there’s no such thing as a Female Boob Inspector and if there was i'm sure they don't advertise their services on their clothing.

Skimpy Singlets
Unless you are a professional wrestler or a lifeguard, singlets should stay in the closet. Nobody wants to see your armpit hair or the side cleavage of your moobs.

Short Shorts / Speedo's
I really don’t need to see that much of your thighs while shopping in Sainsbury's. Burn the shorts and we can all move on with our lives in proper leg coverings and in time the memory of what we saw when you sat down and manspread will hopefully fade.

Cowboy Stetson Hat

This hat is where fashion and style go to die holding hands. Looked good on James Dean and Clint Eastwood on the plains of the Wild West, doesn't look quite so good on you in Worthing Town Centre. There isn’t a haircut bad enough to warrant wearing this.  

Socks and Sandals
There must be something about owning a Y chromosome that makes men pull on a pair of white socks and sandals whenever the Sun pops its head out.

Croc Shoes
Experts say you should avoid Crocs as they do not adequately secure the heel and can lead to tendinitis, toe deformities, nail problems, corns and calluses but mainly you should avoid them because they look awful. The shoe equivalent of Donald Trump, both are far too large, far too ugly and nobody in their right mind would want to be seen with either of them.

Man Bun
'Hey! Look at my top knot! Don't I look cool?' Um, sorry but, no you don't look 'cool,' you look like an idiot.

Monday, 28 May 2018

Just A Coincidence

It may just be a massive coincidence that days after the Swedish Government hand out leaflets to its citizens on what to do if a war breaks out, the Americans are doing the same with a document released by the United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) explains what you should do in the event of a nuclear attack.

The EPA explain that you shouldn't drink any water from the tap or eat vegetables from home gardens and livestock shouldn't be allowed to graze in potentially contaminated pastures or fields.
If you are outside during a nuclear explosion then cover your nose and mouth and head inside immediately and close all doors and windows and turn off any fans or air conditioners or set them to recirculate. Using a gas mask or dust mask, if available, is also advisable. If you are unable to reach a building, getting inside a vehicle is the next safest option.
Remove your outer clothes and shower or use a wet wipe or clean wet cloth to wipe any skin that was not covered by clothing. Gently blow your nose and gently wipe your eyelids, eyelashes and ears with a clean wet cloth... Put on clean clothes and anything that has been contaminated should be placed into a plastic bag and placed outside.
Finally check official sources via the internet, radio, television and call lines.

I'm sure that it is just strange timing that nations are now warning their citizens on what to do in event of a war but looking around at some of the clownish Worlds leaders at the moment, it might be prudent to bookmark the Government website and lock in the Government radio station frequency on the radio just in case.

Think I'll Skip The Cockroach Milk Thanks

Apart from some of the more seedier places to dine, you don't immediately connect cockroaches with dining experience but that could be about to change as alongside the cow and goat on supermarket shelves we could soon be finding cockroach milk. 
More correctly it is post-natal fluid which is secreted from the insect in the form of crystals which according to researchers from the Institute for Stem Cell Biology and Regenerative Medicine in India, boasts many nutritional benefits.
'The crystals are like a complete food with proteins, fats and sugars. If you look into the protein sequences, they have all the essential amino acids' Sanchari Banerjee, one of the main researchers, told the Times of India.
It is said to taste rather like cow’s milk and follows a company who make ice-cream with milk derived from insects and eating insects whole is becoming a more common sight in western diets such as freeze-dried and dehydrated insects, from barbecue meal worm to salt-and-vinegar crickets and garlic chapulines.
Thanks but i think i'll stick with the semi-skimmed Cravendale.

Sunday, 27 May 2018

Hand's Off Until Debt Covered

Somehow, after a decade of severe austerity measures, the UK's debt is double what it was before the 2008 financial crisis but the UK Government are on top of it because they intend to force open a charity fund which was set up in 1928 by an anonymous benefactor on the condition that it must stay untouched until it had grown enough to pay off the national debt.
The amount donated 90 years ago was £500,000 and today stands at £475 million but as the UK debt currently sits at £1.7 trillion, someone with much better maths skills than i has worked out it represents just 0.06 percent of the country’s total debt.
Amidst the sound of goal posts being scraped along the ground, the Attorney General is interpreting the instructions of 'pay off the national debt' to mean 'put it towards paying off the national debt'.
To access the fund the Government will need approval from the High Court who i hope will tell Theresa May and her awful cronies to take a hike and leave it until as the benefactor wished, there was enough to payoff the total debt.
So leave it alone and let it build more interest to cover the whole amount but if you really are that hard up after your disastrous decade in power, use it to build a hospital or a school and if you are so broke because you can't run an economy properly, you could save £133 billion tomorrow by scrapping the useless Trident Nuclear missile system and a further £100 million a year by telling the Monarchy to stop scrounging off us and pay their own way.
There you go, problem solved. Economics really isn't that hard.

And Then There Was Four

Of the very special and exclusive club of the 12 men who have walked on the Moon, the death of Alan Bean brings the number remaining down to four.
The fourth man to walk on a land other than Earth, Bean was an astronaut on Apollo 12, the second lunar landing in November 1969. 
It is a sad fact that nobody has trodden on the Moon since 1972 and of the remaining four astronauts, the youngest is 82 so we could very soon have nobody alive who has walked on anything other than our own planet.  
After hanging up his Spacesuit, Bean became an artist specialising in Space art and using a speck of moon dust in all pictures, taken from his space suit.
'Im the only artist who can paint the moon' he said, 'because i'm the only one who knows whether that's right or not'.
With the focus now seemingly shifting to manned missions to Mars, we may not be adding to the 12 sets of footprints on our closest neighbour in space anytime soon and that not only seems such a waste of a practise site but a magnificent case of running before we can walk.

Buzz Aldrin 88
David Scott 85
Charles Duke 82
Harrison Schmitt 82

Alan Bean - Died 2018
John Young - Died 2018
Eugene Cernan - Died 2017
Edgar Mitchell  - Died 2016
Neil Armstrong - Died 2012
Pete Conrad - Died 1999
Alan Shepard - Died 1998
James Irwin - Died 1991

Friday, 25 May 2018

Back to the Future

'If there is such a thing as time travel' people say to me, 'how come we aren't seeing people from the future here today?'
I point them to the HG Wells Laws of Time Travel which states that you shouldn't do or say anything which may cause a ripple which results in them being stuck in the today without being able to return to their own time so they just observe silently so you wouldn't know if they were here or not.
That doesn't mean that some time travellers don't take a chance and try and warn us about future events and luckily for us 2018 seems to be a bonanza time for people travelling back to warn us.
People like Noah Novak who came from 2070 to tell us we can look forward to another four years of Trump presidency, as he wins a second term in office and in 2028 the first manned mission to Mars will successfully take place.
In March 2018, a purported time traveller known as W.D. Davis stated that he had arrived from the year 2200 and announced that future humans had developed a miracle food pellet which had eradicated world hunger, cancer had been cured and the average human life expectancy was around 200 years and people were living on Mars.
In December 2017, a man claimed to have travelled to 3207 as part of a top secret project by the Greek military to study a future war between humans and artificial intelligence but he only stayed for two days before coming back but was unable to give any details of what 3207 will be like.
It is not just the Greeks sending agents to the future as the American military sent an agent called 'Clara' to 3780 to bring back future technology for unknown, secret purposes.
If the Greeks were at the vanguard of fighting errant AI in 3207 it was still going on in 4000 according to 'John' who spent six years living in the future tackling AI running amok.
John stated in 4000 there are flying cars, birds, cats and dogs are almost extinct and can only be seen in zoos.
A thousand years forward in 5000 is where 'Edward' came from and as proof he bought a photo of Los Angeles submerged under the Ocean due to the melted polar ice caps with humanity surviving by floating on the waters in cities on huge wooden platforms.
Even further to travel has James Oliver who came back from 6491 and from another Solar System where humans have set up home but due to a malfunction with his ship when the time travel transmission was interrupted, he is stuck in the present until he fixes his transport home.
William Taylor was sent to 8937 by the British military to have a bit of a nosey around and reported back that humans as we know them have been replaced by part-human, part-robot species that enjoy eternal life. Unfortunately all the photos he took of this future world were confiscated by UK intelligence services on his return.
The furthest humans have gone into the future is 9428 where the Soviet Union sent an agent in 1987 to look for new weapons on a fact finding mission but little is known about his mission.

The future isn't looking so great according to the people who have been there with killer AI and cities disappearing under the oceans but if you see a man tinkering with a time travelling space ship then be nice and offer him your jump leads.

Katie Hopkins A Racist But Not A Druggie

Katie Hopkins has made a career out of saying pathetic and outrageous things and then getting sued for it so she decided that it was time to turn the tables and took the Daily Mirror to the Independent Press Standards Organisation for their story that she had been detained in South Africa after collapsing from drug use.
The Daily Mirror alleged that the right-wing numpty was detained for taking Ketamine however, that proved to be inaccurate as she was actually detained for spreading racial hatred.
After succeeding in her case, The Mirror was forced to issue an apology and went with the brilliant: 'A previous version of this article suggested that Katie Hopkins was stopped from leaving South Africa because of the consumption of Ketamine. We are happy to clarify that Ms Hopkins was detained for spreading racial hatred, which took place after the Ketamine incident'.
Probably the greatest apology ever although how happy Katie Hopkins is that she was successful in her fight to prove she was detained for spreading racial hatred and not for drug use is another question.
Not that she has much of a reputation left to damage anyway but a bit of an own goal and maybe she should have had the sense to go with people thinking she was a druggie rather than have it confirmed that actually she is an abhorrent racist but to be fair, we already knew that anyway.

Brits Saying Thank You

I blame my parents and being British for seeming to spend an inordinate amount of time thanking people for everything but all us Brits seem to be at it because new research demonstrates that Britons really do say thank you more often than anyone, coming top of eight cultures studied.
The study showed that in situations where expressing gratitude is an option, the British deploy thank you 14.5% of the time, whereas Russians say it just 3% of the time, and Cha’palaa speakers of Ecuador never do as their language doesn’t even have a word for it.
Luckily us Brits have plenty of ways of saying 'thank you' and some make it possible to say thank you without conveying any gratitude at all which confuses non-Brits no end.
You can say 'Thanks' or lengthen it to 'Many thanks' or even 'Thanks so much' but 'Thanks a lot' is usually reserved for conveying sarcasm.
Another saying for a show of gratitude is 'Cheers' and usually comes with 'mate' attached to make 'Cheers Mate' which is very informal as is 'Nice One' and both are really only used when someone had done you a favour or gives you an unexpected gift.
'Ta' is a thing for Northerners and children under 7 so might be better to avoid this unless you are geographically above Birmingham or have a Power Rangers duvet set. 
'Appreciate it' or 'much appreciated' is used more in writing so you would write: 'Thank you for not mentioning what happened in the store cupboard, i appreciate it'.
Something that is becoming more common is to call someone 'a lifesaver', 'a star' or 'a hero' and is something you would say to someone to thank them when they do you a favour along with much obliged but it's quite rare to hear that nowadays.
A minefield is 'You Shouldn’t Have!' which can be said dripping with sarcasm as well as appreciatively as is 'You're too kind' so it's a bit of a guess whether a Brit genuinely likes that gift if we say 'you shouldn't have' because we could very well mean that seriously, you really shouldn't have.
As we have so many ways to say 'Thank You', it's no surprise that we say it the most and have even developed a way of saying it while meaning the opposite.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, seriously, you really shouldn't have.