Euro 2008 Conclusion

Euro 2008 is over and it is the Spanish clacking their castanets together excitedly as they become the best football nation in the continent of Europe.
England, of course, were a load of old tosh and failed to qualify with Russia making it through at our expense and despite what the St George flag waving folk told us before the whole shebang started, England was not missed.
Our dour footballing style would not of contributed to more excitement on the pitch and i am almost certain that the sight of our boozed-up fans lobbing cafe chairs at groups of Germans would not of enhanced things off it.
What we did learn was that despite being labelled the worst German team for decades, they should never be written off or underestimated while the Dutch and Portuguese teams should be written off every time.
We also found out that the Italians, Swedes and French are past their best while Austria, Switzerland and Poland never reached the dizzying heights of being rubbish to start with.
Holders Greece proved that when they won it last time it wasn't a fluke as many suggested, it was a real life miracle and the Russia that swept so majestically past Holland in the Quarter Final were left bemused and dizzy as they got battered around the head with a rolled up Spanish flag in the semi-final.
Spain deserve to be Champions, they were easily the best team at the competition, but the most entertaining team by far were Turkey who have obviously spent the last four years practising the tactic of letting the other team take the lead and then pottering about until the referee was checking his watch and then launching one into the top corner.
Great stuff and it all whets the appetite for the new Premier League season where newly promoted West Bromwich Albion will attempt the same tactics as Turkey only without the scoring at the end bit.

Everyone's Feeling The Pinch

There is a pensioner in the news who's dwelling is badly in need of maintenance. The roof is in a state of disrepair and the stonework on the front of the building is literally falling off in chunks.
As is usual in these belt tightening times, the little old lady is facing a substantial bill to fix all the problems in her home and is appealing for funds to fix her crumbling home.
The home is Buckingham Palace and the pensioner just happens to be the Queen who receives £15m annually from the British taxpayer and is estimated to have a fortune of £280m so we have two options.
The first option is to take sympathy on the old dear and dig deep into the public purse and hand over the $40m needed for the repairs as well as the extra annual £4m requested for further upkeep.
Option two is to tell the cheeky moo to pay to get her own damned roof fixed.
But don't take my word for it, let's ask this minimum wage earning factory worker if he would mind paying more to the multi-millionaire Royal Family to pay for the upkeep of Buckingham Palace.
Didn't think so although i suspect it would be anatomically impossible for her to place it there Sir.

England Now Nuclear Weapon Free

When they are not being accidentally carried over US cities, the movements of the US nuclear arsenal are top secret but the USA have been kind enough to remove its nukes from Britain after the last 110 American nuclear weapons left in the UK were quietly removed from RAF Lakenhealth in Suffolk.
At a time when the United States are applying pressure on Iran over its nuclear ambitions, the US still has nuclear bombs in five European bases, in Belgium, Germany, Holland, Italy and Turkey although the issue is controversial and continually draws protests as has the new idea of placing US interceptor missiles somewhere in Eastern Europe.
A 2006 Greenpeace Survey showed that 70 percent of Europeans want to live in a nuclear weapons free Europe. The polling data also demonstrated that a sizable majority of the citizens in countries which host US nuclear weapons were unaware of their presence.
With the overwhelming response on finding out another country holds such devastating weapons in your country being to tell them to get them the hell off, the governments of several NATO countries have insisted that these weapons be removed from their territory. The US has previously removed their weapons from Canada, Greece, Greenland and Iceland who are all now free of US nuclear bombs.
Britain and France are the only nations in Europe with its own nuclear weapons although Britain is not averse to stashing its devastating armaments in other countries, during the cold war it hid nuclear weapons in Cyprus and Singapore without even telling the respective host Governments.
What this all means is that England is now free of nuclear weapons. All of our own nuclear warheads, missiles and submarines are stationed in Faslane, Scotland which will be well received this side of Hadrian's Wall and suits me as i live on the South Coast of England and as far away from them as is geographically possible, but ensures that our (Scottish) Prime Minister is not going to win any popularity contests up there anytime soon.

Israel Palestine Peace Holding...Just

Interesting that the shaky peace between Israel & Palestine is still holding although there is mounting pressure on Israel to respond to the 4 rockets that have been fired into Israel by Palestinian militants.
Probably suits many to depict Palestine as the one attempting to break the truce but of course there has been little mention that since the deal, Israel has continued raids into Palestinian territory, killing two people which prompted the Islamic Jihad rockets landing in Israel.
The tit for tat killings will probably sadly return but to see and hear the likes of Fox News urging Israel to 'defend itself against militants hell bent on wrecking the peace deal' is ignoring the fact that it if anyone, it has been Israel who have been doing their level best to wreck things since the announcement.
Just wanted to put this down as a marker for the inevitable future arguments over who broke this particular deal.

Feel Our Wrath Mugabe

As Robert Mugabe carries on doing his best impression of a despotic tyrant, the British Government have decided to get serious. No more mister nice guy, we have had enough and the foot is coming down. We are withdrawing his honorary knighthood.
I didn't even know he was an Honorary Knight, or to give him his full title 'Honorary Knight Commander of the Order of the Bath', but it seems the Queen deemed him a worthy recipient in 1994 for his work in liberating Zimbabwe from white minority rule and as a proponent of reconciliation with the white population. How's that working then?
Her Majesty goes dishing out Honorary Knighthoods to reward the Commonwealth citizens and non-British friends her Government regards as worthy folk around the world although as this episode shows, it can be all turn a bit sour afterwards.
Presidents Eisenhower, Reagan and Bush snr all got Hon. Knighthoods as have Bill Gates and Steven Spielberg but including Mugabe, there have been some glorious embarrassments.
German Emperor Wilhelm II and Japanese Emperor Hirohito were both on the receiving end of shiny British baubles before doing their level best to kill us and it was probably not that well received by the Romanian public when we gave a KBE and a hearty handshake to our pal Nicolae Ceaucescu, although we did snatch it back the day before he was shot.
Luckily Hitler never made the cut but probably the greatest faux pas was when we deemed his ally Benito Mussolini worthy. Il Duce got one in 1923 although it was rescinded in 1940. We don't just let anyone have them you know.

Why Not Human Rights For Apes?

They use tools, have rudimentary language and star in TV commercials moving pianos and drinking cups of tea, but now Apes are about to be given equal top billing on the evolutionary ladder with us humans by being granted human rights.
Spain's parliament is set to approve a new law giving the right to life and freedom to our closest relatives making it the first time any national parliament has issued human rights to non-humans but even more surprising is that this is happening in Spain where animal welfare usually includes throwing goats off church roofs and torturing bulls.
Interestingly scientists did originally place apes next to humans under the genus Homo but this proved controversial to the church and apes were pushed out into their own sub human genus, Pan.
Persuaded by the discovery that we share 98%-99% of our DNA with Apes which is closer than the relationship between donkeys and horses, New Zealand and Great Britain granted great apes rights as 'non-human hominids' with legal protection from animal experimentation, torture and slavery.
There have been growing calls for chimps and humans to be brought together under the same umbrella genus again but the question is what is the criteria that makes us humans and them apes?
We both have the ability to think, communicate, learn, use tools, share major blood groups, suffer the same diseases and viruses, feel emotions, dream, anticipate the future, show empathy and researchers in Japan discovered that chimps are better at numerical memory tests then humans.
It is hard to find a single redeeming quality that humans have that Apes don't share with us and to find exactly what sets us apart and makes us deserve a genus to ourselves because in the grand scheme of things, it seems we are as near damned identical as it is possible to be.

Psychic Predictions 2008: Update

As we are fast approaching the halfway point in the year, this would be a good opportunity to have a quick check on how the Psychic predictions for 2008 that the British Psychics at www.psychics.co.uk managed to foresee in January are getting on.

The Psychics predicted that:

1. The Beijing Olympics would be cancelled,
2. Earthquakes in California and Greece,
3. A hurricane greater than Katrina striking the US,
4. Panic as scientists discover that something healthy is actually the opposite,
5. India engaged in conflict,
6. A small nuclear detonation in the Middle East,
7. A major terrorist attack involving a missile,
8. The assassination of a major American politician,
9. A major volcanic eruption,
10 Riots in the UK,
11 Poignant space news
12 A white boat/ship with the name ELLE in the name making major news.

Hmm...not looking too good at the moment i admit, but the year is only at the halfway point so plenty of time to put that right although looking at the not very cheerful predictions above, maybe we should hope that the psychics were in a bit of a grumpy mood that day.
Remember, in accordance with the new laws governing psychics and mediums, this is just for entertainment and no money should be handed over to anyone claiming to predict your future. Unless you are terminally hard of thinking then email me at the address above to receive a personalised and in depth analysis of why your next bank statement will show an outgoing of £10, and all for the one time offer of £10.

Meet The Men Behind The Manhattan Declaration

Welcome to tonight's edition of the Weakest Link. Today's contestants are all signatories of the recently published Manhattan Declaration that sets out to dismiss the belief that climate change is man made.
We start with the strongest link from the last round, that's you Timothy Ball.

Anne: Timothy, which retired professor acted as a consultant for Friends of Science who are part funded by the oil industry?
Timothy Ball: Me.
Anne: Correct.

Anne: Robert M Carter, The Institute of Public Affairs is funded by Mining companies BHP-Billington and Western Mining Corp and oil companies Caltex, Esso Australia and Shell. Which global warming sceptic is a member of the IPA?
Robert Carter: That would be me Anne.
Anne: Correct.

Anne: Richard Lindzen, True or false, you act as a consultant to oil and coal interests and had your speech 'Global warming: The origin and nature of alleged scientific consensus' underwritten by OPEC?
Richard Lindzen: True.
Anne: Correct.

Anne: S. Fred Singer, which physicist runs the Science & Environmental Policy Project (SEPP) and has been a paid consultant for several oil companies and has received multiple grants from ExxonMobil to fund the SEPP?
S. Fred Singer: I do Anne.
Anne: Correct

Anne: Patrick J. Michaels, who has received funding from the German Coal Mining Assoc, the Edison Electric Institute, the Cyprus Minerals Company and the Intermountain Rural Electric Assoc. to fund his World Climate Review newsletter and blog?
Patrick J. Michaels: I have.
Anne: Correct

Anne: Robert C. Balling, Jr, which Geography professor had the Kuwaiti government pay for a version of his DVD 'A Heated Debate' to be released in the Middle East and conducted an ExxonMobil-funded study in 2002 entitled "The 2000 United States Historical Climate Network Update: What Changed?"
Robert C. Balling: That would be me Anne.
Anne: Correct.

Anne: Tom Harris, which former head of the Natural Resources Stewardship Project, set up this organisation on the initiative of the High Park Group, a lobby organization with clients that include the Canadian Electricity Association and the Canadian Gas Association?
Tom Harris: Me Anne.
Anne: Correct

Anne: Tim Patterson, which scientist is a member of both the aforementioned Friends of Science and the Natural Resources Stewardship Project?
Tim Patterson: Me Anne.
Anne: Correct.

At the end of that round you managed to bank billions between you from anyone who has an interest in kicking the Climate Change debate into the long grass so as well as all being thoroughly discredited, you are all the weakest link. Goodbye!

Guns N Roses: Chinese Democracy

For those of us that like their music loud and played by men with long hair and amplifiers turned up so loud you can actually feel your eardrums trying to escape your head, the late 80's and early 90s was music at its high water line.
If you spent that era being shouted at to turn that noise down while you played air guitar in your bedroom, then the news that one of the greatest bands of our time is on the verge of releasing its next album should leave you as pumped as Pee Wee Herman's rubber doll.
Thirteen years and over £6 million in the making, Chinese Democracy by Guns N Roses is reportedly slated for imminent release and tracks are already being downloaded after being leaked onto Torrent sites.
Axl Rose is the only surviving member from the original band which relied heavily upon the unsurpassed talents of Slash on his Gibson Les Paul Guitar although Brian May and Red Hot Chilli Peppers former guitarist Dave Navarro are said to have been drafted in to attempt the impossible and fill that particular gap.
With Rose one of rocks all time greatest frontmen and the chief writer on the G'n'R big hits such as Sweet Child O' Mine, November Rain and You Could Be Mine, the album promises to be an equal to any of the 5 others they have previously released and with the exception of only a handful of bands, we need a group like Guns n Roses because the music being put out today is depressingly bland.
It is also impossible to not like a band that annoy Jon Bon Jovi so much.

UK Leading The Way

Raise your glasses, run that Union Flag up the pole and break out the best China cups because good old Britannia is sitting pretty once more at the top of a global table.
Actually, it could be defined as a rather dubious accolade to pick up because the world table we lead is the league of weapons sales with shows that the United Kingdom is now the worlds number one arms exporter.
We are responsible for a third of all worldwide exports of military equipment and have just flogged 72 aircraft to Saudi Arabia for £4.4b which obviously does not contravene the Governments much trumpeted ethical foreign policy it drew up upon taking power in 1997 which promised they would refuse to sell arms to nations if there was a chance that they would be used for internal oppression, external aggression, or regional tensions.
Might be better not to mention that in 2006 we exported arms to 19 of the 20 countries identified as "countries of concern" for abusing human rights including Saudi Arabia, Israel, Colombia, China, Russia, Pakistan, Jordan and Turkey.
I expect the Government's best brains will have got together to construct a case for supplying these weapons to regimes that regularly hit the headlines for their human right violations.
Here comes the Trade Minister Digby Jones now to pick up the baton. He's bound to strike the right note of spin and half-truths to ease our concerns that we are a major contributing factor to the death and destruction happening globally.
"As demonstrated by this outstanding export performance, the UK has a first-class defence industry" he said.
Ok, maybe he won't then but at least we can be proud that the next time we watch the news and see a shell explode into a block of flats or a group of demonstrators cut down by a spray of bullets, we supplied them.
Brings a lump to the throat and a tear to the eye every time. Mostly to the victims families.