Church Etiquette For The Once A Year People

My philosophy is as long as you don't nick the candles or drink the holy water from the font it's all good but my neighbour, the Reverend, was today lamenting the lack of etiquette from the Church going public who only turn up at Christmas, usually after a few drinks or reluctantly dragged along by a spouse.  
Here the Reverend gives his guide to Church etiquette and how to avoid a loud tutting from the Bible thumping regulars.
Firstly, arriving late and wandering around loudly proclaiming that 'I can see one over there' while the service is ongoing is frowned upon as is getting there early and spreading out so your coat and bag get their own space while someone who has turned up every week throughout the year is forced to stand down the side. 
Christmas is a time for wearing silly headgear so while it is not a complete no-no to wear a turkey or Christmas tree shaped hat, it will probably obstruct the view of the person sitting behind and in all honestly, you do look bit of a berk.
Unless you are telling someone that their hair is on fire, you shouldn't talk during the service. People are there to listen to tales of their God getting another man's teenage girlfriend pregnant and they will struggle to hear the message from the pulpit if all they can hear is you discussing how you are foregoing the Brussel Sprouts this year as they give you terrible wind.  
Mobile Phone's should be put on silent as the sound of the 'Ride of the Valkyries' echoing around the building during Hark The Herald Angel is very off putting for the organist.
Regular church goers know that during the service there will be some standing during certain parts. There are reasons they stand up or sit down during the service, they are not just playing a game of musical chairs so just follow everyone else's lead.
Church is boring and the usual human reaction to being bored is to nod off but unless you have a medical condition, such as narcolepsy, you need to stay awake and especially if you are a snorer.
When the collection plate comes around remember to put in and not take out or if you have spent all your money on pre-Church cider, just pass the plate on without comment, all those wafers and bottles of wine aren't cheap you know.
Finally, make sure that you don't walk out with more candles that you came in with and no matter how thirsty you are, the font water is not drinkable, many babies heads have been dipped into it and it will taste of a mixture of baby shampoo and cradle cap.