Read This If You Plan To Set Fire To A Flag

The Flag burners are back on our TV Screens and they even had a good old stars and stripes bonfire in the Iranian Parliament which was outrageous as the flag burned so quick that they didn't even get to finish the first chant of 'Death To America' before it had burnt up.
If you are going to set fire to an America flag then you should do a bit of research as you don't want to be made to look stupid in front of the World's media by lighting a flag and it either not burning or going up in a flash.
I asked a textiles expert if you were going to get a good flame going on Old Glory, what fabric is the professional flag burners choice?
The ones to avoid are Spandex, Polyester and Nylon as they tend to melt and you don't get much of a flame although Acrylic, Acetate are better but not by much, the flame is the spluttering type and again it burns very rapidly.
A flag made of Wool would ignite very easy but also tend to go out and you don't really want to be fiddling around with a lighter in the middle of a baying crowd.
Cotton and Hemp also take well to a flame but again the flame is of the sputtering type which isn't very aesthetically pleasing so the expert has nailed it down to two types, Silk and a Rayon mix of half natural and half synthetic.
Both fabrics ignite quickly but importantly burn slower with a steady flame so giving you adequate opportunity to wave it around while reciting insulting things about Donald Trump's small penis hands before dropping it to the floor and grinding it into the dirt.
While the silk flags may be a bit more expensive, you will get a much more satisfying flame and burn and with so many American Flags being burnt in the Middle East, you want to give yourself the best opportunity of attracting the news cameras.

The US Flag Code

America, it seems, have a few obsessions ranging from making sure they keep guns handily placed around their homes for when the Government oppresses them, Israel, God and a new found passion for all things lavatorial from either smashing them up or dictating who can use them.
Other things they have a preoccupation for is their national anthem and the flag, the latter you can see being burnt in most Middle Eastern countries but such is the enthusiasm with the national emblem that they have a Flag Code which covers all aspects of etiquette in relation to the Stars and Stripes which is enshrined in law, including how to behave when someone starts warbling 'Oh, say Can You see...'         
So what should you do when the national anthem is played?
The code states that you must stand and face the flag, if there is one with the right hand over the heart, while military personnel and veterans should salute continuously throughout.
Hats or caps must be removed and while you do not necessarily have to sing along to the anthem, it is expected.
The Flag Code states that it should not be used for any advertising purpose or printed on any material for temporary use and should also never be part of a costume or sports uniform, or used as 'wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery' which may start a few Olympians worrying as they ran around to celebrate their success covering themselves in the stars and stripes. 
The flag should never be displayed upside down but surprisingly it is not illegal to burn the US flag and is actually encouraged as the code states that flags should be 'destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning'.
So next time the news shows a bunch of middle eastern men dancing around a flaming Old Glory it is not because your nation has just bombed yet another wedding ceremony by accident, don't take umbrage, they are merely destroying your national flag in a dignified manner as per the instructions of the US Constitution so rise up from that chair guarding the toilet door, take off your baseball cap, find a flag to peer at and sing along..'Oh say can you see by the Dawn's early light...'

A Return For Flag Burning

It doesn't seem that long ago that any budding entrepreneur armed with a decent supply of red, white & blue material and a sewing machine had an amazing business opportunity providing UK and US flags for people in the Middle East and Indian sub continent to set fire to.
Now, i can't remember the last time i saw a group of men dancing around a flaming Union Flag or even more amusingly, keeping hold of it until it gets too hot and then dropping it on their shoes.
The mid 2000's when the Bush/Blair administrations were in full throttle was the high water mark for flag burning but chanting about God while getting hot feet is so passé now or they have just run out of flags to burn.
It was always something that seemed to annoy Americans more than us Brits, we never really seemed bothered by the sight of flames licking around our flag but then Britain has never been much of a flag loving country anyway, far too American all that hand on the heart 'Oh say can you see' type of thing. 
With Donald Trump still in the race for US President and considering that America will be at war within 15 minutes of him donning the Commander-in-Chief badge, i wouldn't be throwing away that old sewing machine yet Mr Jihadi.
We may yet see the re-emergence of Muslims jigging around a piece of flaming material and blistering their feet so at least put on some decent shoes first, sandals are not the best footwear for stamping on a burning flag and even in the middle of jihad Health and Safety should be a concern.
Anyway, if an entrepreneurial jihadist is reading this, i can lay my hands on miles of Union Jack bunting left over from the Queens Birthday celebrations and i'm sure we can come to some arrangement the next time the masses congregate to denounce us.

New Flag For New Zealand

The New Zealander's are so fed up with everything thinking that their flag is the Australian flag that they are considering replacing it and the most popular choice is a silver fern leaf on a black background.
The New Zealand Flag is a few stars on a blue background with a Union Flag in the corner while the Australian one is a blue background with a Union Flag in the corner and a few stars but because foreigners keep confusing the two for some reason, New Zealand are to hold a referendum on what to replace the design with.
Judging by the reaction from excited Kiwi's on the internet, the black flag with the silver fern is very popular with more than few mentions of it looking like a bad ass Pirate flag which makes me wonder what sort of pirates books they read as kids if a bit of plant rather than a skull and cross-bones chilled the bones of their sailors.
Black flags are also associated with funerals and mourning and a cursory glance through the big book of flags doesn't show up one single black flag so it would be a unique choice. 
I do feel though that a flag should represent the country and fair play to New Zealand if it wants to change its flag to distance itself from its Antipodean neighbours but we all know that as soon as a New Zealander opens their mouths, we will just assume they are Australian anyway no matter what flag they have.

Earth Flag

Looking at the moon the other night, i was struck with the thought 'Does anyone own the moon'?
I did find that there is an 'Outer Space Treaty' which says nobody can lay claim to it as it is for all of mankind and nobody is allowed to put any weapons on it or testing weapons of any kind, conduct military manoeuvres or establish a military base on it or any other celestial body either.
There are a few American flags on it but as the Moon is 'for mankind', why didn't the Americans use something more representative of our planet and then i realised we don't have an Earth flag.
Does seem a bit of a oversight, especially as we are starting to creep outside of our own sphere and onto other planets and sticking flags in things is what we humans have always done.
Apparently there have been a few moves to agree to a 'Earth Flag' but none have really gained any traction so we are still flagless.
The obvious choice would be the Olympic or UN flag's but there are a few others that have gained recognition but my favourite would be the effort by James W. Cadle who designed the above in 1970. The blue circle representing Earth in the centre with a segment of a large yellow circle representing the sun and a small white circle for the moon, all on a black background has been adopted by SETI and is as close as we have to a 'Earth Flag'.
Maybe next time when China. America or the Russians land on the Moon or Mars or some other rock outside our atmosphere, we can plant the Earth Flag and not the flag of any individual country.

They Put A Flag On The Moon

I do like the American flag, it's colourful and the 13 stripes are a nod towards better times when Britain ran America and the 50 stars that represent American states now that the British don't run it and it has gone to hell in a handcart.
Of course there are many places you can see The Stars and Stripes such as any marketplace in a Middle Eastern country where one is usually being set fire to and also on the Moon.
Now at some point Aliens will come visiting us and they will probably pass by the moon and there they will see the Red, White and Blue sticking out the moon dust. Or will they?
We all know what happens when you leave cloth out in bright sunshine, it fades, and after 40 odd years i think there is a fair chance that what we have at the entrance to our planet is a large white flag not billowing in the lunar breeze.
Actually, there are six American flags on our Moon, all of which are now a brilliant shade of surrender white which makes me wonder what any visiting alien would think.
If they come in peace then it will probably reassure them that us humans are a lovely bunch of pacifists but if they are coming armed with intergalactic lasers to take over our planet and enslave us all then it isn't really the signal we want to send out before they arrive.
Would never have happened if America had stayed under British rule, mainly because it would have been Soviet Hammer and Sickle flags up there while America sat around drinking tea and wondering what happened to that Polish guy we hired to build our rocket.
Hopefully a Middle Eastern country will develop a space program and send one of their own up there, they will know what to do with a flag and a cigarette lighter and we will be spared an alien race thinking we are surrender monkeys and taking over the Planet.

Flag Burning Returns

As long as i can remember the television news would show people burning the British and American flags somewhere around the World but that has been strangely missing recently so it was nice to see the practise has not gone out of fashion and the people of Egypt have rediscovered that Old Glory goes very well with a box of matches. 
The anger and flaming stars and stripes are coming courtesy of the former President Morsi supporters who blame America for bankrolling the people who removed their man from power last week and their mood wasn't improved when it was announced that the US still intended to deliver F-16 fighter jets to the Egyptian military as well as continuing the $1.5 billion aid cheque.
Supporters of Morsi, protesting his removal, have been carrying anti-Obama posters.
'I have no problem with American people, I have a problem with American politics that tries to interfere with the way we want to live and that is not right' said one member of the Muslim Brotherhood taking a break to refill his cigarette lighter presumably.
Anti-American feeling is increasing in Egypt and not just amongst the people who go home smelling of smouldering flag, the Pew Research Centre concluded that eight out of 10 Egyptians are negative towards the US, with just 16 percent having a positive attitude towards the United States.
When it comes to President Obama, nearly three-quarters are unhappy with the way he handles American foreign affairs but he isn't doing so well in his own country with a Quinnipiac University survey released today putting approval for Barack Obama’s foreign policy dropping to an all-time low, with just 40 percent of Americans backing the president’s handling of international affairs.
For the reason America aids countries that hate them when it is $14 trillion in debt itself, you will need to ask Israel who have urged President Obama to keep subsidising Cairo.

What About Us Then?

Some call it the the Stars and Stripes, others say Old Glory or even The Star Spangled Banner but in some Asian streets it is mostly known as that pile of ashes over there.
It seems that you can't turn on a television lately without watching some pyromaniac Muslim dancing around a flaming American flag, especially after the film 'Innocence of Muslims' put in an appearance and rather predictably wound up a good portion of the Asian world.
While it might not be a good time for makers of inflammatory films that mock Mohammad, it is boom time for flag makers and irate Muslims with a box of matches.
'Whenever we have these demonstrations, I make 10 times as much money as normal' said the manager at Panaflex printers who charges 120 and 1,500 rupees depending on size and quality but all are guaranteed to catch fire easily which is, of course, important.
The Israeli flag is the second flag of choice for the arsonist but as hard as we look, our very own Union Flag is staying relatively flame free these days which beggars the question, are we not as worthy as Israel and America that our flag doesn't deserve a good burning also?
I understand that America with it's drones and foreign policy that seems to revolve around invading oil rich countries in your region and Israel with its policy of trying to start a war with a neighbouring country whenever there is a number in the month, but Britain is usually involved somewhere.
Granted it is mostly cheering from the sidelines and making the tea but we are one of the Worlds busiest arms sellers so there is a good chance that the bullet currently zinging through your front door has 'Made in Britain' stamped on it somewhere. 
We also have a decent record of supporting the guys who have been oppressing you for decades so come on Asia, give a little country who has long since lost its place in the World a bit of an ego boost and give the Union Jack a flick of that lighter because there are other nasty Governments around outside of Washington and Tel Aviv. 

Anyone Got A Light?

It seems that over the past decade the best business to be in is manufacturing the American Flag because it always seems that someone somewhere is setting fire to it for the benefit of a TV camera.
The latest pictures of Old Glory going up in flames are from California where a mob of Occupy protesters broke into the Town Hall and set their lighters about the American flag.
Now it might be argued that America is not the most popular country around the globe and the flag itself is not particularly ugly, the recently displaced Libyan plain green one took that award, but according to Flag Burning World, it is only the fifth favourite flag that is reached for when we want to show our dissatisfaction with world events.
The site has all the flags of the World and with one click of the mouse we can vent our anger and set ablaze the flag of our choice and with over 23 million flags burned so far, there is a lot of venting going on but just whose flag is the most crispy?
Not many people will be able to pinpoint Armenia on a map but over 751,000 people know where to find it's flag and set fire to it.
Second is Azerbaijan (696,070) and then Europe's most toasty flag is owned by Turkey (593,056) before the Israeli Star of David (241,000) and the Stars and Stripes (220,538) make up the top five.
The UK Flag is in the top half with 161,683, roughly 30,000 in front of the Australian flag despite my repeat clicking but the European nation that Internet users feel less inclined to fire up is Montenegro (82,940).
The people who make flags would do well to make less of the Barbados flag as it is the least burned flag (82,664), just ahead of Zimbabwe (82,842) which may have more to do with it being off the screen on the bottom right hand side rather than any love for Mr Mugabe.
Cuba (82,848) is close behind and then Honduras (82,850) and Cambodia (82,990) make up the most loved bottom five.
So next time on the news you see an American flag on the floor with flames licking around it and celebrating arsonists dancing around it, spare a thought for the Armenian flag because somewhere three of them are blazing away.

Is That Back To Front?

Here i present a picture of USA General David Petraeus handing over a well deserved bronze swimming certificate to some army chappy who looks very pleased with himself. Ma, Pa, throw away those water wings.
Now i guess it is fair to say that America has been involved in a few wars and conflicts down the ages. Therefore, it is also fair to say that whatever company is hired to make the army uniforms has a pretty sweet plum and have had since Thomas Jefferson left off impregnating the slave girls long enough to help pen the declaration of Independence.
With all that experience of sewing buttons and badges onto millions of uniforms, i think someone should point out to the General that his particular uniform contains a flaw.
Noticed it? Look on the Generals sleeve. Yep, the flag is back to front.
Maybe there is a reason for this that some military expert can explain but i cannot think what possible operational purpose having the flag around the wrong way on your uniform can have unless it is a sneaky ploy to get the enemy to stop shooting at him while they try and work out why he has his countries flag sewn on the wrong way on his uniform.
Anyway, i am putting it down to a deliberate error and in some sweatshop there are a group of workers gurgling like drains everytime the General comes on TV with his back to front sleeve flag.
And well done to that certificate owner and i hope that you succeed in your attempt at the Silver 50m award.

Flag Burning: A Business Opportunity

For any budding entrepreneur armed with miles of coloured material (particularly red, white & blue)and a sewing machine, there is a market in the Middle East and Indian sub continent just ripe for the plucking.
Whoever has the contract for making and distributing the UK flag in Asia must be making Rupee & Iranian Rial over fist because once again the Union Jack and a naked flame are coming together in an orgy of chanting.
The reason that our national flag is being consumed in fire this time is the knighthood of author and long time fatwa recipient, Salmon Rushdie.
His 1988 book, The Satanic Verses, saw the Iranian leader Ayatollah Khomeini urge fellow
Muslims to kill the writer for insulting Islam and the Prophet Muhammad and send Rushdie scuttling away into hiding.
Having never read anything written by Rushdie, whether he deserves the Knighthood or not is not something i can comment on, but as i can lay my hands on miles of Union Jack bunting left over from the Queens Golden Jubilee, i am hoping to knock it out to Tehran for a small fortune next time the masses congregate to denounce us.