Pope Tells Christians To Say Sorry To Gays

With many believers in the story that a talking snake told a woman not to eat an apple then you know you are in the presence of what we can politely call wackadoodles but for something that passes itself off as peaceful, religion has been the cause of more deaths than anything else outside of disease.
Even its more refined versions it is still a basket-full of bigotry and hatred and probably its largest hate figure are the gay community or as the bible calls them, those who are an 'abomination' and should 'surely be put to death'.
Pope Francis has followed up his previous comment on who was he to judge gay people by calling for Christians to seek forgiveness from gay people for the way they had treated them.
'We Christians have to apologise for so many things, not just for this treatment of gay people, but we must ask for forgiveness, not just apologise, forgiveness' he said which is very brave coming from someone who seems to spend most of the day in a dress.
Not to sure how this will play out with Christians who believe that they can 'pray away the gay' and change a persons sexual orientation but as they believe that God managed to squeeze a handful of humans and two of every animal onto a raft while he killed every living thing on the planet, i wouldn't hold my breath for any sanity from them just yet.

Do As Say...Not As I Have Never Done

Considering that the Pope has never had sex, been married or has children, it is always fun when they try and lecture on issues such as sex, marriage and raising children but the Pope has been trying to tell his flock how they should deal with these thorny issues.
In a 256-page document called 'The Joy of Love', the reiterates his Church's opposition to the legal recognition of gay relationships which won't come as a surprise to anyone.
'There are absolutely no grounds for considering homosexual unions to be in any way similar or even remotely analogous to God's plan for marriage and family' he droned adding his sympathy to families with gay relatives, a situation: 'not easy for parents or for children'.
Next up was couples who live together outside of marriage who need to be 'guided, patiently and discreetly' and then it was the raising of children who should be taught manners, punished for misbehaviour, cured of the vice of "wanting it all now" and prevented from watching TV programmes which undercut family values.
The people who still pay any attention to religious leaders are thankfully reducing in numbers as the decades pass and one day in the future we will look back at 2000 years of turmoil caused by religion and ask 'did people really do that?'
Next week, Charlie Sheen on abstinence.

Has The Pope Been Reading FOAB?

It isn't very often i find myself agreeing with the Pope but the Argentinian has got my vote for top Catholic banana with his tirade against capitalism.
Pope Francis has called capitalism 'a new tyranny' and is urging world leaders to step up their efforts against poverty and inequality, saying rich people should share their wealth and the existing financial system that fuels the unequal distribution of wealth must be altered.
'How can it be that it is not a news item when an elderly homeless person dies of exposure, but it is news when the stock market loses two points?' Pope Francis asked an audience at the Vatican, 'a system that devours everything which stands in the way of increased profits, whatever is fragile, like the environment, is defenceless before the interests of a deified market, which has become the only rule we live by'.     
You been reading my blog Franny? Anything else?
'I beg the Lord to grant us more politicians who are genuinely disturbed by the state of society, the people, the lives of the poor' Francis explained and i think we can excuse him bringing God into it just this once because what he is saying is pretty much the drum that i bang, capitalism is not good.
Now all we need is the Vatican with an estimated wealth of £15 billion to put its money where its Pope is and start dishing out the cash and start the equal distribution bandwagon rolling.

Is The Pope Catholic?

Catholic people are normally dependable in that their views are set out for them and they just follow them slavishly so a priest tells them they hate gays, abortion is wrong, women should not become Priests and unless you devote yourself to God, you have a snowball in hells chance of getting through the Pearly gates.
Then, along comes a new Pope and he sends their head spinning by not hating gays, saying the Church needs more women involved, divorce is okay, abortion is a decision for the mother not the Church and Atheists can get into Heaven as God would forgive their unbelief.
Once upon a time you knew where Catholics stood on their beliefs, circa 1450, but along comes the new Pope and changes everything. I know bears still go in the woods but is the pope actually Catholic?
The cynic inside me loudly shouts that as more people are well educated today, a Pope has finally cottoned on that religion is increasingly obsolete and irrelevant today.
A Pope may finally have realised that the religious money spinner is going the way of the dodo and they can ill afford to such a large swathe of society such as women, gays and Atheists so they have done what religion has always done and shifted the goalposts so what was once the unmovable pillars of the Church are now acceptable.

Choosing The Next Pope

The Catholics are rubbing their rosary beads in excitement as all eyes are on the Vatican's chimney waiting for the white smoke to show that yet another old, white guy has been chosen to be the voice of God on Earth but i can't help think that the Catholics have missed an opportunity here. 
From what i can see, the only criteria to be the Pope is being old, male, Catholic and be able to cope with the heavy workload of walking to a balcony and waving a lot but instead of choosing someone nobody has ever heard of, the World is teeming with old male Catholics that would bring a bit of glamour to the role of the head primate. 
If the Cardinals had bothered to look at the big list of Catholics they could have offered the job to Dan Aykroyd, Alan Alda, any of the Baldwin, Nicholas Cage, Bono, Sean Connery, Bill Murray, Tom Hanks, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Arnold Schwarzenegger or had a choice from the Sheen family although i might have had to have fitted an extra strength lock to the nuns quarters if Charlie accepted.
Mel Gibson is a Catholic as is David Hasselhoff although their communal wine bill would have probably bankrupt the Church but other options are Bruce Springsteen, Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Banderas, Billy Connolly, Johnny Rotton, Bob Geldof, Colin Farrell, Dave Grohl, David Boreanaz, Elvis Costello, Eminem, Engelbert Humperdinck, Fidel Castro, Harrison Ford, the Gallagher brothers, Liam Neeson, Michael Caine, Michael Flately, Mick Jagger, Nick Nolte and Sting.
Personally, i think there are two Catholics that the Vatican should be offering the funny hat to, George Clooney or Robert De Niro.
George because he would look damn cute and Robert De Niro because he made a fine Catholic priest in Sleepers and he would have lots of quotes from him movies to fall back on like 'You're a fu***ing criminal and you deserve to go where you're going and I'm gonna take you there and if I hear anymore s**t outta you. I'm gonna fu***ing bust your head and I'm gonna put you back in that fu***ing hole and I'm gonna stick your head in that fu***ing toilet bowl, and I'm gonna make it stay there'.
That would put the Archbishop of Canterbury off his steamed vegetables at the World Religions Summit.

Hasn't He Gone Yet?

It was up to the Church we would still believe that the Sun went around the Earth, the World was created by an invisible man in the clouds and evolution is a myth but despite getting all the main parts wrong, there are still people who look to the Church for guidance and the Catholics are frantically rubbing their rosary beads today because there is a Pope shaped hole in the Vatican as the latest Pope flies off by helicopter into the sunset.
In one of a few 'final goodbyes', Benny said that there had been moments in his papacy during which God seemed to be sleeping but that must have been one hell of a kip the big guy was taking considering what the Catholics Church have been getting up to for the past 1000 years. 
After his final, final goodbye at 7pm tonight, Benedict's Vatican apartment will be sealed and all
symbols of his Papal authority will be destroyed and then begins the hunt is on for the next guy who will protect child abusers and who would prefer people to die of AIDS rather than condone the use of condoms although there will not be a British representative because our man has been forced to resign due to 'inappropriate behaviour' with young clergymen back in the 80s.
The last tweet from the Pope to his 1.2 billion Catholics read 'Thank you for your love and support. May you always experience the joy that comes from putting Christ at the centre of your lives' but if any of the 1.2 billion Catholics are wondering if they want to carry on the strict Catholic rules but want to remain in a Church, they should consider defecting to the Church of England.
Seriously, it's a complete blag and as long as you remember to repent just before you die, you end up going to the same place as all those Catholics who have been sweating on the rhythm method anyway. Give it a go, you will only be replacing one old relic in the Pope for another in the Queen and God saves her according to the song.

Black Metal Finds New Fan

I don't know what the Pope is up to these days but for some reason he was on the television doing Popely things which seemed to amount to waving and sitting down a lot. It was when he sat down after a heavy bout of waving that i noticed something about the Popes chair. A closer look confirmed it, the Holy one has only gone and become a Satanist.
Proof is right there where the Holy derriere is perched, an inverted cross carved on the chair.
When goats heads and pentagram are not readily available, devil worshippers and heavy metal headbanger types have made the upside cross the ultimate sign of sticking a middle finger up to Christianity and adorn themselves with the symbol that inspires churchy types to tut loudly at them.
They obviously thought themselves as pretty hardcore, take that Jesus, but there's only one man on Earth who is death metal enough to have an inverted cross carved into his own throne. Born to raise hell Ratzs.
Thoughts of the Pope starting his next sermon with the words 'I'm an axe grinder, pile driver, I got no brain, I'm insane' were short lived because if i and Cradle of Filth had paid attention in Sunday School we would have realized that the inverted cross is actually the intellectual property of Saint Peter, the first Pope, and one of the most revered figures in Catholic lore.
My priestly neighbour expanded on the subject that Pete was crucified and requested to be crucified upside down because he didn't feel worthy of dying the same way as Jesus.
So it seems all those satanists thought they were being clever and showing their disdain for everything Churchy, they were unknowingly joining the Pope in showing humility and unworthiness before Christ.
Suckers.

Arresting the Pope

In one of his series of lectures, Mark Steel tells of a 14th poll tax introduced by the monarchy of the day to pay for their ongoing wars with France.
The tax was levied on each person in England over the age of 14 but as the tax collectors didn't know how many people were in each household, a rule was passed so the tax collectors could decide if a person was over 14 by checking if they had pubic hair and to allay any fears, all checks carried out by the local Catholic priests.
Move on 650 years or so and it seems that the Priests are still doing it which is why the Catholic Church, and the Pope, finds itself under such attack today and rightly so.
Dismissed initially as petty gossip, a letter from Pope Benedict, then plain old Joseph Ratzinger and deputy at the Vatican doctrinal office, has emerged where he told Wisconsin Bishops to drop a Church trial for a priest with a record of molesting children to protect the reputation of the Church for which it would have grave significance if it become public.
Now Ratzinger has the top job and the pressure is on him to resign which of course he won't so i truly hope that the attempt by Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens to have the Pope arrested and put on trial for the covering-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic church when he lands here in September succeeds.
The Vatican has already suggested the pope is immune from prosecution because he is a head of state but the duo are arguing that because he is not the head of a state with full United Nations membership (the Vatican has only observer status), he does not hold immunity and can be arrested.
As a German and former Nazi youth of the Third Reich, he should be fully aware that as an officer of state he is responsible for all actions carried out by those under his authority.
It should make it an entertaining September this year.

The NEW & IMPROVED Seven Sins

I would be the first to admit that I don't know my Asiah from my El-Beth when it comes to the Bible but everyone knows the story of the seven deadly sins.
Thoughtfully, those good sports at the Vatican have updated the list of cardinal sins for the 21st Century so out go Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride and in come some shiny new things that threaten us with eternal damnation.
On closer inspection of the regulations governing our descent into hell if we commit any of the following, our trip into the fiery depths can be avoided by simply confessing it so if you plan to do any of these following sins, just make an appointment with your local priest for the following day and you are covered. So what have the Vatican made a sin now?

First up is: "thou shalt not pollute the earth." Good start and the executives of Shell, BP and Exxon had better find a priest pretty sharpish.
Next is: "thou shalt not perform genetic manipulation." We are looking at you those farmers who continue to trial genetically modified food in your fields.
Third of the seven is "thou shalt not accumulate excessive wealth." Lets peek at the Vatican's bank balance so we can get an idea of what it thinks is an excessive amount of wealth to have. The Vatican has assets of £2b you say. I think most of us may just scrape in under that.
Fourth new sin is: "thou shalt not inflict poverty." Catholics priests are that-a-way executives of Nike, Gap & Levi.
Coming in at number five is: "Thou shalt not traffic drugs." Makes sense.
At six is "thou shalt not perform morally debatable experiments." Like experimenting with covering the tracks of priestly paedophiles and then slandering the victims?
Finally we have "thou shalt not violate the fundamental rights of human nature". Pay attention Tony and George, the Pope is pointing you towards the down escalator. Say hi to Beelzebub for us.


So there you go, follow those seven and you will be peachy although i would like to see Brad Pitt make a movie with this line up.

Sun Of God?

To those of us who don't care What Jesus Would Do in a given situation and see the Church as somewhere to steal candles from, what the Pope get's up to generally doesn't concern us. Unless he is making mind boggling statements that just cry out for someone to lock him in a Vatican cellar until it is time to light the fire that produces the white smoke again that is.
It seems that the crazy ex-Hitler youth member has his doubts over the theory that the Earth goes around the Sun.
Benedict XVI was forced to call off a visit to Rome's main university after hostility from the academics, disgusted at his former defending of the Inquisition and its condemnation of Galileo with the pontiff deeming the Inquisitions bvehaviour as 'reasonable and fair'.
Galileo Galilei was the Inquisition's most high profile victim who was forced on pain of death to backtrack over his view that the earth moved around the sun.
He was ordered to stand trial for heresy and the judgment found that his view of the solar system was "absurd, philosophically false, and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scriptures". He spent the rest of his life under house arrest.
The Pope is free to back or dismiss any theory that he wants but we have to ask, What would Jesus Do?
Hold his head in his hands in dismay and pray that their is a Catholic who is not a laughing stock coming up the ranks behind Ratzinger probably.

Caption Competition #3

Always a rich seam of humour, the Pope entertaining the American President.
My line would be : "Yo Pope, is this one as good as My Pet Goat?"