Special Guest Blogger: Pre-Human Lucy

I was asked to have a look around the modern World and see what my human ancestors had done since Prehistoric times which was a particularly murky spot in human history, a time when hulking, fur-clad cavemen bashed their prey and each other with massive clubs and attempted to invent round things and sharp tools while sitting around in caves, grunting at each other and dragging potential mates around by their hair.
I had the good fortune to die and get thrown into a peat bog so when you modern day humans found me 3.2 million years later, most of me was still intact so i am the oldest known human-ish thing, sort of human because my alloted time on the Planet was just as the apes were turning into humans.
I had quite a long life for a prehistoric cave dweller where the average person spent their life trying to chase sabre toothed tigers away with a stick and i died at the ripe old age of 12 when i went looking for dinner with my spear and there was plenty of animals to hunt that ate simple, healthy, plant-based diets, and for the most part, they didn't tend to be particularly bright but that day my lunch decided to make me into a meal instead and if the wildlife wasn't trying to kill us, we also had the Neanderthals who were big, stupid, hairy man-apes who quite rightly were little more than an evolutionary dead end, essentially apes that had figured out how to use clubs until Homo Sapiens got tired of their bullshit and bashed their big, dumb faces in.
It was thanks to us that you knew which berries are a tasty treat and which will have you squatting in a ditch crapping your intestines inside-out and our species ability to pass information and knowledge from one generation to the next so once humans developed enough they were able to settle down and start multiplying like catholic bunnies.
You turned up with an entire World ready created with oceans and most of the deadliest dinosaurs extinct and an absolute freedom to make what you wanted with it and you soared ahead in many ways, but honestly, you should be a utopia already but Human evolution over the next few million years granted you big brains with the ability for complex thought and the following generations came up with a few, great new ideas that changed the world and move things forward like fire, the wheel, the steam engine, the printing press, the engine, spaceships but you also dreamt up innovations that began ballsing everything up big style.
You took the billion of tonnes of dead dinosaurs and burnt them polluting your home and created a wide array of different Gods to explain how the Earth and Humans were created therefore believing that man was made from dust and life was blown in through his nostril and created a woman from one of his ribs.
To some that makes perfect sense, men from dust and women from a bit of skeleton so all that evolving over billions of years is dismissed as as silly nonsense and ironically, those that are most militant about using up the fossil fuels, now don't actually believe in fossils! Hello...missing link between apes and humans sat right here!
Looking at what you have done you lot have been messing it up for a long time now, history is littered with examples of people who have failed you miserably so you have nuclear missiles, guns, religious wars, plastic, pollution, nuclear waste, climate change, you really have jiggered the entire effing lot, haven’t you.
When the human race finally kills its stupid self and makes the Earth uninhabitable, and it obviously will be, i'd like to think that you will be treated to a season-finale-esque montage of the Earths best moments but that won't feature you lot for very long because thanks to you the Planet’s gone. Well done, humans!

Special Guest Blogger: Gregor MacGregor

I was born in 1786 but apart from my parents giving me the same name twice, my life doesn't start getting interesting until i left the British Army, buying myself out with the dowry i received from my wife's family because i got into an argument with a superior who promised to make my life hell but not long after i arrived back home, my wife unexpectantly died.
Deciding that i didn't have anything left to stay in Britain for, i sailed off to Venezuela to join their war for independence against the Spanish and that's where the fun starts because once there i thought this is an opportunity for a new beginning where nobody knows me so i could be anyone i wanted and deciding to be as honest as the day is long, a day on Jupiter that is, i introduced myself as Sir Gregor, a veteran of the British Army and a Knight to boot so they gave me the rank of Colonel and i spent the rest of the war organising and explaining to the Venezuelans how the British did things.
By more luck then judgement, we won and once the fighting in Venezuela ended, i gathered up some troops and continued attacking any surviving Spanish outposts and that's how i discovered Mosquito Coast in Nicaragua, an unwelcoming piece of swampy land and i met with the King and persuaded him to sign the land over to me, a British Knight, Gentleman and war hero of the British and Venezuelan army to build a colony because new colonies were popping up all over the place all the time and as the land was basically just a swamp, he was more than happy to give it to me.
With the land deal under my belt i returned to Britain and graduated from pretending i was a Knight to pretending i was a Prince of the incredibly beautiful land of Poyais in Central America, a paradise with endless summer and fertile ground with vast plantations of sugar, coffee and cotton and for that additional touch, gold in the mountains and to make it even more believable, on the ship journey i had created a guide to Poyais along with a national flag and even an anthem.
It is said that lies spread around the world while the truth is still putting on it's shoes but sometimes the shoes are not even bothered to be taken out of the wardrobe and i set about recruiting wannabe colonists to the paradise and people jumped at the opportunity, paying 4 shillings an acre and exchanging their British pound notes for Poyain currency which i just managed to have 70,000 printed.
The first 50 settlers with a pocketful of useless Poyainian currency set off for the Mosquito Coast on a ship, an uneventful journey until they approached the Mosquito Coast and people noticed how spectacularly Poyais was just not there.
By then i had secured myself a £200,000 loan leveraged against all the gold i owned back in Poyais and i was a Prince so why wouldn't they believe me but knowing that soon there would be a bunch of disgruntled colonists arriving back in the UK and staying there may not be the healthiest option, i buggered off France.
With cartology still in it's infancy, people just assumed they had just sailed slightly off course so the settlers started to unpack while some people went looking for directions to Poyais. Then a bunch of things happened, first a hurricane hit the settlers, scattering and destroying their belongings and stranding them as the ship blew out to sea and without shelter in the humid new land, literally every settler contracted malaria or yellow fever and by the time a rescue mission was launched weeks later, two thirds of the original settlers died but by then another boatload of colonists had arrived only to be told by the Nicaraguan Government that they had been swindled and the new country had been cancelled and to go back home.
I performed the same trick in France and waved off another 50 soon to not be Poyaians and then shot off back to Britain and was immediately arrested due to the whole swindling people and sending them off to a fake land i made up thing but due to a lack of people willing to come forward to admit investing their fortune into a made-up country, and the last thing they wanted was the publicity that they had done their family fortune, i was released for lack of evidence and went back to France where i was arrested and once again released.
Eventually the money ran out so i sailed back to Venezuela, reminded them that i had fought for their independence and they welcomed me like a returning hero and even gave me a pension and i spent the rest of my life living in comfort and reminiscing with my old war buddies about our glory days.
So there you have my life and despite everything, Karma gave me a pass but sometimes you just couldn't make up some peoples greed and stupidity or rather, as i found out, you can and make an absolute fortune from it.

Special Guest Blogger: Baba Anujka

They say the golden years are the best years of your life but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the grandkids feel uncomfortable with unwanted affection but not me as i spent most of my 90s in a prison for being one of history's most prolific serial killers.
I was an accomplished amateur chemist in my village of Vladimirovac in Yugoslavia and after my husband died, i made a bit of money selling herbs and potions to the wives of farmers who sought my help for health problems and as my reputation grew, i began to recieve some more demanding requests such as soldiers asking for mixtures which would them just ill enough to escape military service and as popular as that was, my biggest seller was for something i called 'magic water' because a wife's troublesome husband would magically disappear about eight days after drinking it.
I had a particular distaste for domestic violence, that makes me want to put my fist through something but instead i sold my magic water to women with abusive husbands and it contained arsenic in small quantities and certain plant toxins that were difficult to detect but i was professional about it, calculating the exact amount required according to the body mass of the unfortunate recipient.
My primary business was spread by word of mouth by women with shitty husbands and i advised them to refuse any offer of an autopsy for their husbands, and it just wasn't all that uncommon for a middle-aged man to drop dead for no apparent reason back then so there wasn't a great amount of suspicion raised and things were going so well that i even hired a sales agent to find potential clients but that proved to be my mistake as one new client used my potion on her first husband and then the wealthy uncle of her second husband died in the same circumstances not long after the wedding and the police became suspicious and the woman pointed the finger at me.
At my trial i played the 'sweet little old lady' card and got off because nobody would believe i would do such a thing so i went back to making my magic water but i got arrested again a decade later after one client messed up the dosage for her husband and he managed to get himself to a doctor before he died and the doctor discovered what he had taken and the wife snaked me out.
That was just after my 90th birthday and i imagined the same result but this time the authorities remembered that i had been accused of this once before so dug up the bodies of the deceased and found traces of my potions in whatever was left of their remains and i got given 15 years hard labour.
I got out after eight due to my old age and died two years later age 100 so i lived a long and mostly successful life and my name in the history books and the 150 deaths of shitty husbands accredited to me shows there is always a demand for a sweet, little old lady with poison.

Trans Weightlifter Unfair Advantage

Once the football is over and Italy have the European Championship Trophy safely tucked away somewhere in Rome, it is the turn of the Olympics and a month of superfit athletes jumping, throwing and running but one sport that i have never watched is weight lifting.
Without Googling, i could not name you a single weightlifter alive or dead but one New Zealand lifter is now making headlines as Ms Laurel Hubbard was up until 2012 Mr Laurel Hubbard and will be competing in the women's competition.
Now i am not a biologist, i spent most Biology lessons at school around the back of the bicycle sheds with Benson and Hedges but a male physiology is very different to a females, one scientist who did less smoking at school than i did put the advantage at as much as 34% which is borne out in the record books that the heaviest weight lifted ever by a woman is 246 kg while the male record is 484 kg.   
I understand the argument that Laurel is now a woman and more power to her, she can be who she likes, but it seems very unfair that women will be competing against with such a massive biological advantage, especially when athletics spends millions trying to catch drug cheats trying to gain a tiny but important advantage.
We have been here before with 800m runner Mokgadi Caster Semenya who was assigned female at birth but had the body of a man with the XY chromosomes and naturally elevated testosterone levels which won her two Olympic gold medals and three World Championships and despite Hubbard being a totally average male lifter, she will still lift more than the top female lifters because despite everything, she has a male body.
Sport has separate male and female separate competition for a reason and this just blurs the line and no amount of training will be enough to overcome the physical advantage that Hubbard has and that can't be fair.

Grab Your Tape Measure AOC

 Not that i know, but i assume young American Republicans are very similar to the Young Conservatives we have here in the UK as in they are clueless, gullible and a bit thick but there may be hope for the American right wing yet because an Axios poll published today revealed that in the capitalist US, just 49% of Americans aged 18-to-34 actually support capitalism, 51% say they have a positive view of Socialism and but the reason for optimism is that 66% of young Republicans support the wonky system, down from 81% in 2019, the rest having grown sick of the system they’re used to defending.    
Maybe the impressive Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should start measuring up for the White House curtains now because Socialism is making a well deserved, and much needed, appearance in America.

Your Government Ladies And Gentlemen

 It seems that even being totally effing useless and feathering your own families pocket with millions worth of Government PPE money isn't enough to get you the sack from Boris Johnson's Government so breaking your own rules isn't going to do it so Health Secretary Matt Hancock lives to continue being useless another day which is good news for those who he handed out contracts to including his sister (£300,000), pub landlord friend (£30,000,000) and the brother of the woman he is (rumoured) to be having an affair with and has received millions of pounds worth of NHS contracts.
After CCTV of Mr Hancock and Gina Coladangelo kissing was leaked, he has come out to say that he admitted breaking social distancing rules and had 'let people down' and was 'very sorry' which is obviously enough for Boris Johnson who is no stranger to extra marital affairs himself and is saying that he has accepted the Health Secretary's apology considered the matter was now closed.
Whether Mrs Hancock wife for 15 years or Mr Coladangelo's husband will be quite so keen to brush it under the carpet is another matter but the public will be less forgiving considering that at the time of the incident, Mr Hancock was on TV setting the rules that people must keep their distance from anyone not in their household or support bubble unless for 'work purposes or for the provision of voluntary or charitable services' so unless the health secretary believes the embrace was part of a work meeting, or in Mrs Coladangelo's case, an act of charity to play tonsil tennis with the hapless Minister he broke his own rules.
Another interested party may be the Government adviser, Professor Neil Ferguson, who Hancock said would back the police in any action they wished to take over the breaking of social distancing rules by having his lover visit him at his home, adding that Ferguson was correct to step down from his position on the government’s Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (Sage) as the social distancing rules 'are there for everyone and are deadly serious'.
In a Government were having affairs, handing out tax payers money and contracts like sweets to friends and family as well as wasting billions, lying constantly, dog whistle politics, racism and a death toll of 150,00 through sheer incompetence is not enough, then breaking your own pandemic rules with a woman not your wife and sending NHS contracts to her brother wont do it either..move on, nothing to see here.

Special Guest Blogger: Field Marshall Douglas Haig

I lived by a simple rule of when i mess up, it’s other peoples fault but when i do something right, it’s all on me and i commanded the British Army when it achieved arguably its greatest victories, those over the Germans on the Western Front during the First World War, engaging and defeating it although the death toll was huge, the first rule of war is young men die unless you are hundreds of miles behind the front line which happily for me, is exactly where i was.
I joined the British Army as a young buck and saw active service in India, Sudan and South Africa and became an authority on cavalry warfare and with my social connections at the Polo club, i rose swiftly though the ranks and became the commander of the British Expeditionary Force (BEF) in France just when we were entering into a entrenched stalemate with the Germans along the Western Front.
One of the biggest changes between 19th century horse led stabby war which is where i learnt my art and the 20th-century mechanical more shooty warfare that we were now engaged in was that the other side had bloody great weapons which could kill men in large numbers.
I found that out when i ordered the Somme offensive which resulted in 60,000 casualties and 20,000 deaths on the first day so i formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field which involved our brave boys climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy and then keep doing it because what was so inspired about it was that it would catch the watchful Hun totally off guard, doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before being exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do the next time.
We launched a series of mighty offensive against the German lines using my knowledge of cavalry charges which included attacking Fritz where their line is strongest and lulling them into a false sense of security that we were led by complete incompetents so when we attacked their weak points, they would be totally surprised but despite all this we failed to break the deadlock or to win any significant territory.
Considering i had to not only coordinate the British army which was full of men who amazingly didn't particularly want to be there but also the French, Americans, Belgians and Portuguese i thought i was getting the hang of it but the Prime Minister, David Lloyd George, said i was 'a second-rate, incapable Commander' but if nothing else the army learnt how not to do it which served them well because they began ignoring me and doing things differently so in many ways the final victory over the Bosche was all due to my cleverly awful tactics so i'm taking that as a win for me.

Special Guest Blogger: John Wilkins

I pushed forward many theories in my time, a universal language to replace Latin, a system of weights and measures that was very similar to the Metric system which was later picked up and promoted by French but the one which i am most remembered for was my idea of spaceflight although 17th Century science was a bit less sophisticated and more religion based.
As a scientist and Bishop of the Church of England, i had a foot in both camps and tried to integrate the two especially as i was married to Oliver Cromwell's sister and that family made everything about religion so my stance was why have we got to be so many different religions? Why can't we just be one cool religion?  
It was her brother that made me the head of Trinity College but my first aim was to bring everyone together in a religious and political love-in which worked well and i was attracting the cream of British scientists to Oxford and we created the Royal Society to study science with the knowledge of the time and that started well until Oliver died and his son was replaced and then the Royalists took over and i was out of favour and my role was reduced to preacher but it was during my time at the college that i published 'The Discovery of a World in the Moone' and followed that up with 'A Discourse Concerning a New Planet'.
I had read The Man in the Moone by Francis Godwin which highlights the similarities between the Earth and the Moon and i looked up and thought why not and proposed the idea that the Moon could be housing living beings which i called the Selenites a term derived from Selene, the Greek Moon Goddess.
Whereas Godwin thought that we could use birds to drag us up to the Moon in a chariot, i suggested what better way to make it up there but to let the pure breath of angels do it which had the double advantage of allowing us to breath in space.
I then went on to explain that it was gravity pulling on our stomachs which made us feel hunger and so naturally, food wouldn’t be an issue for the humans flying towards the moon and once there maybe the Selenites would want to engage in trading with us because...who wouldn't?
Unfortunately, my Angel led chariot literally never took off as one of the science guys discovered that space was a vacuum, and no human would survive in it regardless of the amount of Angel breath they were inhaling so i decided that a Angel led chariot may not be the way to go and Space travel was simply not ready for us in the 17th century, with or without the help of angels.
What did happen though was a short time later Isaac Newton witnessed that apple dropping and scientists did begin to discuss ways to consider what flying to the moon might be like and how to do it and space travel is a thing now i notice although i died from the medicine i took to treat my kidney stones and thankfully medicine has improved as well but we may find evidence of alien life someday. That would be amazing right?
It'd be great and exciting and maybe terrifying because they may decide that the bunch of Earthling carbon based bipeds were the cause of all the problems and evaporate us immediately to stop us expanding out into the universe but we may finally get an answer to why they come all this way just to mutilate our livestock and anally probe drunk American rednecks?

Special Guest Blogger: Julius Fromm

Before 1912, when it came to sex, the man had two options, he could either risk pregnancy and any one of the million sexually transmitted diseases knocking around or wrap his fellow in a condom made from an animals bladder that so thick that it could double as a hat in the winter.
I was one of the inventors of a new way of vulcanizing rubber which produced a much thinner latex product and we were churning out baby bottle nipples, hot water bottles and rubber gloves and then one day while looking at the fingers on a glove i wondered if rather than hands, i could do something for another part of the body and i came up with the first modern, lightweight seamless condom men are so grateful for today.    
I patented the idea and over the next decade set up factories in Germany, Denmark, the UK, Poland and the Netherlands and began mass producing the 'Fromms' as they became known and created the first condom vending machines although we were only allowed to advertise them as hygiene products, not contraceptives as the Catholics have a problem with women not getting pregnant obviously.
At this juncture i should point out that i lived in Germany and i was Jewish and that is important because in the mid 1930's, the Nazi's happened and they couldn't let a Jew succeed at stuff so they forced me to sell them my business at a fraction of its value, to Baroness Elisabeth von Epenstein, Hermann Göring's godmother.
I fled to London with my family and what was left of our lives, and he could only watch helplessly from a distance as Hermann Goering's godmother took the rewards which should have been mine but my condoms were selling well in Britain so if nothing else it was good to see that the British upper lip was not the only thing being kept stiff.
The factory in Germany was almost completely destroyed by Allied Air raids but when the war finished we managed to secretly ship some of the machinery to the Soviet Union and we began once again producing condoms but as the Communists nationalized my company, i never made any money as i died four days after celebrating the end of the war but where safe sex always meant making sure that the bedroom door was locked or the kids were out, now it means using one of my inventions.

Special Guest Blogger: Gouverneur Morris

I may not top any polls of the most famous Founding Fathers but while none of us were saints, i was certainly one of the wildest out of all of us.
I didn’t marry until i was 57 as i was having far too much fun being a bachelor, one romantic escapade costing me my leg after after being hit by a carriage while being chased by a furious husband who had just found out that i was sleeping with his wife. Totally worth it.
Not that i let losing 25% of my limbs stop me and soon i was up and about and found myself in France as the US Minister just as the French Revolution was at its peak and in the Lourve in Paris with a very nubile young lady whose husband was in the next room.
I was not a fan of the Revolution and attempted to rescue Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette from the revolutionaries who would later execute them so reasoning that she wasn't going to have any use for it anymore, bought all of Marie Antoinette's furniture and shipped it back to my home in the Bronx.
I did once chase off a mob of Frenchies attacking my carriage by taking off my wooden leg and threatening to brain them with it but i managed to get out of France and finally settled down from a life of romancing married women and wed my own housekeeper, a woman 22 years my junior who had got pregnant as a teenager by her brother-in-law and had a child who died shortly after birth and although she was tried for murder, she was acquitted.
I was there at the drafting of the new Constitution and chipped in the line 'We the people of the United States' but i had have some big misgivings about my fellow founding fathers, mostly over Slavery.
I did find the line 'All men are created equal' particularly ironic considering that ten of the first twelve American Presidents were slave owners, the first President, George Washington, wouldn't have lied if you asked him how many slaves he held as he was a major slaveholder with 317 which is almost half as many as the third President, Thomas Jefferson, who not only owned over 600, but fathered six children with one.
My death was just as crazy as my life, i had trouble urinating so took a DIY approach to the problem and attempted to clear the blockage by sticking a piece of whalebone down my urinary tract and causing massive internal injuries and an infection but the papers described it as 'a short but distressing illness' which sounds much better than died of a jabbing a bit of bone in the old jap's eye.