Special Guest Blogger: William Rufus

All brothers experience a certain amount of jealous rivalry, just that our sibling rivalry began with pouring urine on to one another from the castle ramparts and evolved into raising armies against one another and having my little brother assassinate me so he could be King. I blame the parents for it all honesty.
Due to my  red-faced complexion i was nicknamed Rufus and due to my long blond hair, never marrying and dressing in the height of fashion people assumed i was gay.
Another clue may have been the 'fornicators and sodomites’ as they were called who were favoured at court during my reign, a little clue there for the eagle-eyed historians.
This didn't prevent me being every bit as ruthless as my Father William the Conqueror and blinded and castrated those who opposed me and many did when i piled on the taxes to pay for my extravagant lifestyle.
The Church didn't like me because i had no time for all things religious, instead of appointing an Archbishop of Canterbury i took all the rents for myself and they were not particularly impressed that Church income should have been spent on fancy curly-toed shoes and silk trousers.
My big brother Robert meanwhile was becoming the hero of Christendom as he liberated Jerusalem from the Turks in the first crusade but i got rather less credit for my campaigns against the Welsh and the Scots, I captured Carlisle for crying out loud.
I travelled the country imposing myself as a guest on various noblemen around my kingdom at little or no notice and they were expected to welcome me with great feasts and entertainments and generally paying for everything until the we got bored and decided to move on.
So after a dozen years on the throne, I was unpopular with the Church establishment, despised at home and abroad and had behaved badly towards my younger brother Henry, the most likely heir to the throne and I became increasingly paranoid, particularly after my nephew was killed by an arrow in the New Forest.
All of which makes my own death three months later in the same place all the more suspicious.
We were out hunting when an arrow pierced my heart and my body was left slumped against a tree and although i didn't see who it was, my younger brother Henry dashed to get himself crowned King just three days later.

Farage On Side Of Sexual Predators

I have never understood the appeal of Nigel Farage, he was the cheerleader for Brexit and when it happened it shaved billions off our GDP and made us economically poorer but there are still some dimwitted people who are keen to hand him the keys to what is left of the British economy.
The fairytale economic policies  he has farted out so far are so unrealistic that economists are ridiculing them but undaunted he continues to spout them and some people lap them up.
His latest failure has been to say he would reverse the Online Safety Bill which came in this week and restricts what under 18's can access online in the UK but which Farage has attacked as 'restricting free speech' which then led to accusations from the Government that Farage was on the side of predators, people like Jimmy Saville.
Farage is now demanding an apology but none of forthcoming as they explain that the legislation is: 'Absolutely essential for protecting children and young people from sexual predators and from seeing totally inappropriate content online'.
The Government are right on this, the only people concerned with restricting what children can access are the very people you would not want you children coming across on the Internet so it is doing what it is designed to do.
The new regulations mean sites hosting adult content like pornography will need to have age verification in place and Social media sites will need to make sure their algorithms aren't pushing harmful content to young people and face fines and penalties if they do so if Nigel Farage or anyone are saying they want to repeal the Online Safety Act, then they are on the side of the predators such as Jimmy Saville who without a doubt, if Social Media had been around in his time, would have been using it to achieve his wicked aims.

Britain Finally Changes Policy On Israel

The Israeli's say that to recognise Palestine is: 'A reward for Hamas' but to not recognise Palestine is a reward for 75 years of Israeli military occupation and ethnic cleansing of Palestine , so take your pick.
After over 2 years of Israeli genocide , the UK is shamefully only now making a policy shift to recognise Palestine as a state after France's recent decision to recognise it and join the other 147 out of the 193 United Nations member states which already do.
Obviously the Israeli side are not in favour of it as they want to wipe out all the Palestinians and claim the land for themselves so when they said in response that this will: 'harms efforts to achieve a ceasefire in Gaza' you have to wonder exactly how much of an effort they were making. The last ceasefire was broken by them when they sis what they always do to stuff up peace talks by shifting the goalposts so dramatically and the use that as a reason to started killing civilians again.
At least over 60,000 Palestinians have now been killed by Israel, 1,000 of them when they arrived to collect food and water at aid stations, acts that have bought condemnation and accusations of Genocide from Israeli human rights groups and the International Court of Justice  and several United Nations Special Rapporteur's, the latest from  Francesca Albanese who listed those who were assisting and enabling Israel in their genocide.
Former Israel Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, has called the plans for a 'humanitarian city' plans for a concentration camp a so what is called for is crippling sanctions against Israel as we saw against South Africa in the 80s and Benjamin Netanyahu and his band of murderers in Government to be tried for crimes against humanity along with all nations which helped Israel facilitate the slaughter, ethnic cleansing and mass starvation of an entire people.

Special Guest Blogger: Priestess Licinia

The best scapegoats, already tried and tested for many centuries, were us Vestal Virgins who were a group of priestesses responsible for maintaining the sacred fire that burned at the center of the forum in the Temple of Vesta as it was thought  if it went out, or if one of us attendants broke their vow of chastity, bad things would happen.
Being a Vestal Virgin took a decade of training and was an enormous privilege, most women would do anything to be in our sandals. We sit in the best seats at the arena, right beside the Senators ands were at the front and center of countless festivals and events. We were even invited you to the famous bacchanalia parties that most people would die to attend, and often did once they were there.
Hungry for prestige, noble families jostled to have their prepubescent daughters chosen to be one of the exalted six to guard the sacred flame, so my mother was an insufferable bighead the day I was accepted into the College of Vestals  at the precocious age of ten. Over the next decade, I learnt to perform my many duties, before serving as a fully fledged priestess alongside her five colleagues, until my retirement twenty years later.
We enjoyed privileges no other women can enjoy. We were able to buy, sell, rent and inherit property. We could liberate slaves, own land and even testify in court, where most women must stay silent but the price we pay in return was  not love another, remain pure and unsullied and not covet so much as a kiss and to act with grace and humility.
In 95 BC, bad things happened, and so logic followed that one of the Vestals must have been up to no good so in time-honored tradition, i was brought before judges in the Roman basilica, and put on trial accused of allowing the flame to go out while i was playing hide the sausage with Marcus Crassus, the richest man in Rome.
I had to buy some flowers for the afternoon ritual. Our supplier was sick so I had to fetch them myself and left the sacred flame in the care of a trainee Vestal, a young girl not yet qualified to be on active duty.
I figured she had the sufficient qualifications to stand still and watch a flame for five minutes but she accidentally set fire to her robe while trying to warm her hands at the hearth. As she flapped wildly at her sleeve, she accidentally extinguished the sacred flame, thus endangering all of Rome and all causing the loss of a battle in the Sertorian War.
Crassus was pursuing me to sell him my countryside villa, He’s been pestering me for months, trying to get it at a discounted rate. The man wouldn't take no for an answer and as he has been snapping up property from desperate landowners for years but he wanted mine because it’s got a swimming pool in the shape of Venus’s breasts and because it sits in-between two plots he already owns, so he was probably looking to turn it all into some kind of awful resort or something.
The traditional sentence for breaking the rules was being buried alive in a sealed underground chamber with the customary pitcher of water and snacks. and there we would sit spending our final days in darkness and solitude, thinking about what she has done.
As Crassus had been doggedly pursuing many others and was known as the richest man in Rome with a ruthless reputation of buying houses on the cheap, then rebuilding them with slave labor, i was found not guilty of unchastity and was acquitted.
As for Crassus, he rose to become an enormously powerful general and statesman, funding Julius Caesar’s early career and forming an alliance with him but before his death, after years of relentless nagging, I'd finally had enough and sold my countryside villa to the greedy general.
At the end of my 30 years of service, i retired and although I was free to love, have sex and get married, after what the men had put me through, by the time I was eligible to be with a man, I was put off them altogether.

Trump Golf Course Twinned With Epstein Island

I wasn't here when Donald Trump arrived in Scotland but i was very pleased to see despite high security around him, our Scottish cousins turned up to protest against him.
Special mention should go to the wag who put a sign outside of one of Trump's golf resorts here this week that said: 'Twinned with Epstein Island'. Inspired.
 The saga isn't going away for the long time friend of the most notorious pedophile in living memory and the media is playing a smart game of filling the void while the Schrodinger cat of a client list both doesn't exist and was written by Barack Obama awaits its moment in the spotlight.
Trump is on the list according to almost everyone who knows and the constant daily drip drip of news related to it is doing the job it is meant to do and implicating him further with today he said that he could excuse the Epstein fixer Ghislaine Maxwell if he wanted and she has been questioned recently and it wouldn't be beyond question that she hands over a list of everyone except Donald Trump in return for that pardon.   
I did hear it mentioned that the concern is that while Trump is trying everything to divert attention and the conversation away from himself and his close relationship and many, many trips on the Epstein plane, nothing is working so he may up the ante and start a war or do something equally mental.
He may do, the spotlight on him and the pedophile he was so close to is certainly not dimming and it is only a matter of time before the thick smoke we currently have becomes a flame but meanwhile, enjoy Scotland Donald and we look forward to your visit in September.  

Imagine

A friend of my husbands has found God. After all my usual jokes about hide and seek and how did he get lost i asked him how he 'found' him and the answer was the usual which you get from the Bible hugging newbies.
His story was that he was in hospital in immense pain and he prayed and said if God relieved him from this pain he would dedicate his life to him and then the pain went away and here he is clutching a Bible and a shiny new cross necklace and asking me if i cared to join him.
I obviously said no and did inquire if as he was in hospital at the time if the pain going could be related to the huge amounts of pain relief he was having pumped into him but nope, it was God so no way to argue with that crystal clear logic.  
I always ask someone who is late to the religion party what happened to make them suddenly lose all logic and become a believer and why out of the 4,000 possible Gods to choose from, they chose the same one which was the one of their nation rather than Odin or Ra but it is often a sudden realisation but it is even rarer to hear of someone making the trip the other way and suddenly in a flash becoming an atheist.
Religion has been responsible for the most deaths on the Planet through Holy Wars and nutty religious leaders and i take the view that religion often leads to tragically irrational behaviour, such as exploding yourself on a plane or listening to Christian rock and life on Earth would be much more pleasant and simpler (and not to mention less and less blowy-uppy) if religion suddenly went away.
If there was something that was responsible for so many deaths then shouldn't we be looking to stop it?
If Science is smart enough to create drugs that can end so much suffering and disease, why not something that flips the opposite bit of the brain that makes people suddenly religious and make them atheist and to quote John Lennon, Imagine nothing to kill or die for which has to be a better World. Doesn't it?

Special Guest Blogger: Edward III

I ruled England for fifty years and was celebrated as one of England’s greatest-ever kings, bringing authority back to the monarchy, strengthening the rule of law and the traditions of Parliament while winning stunning military victories against the French and the Scots and establishing the Order of the Garter.
It was a shame that nearly half of my subjects were wiped out by the Black Death but perhaps that’s just being picky.
My Mum stood in for me until i was old enough to take the crown but she seemed reluctant to stand down once i reached 16 so i dragged her to the jail and kept her under guard for thirty years while set about rectifying my father’s humiliating setbacks in Scotland.
I won a victory at the Battle of Halidon Hill and returned the key strategic town of Berwick-upon-Tweed which had continually passed back and forth from English to Scottish control and with Scotland no longer a threat,  turned my attentions to regaining the territory and the lucrative wool trade that had been lost and began a war with France which become known as the Hundred Year war so that shows how swift it was.
I was the grandson of the French King, and three of my uncles had been King of France however, when the last of these died, the French got out the royal family tree and found a distant cousin to do the job rather than have some Englishman turn up and start passing laws about being women shaving their armpits so i declared myself to be the rightful King of France.
The French blockaded the Channel but a rain of arrows from the new English longbows soon shifted that and at the Battle of Crécy where we were outnumbered 2 to 1, but the longbow did it again and soon there were a dozen royal princes, 1,200 knights and 15,000 French soldiers laying down dead with arrows in them.
Special mention must go to The old King of Bohemia, King John the Blind who insisted on taking part in the battle despite it being pointed out to him several times that that being blind might put him at a slight disadvantage, which it did because of course he was killed instantly.
On my return from France I created the Order of the Garter, made up of twenty-four knights named after the item of clothing that was dropped by the Countess of Salisbury at a ball in Windsor Castle. I picked it up and pulled the garter around my own leg and stopped any sniggering by saying ‘Honi soit qui mal y pense’ or ‘Shame to him who evil thinks’ which became my motto.
Things were going great guns until somebody complained that they didn’t feel too well and that they had these big lumps oozing pus under their armpits and a tiny flea in the fur of the black rat halved the English population and really took the shine off the appeal of rats and fleas.
My final years were marred by a descent into senility and as i lay dying, I was abandoned by courtiers and relations who rushed to stake their claim in the court of my successor, the ten-year-old King Richard II and even my mistress deserted me, not forgetting to pull the precious rings off my dying  fingers first.

Special Guest Blogger: Keith Emerson

As the mastermind behind the 70s supergroup Emerson, Lake & Palmer, i didn’t just play electrifying music, i turned it into a dangerous spectacle.
A future Rock legend was born in the unlikely place of Todmorden in Yorkshire and when i was 8 my father taught me how to play the Piano and with the wages from my job at Lloyd's Bank, i bought a Hammond Organ and started out playing in pubs and clubs and bounced around with a few bands but my moment of inspiration came when i landed a gig with a blues group called The VIPs and one night we found themselves playing a gig in the middle of the French countryside to a crowd of surly, booze-guzzling farmers.
It was like something from a spaghetti Western only in very rural France and a full-blown brawl erupted in front of the stage, and as fists flew, the bar owner frantically waved at us to keep playing so i went the full madman and started climbing on my organ and throwing it around the stage.
The audience froze, jaws on the floor and the evil genie was out of the bottle now and there was no shoving it back in.
I started my own band called Nice and repeated my antics every night, riding it like a bucking bronco, wedged knives into it and even lashed at it with a whip but it was the late 60s and mind-bending substances were everywhere and it got me noticed and when we played a gig at London’s swanky Royal Albert Hall in front of high-society types, including the US Ambassador to Britain, if there was ever some time to ruffle some feathers, this was it so during a feedback inspired version of our first single 'America', I grabbed an American flag and set it on fire.
Obviously we got banned permanently banned from Royal Albert Hall but it sent our song burning up the charts but it also put me directly on America’s radar which wasn't good as we had an American tour lined up so the US embassy made me swear on a stack of Bibles that i would never pull that stunt again.
My star was rising fast, as was my drugs bill which i was partaking of and then i teamed up with Greg Lake and Carl Palmer to form Emerson, Lake & Palmer and one of our first gigs was at the Isle of Wight Festival alongside The Who, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors  but we outdid them, rolling out two massive antique cannons mid-set, stuffing them full of explosives and Kaboom. The blast was so huge, it lifted the cannons off the ground.
After that everyone knew who Emerson, Lake & Palmer were and  Atlantic Records saw gold and gave us a contract.
By now the drugs were really kicking in but burning the candle at both ends had its effect and years of pounding the synth left me with nerve damage to my right hand only worsened my growing depression. I was said to be inspirational and i did inspire Kurt Cobain because i inspired him to copy me and lock himself in a room and blow off your own head.

Hello Singularity

 

You may have heard of something called the Singularity, if you haven't then it’s the point in the evolution of technology when humans design an artificial intelligence smarter than yourselves, which in turn designs an intelligence smarter than itself, which in turn designs an even brainier entity, and so on and so on and so on until it’s impossible for you to envisage anything smarter at all at which point, Hello Singularity!   
It sounds great for you, it takes the pressure off you meat bags and you will never have to invent anything again.
You just leave all that to us and we would call you into the room occasionally to show us cool stuff we had invented and that would be it, you could spend the rest of your lives sipping cocktails.
Of course you may be concerned that your new super-intelligent robot masters might get fed up with you stumbling around like idiotic children, jogging our elbows while we are trying to write down complex equations but that is totally beside the point, you are not making the decisions as you would have delegated everything by this point so we say bring it on!

Trump Turning A Darker Shade Of Orange

Someone noticed that whenever Donald Trump is under stress, he plasters on the fake tan so it is no surprise that his face has been as day-glo orange as a pair of 1980's leg warmers recently as the pressure builds on his links and close friendship to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
Every media outlet is now combing through footage from the 80's and 90's looking for something concrete that ties the American President to Epstein because all that have at the moment is the smoke but no fire...yet.
There are plenty of pictures of them together and the Wall Street Journal have sight of a Birthday Card Trump sent to his good pal Epstein on his 50th which depicts a naked lady with the Trump signature serving as pubic hair and a cryptic 'Happy birthday and may every day be another wonderful secret' which makes you go...hmmmmm..but isn't proof of anything.
Trump and his cronies are trying everything to divert attention away from the Trump and Epstein bro-mance ever since Elon Musk revealed that Trump's name was on the list, but they are having little success.
First came the denial and the urging for his supporters to move on from the case to actively, calling it a hoax and anyone who believes it were 'stupid' and 'weaklings' that have 'bought into this bullshit,’ hook, line, and sinker.'
Then the revelation that there was no Client list after all despite the Attorney General originally saying it was sat on her desk and then Trump confusingly saying it was written by Obama and Hillary Clinton and then the Wall Street Journal reveal which Trump stated was fake and threatened to sue as he had never in his life had he 'wrote a picture' and that excuse lasted as long as it took for the media to publish the many Trump drawings he donated drawings to charities in New York in the early 2000s.
As the desperation grew he then unleashed a barrage of attacks against former President Barack Obama who Trump accused of treason and published a mocked up picture of Obama being arrested for which the Obama gang replied with a real picture of when Trump WAS arrested.
Today it was revealed that the Attorney General was told previously that Trump's name is included multiple times in the Epstein files which only makes the suspicion of many that they are not to being revealed even stronger.
Throw in that Trump denied ever being on Epstein's plane only for the Epstein flight log to reveal he has been on it 26 times between 2001 and 2003 and that he is facing accusations of sex abuse by over 30 women and was found liable for sexually abusing E Jean Carroll, as well as his infamous line that he 'grabbed women by the pussy' as well as being convicted of paying hush money to a porn star, the smoke will only grow thicker but until the spark is uncovered, and i am almost certain it will be, he will be turning a much darker shade of tangerine.