Saturday, 18 September 2021
Problem with that was i could fly and would soar above them at functions and wave and they didn't like that, thinking i was showing off but i can't help it if God gave me the power of flying.
I always had a thing with God, when i was a kid he would give me these really vivid visions and my mum said it was because i was born in a stable just like God's boy, him because his mum got caught short while out riding on her donkey but me because my dad died and we got kicked out our home and it was the nearest place with a roof.
So flying, that's pretty cool right, most Saints would have used their God given powers to heal the sick, feed the hungry or something good but i just soared into the sky and flew over crowds of people like a superhero in a Friars robe.
During a procession on the feast day for St. Francis of Assisi, i was just helping out, walking around like the rest of you humans, when i suddenly became overwhelmed by the spirit and soared into the air, hanging out over the crowd until one of my superiors ordered me to come down.
They said i wasn't flying, but climbing up really high on things and then jumping off and shouting 'look at me, i'm flying' but them and the many eye-witnesses who saw me climb up and jump off things are mistaken, i was actually flying like a penguin or whatever.
The Friars put up with it for a while and then said i was being too disruptive so they put me in a cell and i was forbidden from joining in anywhere where there was people, the words that they said sound passive, but also aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that.
Some nice men from the Inquisition came to pay me a visit and they took me to another Franciscan friary in the region to watch me fly and they were so impressed that they handed me over to some other Friars who looked after me and let me make my own rye bread which contained something called ergot but i think i was allergic to it because every time I eat more than 8 loaves i'd barf.
God may have made me fly but he didn't stop me from dying but i was made the patron saint of the mentally handicapped which is probably something cool like other people like me who can fly like flying machines or astronauts so every time you look up at the moon, think of me as i will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible.
Friday, 17 September 2021
Usually, whenever Boris Johnson is holding a press conference, the only bollocks is what comes out of his mouth but this week it was Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty talking bollocks, or rather talking about Niki Minaji's.
Asked a question about the rapper spreading nonsense about her cousin's friends testicles swelling up after having the Covid vaccination, The Trinidad Health Authority came out to say that they were unaware of anyone on the island suffering from that particular medical difficulty and to be fair you would surely notice someone walking gingerly to the chemist for a bucket of Sudocream and Whitty poo-pooed it and said she was talking nonsense and should be ashamed and Boris Johnson also commented saying he wasn’t aware who she was.
Rather than doing some research by reading peer-reviewed academic journals on the safety of Covid vaccines with regards to sprouting unfeasibly large testicles, Minaj fought her way past her cousin's friends gigantic balls to find her phone and deciding not to take on the professor, fellow of the Royal College of Physicians, fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences, Companion of the Order of the Bath and Ebay seller of 'Next Slide Please' mugs, but tweeted that she forgave Johnson and 'loved him' and his accent followed by ugh! Yassss boo!!!
Now i don't know if Minaj's ugh! Yasss boo!!! was an attempt at British but she did later put out a voice mail which did have quite a decent British accent admittedly although the references to Margaret Thatcher who hasn't been in the news since leaving office 30 years ago show that her dedication to British politics only stretches to current Coronavirus briefings.
Minaj may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but even she should know that if you want to mock a British accent, you use phrases such as 'tally ho, i say old chap fancy a cuppa' for posh British, for chav British it's 'oi init bruvv, we goin hit the legs this is well waffle munter bruv' and 'right, i'm off up the frog and toad to the rub a dub dub to get well Brahm's and List' for cockneys.
I would go easy on the loving Boris Johnson though because we can forgive many things over here but loving the poor man's Donald Trump we could never forgive.
It was a Franciscan friar who gave me my first music lessons, teaching me guitar and violin and i began out as a busker and was spotted by Duke Roger de Lorraine who just happened to be looking for someone to teach his niece and i was hired.
Between teaching her what a C and D chord was, i got to play with several of the other household musicians and i really enjoyed dancing with the travelling entertainers and my talent shone out so when the aristocracy was exiled to the provinces, i was taken on by young Louis XIV and made royal composer for instrumental music.
I collaborated on court performances with all the best musicians of the era and when Louis XIV took over the reins of government, he especially liked my powerful, livelier tunes and named me the superintendent of the royal music and music master of the royal family including director of his personal violin orchestra.
I would really give it some and while giving a particularly vigorous performance of 'Te Deum' i got so into the music and was waving my baton around with so much gusto that i accidentally crushed my own foot with a conducting baton.
Admittedly that doesn't sound too bad, a few people have been injured by jabbing one of those little sticks in their own eye hole but my baton was huge, more like a cricket bat and it crushed my toes which became infected and gangrenous and the doctors said they would have to amputate it but i refused as it would mean i wouldn't be able to dance in the future which turned out was a few weeks long because the gangrene spread through my body and ultimately infected my brain causing my death so with hindsight, bit of an own goal there.
Thursday, 16 September 2021
As the doctors orders were to party hearty, i went all out and went for a wildlife theme with my knights dressed in animal costumes made from the very best grease-soaked linen covered in flax, resin, and feathers.
It was going great and then my brother, the Duke of Orleans, arrived at the party late and as drunk as only a French Duke could be and grabbed a candelabra and joined the dancing line.
Now grease soaked lined covered in flax, resin and feathers make great costumes but are not so much use when they come into contact with a naked flame from a candle on a candelabra held by a drunken idiot. Bet you can guess where this is going.
The party become known as 'The Ball of the Burning Men' which is aptly named as all the Knights were burned to death except one who leapt into a vat of water and me as my auntie threw her dress over me to put out the flames which meant the party was a bit of a bummer overall.
If nothing else the incident did alert the Palace to the importance of fire safety but it didn't do much for my mental state as neither did the English keep trying to kill me which is why i personally took charge of the troops at Agincourt.
There are certain jobs in the world where you just assume that the people doing them are competent but sometimes circumstances conspire to put the fate of a nation into the hands of people you wouldn't trust to sit the right way round on a toilet so we were routed despite the English being outnumbered twenty to one but me forgetting which side i on was during one battle and killing eight of my own soldiers before being overpowered and held down by my knights until i fell asleep never helped.
That's my story then and there is so much more but i can't hang around too long as i have just been polished and smudges are a nightmare to get off. Bonjour!
Wednesday, 15 September 2021
The right wing are missing many things such as brain-cells, morals and intelligence but something the British right wing is not missing is a News Channel which panders to their misguided beliefs because they have the brand spanking new GB News which promised to represent the things the 'woke channels' don't but if you are a right winger you had better be quick because it is sinking faster than Prince Andrews reputation.
The brains behind the channel was Andrew Neil but the lead presenter and chairman has officially quit after 'taking a break' two months ago but he is only the latest name to flounce off since the launch which has amused us all with backbiting, technical problems, collapsing scenery, no viewers, advertisers pulling their adverts, briefing wars against presenters who are either 'not right wing enough' and those who are 'too far right' and amidst all that the jolly old British public keep sending in prank emails from people
claiming to be called names like Mike Hunt, Mike Oxlong, Cleo Torez, Tess Tegel and Hugh Janus.
With Neil now off to pursue other interests (aka crawling back to the BBC), the channel is free to turn into the UK equivalent of Fox News although Neil always denied they were aiming that low but now the channel has drafted in professional gobshite Nigel Farage and a bunch of his loony UKIP and Brexit pals to beef up the content, Fox News is hilariously where it is heading.
If nothing else the almost non-existent viewing figures indicates that the number of gammon-faced, frothing at the mouth right wing idiots in the UK is small and as the channel could very well be out of business soon, you will need to be quick if you want to see it unless Dave or the Comedy Channel step in.
My road to redemption and Sainthood begins like all great stories with an attempted rape using demon minions when a man came to me and said that he had his lustful eye on a certain wench called Justina and could i use my black arts to cast a spell to get her to bump fuzzies with him and despite him having the face not even a mother could love, i took his money and accepted the challenge.
I sent a few of the minor demons her way and waited for the confirmation that the deed had been done but she batted them away so i sent a few more of my more reliable spells her way and again she stood firm and kept her legs firmly at half past 6 and after i dug deep and conjured up the most sexually explicit spell i could and she still refused to buckle, the customer came to see me to ask for his money back and i went to see her and demanded to know how she could ward off the dozens of hell spawned sexual assaults i sent her way and she showed me that by making the sign of the cross, she was able to repel the evil spirits.
I had assumed it was to do with the man being so ugly he would make a bulldog cry so i was surprised when she said it was God protecting her and as Christianity was becoming more popular and my business would be heading down the gurgler with the use of a simple hand gesture, i became a priest and became firm friends with Justina.
The problem with becoming a priest in the time of Emperor Diocletian was that he got a bit head-choppy with them and when he found out he had both of us seized, taken to Damascus to be tortured and beheaded on the bank of the river Gallus.
I did write a book of powerful spells for praying or invoking Saints and included a few of the, let's call them love spells, but i can't be held responsible for any results of using these spells or any resulting husbands or wives who you thought would be your one true love but turn out to be huge douches.
Tuesday, 14 September 2021
I only became Pope because gangs were rioting in the streets and the election of the unpopular Venetian Cardinal Barbo was going to make things worse so i got the nod as the least bad option and found myself in the big chair and decided to take on Witchcraft, the Turks and the Kingdom of Naples.
Naples was easy, i invited King Charles VIII of France to come to Italy with an army and take possession of Naples which they did although it did spark an eleven year war but by then i had moved onto tackling the Turkish Ottoman Empire.
The Bayezid II ruled as Sultan of the Ottoman Empire but his brother Cem was forever trying to overthrow him and when he came to us and offered perpetual peace between the Ottoman Empire and Christendom if we backed him, the Sultan offered to pay us 120,000 crowns and 45,000 ducats a year if we kept him captive.
Bayezid II didn't promise peace with the Christians but all we did to keep the peace was threaten to free his brother if his sights turned to any Christian nation which worked just as well.
With Naples and the Turks sorted, i decided to tick witchcraft off my to-do list and got together some experts who said that witchcraft was to blame for all miscarriages, crimes, ruined fruits and vineyards, bad weather and any failed harvests so i issued a papal decree which made it illegal to impede the inquisitors investigating sorcery.
So with a war raging in Naples, the smell of burning witches filling the air and the Turks tamed, i was pretty happy with my achievements and then i fell ill with a high temperature and growing weaker by the day, which was a problem because this was the 'apply leeches to the affected area' era of medicine so the pulling ideas out of your arse didn't only apply to Papal decisions and the best doctors came up with the idea of feeding me milk from a young girls breast.
As much fun as that was, they decided it wasn't working and decided instead of milk i needed a young persons blood to drink so they rounded up three ten-year-old boys and brought them to the Vatican to serve as donors.
Amazingly that never worked either and it didn't do much for the boys either because they drew too much blood from them and killed them all so days later three ten year old boys and Pope were laying dead, me with a horrible aftertaste in my mouth.
Monday, 13 September 2021
At the end of an extensive worldwide investigation, i can today confirm that we have tracked down the Conservative Governments missing morals and empathy, bringing to an end the intense speculation that surrounded its unexpected disappearance during the Theresa Coffey interview where she exclaimed that she was 'extremely happy' with the £20 removal of Universal Credits and people could make up the extra
money by just working longer hours.
Coffey earns £149,437 and receives a further £10k a year rental income from a second home but i was contacted this afternoon by the Conservative Parties morals and empathy who both condemned Boris Johnson's repressive regime.
'It's terrible! The way we are treated at the moment is an absolute disgrace' said morals, 'We are ignored, sidelined. We don’t have the opportunities open to us that are there for others such as greed, ignorance and indifference'.
Empathy continued his rant saying 'Compared to Unscrupulous and prejudice we’re like third-class citizens, and don’t get me started on corruption'.
'Johnson has never shown one iota of interest in our feelings. We are just left in a cupboard most of the time' Morals added 'Put it this way, our lives are miserable, i just don't see any future for us with the Conservative Party. It's sad times indeed'.
At the time of writing, the search for the Conservative Parties honesty and fairness continues.
I imagine it isn't easy to find ministers willing to be sent out to do the Sunday morning media run after the last few weeks because they seem to spend the first few shows defending the Governments position on something only for the Government to do a screeching u-turn and the embarrassed minister then finds himself made to look even more of a fool.
It happened again this Sunday with Vaccine Minister Nadhim Zahawi painfully explaining to Sky News why the Government are introducing Covid Passports to protect everyone only for Boris Johnson to put out a statement that they have been scrapped moments before he was appearing on BBC News and Zahawi found himself explaining why Covid Passports are not all that important actually.
Ever since the pandemic started, the Government have been as indecisive as Donald Trump faced with a KFC, Mcdonald's and a porn star and one of Boris Johnson's very first press conferences was to joyfully say he had been shaking hands with Covid patients just after his Chief Medical Officer had finished warning about not shaking hands with anyone. Obviously Johnson went down with Covid and ended up on a ventilator but that is par for the course for him.
Now after last week's announcement that Passport's were definitely coming in followed by yesterdays announcement that they aren't, a press meeting has been called for tomorrow where the Prime Minister will set out his plan to deal with coronavirus during the upcoming autumn and winter months, including Covid passports which he has said could now be an option.
So just to be clear, the official message is work from home but don't work from home and take public transport only we don't want you to take public transport but try not to go outside and shake anyone's hands but make sure you stay in and don't actually shake hands but you can go outside but you will need a Covid Passport which they are not introducing but definitely will soon.
Got it? Good, now explain it to Boris because he hasn't got a clue.
My family ruled over Yue, a state in China, and we never got along with our neighbours, the Wu's, and when my father died and i became King, i got a nasty present for my coronation when the Wu's attacked and i was captured and was taken prisoner and held in captivity for three years until i convinced the King of Wu that if he let me return to my state, i would not make any trouble and play real nice.
With a hearty farewell i bid the King goodbye and spent the next decade devising strategies for some payback and waiting for the opportune time to strike which was handily provided by a locust-induced famine which struck Wu, so i marched my army and all of the criminals who had been sentenced to death in our prison to the border.
Wu sent their army to meet us and we stood either side of the border staring at each other waiting for the command to start hacking each other to pieces and this is where my masterplan came into effect.
I ordered all the convicts to the front and told them to take a few steps forward and in full view of the enemy, ordered the men to take out knives, scream, and slit their own throats.
A few hesitated but the massive army of armed-to-the-teeth soldiers standing right behind them soon solved that and after that, i sent in another wave of soon to be dead anyway convicts, then another until all the criminals lay on the ground with their windpipes slashed by their own hand.
The enemy troops, not knowing they were convicts and assuming they were regular army, stared slack-jawed and contemplated how they could hope to fight people who were prepared to kill themselves and as they pondered on that, the rest of my forces sneaked up from behind and annihilate them.
As we marched onto the capital, the King of Wu committed suicide and we eventually took over and annexed the state and everyone lived happily ever after, except for the Wu academics, we slaughtered all them but everyone else was okay about it.