Wednesday, 28 February 2007

It's All Very Dr. Moreauish

It is outrageous that the Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. They would of had a much better chance of success if they had used a sniper rifle or a shoulder launched grenade.
Talking of half human, half other species, i find the whole debate over whether or not to create embryos that are part-human, part-animal, as unnerving.
I know that scientists claim they could use the cross species to research lifesaving stem cell therapies and treatments for diseases such as Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and cystic fibrosis.
The researchers would take a cell from a patient and insert it into an animal egg to make an embryo. Embryonic stem cells extracted from the embryo would then be grown into nerves and other tissues, giving scientists unprecedented insight into how the disease develops in the body.
It seems to have overtures of 'The Island of Dr. Moreau' about it to me which all leads nicely to that well worn joke about a friends boyfriend who likes to tell everyone that he is an animal in the bedroom.
He poops in the corner.

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

You Should Never Come Back

Hollywood filmmaker James Cameron claims to have discovered the tomb of Jesus Christ which contains the remains of Mary Magdalene and possibly their son Judah.
Now if my shaky grip on Christianity is right, this is the second time the Lord has come out of retirement but this time he has bought the family with him.
Ask any veteran of the entertainment industry and they will tell you that you should never return once you have retired. In Jesus's case the first time, when he did the water-into-wine and the multiplying of the fishes things, he may have been cutting edge but David Blaine would knock him into a cocked hat these days.
In other news, the original basket used by the Easter Bunny has been discovered in a field by a Wisconsin Farmer and a tiny leather satchel with the initials TF etched on the side has been identified as the Tooth Fairy's. Big teethed children everywhere are being described as 'excited'.

Sunday, 25 February 2007

Getting In A Flap

News of mankind's impending doom seem to come and go with regularity but somehow we are still managing to survive to wreak havoc for all the other creatures of the planet. The latest scare to our continuation as a species came in the form of Bird Flu last week when it turned up in East England which much fanfare and doom from the media but was largely shrugged off by the bored general public.
Not to dismiss the seriousness of anyone who has contracted this disease but it's name does not strike fear into the heart of the population. The Black Death, The Plague, Ebola virus or even methicillin resistant Staphylococcus aureus all have mighty names that command you take them serious.
The phrase "bird flu" conjures up visions of mallards sucking down Lemsip and pigeons cradling the telephone in one weak wing and croaking, "No, I'm sorry, I can't come in and poop on any windscreens today - I think I'm coming down with something."
Maybe scientists could name it wing-borne obliteration and give us a proper go at worrying ourselves to an earlier grave.

Saturday, 24 February 2007

Who's The Daddy?

Anne Nichole Smith's young child is going to have a headache when Fathers Day comes around and there must be quite a bit of head scratching going on in the Windsor household when Harry writes his fathers name on the cards envelope.
Diana and James Hewitt (left) began there affair in 1982 and continued it until 1992 with a little bundle of Harryness (centre) arriving in 1986 in the middle of their fling.
Whispered rumours ever since have circulated that Hewitt is the natural father and Buck House have refused to allow Harry to take a DNA test to prove who's the daddy. Don't know if it is just me but look at the pics above and tell me there is no smoke from this Royal fire.

Friday, 23 February 2007

Harry Off To War

Prince Harry is well known for not being the sharpest bulb in the box. The third in line to the throne even needed help to pass his A level art, and you need to be a doofus of biblical proportions to fail art.
To show just how in touch with his Grans public the ginger haired royal is, he's apparently chomping at the bit to go to that smoking hole we used to call Iraq just as everyone else is coming back. He will be expected to wear the uniform of the British Army (minus the safety features and boots of course) and not the Nazi uniform that he favoured a few years back.
To be fair to the man who looks suspiciously like James Hewitt who was having an affair with Princess Diana at the time of his conception (hmmmm), he could of tugged the strings to keep his lazy backside in safety but he chose not to. An even better statement would of been to refuse to go because this war is a wrong'un, not like they would slam him in the Tower. And if they did he would gets lots of time brush up on his watercolours.

Once Bitten

The term "deja vu" is French for "already seen" and describes the feeling that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously.
The ever cheerful George Santayana stated that those who cannot learn from History are doomed to repeat it.
And so Mr Santayana is proved correct once again as the UN dismisses the intelligence on Iran's nuclear facilities provided to inspectors by US spy agencies.
The claims, spookily reminiscent of the intelligence fiasco surrounding the Iraq war,
about supposed secret weapons sites provided by the CIA and other US intelligence agencies have led to dead ends when investigated by IAEA inspectors, according to UN sources.
"Most of it has turned out to be incorrect," a diplomat at the IAEA said.
"They gave us a paper with a list of sites. We did some follow-up and went to some military sites, but there was no sign of banned nuclear activities".
Seems the leaders may not of learned anything but we have, we have especially taken on board that we cannot believe a word anyone associated with the invasion of Iraq is saying.

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

Caption Competition #3

Always a rich seam of humour, the Pope entertaining the American President.
My line would be : "Yo Pope, is this one as good as My Pet Goat?"

Nothing To See Here

Would all the Canadians, Americans, Swedes & Australians, Israeli and the one South African who visit here please look away now.
That's it, nothing to see here. Not posting anything so you may as well move onto the Caption Competition. See ya.
Right, iMuslim, Little Cheese, you still there?
I have been looking about the blogosphere trying to make contact with some British blogs and i stumbled across some right wing extremist blogs, BNP and anti-everyone else and all that sort of thing. And there was lots of them. And they were all extreme.
I think if we keep it quiet and don't mention it we can keep a lid on this and the World will continue to think of us Brits as upstanding citizens of the World Community and not as a bunch of moronic idiots with knuckles that scrape the floor when we walk.
Your right Little Cheese, but there is nothing we can do about the Royal Family, just no mentioning the other ones who are a disgrace to us Brits.

Just A Moment Mr. Blair

Seems i may have to hand in my sandals because i am in danger of being thrown out of the lefty muesli eating brigade.
The big news here is the withdrawal of the British troops from Iraq, which to my like minded friends is great news, three cheers and vegetarian sausages for everyone. The thing is, it may be excellent news for the soldiers and their families but is it good news for the Iraqis?
In case anyone has forgotten, it was us who wrecked their country, killed 650,000 of their people and filled their country with real terrorists and not the ones in Tony Blair's/George Bush's minds.
Blair said that the British part of the country is safe to hand over to the Iraqis so its mission accomplished and let's all get off home. As we are ducking out, Baghdad goes to hell in a handcart and the USA are sending an extra 21,000 troops to try and sort it out.
Call me fickle, but don't we have a moral obligation to cease the mayhem we introduced in the whole country before we naff off home?
OK, i will hand in my tie dye t-shirt & beads at the door on the way out.

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

Loose Change Conspiracy Theory

Conspiracy theories are usually confined to the edges where the loony tunes and anti-socialites live. Sometimes one such theory moves into the mainstream but it generally gets shot down in flames and creeps back to the fringes with its tail between its legs.
The latest, the theory that the Bush Government created and acted out the September 11th attack, is being driven by the documentary Loose Change.
As the buzz continues to grow over this film which sets out to put facts behind the theories, i sat with a group of like-minded friends to watch it.
Sixty minutes or so later any doubts i had were banished. This really is the work of dangerous morons with shoddy and ludicrous conclusions.
Anyone who actually takes at face value what they see in this film deserves to be ridiculed.
We have enough on Bush and his crowd without jumping on this far fetched conspiracy.
Bin Laden orchestrated the attacks and although you have the freedom to make up your own mind, we also have the freedom to call you a gullible fool if you are taken in by this.

Monday, 19 February 2007

Tagged For Quotes

AV has tagged me for my 5 favourite quotes so in no particular order:

I may be drunk, but tomorrow morning I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly by the old woman hating alcoholic, Winston Churchill.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Writer Mary Roberts Rinehart sums up my thoughts on War totally.

I may be as likely to believe in the teachings of the Bible as i am as likely to grow a goatee and call myself Cecil, but this quote is something we should all aspire to -
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. from the nappy wearing Indian, Mahatma Gandhi

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. A Chinese Proverb that an old lecturer had pinned above his board.

I would of loved to include some Groucho Marx, his brother Karl Marx, Jean Jacques Rosseau or George Orwell but these five are goodies.

Saturday, 17 February 2007

A Chance To Right A Musical Injustice

Since the recent rule change whereby any legally downloaded song is eligible to chart, we can expect to see some classics as well as some real duffers from by-gone years back in the UK top 40.
Although peoples tastes are wildly different when it comes to music, there are some songs that should of been strangled at birth which have risen to to the top while more deserving efforts have floundered.
So we have a chance to right a few wrongs, musically anyway, and give some old hits the top ranking they deserved.
If i was restricted to dishing out justice for just 1 song not getting the credit it deserved, i would have to plump for the Undertones 'Teenage Kicks'.
The Brits should hang their collective heads in shame that probably the greatest record ever made, only crept to number 31.

Friday, 16 February 2007

Parenting The Brit Way

Within minutes of the UNICEF report being released which stated that the Brits were the worst parents in the developed World, the news channels were filled with outraged mothers and fathers.
The video guys didn't have time to slot in a backing track to accompany the whining but if it had, the obvious choice would of been Black Sabbath's Paranoid.
"It's the UN, they hate us after Iraq anyway," stormed one flat capped Northerner who looked as if he had stepped out of Last of The Summer Wine.
"What do they know" cackled one woman while her boyfriend chipped in with "Everyone hates us and the yanks, it's jealousy".
And so it went on with the blame apportioned to the Schools, Government, drugs, computer games, films and the UN.
Parenting the British way. Take no responsibility for your own and blame everyone else.

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Caption Competition #2

Brilliant reaction to the last caption contest so lets do it again with Saddam in Court.

Saddam : Oh, go on.
Guard : Sir, for the last time, i am not going to pull your finger.

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Diplomacy Triumphs...Again.

The dropping of bombs on assorted countries by ridiculously governed nations in recent years has provoked much scorn among the tree hugging lefty fraternity. "You can't talk to these people," the righty safe-at-home-miles-away-from-the-actual-bombing knuckle scrapers whined incessantly, until stopping abruptly this morning when it became apparent that, actually, you can.
North Korea has agreed to close its nuclear reactor and readmit international inspectors in exchange for fuel aid as the first step towards disarming its atomic arsenal.
Dinky Kim Jong-Il was never really on George Bush's 'to bomb' list once it was proven he had got his tiny hands on Nuclear weapons but it didn't stop the North Korean for being blamed for everything from sinking the Titanic to Bush falling off his bike (twice) but now there is talk of taking North Korea off the terrorist states shortlist.
Tehran and Damascus take note. Brave armchair warmongers take an aspirin and go to bed, your moment in the sun has passed.

Monday, 12 February 2007

God Save The Queen

With Helen Mirren and her movie "The Queen" pocketing awards like Winona Ryder pockets make-up in a department store, the English actress has had plenty of chances to work on her acceptance speech.
It is all very well being witty, charming and as stunning as a 61 year old can be, but her dialogue when she picks up her gongs is missing a vital ingredient.
It is an absolute necessity that she forgets all about her agent, her co-stars, the director and all the people that helped her on the way to this moment and thank one person. God.
You must always thank God. Thank God as one should thank God, when He has preferred you over those other losers in your category. God spends a good deal of time watching all those movies, deciding on who to reward, sometimes neglecting Iraq to do so, so don't disrespect Him by failing to look up at the ceiling and thanking the bearded one.
Otherwise he might smite you for that horrible Nicole Kidman next year.

Sunday, 11 February 2007

Caption Competition #1

I enjoy the competitions that sometimes run on other Blogs so i thought I would run one of my own.
No prizes but an excellent chance to show off your wit by composing a suitable caption for this picture.

My Effort "What's that God? You want me to invade where next?"

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Times change and we have to change with them and so it was inevitable that one day i would get around to sorting out my music collection. CD's lay abandoned in almost every room, congregating around the various CD players i have spotted about the place. My position has always been that CD's should be left to find their own order.
The frequently used will get pride of place somewhere close to the music hardware while those you have played only once and know you never will again, drift quietly down to less accessible areas between chairs, behind the computer and under the stairs.
Some music is it easy to part with and does make you wonder just what exactly you were smoking when you made the decision to part with your hard earned to buy it.
Others are just impossible to part with but as i looked back over my maturing musical tastes, i suddenly realised that my musical tastes have not matured at all.
All my life i have been listening to the angry, guitar based punk stuff from the likes of The Clash, Sex Pistols, The Ramones, Guns n Roses, Carter USM (who i 'borrowed' the name from for this blog), Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Green Day.
I did briefly wonder why i had not followed other friends of the same age who had fallen into liking more mellow, grown up music but that only lasted a few seconds as i threw The Ramones CD in the player, picked up the guitar, whacked the gain up on the amp and blasted out 'I Don't Wanna Grow Up'.
Altogether now..."When I'm lyin' in my bed at night, I don't wanna grow up, Nothing ever seems to turn out right, I don't wanna grow up..."

Friday, 9 February 2007

Anna Nicole Smith

I never really knew much about Anna Nicole Smith. She was best known this side of the World for marrying an 89 year old billionaire and the court fallout from that decision.
I always thought she looked a little like Marilyn Monroe and was not surprised to find out she was obsessed with the actress.
She next came to my attention late last year when her 20 year old son died of a drug overdose while visiting his mother in hospital after she had given birth.
Now at 39, she has died of reasons as yet unknown, but the whipsers are that she took her obsession with Marilyn Monroe to the ultimate conclusion.
Very sad that her life was spent chasing happiness and ended with such tragedy at such a young age.

Where Are The Brits?

Throughout History, us Brits have had a penchant for sticking our big noses into everything. Whenever anything was happening we would be there with our inquisitive proboscis trying to tell others what to do, when to do it and to whom.
As our star has waned, we have been relegated to turning up to these moments more in the role as the chap who makes the tea rather than a major player.
Maybe it is for this very reason that the Brits have a very poor showing in the Blogosphere which is dominated by Americans, Canadians and Australians.
I have been searching for some British blogs lately but they are quite thin on the ground, those worth reading anyway.
I have only a handful in the 40 or so i have bookmarked so where are all the British blogs that are not concerned about football, Take That or the best place to buy Playstation 2 games.
Come on Britain, find your voices Britain. Failing that, just a little milk but no sugar thanks and any of those choccy biccys left?

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Run DMC Cover Version Hell

One of the things i discovered as i age is i turn into my parents whenever a song from my teenage years is rehashed by one of todays groups. Many times in my youth i would be bouncing around the living room to Top of The Pops while my parents shook their heads moaning about how the original was much better.
Now, i have become my parents because one of the 80s most memorable songs has been trashed by a couple of girls groups.
Run DMC's 'Walk This Way' should be one of those songs deemed untouchable by today's groups because, and i was no fan of rap or Run DMC for that matter, they would not perform it any better.
For Girls Aloud and The Sugarbabes to take it on is beyond words and bordering on criminal. Everything about this version leaves me colder than a brass monkey in the Siberian Streaking Championships.
Or maybe i am just getting old.

All It Took Was 1 Brit Death

Over the last few days, nobody could of avoided seeing the sickening scenes of the American planes bombing the British tank convoy in the 'friendly fire' Gulf War incident.
A Lance Corporal lost his life and another 4 were injured as the vilification of American tactics and American pilots rumbles through the media.
As terrible and harrowing as this attack was, there have been worse atrocities where innocents have lost their lives in such a way but without the same degree of mourning.
In 2004, an American helicopter fired on a wedding party in western Iraq killing more than 40 people, including many children. Whole families wiped out in seconds.
The Chinese Embassy mistake, the Afghan Hospital debacle, the 100+ Afghan elders bombed by US fighter jets as they walked to safety, the more recent bombing of the building in Pakistan that killed over 80 worshippers. The grim list is endless and not to lessen the death of one British soldier, but where was the condemnation when all these other attacks were happening?
Maybe dropping such devastating weapons from the safety of a few thousands feet therefore multiplying the danger of innocent deaths below tenfold, is not such a good idea after all.
Shame it took the death of a single Brit to make everyone else realise it.

Monday, 5 February 2007

Midsummer Night's Dreary

The new Secondary School curriculum is being planned and a few subjects have been made 'untouchable', therefore mandatory to be taught. Included are English, Maths and all the usual sensible subjects that we use pretty much everyday of our lives but i can never understand the obsession with Shakespeare.
Why should Shakespeare be made untouchable? I read Shakespeare at School and apart from the hours spent sitting in English Lit, i have never used Shakespeare once since i left school apart from throwing out the occasional quote to sound smart alecky.
There are much better authors with stories more relavant to today but we stick with the same old boring beardy bloke from Stratford Upon Avon.
Forsooth, what through yonder window breaks..ti's my works of Shakespeare book.

British Jews Make A Stand

For anyone that isn't Jewish, condemnation of Israel always opens a can of worms which is why 130 of Britain's most prominent Jews have created Independent Jewish Voices (JIV).
The initiative was born out of a frustration with the widespread misconception that the Jews of this country speak with one voice - and that this voice supports the Israeli government’s policies unconditionally.
Harold Pinter, Stephen Fry and leading academics are among 130 signatories declaring independence from the country's Jewish establishment, arguing that it puts support for Israel above the human rights of Palestinians which is in conflict with Jewish principles of justice and compassion.
The catalyst for the movement was a speech by Britain's chief rabbi, Sir Jonathan Sacks, telling a pro-Israeli rally in London last year: "Israel, you make us proud" while the Lebanon conflict and the bloodshed in the occupied territories was at its height.
The JIV urges 'support for a properly negotiated peace between the Israeli and Palestinian people and oppose any attempt by the Israeli government to impose its own solutions on the Palestinians.
It is imperative and urgent that independent Jewish voices find a coherent and consistent way of asserting themselves on these and other issues of concern. We hereby reclaim the tradition of Jewish support for universal freedoms, human rights and social justice.'

To Swear Or Not To Swear

Swearing. Some people choose to punctuate their sentences with Anglo-Saxon vernacular and some choose to go for mild expletives. I can only think of one real proper guttural word that still causes winces when uttered but anything else is pretty much sprinkled about with abandon.
Personally, i go for the mild expletive option but occasionally a word seems to slip out of the real heavy stuff into acceptable usage and lately one word in particular seems to have slipped down the outrageous ranks to everyday vocabulary.
I do not know if the word is used elsewhere, but once upon a time if you called someone a 'Tosser', you could expect at the very least a swift return of verbals.
It seems to of become one of those descriptive words that has lost it's real meaning, like Berk, and although you wouldn't choose to use it in polite company, you could get away with using it elsewhere if you desired, including Sky News which is where i heard it this morning. If it is good enough for Rupert Murdoch's Corporation then it is good enough for me. That Rupert Murdoch, what a Tosser.

Saturday, 3 February 2007

Chavez Making A Monkey Of Bush

Regular readers will know that i have a soft spot for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Not only is he a Socialist implementing the Socialist dream in his country, but he has an excellent choice in barbed sideswipes at his detractors.
His fodder is usually George Bush as it was again this time as the US President said that Chavez was "undermining ... democratic institutions by the recent passage of a controversial enabling law to allow for government by decree."
In reply, Hugo described Mr Bush as "evil," a "criminal" but then added that he was "more dangerous than a monkey with a razor blade".
Great stuff.

Hate To Say We Told You So...But...

As an Environmentalist i have been banging on about Climate Change for as long as i can remember. Some people, as is their prerogative, chose to debate with me about rising sea levels and warmer temperatures. Others swallowed the line put out by the oil companies and others with an agenda, that man made climate change was a fallacy put out by us moon bats.
After hundreds of the Worlds scientists gave their starkest warning yet that unless we cut our greenhouse emissions we face devastation, even the most pigheaded climate change denier must of got the message through their skulls.
The report said that human activity was 90% responsible for the warming but the easiest thing would be for us smug faced tree huggers to sit back and say we told you so. Actually, a bit of sitting back and saying we told you so would be quite rewarding.
So....told you so didn't we.
Now go let down the tyres of that neighbours SUV as penance.

The House Always Wins

Hospitals packed to the rafters with the sick and dying while judges are warned not to send any more criminals to prison for a while because they are full, so what does this Government decide to build more of?
Casino's, and not just any old ragtail casino but a SuperCasino slap bang in the middle of one of the most deprived areas in the Country. Way to go brainiac.
Who cares if you have to wait six months in extreme pain for an operation for those dodgy gall stones or if pedophiles are let off with a warning, as has already happened, because there are no places left to incarcerate them at her Majesty's pleasure.
Gamblers anonymous had better rent a larger hall because it is sure to see an increase in its membership.
Bound to be a few freed potential criminals and sick and dying among them as well.