Tuesday, 31 July 2018

Is It Iran Next For American Aggression?

Ever since Jimmy Carter in the 1970's, every American President has had a war and Donald Trump is not going to be an exception but the question is who will the President decide is the unlucky recipient of American death and destruction.
Despite Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and Yemen all going spectacularly awfully, the next war seems to be yet another sandy, middle eastern country and Iran are the current favourites to be on the end of another violent act of American aggression.
Following Trumps all caps tweet in which he threatened Iran will: 'suffer consequences the likes of which few throughout history have ever suffered before', the eyes seem to be swivelling towards dealing with Iran although it is a problem of Americas making.
Despite everyone else saying it was working, it was Donald Trump who pulled the US out of the Iranian nuclear accord and imposed sanctions and on the Trump team now is Iraq War architect and all round warmonger John Bolton.
The militarily aggressive Israel is also in the mix have been itching to take out Iran as a rival in the region for decades and it doesn't take much to see the groundwork for war is being laid right before our very eyes.
Iran is being vilified as the bad guy Iran despite currently not bombing, oppressing or invading anyone and is actively fighting terror groups such as ISIS but is being painted as an aggressive, terrorist supporting nation which actively needs confronting. 
They fooled many into supporting them in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya and so they will try again with Iran buts let's be a little bit less gullible this time, this is America's tried and trusted route to yet another war and resulting regime change.

Working Out What's Fake News

The British Government is setting up an anti-fake news unit because we’re told that fake news is everywhere these days, especially by people who you suspect are partial to a little fake news themselves.
So what exactly is fake news?
It's news that's made up or not quite real or twists the facts, think Boris Johnson and that message on the side of that big red bus or Damian Green and his 'it was my assistant' when porn was found on his computer.
A good rule of thumb is if a politician calls a story 'fake new' they are generally covering something up, Donald Trump and his mad fake news ramblings about him not affairs with porn stars while paying them $130,000 and playboy models behind his wife's back is an excellent example.
What is now labelled 'Fake News' is just what we once called bullshit and most humans have a working brain which they can use to think for themselves and it comes with a pre-installed bullshit detector so while we can easily dismiss the Royals being lizards, sometimes the term fake news is simply used by people in power to dismiss opinions that will embarrass them or they simply don’t agree with.
It won't stop some people some believing mad stuff like climate change denial or that the Earth is flat but it's a worry that we are going to be told what is and isn't fake news by politicians.
It's not that difficult to make up your own mind about a story, just look at the evidence and the source and then engage that bit of the brain that filters out the made up bits and either dismiss it as bullshit or accept that someone has been caught out doing something they don't want you to know about and are trying to cover it up by loudly shouting 'fake news' at it.

Monday, 30 July 2018

Rock 'n' Roll Hall Of Shame

Music history is littered with rebellious figures who courted controversy and while some of the more troubled of these souls succumbed to their respective demons and left us with just the tales of their badassery, others got slammed into prison for a while and then carried on regardless.
Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys may not look like your common or garden drunken thug but after punching a bouncer, he went to jail for a few hours until he could be released on bail.
Pearl Jam front man Eddie Vedder spent the night in jail for public drunkenness and disturbing the peace while Bobby Brown was sat in cell for nine hours for the same offence but Justin Bieber served
24 hours in jail after being charged with drink driving, resisting arrest, driving with an expired license, and underage drinking and probably a few extra hours for that 'Baby' song.
Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong served eight days in jail for a drink driving conviction and Glen Campbell served 10 days in jail for drink driving and leaving the scene of an accident.   
Paul McCartney had a close up view of a Japanese prison for nine days for drug possession and Vince Neil of Motley Crue spent 15 days in jail for vehicular manslaughter and drink driving.
George Michaels served four weeks in prison for drink driving and Mark Wahlberg spent 45 days in jail for beating a man with a stick.
Ozzy Osbourne spent six weeks in jail for shoplifting and several hours in jail later for urinating on the monument to The Alamo while dressed in his wife's clothes, nothing weird about that then.
John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas served one month for faking drug prescriptions and Lauryn Hill spent three months in prison for tax evasion which was a month shorter than Boy George of Culture Club fame who served four months in jail for false imprisonment of an escort and Barry White who stole $30,000 of Cadillac tyres and spent 4 months in the slammer.
50 Cent got 6 months for selling drugs, Billie Holiday served 10 months for drug possession as did David Crosby and Tupac Shakaur got 11 months for sexual assault.
Ike Turner served 17 months in prison for drug offences which is almost as long as Chuck Berry who was sentenced to 18 months in prison for transporting a 14 year old girl for immoral purposes but he must have liked it because he was later back in for another 120 days for tax evasion.
Gary Glitter was arrested for possession of child pornography and spent 2 months in prison and on his release moved to Vietnam and served three years in prison there for sex with underage girls.
James Brown spent six years in prison for aggravated assault and evading police while Phil Spector is currently serving a 19 year sentence for murder.
The moral of the story is if you need some drugs look for a musician as they seem to have stashes of them and if an old lady with a deep Brummie accent and a pretty dress asks you for directions to the toilet, point them towards the nearest statue as its probably Ozzie dying for a pee.

Sunday, 29 July 2018

NASA 60th Birthday

In a relatively short space of time, humans have gone from tentatively sending the first artificial satellite around the Earth in 1960 to landing exploration probes on other planets and today is the 60th Birthday of NASA and the progress we have made is astounding.
Driven by the Cold war, the Soviet Union and the USA competed to go bigger and better and although the USSR achieved many firsts, it
was NASA who landed a human on the Moon to take the ultimate space race prize. 
The Apollo 11 Mission will forever stay the highpoint for NASA, or at least until a successful manned Mars mission, and the Earthrise photograph taken by Apollo 8 astronaut Bill Anders is amazing but there is a more poignant, thought provoking and beautiful photograph snapped in 1990 by Voyager 1 as it made it's way out of the Solar System.
At a distance of 40 Astronomical units or 3,757,059,000 miles, the space probe turned its camera back towards Earth and took a picture which became known as the Pale Blue Dot.
Astronomer Carl Sagan made one of the greatest speeches ever which puts it into perspective brilliantly:

'That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. Every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot.

Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.'

Elegant and powerful words but yet we still we go on vandalising the only place that we have to live on.
 What the image and Sagan's bewitching words drive home as we look at that tiny pinprick of light in the vast blackness of space is how our place, for all our arrogance, is just a tiny, infinitesimal part of a colossal universe.

Friday, 27 July 2018

90 Days Of Summer: Day 57

Donald Trump isn't the only one who likes a good storm, so do i although the storm i prefer leaves more of a damp spot.
All day yesterday my weather apps said the South Coast of the UK was going to get thunderstorms arriving from France in the afternoon to give respite from the heat and sun being pushed our way from continental Europe.
Then the thunderstorms got pushed back to the evening then to the night and then cancelled altogether so sign me up to Brexit, we need to take control of our weather and stop the EU weather coming over here, making it hot. We should threaten to stop our rain going over there because they need our rain more than we need their sun.
My weather apps (BBC, Apple and METCheck) are all predicting thunderstorms again for today and things are starting to get desperate here, yesterday i almost spilt my bottle of Becks in the park when i reached for the suncream. The NHS are warning we need to drink 2.3 to 3 litres a day to stay hydrated and as they never specified what we need to drink, i'm going with beer.
Hopefully the thunderstorms will turn up today so sorry Galileo, thunder bolts and lightning may be very very frightening but i'm hot, tired and cranky and me and Scaramouch will only do the Fandango if we are ankle deep in puddles and the sky is lighting up like a dangerously overloaded Christmas Tree.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Jesus: The Early Years

I'm not sure who had the responsibility of picking the stories about Jesus to put into the Bible but whoever it was decided to go from born in a manger straight to adulthood and missed out all the teenage angst bits of a teenage Jesus in Nazareth.  
The rejected bits that didn't make it in went into another book, the New Testament Apocrypha, a series of tales deemed unfit for inclusion due to being a bit mad.
For example, the first dropped onto the cutting room floor came from the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, Chapter 18 which tells of how a two year old Jesus stopped a horde of scaly, fire-breathing, winged lizard-dragons from eating his friends and family. 
The Infancy Gospel of Thomas 3:2-3 tells how whilst five-year-old Jesus was playing beside a small brook with some other children, he got splashed by one of the other kid and in a fit of pique, told him that: 'thou shalt be withered like a tree' and the boy started ageing rapidly and withered away.
Later that day, in the Infancy Gospel of Thomas 4:1 another boy bumped into him on the street and Jesus said: 'Thou shalt not finish thy course' and immediately he fell down dead which some may say seems a bit excessive.
In chapter 18:13-16 of the same book, Jesus comes across a child who had been bitten by a snake and so he stormed after the snake, told it to suck all the poison out of the child and once he had confirmed he had done so, blew the snake up.
The Infancy Gospel of Thomas 5:1 explains how the good people of Nazareth were getting concerned that Jesus was blowing up animals, turning their kids into trees and generally killing them for scuffing his sandals so they went to see his parents, Mary and Joseph, (spoiler: not his real dad) and Jesus reacted in the way only the son of someone who killed everyone on the planet in a massive flood would, he made blind everyone who grassed on him.
Joseph decided that blinding half the townspeople wasn't great for neighbourly relations and 'grabbed his ear and wrung it til it was sore' and told him to uncurse everybody and he was probably grounded for a week and no whatever passed for TV back then.
Compared to his youth, his adult miracles of bread splitting or wine making might seem a bit dull, but that's just because the church decided that the part where Jesus became a person blinding, dragon taming tree creating bad boy was a little unbelievable so just went with the talking snakes and unicorns instead.

Leave Frasier In The 90's

Rebooting 90's shows seems to be becoming a thing with news that plans are afoot to not only bring bring back Buffy but now the brilliant Frasier as well. 
I have three concerns for this, the first being the same as Buffy in that Frasier was near on perfect the first time around and  so high was the bar that it could never live up to that standard.
Secondly, John Mahoney, who played Frasier's father Martin, died in February and he was a vital cog in the show, the counterfoil to his high-brow, pompous children and without him an integral part will be sadly missing.
Thirdly, the problem is Kelsey Grammer himself who only has to look at Roseanne Barr to see where any possible reboot is heading.
Frasier came off the air 14 years ago, before Twitter and Facebook became the downfall of so many celebrities and Grammer is a die hard Republican and Trump advocate and in an age when old Tweets resurface to destroy reputations, Grammer is going to be moving into a very uncomfortable spotlight.
In 2015 Grammer Instagrammed a photo of himself wearing a T-shirt that likened abortion to gun violence which should be enough to give any executive cold feet about the whole idea and avoid the potential cost and hassle of another Roseanne.
That said i would love to see the excellent David Hyde Pierce back on our screens, a very under-estimated comic actor, but while my heart hopes they do go ahead with it, my brain says leave it in the past because it just can't be anywhere near as good as it was the first time around.  

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

Outdated Song Lyrics

When Communism fell in 1991 it not only bought about wide scale changes on the international stage but it consigned anyone under 30 to wonder what the hell was the USSR that the Beatles were singing about.
Also consigned to the historical dustbin by the flourish of Mikhail Gorbachev's pen was Billy Joel's song 'Leningrad' as they changed the name and replaced the road sign at the entrance of the city with ones which read 'Welcome To St Petersburg'.
A third victim of the changing of the socioeconomic order in Eastern Europe was The Sex Pistols and their song 'Holiday In The Sun' with it's references to the Berlin Wall which judging by the amount of people who own a 'real piece' must have stretched to the moon and back.
I still hear songs from the 90s which mention pagers which mostly belonged to medical staff and for typing the numbers 8008, 5318008, 55378008, 315537 and then turning the pager upside down which never got old to male pager owners it seems.
Even further back Bow Wow Wow sang about 'C30 C60 C90' which were cassette tapes and the number after the C was the length of the tape which determined how many songs that you nicked off the radio for your mix-tape. 
The Woolworth's in the X-Ray Spex song 'Warrior in Woolworth's' was a shop back in the day which you could walk in one end and back out the other with a pocketful of nicked pick 'n' mix.    
Blondie sang about something called a 'phone booth', which when you explain to teenagers was somewhere where you would insert money into them in order to call somebody, they laugh at the absurdity of the suggestion as they also do at the Beastie Boys '(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right To Party' song and the line about 'your mom threw away your best porno mag' because now rather than
a suspiciously crumpled magazine being passed around the whole school, now it's all at the click of a suspiciously sticky mobile phone button.

Stick To Football Casillas

Footballers are known for their ability to kick a ball into a net or in the case of goalkeeper Iker Casillas, stop the ball from going into the net and all the time they are on the pitch then they are in their comfort zone and applauded.
It is when they come off the pitch and actually try to use their brains that they seem to falter as the Spanish goalkeeper is now discovering after throwing doubt at the Apollo 11 moon landing in 1969.
Casillas tweeted 'Next year it will be (supposedly) 50 years after a man stepped on the moon. I'm at a dinner with friends ... arguing about it. I raise the question to the public! Do you think he stepped on [the moon]? I do not!'
We could show him the vast weight of evidence supporting the fact that humans really did land on the Moon multiple times between 1969 and 1972 but it's far easier to just smile politely and wait for further tweets where he explains how Elvis is still alive, JFK was killed by the CIA and how Governments are using Chemtrails to control us.

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Government Burying The Bad News On Last Day

Governments have two opportunities each Parliament to bury bad news, the first is on the day of a great occasion when the journalists are looking elsewhere and on the last day of Parliament where the Government push out so much info and bury the bad bits inbetween with no time for MPs to summon ministers to explain any highly controversial decisions.
It didn't start well when the Prime Minister tried to bring forward the last day but was voted down by her own members who could see how bad that would sit with the constituents but finally they have gone and let's see what was revealed in those final 21 statements as they made a dash for the door. 
There was one called 'machinery of government' which revealed that the Brexit secretary, Dominic Raab, had been stripped of his negotiating role which nobody much cared about with the exception of Dominic Raab but amongst the other announcements was RAF Linton-on-Ouse and RAF Scampton were to be closed, the Transport Secretary announced that the train situation is worsening with
some carriages carrying two-and-a-half times more people than designed for.
Seven more law courts are to shut they announced and the Minister for Defence announced a stop to the contract for five Type 31e frigates risking hundreds of jobs.
Somewhere in the middle was the announcement that fracking got the green light, with shale company Cuadrilla permitted to drill in Lancashire, despite local protests but at the end was what they hoped would be what everyone would concentrate on, the good news story that Public Servants would get a 3.5% pay rise.
By the time everyone had read the fine print that it was only a very few select public servants and the majority would still be given 1.5% and that the money is to come from departmental budgets who would have to further cut backs to pay for it, the Ministers were long gone and by the time they come back in October, the news cycle would have fortunately moved on.

Monday, 23 July 2018

Trumps Pee Tape

When Donald Trump threw his own country and intelligence services under the bus for the sake of his Russian pals, the obvious reason was the 'pee tape' that was dangled over his head by Putin but as the Orange one kept to his side of the deal and refused to blame Russia for anything, the tape stayed safely tucked away in a Kremlin vault. 
The original source was Christopher Steele and his dossier which Trump predictably dismissed as 'fake news' at the time as more and more of what the British former spy wrote is being borne out, i can't see why the pee tape accusation should be false so maybe we should remind ourselves exactly what Trump is accused of.
Steele said that the Russian regime has been cultivating, supporting and assisting Trump for at least 5 years and the FSB has compromising material on Trump, including perverted sexual acts which have been arranged and then covertly filmed by the FSB.
These include hiring the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in 2013 and paying a number of prostitutes to perform 'a golden shower show' for him.
Whilst visiting St Petersburg on several occasions, Trump was filmed indulging in sex parties which all makes for a lovely collection of blackmail material.
Trump first said that he did not stay overnight in Moscow the night in question but but flight records and his bodyguards testimony show that he did spend at least one full night in Moscow and stayed at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Moscow that weekend and had actually stayed in the Presidential suite, where the incident is alleged to have occurred.
Knowing what we now know about Trump and his unabashed liking for lying, he had better continue playing nice with the Russians because Melania may put up with him having it away with Playboy Girls and porn stars behind her back but even she couldn't stand by and see her husband indulging in which even by his extremely low bar, is perverted and degrading behaviour.

Arctic Circle On Fire Must Mean Something

As i look out my window, the green grass in the park below is not so much green, more of a rusty colour with contrasts neatly with the wall to wall blue above our heads, punctuated by the occasional exhaust fumes from planes off to far flung places. 
The Northern Hemisphere is in the grips of a heatwave with record temperatures from Los Angeles to Japan and Algeria recorded the highest recorded temperature for Africa, 51.3C.
Over 50 wildfires are currently raging in the Swedish Arctic Circle and it hasn't rained in some part of Britain for over 2 months which means walking through the South Downs resembles the pictures of the Mars Surface in places.
Of course a hot, dry summer doesn't mean Global Warming has finally slapped us in the face but it would be negligent to not consider that it isn't involved somewhere.
The usual deniers will say none of the sort but wildfires in the Arctic circle should set off warning bells somewhere in even the most densest of their heads.
We should get used to this is how our summers are going to be now, temperature records being broken year on year and rust coloured grass and we can't even say it's not too late because we had our chance and we blew it, that ship has sailed and it's heading for cooler climes which won't be easy as it's full of firemen putting out fires there.

No More Teachers, No More Books

Alice Cooper said no more pencils, no more books because school's out for summer, school's out forever and school's been blown to pieces which shows a total disregard for listed building status and health and safety but in so many other ways Mr Cooper is right as the clock winds down on another year of learning.
Officially i should say something along the lines of stay safe and out of trouble and use the time constructively but unofficially i say blow that, go climb trees, set up a tent in the spookiest part of the forest, drink weirdly coloured slush puppies, fall off bicycles, eat Pringles until you're sick, stay up late to watch horror films, throw a rope swing across a river, dance at concerts, run through the park sprinklers, see how many crisps you can fit in your mouth at one time, eat ice cream with your hands and dye your hair yellow.
Before you know it the 'Back to School' sales will begin so go out and be children because all to soon you will not be a child and you won't be able to do any of those things anymore, well, not meant to.
Me, well i have a cupboard full of Pringles, a freezer full of ice cream and a luminous pink slush puppy so i'm all set and there won't be a pencil or text book in sight and i will see you in September, if they have rebuilt the school by then of course.

Changing The UK's Death Penalty Stance

The Extradition Act of 2003 allows the UK to extradite individuals to certain countries unless that person could face the death penalty but that's gone out of the window as the UK's stance is now we are okay with it in certain other countries. 
The home secretary, Sajid Javid, wrote to the US attorney general, Jeff Sessions, to confirm the UK 'would not demand a death penalty assurance' in the case of two former Britons accused of being members of the Islamic State cell known as 'the Beatles'.
Where the UK's position was on of blanket opposition towards the death penalty in all it's forms, the Conservative Government have adopted the stance of not persuading countries like the US, China and Iran to drop the death penalty but actively encouraging it.
The two accused have been stripped of their British citizenship and are therefore stateless after being captured in January and have been at the centre of a dispute over whether they should be returned to the UK for trial or face justice in the USA.
Amnesty International said: 'This is a deeply worrying development. The home secretary must unequivocally insist that Britain’s longstanding position on the death penalty has not changed and seek cast-iron assurances from the US that it will not be used'.
Prosecute them and if found guilty beyond reasonable doubt, lock them up forever with no parole but my murdering them we stoop stoop to their abhorrent level.
You can't be in favour of it in some circumstances and not in others so we are either against the death penalty or not, and if we are then these are very dark times indeed.

Saturday, 21 July 2018

90 Days Of Summer: Day 51

In 1977, ELO posed the question what did we do wrong for Mr Blue Sky to hide away for so long and although i don't think the band ever got an answer, whatever it was we must be doing it right now because Mr Blue Sky has been doing anything but hiding for the last couple of months.
It's Blue Sky for breakfast, dinner and tea and although to start with many were pleased to be with you and smiled up at you like the song says, now i'm not alone in wishing you would sod off for a week or so.
Even the weather folk are taunting us with the threat of thunderstorms and torrential rain only for it to be as elusive as a non-alcoholic drunk in Mel Gibson's fridge so now we have heatwave warnings, hose-pipe bans and advice on how to save water.
All of the weather apps on my phone are showing sunshine all of next week and temperatures in the low 30's which means further nights of waking up to an insect party in the bedroom and peeling the pillow off my face so Mr Blue Sky, please give Mr Cloud and Mr Overcast a go, summers tough enough without you sticking your oar in every bloody day as well.

Friday, 20 July 2018

Buffy Refusing To Lay Down And Die

Approximately 92 years ago John Logie Baird bought us the Television set but it wasn't until around 70 years later in 1997 when the Scotsman's invention reached it's peak with the brilliant Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Everything about the show was perfect, the cast, the story lines, the humour and the characters but after seven series it was bought to an end and as sad as it was, it went out at about the right time.
Now rumours are abound that in true horror style the Vampire series is refusing to lie down and die and is to be rebooted with a new cast and without the original writing talent of Joss Weedon.
When Buffy and the rest of the Scooby Gang finished battling the undead spawned by the Hell Mouth in Sunnydale in 2003, we were left with the memories of the wise-cracking, vampire-whacking teenagers of the late nineties and early noughties
The ingredients that made the show were perfect for the time and part of me wants Buffy to stay in the past, immortalised as one of the greatest TV shows ever to appear and not risk being sullied by a disastrous reboot.
Make something Buffy-like if you want but without Sarah-Michelle Geller and David Boreanaz dusting vampires it won't be anything like the same.
Casting the same actors will not do because they will be older and it will be like bumping into the guy you had a crush on at school years later and realising that actually, he is not as handsome or cute as you remember him.
Hard to say but i think they should just leave Buffy and the beautiful corpse well alone because it was so good the first time around, they would never be able to capture that again.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Told Ya So

Some say that the Shroud of Turin is the burial cloth of Jesus while others dismiss it as a medieval forgery.
Despite it being carbon-dated in the 80's and found to date from around the 13th Century, some still desperately cling to it as proof that Jesus was not only real but was nailed to a cross just as the Bible stated. 
A new study using modern forensic techniques now looks to knock the confidence of the son of God's blanket fans by revealing that the bloodstains on the shroud from the supposed crucifixion are as fake as those stories about a talking snake tempting women with apples. 
At some point, you would imagine one of the scientists would think, 'Hang on, we are trying to disprove a story of the son of a man who lives in the clouds and made all of mankind from dirt and bits of ribs' and give up and invent a vaccine to cure the gullibility of people who believe the religious fairy story in the first place.

Leave It The Feck Alone!!!

I've seen enough horror films to know that if you stumble across an ancient sarcophagus complete with strange symbols and the model of a head beside it then the last thing you should do is open the damned thing but Egyptian archaeologists have obviously not seen the same films as me because they are looking around for a crowbar to jimmy it open.
The 30 tonne, 9ft long black granite sarcophagus was uncovered in a tomb deep beneath the Egyptian city of Alexandria and has lain unopened for over 2000 years since the Ptolemaic period and as well as a mummified body, the archaeologists think it probably also contains priceless jewellery.
Due to the immense weight and the difficulties in moving the sarcophagus, experts plan to open the coffin in-situ but i say x-ray it first and if the mummified body has the head of a wolf or hawk then leave the bloody thing well alone.

Monday, 16 July 2018

Happy Birthday Nuclear Weapons

Today marks the 73rd anniversary of the first successful nuclear explosion in Alamogordo, New Mexico in 1945 and now there are nine countries that possess nuclear weapons, the US, Russia, the UK, France, China Israel, India, Pakistan and North Korea but even more countries have given up their nuclear weapons programmes believe they were more of a liability than an asset for national security.
The apartheid regime in South Africa built six warheads before dismantling them in 1989 while Sweden had an advanced plan to build up to a hundred warheads, but gave up the project as too expensive in the 1960s.
Argentina and Brazil have both pursued covert nuclear weapons programmes in the 90s as did Taiwan and South Korea who began developing plutonium production programmes until the US persuaded them to halt and rely on Washington for security. Japan has has all the materials and know-how to build a nuclear warhead quickly if it decided to follow that path.
Saddam Hussein's Iraq dismantled their nuclear weapons programme after the first Gulf war in 1991, and Libya’s Colonel Gaddafi handed over his nuclear weapons programme to the US in 2003 which as it turned out later was a massive own goal and a warning to any future despots considering giving up their atomic dreams.
We can consider ourselves fortunate that these insane devices of global destruction are only in the custody of responsible governments who only have the interests of humanity in mind...hmmm.

Gonna Cost Musk Millions

If you ever wondered just how classy Elon Musk is, you got your answer yesterday when he called a cave diver who helped rescue 12 Thai boys from deep within a cave a pedo on Twitter just because he refused his help.
In now deleted tweets, Musk had called Vern Unsworth a 'pedo guy' after trying to force a submarine onto the rescue team in the mistaken belief that he knows more about cave diving than actual cave divers who called the Musk rescue plan 'inappropriate' and a 'PR stunt'.
Mr Unsworth has now said that he was considering legal action and 'It's not finished' meaning he will hopefully take the hyper-sensitive and whiny man-child for millions.

Friday, 13 July 2018

Feeling Unwelcome Yet Donny?

Within 24 hours of arriving in the UK, Donald Trump was moaning that he felt unwelcome but why on earth would he feel like that?
Surely he was aware that tens of thousands of people were gathering in London to mark his arrival and there was balloons and everything.
In fact so many people turned out that police had to stop many more from entering Trafalgar Square so why would the President of the United States feel so unwelcome at the home of one of the very few remaining allies he has?
Oh i remember, it was all that racist stuff and admitting to sexually assaulting women as well as being a lying blowhard, i knew there was something.
Apart from the big orange baby balloon flying overhead, there was some brilliant banners including many which rhymed 'Trump' with 'Dump' and a quite a few which went along with the theme of the balloon and went with 'big orange baby'.
The weird colour of his skin was a dominant area and i saw a few referring to 'Wotsits' and him being 'Tango'd' and some doubling it up with his teeny, tiny penis hands such as 'Tiny Orange Hands' and 'Can't build a wall, his hands too small' which i have seen before and another one borrowed from elsewhere but is still very clever 'super-callous-fragile-racist-sexist-nazi-potus'.
'Donald Duck Off' was amusing and 'We shall overcomb' with various pictures of the Shredded Wheat barnet he favours but although my all time favourite is still 'Impeach the Orange', the best of the British efforts so far has to be the charming 'Feck orf you tango bawlbag' which hilariously works on so many levels.
The next adventure in keeping the President away from protesters so Theresa May can work a deal to import America's flavoursome chlorinated chicken is him and his ridiculous wife being shuffled off to Scotland so it's over to you guys north of the border to take up the challenge of making the third fattest President in history feel even more unwelcome than he already does.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Le Football Revient à La Maison

Sunday is the World Cup Final and it's 'COME ON ENG...' oh, hmmm, France versus Croatia you say. 
Of course you could argue that the boys did well to get to the Semi-Final but then you could also argue England had a massive dose of good fortune to not play anyone decent until the semi-final and then we got turfed out by the first good team we played.
They obviously didn't sacrifice enough Manchester United fans to appease the Gods of football and i say they because nous sommes français maintenant!!
Yes, in a duel between the French and the Croatian's, it's Les Bleu's all the way and Didier Deschamps and his band of merry men to be parading up the Champs Elysees on an open top bus singing 'le football revient à la maison'.

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

That's A Lot Of Beer

In a little over 4 hours we will be a bit clearer on whether football is coming home or going to Paris or Zagreb but apart from everyone becoming an expert on the diamond formation or whether Alli should be used as defensive cover or further up the pitch, the England World Cup run economy has been a boon for business.
The British Beer and Pub Association is predicting an extra 10 million pints will be sold during the semi-final against Croatia with the knockout stage alone boosting the economy by up to £30m.
People are celebrating with drinks at home, too. Tesco is expecting to sell more than 50 million bottles and cans of beer and cider, and nearly six million bottles of wine this week along with 7.5 million burgers and sausages and an extra one million packs of barbecue meat and 70,000 disposable barbecues.
Garden centres announced that barbecue-related sales have increased by 60% while John Lewis reported a 140% rise in television sales.
You can't take a step outside the door without hearing the tune of 'Three Lions' which is expected to top the charts this week and was streamed 2.6 millions times since last Friday.
The bad side though is that since the tournament began police have recorded 1,086 football-related incidents and 70 arrests with The National Police Chiefs' Council saying the majority of incidents were alcohol related.
Asda sold 20,000 strips of St George's flag bunting last week, plus 3,000 bandanas and whistles - and other accessories such as masks, novelty hats, facepaints and foam fingers are reportedly flying off the shelves.
Gareth Southgate's fashion style has seen waistcoat sales rise 35% since the beginning of the tournament and the weekends quarter final saw 19.64 million people tuned in to watch, 87.7% of people watching TV, and it's likely tonight's semi-final will command an even larger audience.
So it's fingers, legs, eyes and whatever else you are able to cross crossed and by 10 o'clock tonight we see our lads consoling the Croats and the sound 53 million English voices singing rude songs about baguettes and onions waft across the Channel to Sunday's opponents.

The NATO Solution

Even before the NATO summit this week, failed businessman Donald Trump was routinely urging other NATO members to increase their military spending as the USA spends 4% of GDP on defence while many others fail to reach the suggested 2% mark.
'The US is paying far too much and other countries are not paying enough' said the orange monkey explaining that it is: 'disproportionate and not fair to the taxpayers of the US'.
Now i don't have Trump's business acumen, i haven't ever been declared bankrupt while he has five times, so obviously his business acumen sucks so my advice would be if he doesn't like America spending so much why doesn't he spend less instead of increasing defence spending as he did recently?
If he cut the spending down to 2% then he would have billions more to spend on cutting the $21 Trillion debt or even provide decent health insurance for his citizens.
The West, especially the US and UK, needs Russia as a rival to justify the continued existence of NATO which after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War is obsolete and why are American troops still, in Europe anyway?
As Trump isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, maybe someone should try explaining it to him using pictures, short sentences and sock-puppets if necessary until he grasps it.
We can hope that as Trump has taken a wrecking ball to everything else, he can have the same effect at NATO and the organisation will die a quick and painless death and instead of spending money on weapons to bring death to some poor nations citizens, we can all use the money saved for something helpful to mankind instead.

Keep Your Head Down Yankees

American's in Britain have been warned by the US Embassy to keep their heads down during Donald Trump's visit to the UK and to 'exercise caution in the vicinity of large gatherings'.
As my Canadian Colleague finds out regularly, to British ears American and Canadian accents pretty much sound the same so American's can just pretend they're Canadian, and everybody likes a Canadian like they did at the height of the Iraq War and the dumbass in the White House then that we were getting uppity about was George W Bush.
Canadian's don't like you doing it because there is a chance that a real Canadian will get mistaken for an American pretending to be a Canadian so my colleague has come up with a guide to not make yourself known, top being try and speak quieter, Americans apparently, are much louder and boastful than your average normal person.
Personally i think as long as you don't turn up at the protest with a picture of Trump, a cowboy hat and a Confederate flag then you won't have a close up view of how great our socialised Health Service is.
If you do find yourself surrounded by angry Brits, my advice would be to shout 'it's coming home' which will almost guarantee you safe passage to a burger place where all the other Americans will be, they will be the ones shouting as they talk to each other about how they wish they could have bought their guns with them.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Belgium Or France

As England play their World Cup semi-final against Croatia tomorrow evening, we have the luxury of watching just who may be waiting for us in the final and the topic of conversation today has been who we would rather meet, the French or the Belgians.
As it has been already pre-ordained by the football gods that the Trophy will be shoved into a luggage rack on a plane bound for Heathrow it is rather pointless but i have to cheer for someone tonight but who?
Neither have any Arsenal players so it can't be decided on that score although former Gunners favourite Thierry Henry is the assistant manager at Belgium so that's a plus in their column although that is offset by Marouane Fellaini who kicks opponents more than he does the ball. 
If they can't be separated by players than i will have to consider the nation as a whole and while France is a thriving, beautiful country the French themselves are miserable sods while the Belgian people are much more welcoming, the country itself is to be polite, not thriving.  
Going with my heart, and because they have a great National Anthem, i will plump for the French to nudge the Belgians out tonight and line up against us plucky Englanders on Sunday. 

Monday, 9 July 2018

Coming Soon: May's Government Ending In Farce

Two Government cabinet members quit and more are in the offering amidst the beautiful scenes of the Conservative Party viciously tearing itself apart over Brexit.
That it is David 'smugface' Davis and Boris 'Watermelon Smiles' Johnson who have removed themselves just makes it even more sweeter, two men who the word incompetent could have been invented for.
As an already weak Theresa May is now left clinging to power by the bits of fingernails she has left, the next week or so could see a large scale change in British politics and most importantly the self-inflicted suicide which is Brexit.
Now is the time for Jeremey Corbyn and Labour to twist the knife and finish off what has been a disastrous Conservative Government and then cancel Brexit and introduce a massive dose of Socialism to Britain because heaven knows we need it.
How appropriate that Mrs Mays premiership should end in absolute, brilliant farce and we may be treated to a repeat of the scene from the last female Premier, that tearful gaze out of the back of the taxi as she is driven away, taken down by her own party.

Sunday, 8 July 2018

The Football's Coming Home Song

As the Rev and I stood on the balcony vaping last night, in the distance we could hear the call of England football fans drunkenly singing 'Football's coming home' echoing in the streets below.
'They only seem to know that bit' i mentioned to the Rev who refused to admit that he was miffed that he had to attend to a wedding that afternoon and missed the England game but i knew he was.
As the song was from 1996 and many of the people we could see falling over and trying to leap-frog the bins were either not born or were being treated for nappy rash at the time so they wouldn't have been aware of the original Three Lions songs by the Lightning Seeds and the comedians Frank Skinner and David Baddiel.
The 'Football's Coming Home' chorus which is the only bit anyone seems to sing was a reference to the fact that when the song was released, England was hosting Euro 96 but the line has evolved to refer to England’s hopes of bringing home the World Cup trophy to the spiritual home of football, England, where it was invented.
So where it originally meant Football's coming home as England was hosting a major tournament, now it means England is bringing home the World Cup Trophy because we gave it to the World in 1863, who then had the audacity to be better than us at it until 1966 and the 50 years after that.

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Sacrificing Virgins To Win The World Cup

Such a shame that it is Sweden that England beat today, i have a lot of time for the Swedes and would have been cheering for them had it been anyone but England that they were playing in the World Cup Quarter Final today.
Oh well, Que Sera Sera as Doris Day once said and it's onward and upwards for England as we progress to the sharp end of the competition with only Croatia now standing between us and a date in the Final against the French or Belgians.
Many people, me included, decided a while ago that whichever God or Godess was responsible for deciding football matches, they were smiling on England but who should we be sacrificing animals and offering our virgins to just to make sure? 
In Greek mythology Nike is responsible for athletes but in Roman mythology it is Victoria while in Norse it is Ullr we should be offering our thanks to but before we sharpen our knives and start building pyres and looking for virgins, the Christians with their one God have their own person responsible for football, Saint Luigi Scrosoppi.
In the early 19th Century, Luigi built orphanages and used sport as a way to breed the values of fairness, perseverance, diligence and determination amongst the orphans.
As Christians are not so much into the sacrificing animals or setting fire to virgins we could just offer up some prayers that Ivan Rakitić and Luka Modrić come down with a stomach bug Wednesday morning but as all the religions are basically the same, we could hit all bases in one go by sacrificing Manchester United fans therefore meeting the criteria of offering dumb animals and virgins
to the Greek, Norse and Roman Gods and as a fan of proper football, earning the approval of St. Scrosoppi.
The English FA should start making a space in the trophy cabinet because by George, i think we've got it covered.

Applauding The Thailand Rescuers

In a world dominated by conflict, threats and utter madness, relief has come in the shape of a Thailand football team trapped in a cave.
Thankfully they have not only been found alive but an international effort has swung into effect to bring them out with amongst the Thai rescuers are Chinese, Brits, Australians and Americans which is how things should be.
In an International crisis, with no politicians involved, the brilliant rescuers just up and went to help save lives which is one of the rare times that we all just join together to help people in need regardless of nationality.
Why we can't do more of this helping each other instead of spending hundreds of billions developing weapons to kill everyone on the planet is the nonsensical thinking of humans.
Yes we come together and applaud the bravery of the rescuers risking their own lives to save 12 kids stuck in a cave in Thailand but it all seems inconsistent when far more than 12 kids are being killed hourly in wars and conflicts elsewhere where the pathetic self-serving politicians are making the decisions.

Friday, 6 July 2018

Welcome To Britain Mr Trump

In Britain we have morbidly obese people, sex pests and racists so trust the Americans to go one better and have all of the above rolled into one President and he is coming here next week to visit.
As Donald Trump is sure to be made welcome with tens of thousands lining the streets, the Government had decided the best way to stop him being left in no doubt how much of a dickhead we think he is, they are making sure that he is kept well out of the firing line from everybody.
The itinerary for the orange one and his ridiculous wife is an overnight stay at the US Ambassador's House in Regent Park and the rest of the time spent outside of London in Windsor, Buckinghamshire, Oxford and Scotland and well away from the rotten tomatoes.
Trump could therefore miss the giant inflatable orange baby figure that London Mayor Sadiq Khan has granted permission to fly over Westminster during the Presidents visit.
Despite the Government trying to keep him away from the demonstrations and giving him the impression that he may be a tad unpopular over here, mass protests are planned for each stage of the visit so wherever him and his teeny tiny hands end up, there will be people waiting to give him a Great British welcome until he leaves to go on a meeting with Russia's President, Vladimir Putin and if previous trips to Moscow are anything to go by, a bunch of prostitutes with full bladders.

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Trump The Gratest Precedent Ever

Donald Trump: 'After having written many best selling books, and somewhat priding myself on my ability to write, it should be noted that the Fake News constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake. I capitalize certain words only for emphasis, not b/c they should be capitalized!'
'somewhat priding myself on my ability to write' followed in the same tweet by 'pour over my tweets'
Yep dumbo, you are quite right to pride yourself on your ability to write,  shame you never learnt to spell though.
The thicko President once said that he has 'the best words' although as it turns out, many of those words are misspelt.
Previous tweets include his goals during a trip to Israel was to 'promote the possibility of lasting peach'  and describing the Chinese seizure of a US Navy drone as an 'unpresidented act'.
He once claimed that President Barack Obama had 'gone to tapp my phones' and said that 'No dream is too big, no challenge is to great' which means he wasn't sure whether to use 'to' or 'too' so went with both and hoped nobody would notice.
A tweet regarding a terrorist attacker in Denmark became a tweet about an 'attaker' in 'Denmakr' and another welcoming the British Prime Minister Theresa May became about 'Teresa May' who just happens to be the name of a British porn star, although to be fair we all know that Trumps enjoys the company of Porn Stars so that one may not have been an error.
He once referred to the 'Secretary of Educatuon' and Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos became the President of 'Columbia' but as his very first tweet on becoming President was that he was 'honered to serve the great American People', we shouldn't expect much else from someone who once said that his IQ was very high and then explained people would vote for him, the third fattest President ever, because 'he was so good looking'.
The guy really is too stupid to realise just how stupid he really is but we should make the most of it because pretty soon America may get a decent President and America will return to sanity again, or as close as it has ever gets to sanity anyway.

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

It's Not Easy Being An England Fan

Bloody hell it's hard work watching England play football, conceding a goal in the last minute of ordinary time and then winning a penalty shootout to set up a quarter final with Sweden on Saturday.
As England and penalty shootouts go together like fish and bicycles, it really does feel that whichever of the Gods who decide these things has already given England the thumbs up and is doing their bit to make sure we win the whole shebang.
So we can now do it all over again against Sweden at the weekend but we should start clearing out the spare room and set an extra place at the table because football has just texted to let us know it’s coming home.

Monday, 2 July 2018

Where Are The Consequences For Trump's Sexual Assaults?

Donald Trump has always denied sexually assaulting women or kissing them without consent even after he admitted doing just that but after a large group of women came forward to say he had done it to them, things seemed to have gone quiet.
Amongst the allegations of unwanted sexual contact are grabbing women's breasts, buttocks and genitals and putting his hands up skirts as well as forcibly kissing others on the lips and offering payment for sex to other women.
Numerous others have said that he made a habit of barging into their dressing rooms while they were naked. 
The White House have denied the allegations and said that all the women who have accused him of being a sexual predator are lying, and Trump himself suggested that the women who have come forward accusing him were not attractive enough for him to sexually assault them.
That a large number of women have come forward with very similar stories that have been confirmed by Trump out of his own mouth when he bragged he 'can do anything' to women, including 'just start kissing them' and 'grab 'em by the pussy' which should be enough for a criminal trial but somehow the consummate liar who initially denied having sex and then paying a porn star hush money is not even being investigated.
While the media attention around Harvey Weinstein has kept the film director in the headlines, it seems to have eluded the self-confessed sexual behaviour of Trump who seems to have escaped any consequences for his heinous actions.

90 Days Of Summer: Day 32

With the MET Office warning of the heatwave and 30C temperatures carrying on for the rest of this week at least, everybody is asking the same question: 'When it is legally too hot to work?'
The official answer from the Government website is that there is no law in the UK that determines a temperature when the boss tells you to pack up for the day and go get an ice-cream but the wiggle room is that 'employers must lawfully ensure that the temperature is deemed reasonable in all workplaces' which is open to interpretation.
The Health and Safety Executive says employers must take into account six basic factors when deciding whether to keep people in the workplace.
These are air temperature, radiant temperatures, air velocity, humidity, the clothing employees are expected to wear, and their expected work rate.
The Trades Union Congress (TUC) has called for a maximum workplace temperature of 30C for non-manual work and 27C for manual work, meaning you would be automatically sent home if the workplace temperature exceeded it but until then you are just going to have to make sure you take your fan with you whenever you go to the water tower because you just know that when you get back there will be an empty space where it used to be.