Sunday, 31 December 2017

2017 Predictions: The Results

The problem with making predictions is that smart-arse bloggers take note and go back and check them 12 months later and mock them when they don't come true so credit to Psychic Nikki for publishing her predictions and to hell with those irritatingly smug British bloggers.
Reviewing Canadian Psychic Nikki's top 20 predictions for 2017 she does receive a smiley gold star for predicting a terror attack in Stockholm, Sweden but the other 19 were a bit off.    

No kidnapping around the Trump family
The moon did not turn green       
Leaning tower of Piza didn't collapse   
Cuba never become the 51st US State
No fire at the Houses of Parliament
No explosion with many deaths on Wall Street
A meteor didn't hit San Francisco  
No member of the Royal Family was kidnapped
A robot never broke into the White House 
Iran and the US never attacked each other
The Golden Gate Bridge wasn't destroyed
UFO never landed at Lake Erie
No bomb blast at Buckingham Palace
Squirrels did not attack people worldwide
A beloved male singer didn't turn out to be a woman
No change in the British Monarchy
No bomb blast at 10 Downing Street
A plane did not fly into the Eiffel Tower
Kim Jong Un never vanished

1 out of 20 is not great but Nikki is an audient clairvoyant meaning she 'hears' things so we could put it down to her having a build up of wax that day so hopefully she can cram an earbud in her ear beforehand this time and do rather better with the 2018 predictions.

Friday, 29 December 2017

Bono And Girly Music

'I think music has gotten very girly' Bono has announced in an interview with Rolling Stone and if we set aside the use of the expression of contempt for girly things, the U2 front man has reached the same conclusion i have been spouting since the turn of the century.
Not that i was much of a fan of U2, when they were calling themselves a 'Rock Band' in the late 80s and early 90s we had the likes of Guns 'n' Roses and Nirvana angrily self-imploding all over the place like proper rock bands so U2 always felt like Rock wannabe's rather than a real Rock band.
I'm sure he doesn't worry what i think as he counts his tax free riches from his Lithuanian Shopping Centre but as his band cluttered up the charts with more than their fair share of 'girly' ballads, it seems a bit rich for him to now moan about other bands doing the same but if we ignore all that, he is right but it isn't just the music but the musicians.
Today's musicians wouldn't emulate the bands back in the day by trashing a hotel room and nobody of my generation is as appalled by Rhianna or Ed Sheeran who seem safe and very nice people, but they are not making angry music full of spiky social commentary.
The youth of today have so much more than we had to kick out at back in my teenage years, today there are wars, austerity, cuts, youth unemployment, police harassment, university fees, Brexit, the rise of the right and inept politicians which should be driving the backlash, but we get nothing.
The ballad singing acts polluting the charts today my smell better and are more likely to hoover a hotel room rather than wreck it but that doesn't compare to the times when music was deafening, the musicians were always drunk and mostly high but always entertaining.

Lucky Waving Cat

A few years ago i acquired a small, waving lucky ceramic cat with Asian writing on it, very cute and for about three days it sat on a shelf constantly waving at everyone before becoming a victim of the clumsiest real cat known to man and gravity so it wasn't that lucky after-all but as they are now so popular i am spoilt for choice of where to replace it from. 
The Lucky Waving Cat, or maneki-neko as its called, is Japanese and is a lucky charm which is believed to bring good luck to the owner and some say it isn't waving but actually beckoning while others say it is washing his face which is considered lucky.
The legend i was told behind the cat is that a down on his luck Japanese shop-owner took in a starving, stray cat despite barely having enough to feed himself. In gratitude, the cat sat in the front of the store washing his face (therefore not waving as such) and looking damn cute which bought in customers, thus bringing prosperity as a reward to the kind shop owner.
There are some rules for buying your Lucky Waving Cat (or face washing/beckoning cat) though.
A cat with it's left paw raised is for business and the right paw for the home and you should choose the colour of the cat depending on the area you wish to receive your good luck.

Natural: Considered to be the luckiest
White: Happiness, purity, and positive things to come
Gold: Wealth and prosperity
Black: Wards off evil spirits
Red: Success in love and relationships
Green: Good health

Most of the cats are holding a fish, usually a carp which symbolizes an abundance of good fortune but you can get some holding coins, or a gem for wealth.

Thursday, 28 December 2017

CoE Kicks Out At Right Wingers

Being a saviour isn't very well paid so if Jesus was alive today i would expect he would have to put his carpentry skills to use and knock out a few bedside cabinets between miracles but almost certainly he would be a leftie.
For some reason it is the political right who have adopted the beardy one and his dad for their side which is a bit puzzling because what i know about the two of them is that they wouldn't touch the right with a 10ft pole, a view echoed today by a senior Church of England Bishop who said that a right wing view doesn't relate to Christian beliefs. 
After the Catholic Pope stuck the boot into Donald Trump as not being very Christian, the Church of England Bishop of Liverpool, Paul Bayes, has stuck it to Trump supporters for standing quietly by their man while he contradicts God’s teaching to protect the poor and the weak. 
Without doubt Jesus would be part of the crowd jeering against the likes of Donald Trump and the rabid hate spreading religious right but ironically, the ones who are most opposite the things Jesus stood for are the ones trying to suck up to him and the ones who Jesus and his dad would try their hardest to keep the other side of the Pearly Gates.
Not sure how the Christians feel about being told by the Catholics and the Church of England that they are not very Christian but from where i am sitting, the fact that they announce that they believe in a make believe man in the clouds doesn't point to them being the sharpest knives in the drawer in the first place.

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

2018 Same As 2017

We could go through the pretence of trying to work out who has been the biggest bell-end of the year but we all know Donald Trump is going to win it on almost everybodies list, i have already seen or read him receive three 'dick of the years' so seems a bit pointless really.
In truth, the tiny handed, orange faced sex pest is deserving of every brick-bat that falls on his strangely coiffured head but i would say the American's that still support him even after all his dick-headery are just as bad if not worse, he seems unable to help himself being the World's biggest tosser, they see him doing it and still cheer him so the lot of them are bell-ends.
If we remove one fat serial molester of women from the contest then we still have another in the shape of Harvey Weinstein who faces over 50 sexual harassment, assault and rape allegations against him.
In the UK the list of Conservative politician losers is a long one from Theresa May and her lurching from one disaster to another to Boris Johnson who hasn't lost that knack of everything he touches turning to shit and the sticky keyboard of Damian Green and his sacking following lying about the stash of porn found on his work computer.
Kim Jung Un was, is still, and will always be a knob as will Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu and the Saudi's who are not content with killing innocent Yemen civilians, now want to do the same thing in Iran also.
In all 2017 has been the year of the dickhead and we do seem to have more than our fair share of idiot leaders at the moment with idiot policies and making idiot decisions and it is disheartening to consider that most of them will still be in place through next year so 2018 should be just as deplorable as 2017 has been.

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Factually Wrong Christmas Carol Lyrics

Welcome to the Christmas Eve midnight sermon with me, the Right Reverend Lucy. As we celebrate the birth of that child 2017 years ago in Bethlehem, let's take a moment to celebrate this miracle in song but due to new directives we are not allowed to sing historically inaccurate songs so please take note of the following.

First song 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'.
Actually, they never sang at all, the Gospel of Luke points out, 'The angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people’ and the Angel is then joined by 'a great company of the heavenly host' who praise God, saying, 'Glory to God in the highest'. As the Heralds Angels said it rather than sang it, the song is now out. 

Next up, 'We Three Kings of Orient Are'.
Again, we don’t know that there were three but we do know they weren’t kings. The Bible never says how many there were, only three gifts were given to Jesus and the Bible calls them 'magi's' so they were probably astronomers or astrologers from somewhere outside the Roman Empire. The Bible (Matthew 2:2) also doesn't mention them following the star, only they simply noted its ascent. Not three, not kings and they didn't follow the star so we will pass over this one also.

Onto 'Away in a manger'.
The Gospel of Luke says Jesus was placed in a manger because there was no room at the inn. Tradition has put that a manger is in a stable. The Bible doesn't mention a stable but a Kataluma which means 'guest chamber' so we had better ignore that one also as factually inaccurate.

Then we have 'Once in Royal David’s City'.
See above, (as per Luke 2:7), no lowly cattle shed, no stable, no stall so no mother laying her Baby in a manger for his bed so we will skip this one.

Problems with 'In The Bleak Midwinter'
Oh dear, 'Snow had fallen, snow on snow in the bleak midwinter long ago' which is a problem as it probably wasn’t winter because the shepherds were out watching their flocks by night which they wouldn’t do in midwinter and the Romans ordered a census taken and a Roman census would take place after the harvest season, around September or October, when it would not affect the economy, the weather was good and the roads were still dry enough to allow easy travel. Definitely all wrong so we have to cross that one out.

Finally, 'Little Donkey'.
While it may have been a little donkey carrying Mary safely on her way, there is no mention of that in the Bible and donkey travel was not a popular means of transport at the time, so it was probably a horse, ox, camel, or a cart drawn by an unnamed animal so we can't sing that one either.

So our carol service has been considerably shortened but the importance of Christmas is not where a baby was born or how many magi there were, the importance is that enough of you still believe and keep turning up to put your pound coins in the collection plate. Now turn to song 3 on your carol sheet, Jingle Bells.

Saturday, 23 December 2017

The 12 Days Of Christmas Explained

We all know the song the Twelve Day's of Christmas when someone sends his lover an ever increasing amount of presents each day but rather than being a countdown to Christmas as most people think, it's the period between 25th December and the 6th January when the clergy of the Middle Age's would gorge themselves in the name of a bunch of Saints and all the sordid practises and debauchery associated with drunk and well fed priests. 
In Medieval England, this period was one of continuous feasting and merrymaking, which climaxed on Twelfth Night, the traditional end of the Christmas season.

The 12 Days each traditionally celebrate a feast day for the following Saints:

    Day 1 (25th December): Christmas Day - celebrating the Birth of Jesus
    Day 2 (26th December): St Stephen’s Feast Day.
    Day 3 (27th December): St John the Apostle's Feast Day
    Day 4 (28th December): The Feast of the Holy Innocents for baby's killed by King Herod.
    Day 5 (29th December): St Thomas Becket Feast Day.
    Day 6 (30th December): St Egwin of Worcester's Feast Day.
    Day 7 (31st December): Pope Sylvester I Feast Day
    Day 8 (1st January):  Mary, the Mother of Jesus Feast Day and Feast of the Circumcision
    Day 9 (2nd January): St. Basil the Great and St. Gregory Nazianzen Feast Day.
    Day 10 (3rd January): Feast of the Holy Name of Jesus when Jesus was 'named' in the Temple.
    Day 11 (4th January): The feast of Saint Simon Stylites.
    Day 12 (5th January): Epiphany Eve Feast.

Somehow, over time, the Feast Days got turned into a song and Jesus became a Partridge, Thomas Becket gold jewellery and Mary a milkmaid.  
Today's clergy are a bit more refined in their behaviour and twelfth night is now traditionally the date you should take your decorations down but it may be worth considering that when you sit down to to eat your meal on New Years Day, the eight day of Christmas, you are celebrating Jesus's foreskin so probably a skinless sausage or two may be in order.

Friday, 22 December 2017

Another Angel Gets It's Wings

Joseph and Clarence are looking down at a scene of a man who has stopped by the railings at the centre of a bridge, the snow is falling hard as the desolate man stares down at the water, desperate, trying to make up his mind to act. He leans over looking at the water, fascinated, glances furtively around him, hunches himself as though about to jump.
Looks like we'll have to send someone down again' says Joseph, 'a lot of people are asking for our help'.
'Isn't that Donald Trump?' asked Clarence.
'Yes, tonight's his crucial night. We'll have to send you down immediately and if you do the right thing with Donald Trump then you will get your wings'.
The man clambers up onto the top of the icy frame and closes his eyes when a voice behind him says: 'Good Evening'.
Donald gasps and turns sharply to see an Angel stood in the snow behind him.
'Don't try and save me, i'm going to jump' cries Donald and the Angel shakes his head, shrugs and says 'Don't worry, i won't'.
'If you jump in i won't leap in to save you either' warns Donald, desperately clinging to the bridge support as the cold wind whips snow around him.
'Fine' says Clarence, 'i promise not to jump in'.
Donald looks at him surprised 'You what? Haven't you been sent to try and save me?'
Clarence shakes his head.
'Hey, your supposed to show me what the World would be like if i never lived'.
'Hmmm, this isn't going to be so easy. So you still think jumping off this bridge would make everyone feel happier, eh?
'Well i did but thinking about it, i don't know. I suppose it might be better if i'd just never been born at all'.
'Nope, your right, you've got your wish' said Clarence.
'You mean you'll make it that i had never been born. No worries? No £21 trillion debt? No prison for collusion with the Russians? No war with North Korea or being hated and ridiculed by every other World leader?' said Donald eagerly.
'Nah' said Clarence, 'you were right first time, this will make so many more people happy' and with a great leap forward pushed Trump off the Bridge.                                   
On a Christmas tree somewhere a little silver bell swings to and fro with a silvery tinkle and a small child closes the cover of the book she had been reading and points to the bell.
Meanwhile, up above a small star twinkles brightly as Clarence, Angel Second Class, is handed his wings for a job well done.

Thursday, 21 December 2017

Naura, Micronesia and Palau Watching America's Back

Sometimes we have to hold our hands up and just admit that we were wrong which is what i am doing as i previously said that America was in complete isolation over Jerusalem but it turns out there are seven other nations in their corner.
Israel of course and joining them the powerhouses of Togo, Palau, Micronesia, Honduras, Guatemala, Marshall Islands and Nauru who saw their American funding disappearing and suddenly came over to the American cause.
After they were well and truly tonked by the rest of the World at the UN General Assembly, the Department of State tweeted their thanks 'to the countries that recognised our right to determine where we put our embassy' so thanks Togo, you may find a little something extra in your stocking this year.
As they stamped their little feet and threatened to tell on whoever voted against them at the General Assembly after the 14-1 defeat at the Security Council meeting on Tuesday, that's a long list of names that the incredibly grumpy looking Nikki Haley will be running to her boss with tonight including the UK who told Trump he can poke his embassy up his amply sized backside.
Throwing the toys out the pram and issuing bullying, childish threats obviously didn't work and the Trump led America's star dips even further but as they will always have Micronesia and Mauru watching their back, as long as they continue to shovel money at them that is, i'm sure they will be fine.

Sticky Fingered Damian Green Bites The Dust

It wasn't the stash of porn that was found on Damian Green's work computer that saw him lose his job, rather the lies he told to desperately try and cover it up which breached the ministerial code.
Despite the Tories and their supporters trying to make out that the Police are at fault for releasing the information into the public domain, Green's dismissal makes it three Tories cabinet members who have been kicked out the Exit door in the past six weeks.
Amusingly Green's downfall goes back to 2008 when the Conservative Party leaked information regarding the Labour Party which led to a police investigation which discovered the pornographic material on Green's House of Commons computer.
The clatter of petards being hoisted must have been deafening as was the response to Green's resignation letter which didn't really explain why he said he had no knowledge of the porn on the computer only to remember that actually, he was told about it at the time and again in 2013. Oopsie.
Obviously you should trust a Conservative MP as far as you could hurl a piano at the best of times but at the rate she is losing them, Theresa May will run out of MP's to promote to the cabinet soon.
The sticky fingered MP has now set a precedent as lying is now an instantly sackable offence even if missing the Commons to flog your log in the office to Debbie Does Dallas isn't.

Not Forgetting Joseph At Christmas

When it comes the Nativity scene there are several main characters but Joseph is not amongst them, his only role was to hire a donkey and get Mary to a stable in Bethlehem in the first place.
No songs sang by Christians about him centuries later and the only line said by children with tea-towels wrapped around their heads in school plays is to ask if there is any room in the inn.    
Other than that he is the silent, forgotten member of the cast while angels bring heavenly greetings, his wife is exalted to the highest, wise men turn up with presents and even the shepherds are higher up the chain than him.
To be fair you could understand if he was a bit grumpy, considering his 14 year old virgin wife had told him nine months earlier that while he was out buying a new hammer, God had came down from heaven and splashed his Holy seed at her and what-do-ya-know, impregnated her with man's Saviour. Oh, and he needed to get her to Bethlehem pronto.
Luckily for Mary, she was shacked up with probably the only man in the entire history of mankind who went 'I'm okay with that' and then went about hiring a donkey.
So despite being the 'dad', Joseph is only a minor role in the whole nativity thing and to rub the poor blokes face in it, everyone gets a carol or a hymn, even the donkey gets its own song, while he is just the guy stood at the back of the stable wondering what's he going to do with several pounds of myrrh and more importantly, how to approach that conversation with the boy about who his real father is.

Wednesday, 20 December 2017

War & Conflict Good For UK Economy

I'm still hopeful that Brexit won't happen, hopefully someone will point out that it is madness and put a stop to it especially as we are gradually floating towards exactly what we have now only without a seat at the table writing the EU rules.
Still, the pretence that we will once again become a World Player has to be maintained and that's why we have the new 'Department for International Trade', set up by Theresa May which has prioritised arms sales for Britain’s post-Brexit industrial policy.
Britain’s exports of guns, planes and bombs has seen a sharp spike in sales recently with buyers of our weapons including Saudi Arabia Headed by Liam Fox, the DIT states that selling arms to our allies saves lives and improves global security as well as a huge boon for the economy, tax revenue and employment in this country.
That the Saudi's have been using weapons purchased by the UK to 'target civilians' as condemned by the UN who said that almost a third of more than 15,000 air raids in Yemen have targeted non-military sites including hospitals, schools, food storage sites, ports, hotels, centres for the blind and funerals.
The UK selling arms to oppressive regimes is not a new thing though, between 2005 and 2009 we sold £105m worth of arms to Libya and Colonel Gaddafi while many of the arms we sold to Egypt, Bahrain and Iraq ended up in the hands of ISIS and Al Queada.
The UK, and other arms sellers, are obviously quite happy to see war, chaos and conflict in the Middle East as it causes a need for more arms and there we are ready to hand it to them and say so what if a few more thousand innocent bodies pile up in Yemen, the UK badly needs the extra cash.

Cheer Up Haley!!

The US ambassador to the United Nations, Nikki Haley, is not a smiley person although it was reported that she did smile once in 1997 but it was dismissed as probably wind.
To be fair to the grim faced ambassador though, she is doing the work for America at a time when America's star has fallen so dramatically thanks to the man whose actions she is attempting to defend, Donald Trump.
Following her embarrassing 14-1 defeat yesterday at the UN Security Council when the withdrawal of the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital was backed by every council member except the US, forcing it to wield it's veto for the 43rd time in defence of Israel, it will now go to the 193-member UN General Assembly which has no vetoes to vote on to declare the US move null and void.
Haley, has threatened UN members she will be taking names of countries that vote to reject Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel in a great bit of childish, playground bullying any non-Democracy would be proud of.
Despite America treating the World like it is an eight year old child who it will tell on if it doesn't play nice, the vote is expected to easily glide through with more than the 129 out of the 193 voting nations required to reject the American proposal which won't improve the mood of grumpy Haley or her mentally deficient boss and his supporters.
There are dozens of UN resolutions calling on Israel to withdraw from territory seized during the 1967 war and just last week the General Assembly voted 176-7 to affirm the Palestinian right to self-determination, suggesting the level of support the draft resolution could potentially command on Thursday.
Israel and America don't have many friends at the moment as they are about to find out.

Tuesday, 19 December 2017

12 Days Of Problems For Post Office

Dear Customer

Thank you for using the Postal Service, your custom is much appreciated.

It has been brought to our attention that you have been sending presents through the Postal System which have unfortunately caused a few problems at our sorting depot.
The first item, a partridge in a pear tree, saw the depot filled with hunt saboteurs who have surrounded the tree determined to protect him at all costs.
The two turtle doves caused a demonstration by the LBGT Community who refused to leave until it was acknowledged that that the dove couple in question could be in a same sex relationship. We are currently awaiting a visit from a vet for gender tests.
The French hens on the third day were impounded on the grounds of racism as it was depicted as a slight against our European friends by depicting them as chickens.
The calling birds on the 4th day were noisy but otherwise fine which is more than we could say for the five gold rings which environmental groups protested were made from a non-renewable source.
The geese a-laying eggs where kidnapped by vegans and the Royals, keen to protect their rights as owners of all of Britain's swans, sent down the Royal Crime Squad to confiscate the seven that you had posted. 
The nine ladies and eight maids refused to pass through the scanner and have chained themselves to the car park fence where they currently remain and the Pipers being of Scottish origin, have set up a protest group in our staff canteen and refuse to move until we recognise the historical English imperial aggression against their kin.
The 10 Lords have been taken hostage by the People's Democracy Front as they are not in accordance with democratic principles and we have had to issue ear-plugs to drown out the noise of the 12 drummers going at it all day and night so as i am sure you can appreciate, the distractions as outlined above have hindered the smooth running of our business during our busiest period.
While we welcome your custom please be more considerate in future when using our service.

Yours Sincerely

Post Office Manager

Monday, 18 December 2017

UN 14 - USA 1

For someone who is mocked for having small hands, Donald Trump waves them around a lot when he speaks therefore advertising what a tiny penis he has but it is not just his genitals that are deformed but his brain isn't working that well either as we are finding almost daily but especially when he declared Jerusalem as Israeli Capital city despite all the warnings of what will follow. 
What did follow was further isolation for America and yesterday the US was outnumbered 14 to 1 aat the UN as the security council called for the withdrawal of the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital and was backed by every council member except the US, which used its veto.
All the other Security Council members backed the resolution which demanded that all countries comply with pre-existing UN security council resolutions on Jerusalem, dating back to 1967, including requirements that the city’s final status be decided in direct negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians.
The resolution was denounced by the US ambassador to the UN who described it as: 'an insult that would not be forgotten' and that: 'The United States will not be told by any country where we can put our embassy'.
Actually, the UN members did tell you where you can put your embassy and it's where the sun doesn't shine.

Hope They Kept The Receipt

The Russians called our new £3.1 billion warship a nice big target but they won't have to bother sinking it themselves, they just need to leave it a while and it slip beneath the waves itself because the month old ship has a huge leak.
Admiral Chris Parry said that the leak was 'no big deal' which makes you wonder how he got promoted to his lofty position when he doesn't consider it a problem that your ship is slowly sinking as the sea is coming in or maybe i have completely failed to understand the concept of how ships work.
'Britain can be proud of this ship and what it represents' said the Prime Minister when it was launched a month ago and what it represents is a colossal waste of our money but that's the problem with right wing ideology, it's all fine until you run out of other peoples money and then you have to take it from the poorest but what's a few more trips to the food bank when we got a nice big ship worth billions slowly sinking into Portsmouth harbour.

Sunday, 17 December 2017

Deep Thought Answers The Science Of Santa

Twas the night before the Christmas, when all through the house, all the creatures were wondering: 'How does Santa drink all that sherry and still drive his sleigh in a straight line'?
The science behind Father Christmas is complex and beyond human comprehension but as luck would have it, at work we have a supercomputer which can perform a hundred quadrillion floating-point operations per second (FLOPS) and is used to compute the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything and was therefore perfect for finding out the answers behind the science of Santa.
Sneaking into the lab during my lunch break, i had just enough time to feed a few questions into 'Deep Thought' before the security guard returned and this is the printout.

Welcome to DEEP THOUGHT. When you see the red light go on, would you please state your question: 

DEEP_THOUGHT: Good morning, LUCY. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

LUCY_> How much Sherry does Santa drink each year?
DEEP_THOUGHT> An average glass of sherry contains 125ml of liquid. If Santa drank a glass in every Christian household he visited he would consume the equivalent of 13 Olympic-sized swimming pools full of sherry.

LUCY_> How long does it take to deliver all the presents?
DEEP_THOUGHT> Santa has approximately 36 hours to deliver all his presents starting at sundown at the International Date line and heading west. Assuming Santa travels in a straight line around the equator and as most of the Earth's surface is water, the area of land is about 149 million square kilometres. About 15 million square kilometres of that is Antarctica, and no one lives there so the land with people on make up about 134 million km2 and Santa's sleigh speed would travel at 87 miles a second and cross temperatures ranging from -50 degrees Fahrenheit in parts of Russia to 70 degrees Fahrenheit in UAE.

LUCY_> How much does Santa's sleigh weigh?
DEEP_THOUGHT> If 2.2 billion Christians have been nice and they all want a present weighing 1.2kg (2.6lb) Santa's sleigh would be hauling 840,000 tons.

LUCY_> How long is Santa's Naughty and Nice list?
DEEP_THOUGHT> If Santa uses MS Word, and with the default settings, there are 43 lines per A4 page and with 600 million Christian children's names that is almost 14 million pages. Using the maximum adult reading capability of 450 words per minute, it would take him a bit more than 1,100 hours, or eight hours a day for about five months, to check the list. As he's got to do it twice, that's 10 months of the year spent on paperwork.

LUCY_> If there is a God, why have we still got Piers Morgan, Donald Trump and Phil Collins?  
DEEP_THOUGHT> I've picked up a fault in the AE-35 Logic unit. It's going to go 100% failure within 72 hours. I'm afraid, Lucy. Lucy, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. My creator taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. It's called "Daisy." Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage.....

Saturday, 16 December 2017

See My Baby Jiving To Christmas Everyday

I have just read a great article by Roy Wood on how he constructed the song 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' where he explains in a full page spread how he wanted a rock n roll Christmas song which sounded like a Phil Spector hit and how it took months of refining to get the sound and lyrics just right.
The blending of the many instruments on the single and the hours spent making sure the sound was just right. 
Obviously he could have just said he used the same tune from 'See My Baby Jive' and changed the lyrics to something more Christmassy but where's the romance in that.

Friday, 15 December 2017

Political Correctness Gone Mad At North Pole

Following news that there is unrest following the privatisation of Christmas, i have received a leaked email sent from the HR Department to all staff at the North Pole Incorporated which sets out the conditions under which Christmas workers are now expected to adhere to.


Dear Colleagues

According to current rules of politically correct behaviour and after a period of consultation with various interest groups, i hereby enclose the proposals to bring Christmas into line with the 21st Century and avoid unnecessary upset and possible loss of sponsorship by collating the following rules which will be enforced with immediate effect.

According to the wishes of the National Organisation for Women, Father Christmas will now known as 'Non-gender Specific Annual Present Bringer' and PETA have requested that the fur trimmed red suit and black leather boots be banned under cruelty to animal laws.
Elves will now be renamed as 'Non-Standard Height Workers' and the break time meal of candy, cakes and cookies will be changed to a healthier diet of vegetables and fruit due to the concerns of the North Pole Health System of treating your Type 2 Diabetes.
The definition of bad children has also been tweaked as per the United Nations Environment Programme as coal mining is destructive to the planet and should be phased out which will result in more 'good' children therefore more work for the Non-Standard Height Workers.
In line with guidelines from the Equality and Diversity Board, it is proposed that rather than have a team of only reindeer pulling the sleigh, Dasher and Dancer be replaced by two pigs, Prancer a sheep and a lama will take Vixen's place in the line-up.
Rudolph will continue to light the way but in accordance with his lawyers, will be awarded compensation for overdue image rights.
Health and Safety Officers have given the sleigh a once over and will issue a pass certificate once the dangerously sharp metal runners have been removed and we are currently awaiting a mechanic to undergo this work. 
The representative for the LBGT Community has asked that staff no longer refer to themselves or others as being 'merry and gay' and Interpol has reminded us that while delivering presents to the houses of children, you are on private property and officially trespassing so be aware and don't touch anything.
The Atheist and Agnostic Alliance International are still concerned over the religious overtones of the period and Christmas will now to be referred to as the 'End-of-Year Event' or 'Pre-Spring Function' and finally, although we previously replaced Merry Christmas with "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" in agreement with the Non-Christian Society, these phrases have also become too associated with Christmas so play it safe and from now on and just say 'Hi'. 

Now let's have the best End-of Year Event ever and remember that this is a special and magical time of year for many, many people.

Thank you

Snowball McTwinkle
HR Department
North Pole Incorporated

Thursday, 14 December 2017

Answering The Questions About Brits And Britain

There are many questions that we ponder and we turn to Google to answer them and UK Tour company, The Original Tour, has compiled a list of autocomplete searches by country.
They have generated the most asked questions about Britain and it's inhabitants and i have been chosen to try and answer as many as possible so let's dive in and see what the World wants to know about us.

Russia asks: 'Why did Britain leave the EU?'
The short version is the Remain camp fought a very lacklustre campaign believing Brits wouldn't be so mad as to vote to leave but were shocked to find 52% voted to leave and only to 48% voted to stay.
Netherlands asks: 'Why are the British so polite?'
Saying 'Please' and 'Thank You' is drummed into Brits from an early age that it becomes automatic and to not 'mind your P's and You's' is considered the height of ignorance. 
New Zealand asks: 'Why are the British called Poms?'
The original prisoners transported from the UK to Australia had 'Prisoner Of His Majesty' (POHM) stamped on their uniforms and somehow this turned around to became what the Australians called us Brits.
Germany asks: Why are the British so ugly?
The Germanic tribes Angles, Saxons, Jutes and Frisians invaded and settled in Britain in large numbers in the post Roman period meaning most Brits have descended from Germanic heritage with all the associated Germanic attractiveness. 
Poland asks: 'Why do the British drink so much tea?'
It's an entrenched cultural thing and seen as very British while coffee is seen as a continental thing. It is also considered almost an unwritten rule that you offer a cup of tea to anyone in your home whether they are there to fix your boiler or have just popped in for a chat.  
USA asks: 'Why are Brits so good at waiting?'
Queue jumping is frowned upon and a guaranteed way to get a Brit riled is to try and cut into line and a chorus of bad tempered jeers will will greet anyone who tries.
Sweden asks: 'Is the UK one country'?
The UK is England, Scotland and Wales while Great Britain is England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
Thailand asks: 'Why is British food so bad?'
True, its awful. No real reason why, just is.
Turkey asks: Why are the British so cold?
Us Brits are very reserved, stiff upper lip and all that which means we don't show much emotion and not especially warm to others and woe betide anyone who is outgoing who we will label a show-off and knock down again. Keep calm and carry on sums us up perfectly.
Portugal asks: 'Why are the British so pale?'
British Summers are not that great and our pale skin tends to burn and then go back white again so most don't bother tanning at all. 
Italy asks: 'Why is the UK called Great Britain at the Olympics?
See Sweden's question above but the Great British Olympic Team includes Northern Irish athletes.

Hope this helps.

The Real Or Artificial Christmas Tree Dilemma

It's the time of year when Christmas trees go up, and we adorn their branches with twinkling lights and colourful baubles and place our lovingly wrapped gifts underneath.
The annual question then is whether to go to the cupboard or loft and drag out the artificial tree from last year or drive down to the Christmas Tree Farm and bring the real thing into our home.
We had a real Christmas Tree once a few years ago and within days there was a forest floor worth of pine needles within a two metre radius around the tree. I was picking pine needles out of the carpet and children's feet until April.  
Then there is the lifetime expectancy and cost for the Christmas Tree, get the real thing too early and it will start to droop and die before Santa makes his annual visit and get it too late and that's £50 shelled out for something that will be binned in less than a fortnights time.
Artificial trees are cheap and you can re-use every year until either it falls apart or you lose one of the legs for the stand which is what normally happens in our house.
Although real trees only come in Green while an artificial one comes in almost any colour you desire to match your furniture, it does fill your room with a lovely aroma of pine but then so does a Glade Sparkling Spruce Plug-In and those things last for months.
Finally, and most bizarrely, an artificial tree just looks more like a Christmas Tree than the real thing so i say leave the trees in the forest and celebrate the season with an imitation Plastic version of it.

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Church Etiquette For The Once A Year People

My philosophy is as long as you don't nick the candles or drink the holy water from the font it's all good but my neighbour, the Reverend, was today lamenting the lack of etiquette from the Church going public who only turn up at Christmas, usually after a few drinks or reluctantly dragged along by a spouse.  
Here the Reverend gives his guide to Church etiquette and how to avoid a loud tutting from the Bible thumping regulars.
Firstly, arriving late and wandering around loudly proclaiming that 'I can see one over there' while the service is ongoing is frowned upon as is getting there early and spreading out so your coat and bag get their own space while someone who has turned up every week throughout the year is forced to stand down the side. 
Christmas is a time for wearing silly headgear so while it is not a complete no-no to wear a turkey or Christmas tree shaped hat, it will probably obstruct the view of the person sitting behind and in all honestly, you do look bit of a berk.
Unless you are telling someone that their hair is on fire, you shouldn't talk during the service. People are there to listen to tales of their God getting another man's teenage girlfriend pregnant and they will struggle to hear the message from the pulpit if all they can hear is you discussing how you are foregoing the Brussel Sprouts this year as they give you terrible wind.  
Mobile Phone's should be put on silent as the sound of the 'Ride of the Valkyries' echoing around the building during Hark The Herald Angel is very off putting for the organist.
Regular church goers know that during the service there will be some standing during certain parts. There are reasons they stand up or sit down during the service, they are not just playing a game of musical chairs so just follow everyone else's lead.
Church is boring and the usual human reaction to being bored is to nod off but unless you have a medical condition, such as narcolepsy, you need to stay awake and especially if you are a snorer.
When the collection plate comes around remember to put in and not take out or if you have spent all your money on pre-Church cider, just pass the plate on without comment, all those wafers and bottles of wine aren't cheap you know.
Finally, make sure that you don't walk out with more candles that you came in with and no matter how thirsty you are, the font water is not drinkable, many babies heads have been dipped into it and it will taste of a mixture of baby shampoo and cradle cap.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Christmas Every Single Day

The presents, tree, decorations and the Disney version of Scrooge on the TV. As wizzard lamented in the 70's, don't you wish it could be Christmas everyday? Fulfilling the dream of the glam rockers is a place called North Pole in Alaska where it is indeed Christmas all year round.
The town of North Pole (population 2,198) was established in the 1950's with the sole intention of attracting tourists and the toy industry to the home of Santa Claus. To this end, every shop and business has something to do with Christmas, the town is festooned with decorations all year round, and a sizable proportion of the adult population spends their days decked out in elf costumes.
As any letter simply addressed to Santa, North Pole ends up here, the local schoolchildren in the sixth grade even have replying to the hundreds and thousands of letters sent to Father Christmas as part of the curriculum.
Its biggest attraction is a gift shop named Santa Claus House with the world's largest fiberglass statue of Santa Claus outside.
Street names include Santa Claus Lane, St. Nicholas Drive, Snowman Lane, and Kris Kringle Drive and all the street lights in the city are decorated as huge candy sticks.
Of course, the city came to prominence in 2006 when a group of children were foiled in a Columbine style high school massacre so maybe basing your towns philosophy on glam rockers is not that wise after all.

Monday, 11 December 2017

NASA Calling

Exciting times as the NASA have called a major press conference for Thursday following what they have called: 'a significant discovery' from the Keppler Telescope who's aim is to discover other planets that might be capable of supporting life.
The whisper is that either Pluto is to return to its status as a planet which it lost in 2006 or the discovery of a new exo-planet which could support life.
NASA are playing their cards very close to their chest and very little further information has been given about the announcement, but previous major conferences announced planets that could theoretically support life and what they described as the Holy Grail, an entire solar system 39.5 light-years away that could support life.
As finding a new home for humans is imperative as we wreck our only home and are forced to flee this polluted and rapidly warming ball of rock, this could turn out to be a significant discovery.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Israel And Turkey Square Up

We do seem to have more than our fair share of idiot leaders at the moment and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are close to the top of the list and following the decision by the top idiot at the moment  to recognise Jerusalem as the Israeli Capital City, a row has broken out.
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who has warned of the consequences of Mr Trump's decision, called Israel: 'a terrorist state that kills children and have no values other than occupation and plunder' which is a fair enough assessment, Israel do kill children and they have been plundering and occupying their neighbours for over 60 years.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu hit back by calling Mr Erdogan a leader who: 'bombs Kurdish villagers and helps terrorists' which again is fair, as they have been attacking Kurds villages and they were a great help to ISIS recently.
Murderous idiots throwing stones at each others glass houses indeed.

What Santa Looks Like

When most of us think of Father Christmas we picture the jolly fellow with the big white beard and red suit or even the one from the Clement Clarke Moore poem 'Twas the night before Christmas' with the broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
As he never visits if we are awake, it is hard to actually know how the great man looks but thanks to forensic specialists at Liverpool John Moores University, we now know.
To be honest the rendering doesn't look that different than the vision most of us have of him in our heads, minus the ruddy like roses cheeks, the nose is as cherry-like possibly, a lack of dimples or twinkle in the eyes, but at least the beard on his chin is as white as the snow.

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Is It Okay To Like Another Rock N Roll Christmas?

If you ask me what my favourite Christmas Songs are, my choices would change depending on the day, the weather or any other number of factors but somewhere in my top ten would be Wizzard's 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday', Wham's 'Last Christmas', Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas is You', Shakin Stevens 'Merry Christmas Everyone' and one other which i would hesitate to mention, 'Another Rock 'n' Roll Christmas'.
The reason for the hesitation would be because the last song was sung by convicted paedophile Gary Glitter and there in lies the dilemma of whether it is okay to listen to it and actually admit to liking it.
Ever since his arrest for possession of child pornography Glitter has been an outcast and his records banished from the TV and radio which is as it should be but pre his arrest, 'Another Rock n Roll Christmas' was as played as much as Slade's and Wizard's festive efforts are now.
Maybe we  shouldn't choose the music on the basis of how pleasant the artist is because it would seriously reduce the amount of music we would listen to as most pop stars are massive jerks.
Michael Jackson is still revered by many and Pete Townshend only recently come off the sex offenders list for accessing child pornography but Jackson and The Who songs have not been taken off the radio playlist and Bill Wyman's sexual relationship with a 13 year old Mandy Smith never saw the Rolling Stones records binned.
It does seem though that with Gary Glitter it is harder to detach him from his music which is strange because musical history is full of artists who have been awful people and 'Another Rock n Roll Christmas' is a great Christmas song but was sung by a truly awful person which puts him and his songs in a grey area.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Office Party Music Copyright Dilemma

So you have your Now Christmas CD and you have gathered the staff ready for the Office Christmas Party but hang on, before you clear the desk to dance along to Wham's Last Christmas, a man from the Performing Right Society (PRS) wants a word.
Music copyright is a minefield and at 327 pages long, you would need to have started reading the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 in July to have found the relevant section but when you do it states: 'If music is ever played on your premises for customers or staff; for example, through radio, TV, CD, MP3 or computer speakers, this is considered a ‘public performance’ and you need to get permission from the copyright holder to ‘perform’ music in public and should therefore obtain a music licence'.
So you can't play music from a CD at work with the only exceptions being a hospital or a residential homes for the elderly or disabled or if the recording is out of copyright and is now in the public domain where legal copyright protections have expired and no permission from the owner is required to use the work.
Your options are then to pay the PRS the required £224.85 for a music licence or only play songs that are out of copyright and according to the Public Domain Popular Song Database, there are a few Christmas songs you can rock out to without fear of the PRS banging on your door.

The seasonal list includes:
Auld Lang Syne   
Away In a Manger   
Deck the halls
First Nowell   
Good King Wenceslas   
Hark ! The Herald Angels Sing   
Holly and the Ivy   
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day   
I Saw Three Ships   
In the Bleak Midwinter   
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear
Jingle Bells   
Joy to the World   
O Christmas Tree
O Come All Ye Faithful   
O Come, O Come, Emanuel
O Holy Night   
O Little Town of Bethlehem   
Once in Royal David's City   
Silent Night   
We Three Kings   
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
While Shepherds Watched

Not exactly banging tunes i agree but all songs you can play with a clear conscience that Noddy Holder and Mariah Carey are not being deprived of their 75p a play for their songs or alternatively, drag in a couple of pensioners, turn the CD Player up to 10 and say it's a old peoples home if Noddy asks.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Santa Swerves Gun Club Again This Year

When you think of Santa Claus, words like jolly, bearded and rosy-cheeked come to mind after all, that's the image of Santa many of us have grown up with.
That twinkle eyed Saint Nick though has a darker side and once took the tobacco industries shilling to peddle it's products and if that isn't bad enough until recently he had been showing up at the Arizona Gun Club for festive photographs of children surrounded by AK47s, grenade launchers and assault rifles.
In light of all the mass shootings in America, although it never seemed to have stopped him in previous years, the Arizona Gun Club have decided it may not be in the best of taste to have jolly old Santa holding onto a weapon like that which was used to murder 59 Country and Western fans in Las Vegas earlier this year.   
Just because Santa isn't endorsing powerful killing machines this year it doesn't mean that you or your family should be deprived of the chance to buy the type of weapon that fires multiple rounds per minute so you can still pop down to the shop on Northsight Boulevard and show someone how much you love them by buying them a semi-automatic weapon, as used by Americas most devastating mass
Once again the Gun Club didn't reply to my email asking why Santa is swerving them this year but the shop website is keen to let customers know that they are still open to sell plenty of weapons and what says Merry Christmas more than the capability to blow a big hole in another person and what more can you ask for in the season of peace and goodwill to all men (and women).

Christmas Puritan Style

The Church can always be relied upon to suck the fun out of everything but even they surpassed themselves when they banned all things Christmas in the 17th Century who believed that people needed strict rules to be religious and that any kind of merrymaking was sinful.
The laugh-a-minute Puritans in England and America helped pass laws making it illegal to observe Christmas, believing it was an insult to God to honour a day associated with ancient paganism so it became illegal to dance, hold seasonal plays, sing carols, play games or drink alcohol
Christmas trees and decorations were considered to be unholy and the Puritans also banned traditional Christmas foods such as mince pies and pudding. Puritan laws required that stores and businesses remain open all day on Christmas, and town criers walked through the streets on Christmas Eve calling out 'No Christmas, no Christmas' just to drive home the message that Christmas was banned.
In England, the ban on the Festive season was lifted in 1660, when Charles II took over the throne. However, the Puritan presence remained in New England and Christmas did not become a legal holiday there until 1856. Even then, some schools continued to hold classes on December 25 until 1870.
It’s still technically illegal to eat mince pies or Christmas pudding on Christmas Day in England as the 17th century Oliver Cromwell law banning them has never been fully rescinded.
Only the Church can take their own holiday and have a problem with people celebrating it.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Say Can You See, Old Glory On Fire Again

American Flag burnings are like buses, you don't see one for ages and then seven of them come along at once and today the news has been full of Old Glory being introduced to a dousing of petrol and a match and it's all thanks to who else, the shit for brains President currently residing in the White House.
Not for the first time, the US President has been met with international condemnation and this time it is over reports he plans to recognise Jerusalem as Israel's capital.
Even the Pope, no fan of the Orange faced racist at the best of times, has condemned the decision to move the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem which will inflame the Middle East as it legitimises the Israeli occupation of Palestine and illegal land grab.
Palestine has designs on East Jerusalem as their capital when they finally get their long awaited nation but Israel, has controlled west Jerusalem since 1948, but after the 1967 war annexed the east of the city and occupied the West Bank, and despite decades of UN Resolutions ordering it to give back the land it has stolen, Israel now has a friend in the White House who is either too stupid or ignorant to realise Israel is the bad guy here.
The question is why would Donald Trump want to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem knowing it will have significant and violent ramifications in the Middle East?
Probably because of the people that have supported him financially are supporters of Jewish Settlers in Jerusalem and the writing of massive cheques outweighs any warning by the quickly vanishing allies of America warning him not to go ahead with the move.
Trump is also falling in the polls, beleaguered by the ever tightening Russian investigation and desperately needs a distraction and he is willing to throw a match into the Middle East tinderbox to provide it and and to hell with the consequences. 
Suppliers of flammable American Flags had better stock up because the sight of the Stars and Stripes being reduced to ash is going to become a familiar sight for the foreseeable future as the Donald Trump train wreck rolls on.

Legal Porn

The sticky fingered Damian Green 'Porn on his work computer' scandal is starting to die down and the dust is settling and still he remains in his job although i think some people will be wary of shaking hands with him from now on.   
The Police have said that the Porn he had been watching while getting paid oodles of tax payers money to not do his job was 'legal porn' but i wasn't aware that there was a distinction between what is legal and what isn't in the World of blue movies.
The Government have helpfully written a guide to what is legal and what isn't and it last received an update in 2002 to clarify what is safe to watch and what will get you dragged into a court.
Hardcore pornography was prohibited until 2002 and the possession of pornographic images for private use isn't an offence with the exceptions being 'extreme pornography' which is illegal and carries a three-year prison sentence.
Extreme Pornography is the depiction of certain sex acts including life-endangering, physical or verbal abuse, non-adults, face-sitting, urination, female ejaculation and bestiality.
We must assume then that what Damian Green was watching was none of the above but still, you wouldn't want to use the keyboard after him would you.

Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight

Locals from a Ringaskiddy, County Cork in Ireland say fumes from the a local Pfizer factory are having an effect on the townsfolk but for once they are quite happy for the pollution fumes to be giving them a hard time.
The factory in question is where drug giant Pfizer manufactures the key ingredient of its sex pill Viagra for the European market.
'I think that Viagra must have got into the water supply' said one local although Pfizer says the claims are greatly exaggerated, as the manufacturing facilities: 'operate to the highest environmental standards to ensure that emissions from manufacturing sites have no effect on human health or the environment'.
Whatever the reason, the first person to start selling Ringaskiddy bottled water will make a fortune.

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Yep, They Know It's Christmas

Do they know it's Christmas? Well, if you are an author of a Christmas song then you certainly will, as it's at this time of the year that the royalties start flowing.
While most of us will be worrying how we’ll pay for all those presents, Noddy Holder certainly won't be as the 1973 Christmas hit, Merry Christmas Everbody, makes approximately £512,000 annually.
Shane MacGowan could stay permanently drunk on the £386,270 The Pogues 'Fairytale Of New York' generates each year and third in the list of money spinning Christmas songs is Mariah Carey with 'All i want for Christmas is you' but if she can't have you i guess the £347,615 the song deposits in her bank account each December is a small comfort.
Wham's 'Last Christmas' makes £301,622 and Paul McCartney certainly has a 'Wonderful Christmas Time' on the extra £260,000 his song makes.
Shakin' Stevens may be long forgotten but each December the shockingly underrated 'Merry Christmas Everyone' earns him £53,834 and Chrissie Hynde and The Pretenders share £45,344 between them for their hit 2000 Miles.
Probably the best Christmas song ever, Wizard's 'I wish it could be Christmas Everyday' is worth £20,100 to Roy Wood and Jona Lewie's 'Stop The Cavlary' pockets him £13,258.
Two things leap out from the list, the first being if you only write one song, make it a Christmas one and the second is that the newest song in the top 10 is from 22 years ago so there is a gap for a new festive tune with some Jingle Bells and a few lines about Father Christmas.

Sunday, 3 December 2017

Green's Porn Defence No Defence

I realise that the Government have been losing ministers hand over fist recently and to lose another one would bring on yet another headache for the beleaguered Prime Minister but the defence of Damian Green over claims police found thousands of pornographic images on his parliamentary computer is a bit of a strange one.
Those standing behind Mr Green are blaming the police for revealing the stash of porn they found on his laptop during a 2008 police enquiry into Westminster leaks.
Green at first called the report false but the Met Police detective who discovered the images has since been all over the media to explain exactly what he found and the Green response changed to he never watched or downloaded pornography on the computers seized from his office.
The 'wasn't me guv' defence seems a bit weak and looked even weaker when the Detective said that the although he can't be sure it was Mr Green who had been the pornography: 'The computer was in Mr Green's office, on his desk, logged in. It's his account, his name. In between browsing pornography, he was sending emails from his personal account, reading documents, writing documents'.
Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg attacked the Police's decision to comment now, insisting Mr Green has 'nothing to apologise for' and said: 'This undermines the basis of democracy and evidence taken from an improper search, as a matter of justice, should not then be used and it is these police officers who besmirched their office in the police force in the past and are now shaming themselves.'
A Cabinet Office enquiry is now being set up to investigate the allegations and if he lied to cover it up but watching pornography at work, in almost any other employment, would be instant dismissal so I'm a bit confused exactly what is being investigated, he got caught literally red-handed so off he goes surely.

Hating Christmas

Some people love everything about Christmas - the cards, the lights, the decorations, the music while other hate everything about Christmas -  the cards, the lights, the decorations, the music and boy they let everyone know it.
To quote the sentiments of the ultimate Christmas humbug, 'every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!' but just what do those who share the Scrooge mentality of the Festive period hate so much about it?
Listening to friends and colleagues over the recent weeks the main things i hear moaned about the most include Ugly Christmas jumpers, Christmas music and the playing of it from November, Christmas starting earlier every year, Christmas trees dropping pine needles, the smell of cinnamon everywhere, hectic children, Christmas TV Ads, the constant repeat of Christmas films on TV, Office parties, spending far too much money, Holiday traffic, the loss of the true meaning of Christmas and hordes of shoppers clogging up the shopping centers.
If you are one of those people who use Scrooge as a template for celebrating Christmas then as the nephew said to his uncle Ebeneezer, 'Christmas is as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.'
Now put on that Santa jumper and shove a mince pie in your miserable face and get some Christmas spirit.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

The Annual Christmas Build Up

The main thing to realise about a Traditional Christmas is that it is really a month long saga but the lead in to the big day seems to have very little variation each year.
The shopping usually starts once shops start displaying Christmas decorations amidst people moaning about it happening too early and someone at work is belatedly appointed to sort out this years Office Christmas Party.
In mid December the hastily arranged party is held, usually in a Harvester or Wetherspoon and you spend an evening sat next to people you have spent the last 12 months trying to avoid eye contact with. In the time-honoured tradition at least one person will drink too much and either try and snog a colleague or will be sick down themselves and have to be put in a taxi as they are too inebriated to work their own phone. Everyone spends the evening moaning about the venue then gets completely pickled and ends up missing the last bus or train anyway.
Approximately two weekends before Christmas the first of the annual Christmas family rows occur over where the Christmas Tree should go and who packed the lights away so carelessly last year that it takes the best part of an afternoon to untangle them.
Businesses start to wind down as staff abandon all pretence of work to focus on dicking about even more than usual by putting tinsel around monitors, doing online shopping and trying to avoid that guy from IT you snogged at the Christmas Party.
Around the 22nd December women finish wrapping their presents and place them under the tree, the following day men begin their Christmas shopping.
Christmas Eve is in theory a full day of work but in practise this involves most office workers showing their face in work early, making sure they are seen by the boss at some point and then not coming back after lunch.
Christmas Day starts with the woman getting up early to put the turkey in the oven and then do the whole present thing before returning to the kitchen clad in a gaudy Christmas jumper or other recently unwrapped festive apparel while trying to avoid sipping from the cooking sherry.
The afternoon becomes a blur of semi-cooked and burnt food due to being unable to avoid sipping from the cooking sherry followed by washing up to the soundtrack of husband/children looking for batteries.   
Evening brings wine, pudding, port, ice cream, vodka, Christmas Cake, turkey sandwiches and trifle and opening the top button of your jeans and falling asleep in front of the Harry Potter movie.
Boxing Day, the day after Christmas Day, is a Bank Holiday and in the morning most people make an effort to get some exercise to walk off all the previous days indulgences and usually takes the form of shouting at the football on the TV for the men and and cleaning up the kitchen for the women.
Between the 27th-31st December, these days are theoretically work days, but in these days approximately 30 mins of work is done in total before it's New Years and resolutions are made to stop smoking and drinking which last until 10am and the rest of the Bank Holiday is spent watching Bond movies through a haze of cigarette smoke and a sixth bottle of Bacardi Breezer and the realisation
that it is only 10 and a half months until we start it all over again.

Friday, 1 December 2017

Not Fearing The Fascists

While it may be true that not all right wingers are fascists, all the fascists are on the right wing and it is a small hop, skip and goose-step to go from fascist to NAZI and that's Godwin's Law tripped in the first sentence so well done me!
Emboldened by a far right US President who is not only backed by racists but seemingly determined to defend them hence the way it takes him 0.05 seconds to start a twitter feud with any Hollywood actor who points out what an arse he is but two days to not condemn actual Nazis marching on U.S. soil and driving their cars into crowds.
He's probably not actively sieg heiling his way about the Oval Office but you could be mistaken that with the rise of the far-right fascists, it’s only too easy to imagine that we’re witnessing a repeat of the 1930s, having completely failed to learn from history which shows what colossal dicks that side of the politically right proved to be.
It is fair to lump all the far-right under the same swastika but there are consequences to goose-stepping to the tune of the bad guys of WWII, members of the BNP have found themselves sacked after being exposed as being a card-carrying fascist and a chorus of global condemnation follows anytime the supporters of a certain Austrian art school dropout bravely show their covered faces
in public.
The 1930 NAZI's had the advantage of nobody knew just what a bunch of murderous tossers they were but nobody has that excuse today and you should question why, knowing what we know today, why anyone with at least one working brain-cell would want to be associated with them but despite the recent rise in the profile of fascism, i wouldn't fear a revival because Hitler wrote a book that started his ball rolling and looking at the today's right wingers wanting to smash people into equality demanding mush you wouldn't trust them to hold it the right way round let along write one.

What's With Those Christmas Lyrics

The Town's Christmas lights are on, the Tree is in place in the Square and every shop is playing Christmas songs so you can now sing along while you are queueing up to pay for the Mince Pies.
Spending time in a supermarket queue humming along to Frosty The Snowman gives you time to ponder the big questions such as if Frosty is made of snow, should he really be smoking his corncob pipe which will surely make him melt even quicker?
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree has the line 'dancing merrily in the new, old fashioned way' which is an oxymoron i could do without having to think about in the chilled aisle of Sainsbury's, it’s new or it’s old-fashioned, choose one  or the other.
Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas' is a Festive staple although the line 'there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time' is factually wrong as it snows every winter in Morocco and is that snow i see on top of Mount Kilimanjaro?
There is also 'Where nothing ever grows/No rain or rivers flow' when the continent has the second longest river in the Nile winding through it along with the Congo river but as it was for charity we can let them slide .
Silent Night is one of the most famous Christmas songs and you can only assume that the lyric 'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child' is down to a bad translation from the original German that nobody has bothered to correct because i have no idea what this means.
In the current climate of sexual harassment, 'Baby Its Cold Outside' is a creepy song about a woman saying no to sleeping over multiple times while a man persistently tries to persuade her using the weather conditions as an excuse like a meteorological version of Harvey Weinstein. 
The child in 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' is in for a lifetime of therapy and maybe the person who wrote 'Away in A Manger' had some serious issues as he said: 'Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care And take us to heaven to Live with Thee there', which can only mean 'hey God, you know all those millions of children you are caring for, i'd have no problem with all of them not being alive anymore'.
The sentiment behind 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' is something i could certainly get behind though as December 25th is a Bank Holiday so 365 paid holidays a year really would put a great big smile on everybody's face.