A Lifetime Of Stats

"Stats can prove anything" so says anyone who is losing an argument but there was a programme on the ever excellent Channel 4 the other night that bombarded the viewer with a bunch of stats that made you go 'hmm'.
Ever wondered how much milk you will drink in your lifetime? 15,913 pints apparently.
Here is what the average person gets up to in his or her lifetime.
We fart 35,815 times which is not surprising as the average person eats the equivalent of 15 pigs, 5 cows, 1300 chickens and 23 sheep. The vegetarian trouser trumpets could be accredited to the 10,866 carrots, 4,398 loaves of bread, 14,856 eggs and 5,757 apples we scoff. Still, the aromatic smell emanating from our backsides doesn't put us off having sex 4239 times.
We will drink 7,153 pints of beer, 79,481 cups of tea (it was an English show) and 998 bottles of wine all which means plenty of trips to the lavatory to rid ourselves of 254 lites of urine.
We take 7,163 baths and use 302 cans of deodorant (numbers may vary in France obviously). Everyone knows 1,700 people in their lifetime and spends £1,537,380 with £12,924 of it going on clothes. Smokers inhale 77,000 fags and we will know 25,000 words but will speak 56,618,100 words.
Don't know how they worked it all out but i may have to borrow some cigarette and alcohol allowance off somebody.

Cats Suck.

When i was a small girl, we briefly took in a cat for a relative who was going away to Scotland or some such hell-hole for a few weeks. The idea of a joyful, bundle of fur to play with soon lost it's sheen as it slowly dawned on me, along with scratches, that cats and I are not compatible.
It seems that more people are coming to the same conclusion because the RSPCA has asked us to stop dumping our felines with them.
The animal Charity has coughed up a furball in horror at the number of cats it is being called upon to rescue which account for over a third of all their unwanted pets.
"Sadly, there do now seem to be cycles in which one pet is more fashionable than another," says an animal inspector taking a short break from litter tray duty no doubt, "It could be that handbag dogs or pit bull-type animals are in fashion and that could leave no room for a cat in the home. We have even had cats handed in because they didn't match the new carpet."
Just think if we could extend that decor logic to men.
I'm sorry but your pasty white skin clashes with my magnolia walls. It's over.
And take your bloody horrible cat with you.

Jessica Lynch Pop's Propaganda Bubble

Sometimes you have to to stand back and applaud someone who refuses to take the easy option and stand up for what they believe, despite the possible consequences. Former US private Jessica Lynch is sure to face a character assassination along the lines of Cindy Sheehan from the pro-War and pro-Bushites but you have to admire the way she condemns efforts to turn her into a "little girl Rambo", and accused military chiefs of using "elaborate tales" to try to make her into a hero of the Iraq war.
The easy thing to do would be to allow the plaudits and fame to wash over her and achieve instant fame but instead she has taken the much bumpier road of the truth.
The Pentagon initially put out the story that Private Lynch had been wounded by Iraqi gunfire but kept fighting until her ammunition ran out. In fact, her gun had jammed and she did not fire a shot.
Reports also suggested that Ms Lynch had been abused after she came round in the hospital. She said the reports were lies and she had been treated well and the Iraqis had tried to return her to US forces.
Yet more lies and propaganda by the perpetrators of this devastatingly wrong war uncovered.

Bye Bye Boris

Boris Yeltsin died today and his remaining image will forever be him stood upon the tank outside the Russian parliament building and calling upon his supporters to resist a coup of hard-line Communists who had seized power from Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev. Everyone and his dog is going to mention about his achievements and failures so i am going to mention one of the stories that summed up the man. 1994 and on a trip back to Russia after a G-7 economic summit meeting in Canada, Yeltsin landed in Ireland to meet with the Irish prime minister at the airport. Hours passed with Irish officials still waiting on the tarmac for a ceremonial appearance by the two leaders. Suddenly a Russian officials scuttled down the stairs of the aircraft to announced that Yeltsin was 'too tired' to meet with the Irish prime minister.Much embarrassment followed but Yeltsin was safely sleeping off his hangover back in Russia when it emerged that he had actually been smashed out of his skull on vodka.He did some good things and he did bad things but he will always be the drunk Russian who was too pissed to get off the plane to me.

There'll Always Be an England

The 23rd April is St. George's Day where us English celebrate all things English. Not the nasty bit when we took over half the world and murdered the local inhabitants, just the good bits. Brushing under the carpet the imperialist killing machine that we were (and still are some would say), it's time to stop and think just what we could do to celebrate this great nation of ours.
The typical England Day would have to begin with a full English breakfast of bacon (Danish), croissants (French), freshly squeezed orange juice (Spanish) and a lovely cup of tea (Indian).
Then all the family will troop outside to the garden and salute the George Cross to a traditional English tune, Wannabe by the Spice Girls or maybe Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols.
This could be followed by silent contemplation on just who buys Rolling Stones records and whether hanging would be to good for them. Then it's the grand old British tradition of binge drinking, getting so tanked up that you can barely stand and starting a fight with the closest person to you at the time.
Should be good.

Happy B'day Queenie

I was once asked to write an article titled "What's wrong with the Monarchy". I replied that the newspaper only had 48 pages and i would never be able to fit it all in.
I had planned to write a post about Elizabeth II celebrating her 83rd Birthday today but apart from being curtseyed at and waving, the Queen doesn't actually do or say much. So to commemorate Her Maj's surviving another year on the planet, here are some of her hubby's greatest gaffs.
"If you stay here much longer you'll all get slitty eyed." speaking to British students in China. "You are a woman, aren't you?" to a Kenyan woman who had just given him a gift.
"You can't have been here that long. You haven't got a pot belly." to a Brit in Budapest.
"You managed not to get eaten, then?" to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea.:
"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" to a driving instructor in Scotland.
"Aren't you descended from pirates?" to a Cayman Islander.
"It looks like it was put in by Indians." after seeing a fusebox in Edinburgh.
"If it has got four legs and isn't a chair, if it has got two wings and isn't a plane, and if it swims and isn't a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." at a World Wildlife Fund meeting.
"Do you still throw spears at each other?" to an Aborigine in Australia.
"So you can write then?" to a 14 year old who had written to the Queen inviting her to visit Essex.

Any Link Here?

It is always a contentious subject but violent films inspiring real life violence should be thrown in the ring along with lax gun laws and mental illness as possible motives behind acts like we witnessed this week.
US Police are investigating whether Cho Seung-Hui was copying scenes from the Japanese film 'Oldboy' when he murdered 32 people with
Officers believing he repeatedly watched this particular film.
The top gun-to-head picture looks eerily similar to the actors pose from the film but that is a very familiar pose i have seen many times before. It is the hammer wielding image below that makes the link between the film and his mindset.
The fact that he seems to have been influenced by the film will rightly re-ignite the debate over whether violence in movies can lead to people becoming more violent themselves.

Such A Classy Broad

I have never been much of a fan of Ozzy Osbournes other half, she has always struck me as a stroppy cow and was never taken in by all that cutesy bumff stuff she does in that irritating voice. Thus i feel vindicated in thinking what a horrible piece of work she is after her attack on Josh Homme of Queens Of The Stone age.
After stating that his band will not be playing Ozzfest, the queen of cosmetic surgery calmly retorted,"I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin' falls off so his mother can eat it" Classy lady we are dealing with here as she proved in the interview where she admitted sending her own excrement to people she felt had criticised her.
Her bowels must of been working overtime after her brief stint as a chat show host which sank like a Russian submarine as everyone and their dog panned her inability to perform the basic tasks such as reading cue cards and conducting interviews.In 1989 Ozzy was arrested for attempted murder after trying to strangle his wife so i would hate to think what she sent him after that, with a classy lady like her it's probably best not to think too hard about it.

Mum, Can I Have A Rapist Doll?

When i was a young girl the Star Wars figures were big business, as i recall i had a Princess Leah and a Chewbacca.
Cindy & Barbie dolls have often got a bit of a kicking for portraying an unattainable female image to young kids so heaven knows what was going through the minds of the executives sat in the merchandising meeting for the new Tarantino film 'Grindhouse'.
Some bright spark, possibly high or just ridiculously insensitive, pitched the idea for action figures from the film so now we can hear the screeching tones of kids demanding 'Rapist Number One' emanating from the aisles of Toys R Us.
So who is this toy aimed at considering the film is sure to be an 18? If you have a child that actually sees this flick and recognizes the figure than perhaps your parenting should be questioned.
If you are over 18 and yet want an action figure doll then you really should get out more.

Bryan Ferry & The Nazi's

Whenever I cast my minds eye in the direction of Bryan Ferry, i see him looking suave with a suit jacket slung casually over his shoulder. The man my mum actually called 'Phwaor' and my dad called 'ponce', may not of had a decent song since Lets Stick Together but he has hit the headlines with a subject more prickly than a Mohican hedgehog.
Just how long is a decent length of time before murderous regimes become acceptable? Ferry is being diced and chopped for saying that the Nazi's icons were aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Obviously 60 odd years is not long enough judging by the reaction but how long was it before the Vikings stopped being murderous savages who raped, pillaged and killed anything and everything and become cuddly blonde, bearded figures? Genghis Khan hacked and stabbed his way across Europe & Asia but is regarded as one of history's greatest warriors and the Pirates and Roman Army have had some great PR men working on their causes because they have a very romantic image these days.
Napoleon left Josephine at home most nights as he tried to conquer Europe by force 200 years before Hitler had a go at the same thing. So how long can we leave it before saying nice things about the Nazi regime, maybe the German fans wearing funny WW1 German helmet with a spike on the top at sports events in much the same way as the Scandinavians wear funny horned viking helmets.
Obviously not yet so put down the Swastika armband Bryan.