Hard Things Made Easy #1

I've never played Guitar Hero or any of those type of games but i'm all for them if they introduce guitar music to a whole new generation. Hopefully it will inspire a few more Green Days and Nirvana's and save us all from bland Simon Cowell influenced pop which bores me to tears. We went through that in the late 80s and i don't want ever want to go back to the days of Take That and Backstreet Boys dominating things.
What games like Guitar Hero don't do, is teach you how to play the chords needed to bang out a tune on a guitar. You may be able to play Sweet Child O' Mine perfectly on the X Box, but you are never going to be able to match Slash without years of practice. Frustrating i know. When i first got a guitar i wanted to turn the amp up to 10 and thrash out the riff to Holiday In Cambodia. Not so much playing ethnicky jazz to parade my snazz, more a bloody racket which had the parents shouting up the stairs to tell me to turn that noise down.
I had a very good teacher who would spend most of the time going through how to make an E Chord, then an A chord and finish off with a well known song that had those chords in and it is amazing how many songs are comprised of just a few chords. Every time you get your head around a chord, you add thousands of songs to your repertoire. I know perfectly good musicians who get by just knowing the main 5 chords E, A, G, C and D. The whole punk movement was built upon musicians who only knew these five so within a few weeks of practising, the moving between the chords is the trickiest bit, you have the tools to play along to pretty much anything by The Ramones, Clash, Sex Pistols or Green Day.
Many people are happy to stay at that level and strum along to their favourite songs, while others move on to add further chords to their arsenal.
What most people are keen to learn are the face melting guitar solo's which are the raison d'être of Guitar Hero. I don't know a quick and cheerful way to learn these apart from using sites like Ultimate Guitar Tabs to start with to find the Tabs which show you diagrams of where your fingers go and what strings to play.
My advice for anyone making the leap from Guitar Hero to a real guitar is to start with learning those 5 common chords and you will be on a par with many famous musicians who have made much of moving around within this range of chords.
Right then, hold down that E string at the 8th fret and 1..2..3..4...So you been to school for a year or two and you know you've seen it all.

Belatedly Punishing Polanski

For me the Roman Polanski arrest is outrageous. Outrageous that it has taken this long to get him. Here is a man who gave a thirteen year old girl drugs and alcohol and then went on to perform, to quote the 1977 charges, child molestation, unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, rape by use of drugs, oral copulation and sodomy before skipping the country.
How anyone could even consider leaping to the defence of this paedophile is beyond me but leap they have.
The French culture minister, Frederic Mitterrand, says he is 'dumbfounded' by Polanski's 'absolutely dreadful' detention in Switzerland, declaring that it made no sense for the director to be thrown to the lions for an ancient story. He then went on to berate America for hounding him.
Most disappointing is actress Whoopi Goldberg who has plummeted in my eyes by making the excuse that whatever he was guilty of it wasn't "rape-rape".
She said: "I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and when they let him out he was like, 'You know what, this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail. I'm not staying.' So that's why he left."
How can it even enter someones mind to make excuses for a rapist and paedophile so Whoopi has just, i would hope, struck the death knell for her own career.
Being rich and famous should be not be any defence for anyone and if there is any justice, Polanski will be belatedly punished for his crimes.
Whoopi, you are a ignorant fool.

On The Path To War With Iran

It's 2003. George W Bush and Tony Blair are all over the media telling us that Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction and must be stopped by any means necessary. Meanwhile, in North Korea, Kim Jong ill is jumping up and down shouting that he is building nuclear weapons. Saddam, WMD-less as it turned out, was turfed out and his country pillaged. Kim Jong Ill, proud owner of a gleaming new nuclear arsenal, continues to stomp around unhindered today, still making a loud noise.
The conclusion that we can safely take from this is if you have nuclear weapons, we will leave you alone.
Now concerning Iran, i come from the angle that it is the highest form of hypocrisy for us to threaten it while we look to upgrade our own hundreds of nuclear weapons.
But Iran can't be trusted goes the usual cry from those not content until there is an Iranian shaped hole in the Middle East. I think that the last decade or so has shown that when it comes to the honour stakes, we haven't covered ourselves in glory. Think of Kosovo, Iraq, Afghanistan.
The faint war drum grew much louder today when it was revealed Iran was building a second uranium enrichment plant.
Obama accused Iran of concealing the covert site "for years" and Gordon Brown called it a 'shocking level of deception'.
Very true, or it would be if they hadn't known about it for years and only chose to reveal it now when they are trying to get tougher sanctions. Sanctions that China will veto and Russia are not keen on which leaves us back on that path of bypassing the UN to attack which was previously taken by Bush and Blair over Iraq.
This is the US and the UK, those two again you notice, shifting into let's have a war mode.
They have began talking up the pressure in an effort to turn public opinion against Iran although they have no evidence and they are spinning and lying from the get go.
We are being talked into another situation here which will move along at pace and lead directly to us bombing yet another Middle Eastern country.
Obama promised change but it seems nothing actually has except for Bush and Blair we can now read Obama and Brown with Israel once again cheer leading.
Let's not be fooled again.

The Pope Is Coming

As i type, the bones of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux is being biked around the country. I say bones, it's a bit of thigh and a few teeth but the Catholics are turning up hoping to touch the plastic covering the coffin and praying for a miracle.
Now the 4m Catholics here are rubbing their rosary beads even faster in excitement because Pope Benedict XVI has agreed to grace our land with his presence next summer.
If you happen to bump into him while he is kissing the pavement, he may be addressed as Holy Father, the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ or even the Primate of Italy which seems a bit harsh considering Silvio Berlusconi is still around.
I expect as well as the 4m Catholics, there will be a fare spattering of the 95% of the rest of the country who don't much care for the Pope protesting, whether it be because of his abhorrent messages on the use of condoms, the backing for choir boy molesters within his church, his anti-homosexual mutterings or because they think religion is to blame for most of the World ills and they want to shout at Gods representative.
I would just like to point out to them that if they are planning to throw things at the Italian primate, then condoms would be very apt. Used condoms will probably fly through the air even better and land with a much rewarding splat.
Whatever our feelings on him, let's make the former Nazi youth member feel welcome to our green and pleasant land and hope that he wears that same hat he has on in the picture above. It's brilliant.

Who's Your Friend Gordon?

Remember when St Tony Blair was awarded that medal by George W Bush. Remember how he was so embarrassed that he put off accepting until he was out of office and then at some low key presentation so he hoped nobody would notice.
Well, the Labour Party seem to want to keep it quiet but Gordon Brown has been honoured as world statesman of the year and was handed an award on behalf of the Appeal of Conscience Foundation, an interfaith organisation which campaigns for religious freedom and human rights, by the former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger?? To be given the award of statesman of the year by somone like Henry Kissinger is something akin to being honoured for your humanity by Pol Pot.
The foundation praised Brown's "compassionate leadership in dealing with the challenging issues facing humanity, his commitment to freedom, human dignity and the environment'.
Really? That's what he got it for? Seriously?
What is it with these yanks and our Prime Ministers? It seems the more hated they are here, the more they like them over there. Thatcher had Reagan, Blair had Bush and now Brown with Killinger, sorry, Kissinger.
All 3 involved in highly controversial wars, two of them removed from office and one about to be removed at the first time of asking although nobody voted for him in the first place.
Awarding Brown for his leadership is almost as far fetched as appointing some crazed, war-mongering barnpot like Tony Blair as responsible for bringing peace to the Middle East. They did what??

Entrance Music For The UN Delegates

The best and brightest are all turning up at the UN General Assembly but to make it a bit more interesting, the World leaders have asked to make an entrance in the style of boxers, with music greeting them as they make their way to the podium to give their speeches.
The song list has mysteriously gone missing but i'm sure that we could pull something together in such short notice.

First up is Libya's Colonel Gadaffi. Patsy Cline's 'Crazy' should do it.
Palestine's Mahmoud Abbas is up next so it's got to be Guns 'n' Roses, 'Right next door to hell'.
Can't quite see that little guy walking up so its got to be a small child or Nicolas Sarkozy. Considering his recent heart problems, Fergal Sharkeys 'A good heart is hard to find' should go down quite well.
As Robert Mugabe recently celebrated his 85th birthday, i wonder if he will understand the message behind Billy Joel's 'Only the good die young' as he takes his place at the podium.
Here comes the Belgium leader so 'Being Boring' by the Pet Shop Boys should make him think of home and we can use it for the Canadian PM when it's his turn.
Hugo Chavez, so it can only be 'Your the best thing' by the Style Council and i'll get 'Bring Your Own Bomb' teed up for Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai.
To close the day its the President of the United States, Barack Obama and looking at his ratings recently, 'Every day i love you less and less' by the Kaiser Chiefs will hit the spot.

Where Did Switzerland Go?

There are some countries in the World that could just disappear over night and nobody else would notice.
Who would notice, apart from the residents, if Mongolia just ceased to be one day or Peru. Nothing against these places, I'm sure they are very nice, it's just that they don't really make much of an impression so if you woke up tomorrow and Peru was missing from all the atlas's then you would probably not even notice.
With this in mind, our new favourite world leader, cuddly Colonel Gadaffi, is hoping to rub out Switzerland under a bizarre motion he is ready to table at the UN tomorrow.
Following up from his fantastically mad rant against the land of cuckoo clocks at the G8 summit earlier this year, the completely sane Libyan leader is now proposing to share the Alpine nation’s land out amongst France, Italy and Germany.
So what has sleepy Switzerland done to get Gadaffi's back up so much? It could be something to do with the arrest of his son who was jailed for two days after assaulting his domestic staff while staying at a hotel in Geneva.
Swiss MP Christa Markwalder has been telling anyone who will listen that: “Libya has requested that it be discussed at the UN General Assembly that Swiss territory be divided and distributed to neighbouring countries. We are concerned that Libya will attempt to use its year-long presidency of the UN General Assembly to damage Switzerland's reputation.”
Gadaffi has already suspended the issuing of visas for Swiss nationals and forced Libyan branches of Swiss companies, including Nestlé, to close.
I expect that if he wafts a few barrels of oil under Britain's nose, it will get our full support but otherwise it is all going to be brushed aside for the more serious business of rubbing out Iran instead.
Just in case though, i can thoroughly recommend the Michel Thomas Learn to Speak French course to any Swiss residents with a need to learn French very quickly. Bonne chance.

My Solution To The Debt Problem

Lots of talk recently about how the Government is going to set about clawing back the £1.3 trillion we owe.
I'm no economist but to my mind there are only three ways to go about it. You can either get more money, spend less out or mix it up and do a bit of both.
The problem with the first option is that it means a rise on taxes which nobody likes and will leave the Government open to allegations of openly penalising everyone for the misdeeds of a few. Not a vote winner.
Option two is less obvious and the choice of Government because of it but means cutting public services and how to decide which services to cut?
Whatever one gets its budget slashed, it is going to have an negative effect again on the public who will show their displeasure at the ballot box.
The third choice is the worst of both worlds where people see their taxes go up while their services go down. Guaranteed to see a collective kicking on election day.
So once again it is up to me to come up with a solution and this is my idea.
Scrap things like the ID cards idea, the national database and renewing Trident. These three alone would shave tens of billions off the debt and that's before i get to the clever bit.
Rather than large swinging cuts in certain departments that will disable certain parts while others are left untouched, lop 1% off every departments budget for the next fiscal year, leaving nothing ring-fenced.
It would be easier to adjust to a small, 1% deficit in expected income in each department rather than some juggling a large, 10% one. It would mean less job cuts and the continuation of services with only the slightest reduction in quantity or quality.
The combination of the savings from large scale, non-vital projects, the 1% cut and the repayment of the billions owed to the Government from the banks, would not wipe out the debt in one fell swoop but would massively reduce it to a manageable level without major disruption or people taking to the streets in protest at the reduction of their pay packets.
Whatever they decide, and it looks as though they will go down the deep cuts and the raising of tax route, we are going to be stung so lets make it as painless as possible by taking a little from everywhere. Makes sense to me.

Creation: The Darwin Story

According to the philosophy, yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. If you have the good, then you have to put up with the bad which is why, i presume, we have to suffer Celine Dion.
This philosophy is particularly true in cinema where there have been an equal amount of great films balanced by some that stank out the place.
It seems that one movie we are about to have foisted upon us is Creation, the life of Charles Darwin, a film which the blurb describes as being about a man who loses his faith in God.
The film has been sold to distributors in almost every territory around the world, from Australia to Scandinavia however US distributors have resolutely passed on a film which they think will prove hugely divisive and have declined to show it.
I say good for them because as much as Darwin wrote probably the most influential and ground breaking book ever, the film sounds a turkey.
There isn't much you can do with a man whose highlights involved spending five years on a boat, watching some wildlife and then spending the rest of his life writing up his findings and hiding from the ire of the Church.
Even Hollywood, who have no qualms about rewriting history to satisfy its audience, would be hard pushed to make the life of Darwin watchable.
Possibly they could throw in a few scrapes with sharks (Jaws), killer whales (Orca) and whirlpools (Jason and the Argonauts) in the sailing portion of the film and have him chased by spear throwing natives on the islands (Indiana Jones) and run out of town by torch bearing religionists (Frankenstein) when he gets back home.
Alternatively, it could be 90 minutes of a man being sick over the side of a boat, a few shots of him looking at plants and then sitting at a desk writing.
Gripping and it's not even going to annoy the nutty religio's because they won't be able to see it.
If the Yin Yang thing is still working, we must be due a brilliant film soon after.

East European Missile Defence System Scrapped

Another one of George W Bush's mistakes during his time in charge has been laid to rest with the cancellation of the proposed missile defence system in eastern Europe.
Billed as a defensive measure aimed at stopping any Iranian intercontinental missiles which it doesn't have, it was always really a political maneuver concerned with America parking its missiles on Russia's doorstep in a move of brinkmanship.
The only supporters for the missiles in Europe were the leaders of Poland and the Czech Republic who made no secret that they saw it as a way to provide a boost to their economies and gain leverage in European politics even though it wasn't even popular with there own citizens, 70% of Czechs said they didn't want it in their nation. They obviously didn't like the idea of a big red target being painted across their country.
I expect Obama will be hauled across the coals for this decision which could well be economical rather than out of any sense of a sane policy, but i say if America is that worried about Iranian missiles raining down on their heads, then they could build a thousand of these sites up and down their own country and leave us to worry about missiles coming over from Tehran.