90 Days Of Summer: Day 30

We are now officially on the thirtieth day of meteorological summer and with two thirds still to go i've already outstayed my welcome in the local supermarkets freezer aisle, the security guards have been eyeing me suspiciously as i have been spending far too much time standing with the doors open in the dairy section.
That the thermometer has been hovering around 30C for almost a fortnight now is too much to bear as is the weatherman describing the wall to wall blue skies, blazing sunshine and high temperatures as glorious and beautiful when all i want is a massive thunderstorm to wash it all away and be able to turn my cars steering wheel without getting third degree burns whenever i go around a corner.
Finally it seems my fist waving and cursing at Mother Nature may come to fruition because of the three weather apps on my phone, two are saying the UK's south coast is in for torrential rain, hail and lightning tomorrow.
The Met Office have issued a warning saying that heavy rain could lead to flooded homes and businesses and difficult driving conditions but no mention of a woman running around in the downpour cackling maniacally and belly-flopping into puddles which i guarantee will also happen tomorrow.

Not Crying For Argentina Or Portugal

Unless you are Portuguese or Argentinian, or you have them in the office sweepstake, nobody will be too upset to see the pair of them dumped out of the World Cup at the first knockout stage.
Messi and Ronaldo will be sat at home on the sofa watching the remaining games like the rest of us only probably with less chocolate and bottles of Theakston Old Peculiar.
The World Cup so far has been brilliant, mainly because the big boys haven't been steamrolling everyone as they usually do so Germany, Argentinia and Portugal have been dinked out before the Quarter Final stage which can only be good for the competition as some of the more unfancied teams will progress to the later stages.
Maybe i was a bit hasty asking for my £2 back when i pulled out Uruguay in our works sweepstake which made it doubly sweet that Ronaldo and his team have been turfed out by them.
My £64 winnings though could be in danger as the French are next up for Uruguay and Les Bleus looked good today, despite having quite a few Chelsea players handicapping their side.     
England play Colombia on Tuesday and their main striker, James Rodriguez, is a serious doubt after being subbed with an injury in their last game which only makes us England fans even more convinced that the fates have already decided where the Trophy is heading which means that this time around us English fans won't have the problem of who to cheer for once we are put out and the TV screen is covered in Theakston's finest barley and hops.

Who Is Scamming The Football Fans

Football fans are being warned about the risk of spending money on fake kits as fraudsters seek to take advantage of World Cup fever.
The Governments health and safety officers have said that they are working extremely hard to try to prevent scams and that 'Scammers are cunning and opportunistic' and 'callously trying to exploit people's enthusiasm for all things football'.
As football fans pay a 1,000 per cent mark up on replica England shirts which sells at an average £49.45 but costs less than £5 to produce, i would say the scammers are also the people who sell the real kits who are also exploiting people's enthusiasm for all things football.

For You, Fritz, Ze World Cup Is Over

I once made a joke here that us British have a word for taking pleasure at another persons misfortune, schadenfreude, and how Germany must wish they had such a word in their language but i got angry comments from German speaking members of the pedantic society who wouldn't know a joke if it sat on them so i won't make that mistake again especially as the Germans will not be in the best mood considering their team has just got dinked out of the World Cup.
Yep, the Winners of the last Football Fiesta are packing up their lederhosen and should be back in Berlin in time for Schnitzel and chips for supper.
As i said before, the Footballing Gods seemed to have decreed that it will be England who toddle away with the World Cup Trophy this time around, an easy qualifying group, an equally straight forward first round group stage and now with Germany out, the team we were penciled in to meet at the Quarter Final stage, it makes England’s path to glory even more inevitable. 
As there is a chance Brazil will park their carnival float in our path before the Final, all we need is for them to be knocked out by Serbia tonight and we won't have to face Neymar falling over theatrically everytime someone breathes near him.
For 90 minutes tonight, every English man, woman and child will be a honorary Serbian and looking up the Serbian for 'JUST HACK THE FECKING THING CLEAR!!'

Boris And Donny Sitting In A Tree...

Boris 'Piccaninnies' Johnson assure us, with one eye on transatlantic trade deals in the dystopian post-EU wasteland he has engineered, that we must respect the office of the president of the United States and increasingly admires the orange sex-pest in Office over there.
Boris 'Watermelon Smiles' himself described the current president, in 2015, as 'unfit to lead the United States', 'clearly out of his mind', and 'stupefyingly ignorant' in a U-turns any L-Plate driver would be proud of.
That Boris would appreciate the efforts of someone who admitted sexually molesting women, banned Muslims and supported Nazis is no surprise, his record of racism and sexual predator instincts are less than spotless.
The two can have a great chat when the Orange Moron lands in the UK in July although he is being steered away from London and is to be confined to Scotland where less people can join Boris Johnson is showing just how much they also appreciate the tiny penised handed racist.

Enjoy The CO2 Free Days Pigs

Ironic really that we have too much CO2 above our heads but not enough down on the ground to keep the drinks flowing as beer and cider rationing comes into effect due to a shortage of CO2 used in carbonated drinks.
Heineken and Coca-Cola face disruption but in a great bit of news abattoir are scaling back on murdering animals because they are running out of CO2 used to stun the animals before slaughter.
Andy McGowan, owner of the Brechin abattoir said he did not know when they would get a fresh CO2 delivery from their supplier and delivered the brilliant line: 'The top priority is animal welfare - we will not have ourselves in a situation where the welfare is suffering' which would be concern for the animals he is just about to smash a bolt through it's brain before chopping it up.
If it means less animals killed then i am more than willing to miss out on a few bottles of beer so enjoy the few extra days of sunshine piggies before the big bad men get their CO2 back.

Why Does My Chicken Smell Funny?

For the second time in a week, one of President Trump's employee's has been asked to leave an eating establishment with the orange moron's press secretary, Sarah Sanders, being asked to leave the Red Hen Restaurant in Virginia after being told by the owner that: 'the restaurant has certain standards that I feel it has to uphold, such as honesty, and compassion, and co-operation' and then told her to sling her hook.
Sanders later bleated that the owner actions: 'say far more about her than about me' but if i was her i would have been happy to leave once she was recognised as the action's of the chef and waiters may not have been quite so polite.
If the stench of urine coming from their food when it arrived hadn't given them the idea that they had been recognised then the contents of several waiters noses in the gravy may have done so i say Sanders got away lightly, it's when they get noticed and the food still arrives that they want to be cautious.

Keep Calm And Carry On England

One thing us English are renown for is not getting carried away so after 8 goals in 2 games in the World Cup and qualifying for the next round with a game to spare it is a shame we are so reserved because we are absolutely, no doubt about it going to win the World Cup.
Although FIFA may as well cancel the rest of the competition and give us the trophy now we will just carry on and play the rest of the games and go through the motions because we don't want to be accused of messing up everyone else's TV schedules and imagine the hassle of having to refund everyone for the tickets already sold.
So let's keep our head out the clouds and our feet on the ground or at least until July 15th anyway when football will not only come home but will be bringing the World Cup trophy with it which will be a nice bonus for the football shirt makers who will have to now add a second star above the national badge.
Also, as Harry Kane is the captain, Tottenham fans will have the extraordinarily rare sight of a Tottenham player celebrating actually winning something so everybody wins but mostly us and definitely not the Brazilians, Germans, Spanish etc etc.

Disclaimer: As this post was written under the heavy influence of alcohol and too much sun the author claims the right to delete and deny writing it once England get knocked out by the first halfway decent team they meet.

Refugee Crisis 2018 Style

I'm sure when i was younger i remember appeals for refugees where they would ask for money to buy tents and blankets for people fleeing war zones and we would be shown miles and miles of poor buggers in tents with a couple of water taps and not a cage full of children in sight.
The life of a refugee in 2018, especially the ones fleeing warzones and poverty in an attempt to leave behind the problems caused by the richer nations of the world dropping bombs on their nations, is not a happy one.
Considering 'Made In The West' is stamped all over the slave camps in Libya and the bombs falling on Iraq, Yemen and Syria, us Europeans are decidedly reluctant to help the poor and downtrodden when they reach our borders.
America is rightly being pilloried for their inhumane treatment of refugees but just this week a boatload of them was turned away from Italy so we may not break up the families but seem perfectly fine with keeping families together and letting them take the gamble of not drowning in the Mediterranean.
The answer to any refugee crisis it seems is to not flee but stay where you are and either our humanitarian missiles or those of our allies will be along to blow up the bad guys real soon and given a fair wind and a bit of luck, we will try our best not to kill too many of you, we promise.

Melania's Coat

Donald Trump has never been big on immigrants apart from the ones he married and his latest foreign wife was always considered the less toss-potterish of the Trump clan but then she went and proved that indeed she really is a Trump by wearing a coat with the words 'I really don't care, do u?' while visiting children locked up in cages by her husband like the child-catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Of course it could just be it literally is just a coat she decided to wear that day as is the view put out by Mrs Trump's spokeswoman but that contradicts the orange one's own tweet that explained it: 'refers to the Fake News Media', probably in reference to his affair with a porn star while she was recovering at home from giving birth.
Maybe she was putting out the message that she really doesn't care that her husband is a scumbag but maybe it was a message to her husband and not caring for his policies which include incarcerating kids but by far the most popular view is that she was belittling people's concerns about what her awful husband has been doing in his quest to Make America A Laughing Stock Great Again.