Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Proof That Nicholas Cage is One Of The Undead

Nicholas Cage is reported to be the owner of the most haunted house in America where hundreds of slaves were tortured and murdered in the 19th Century and a head carrying vision roams the corridor. Scary indeed but not as frightening as some of the stinkers that Cage has appeared in during his career but he has plenty of time to make some decent films seeing as he is one of the undead. Allow me to explain.
Notice the black and white photograph of the unidentified man above? This photo was taken around the time of the American Civil War, 145 years ago, and notice any resemblance to a certain Hollywood star last seen being arrested for assaulting his wife?
Antique image dealer, Jack Mord, believes the photo is proof that Nicholas Cage is a member of the walking undead.
'Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire who reinvents himself once every 75 years or so' he explained, '150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.'
He found the photo at the back of an album of Civil War-era portraits, but his suspicion was aroused when he noticed that this was the only picture in the book that did not have a name beside it.
Conclusive proof then that Nicholas Cage, as he is calling himself these days, is one of the walking dead.
Now if only we can find proof that Jean-Claude Van Damme ISN'T one of the walking dead.


David G said...

Nicholas Cage is one of 300 million walking dead who live in America.

They are the ones who support American 'leadership' (I use the word loosely) and want to see America dominate the whole world.

It hasn't dawned on them yet, that a country with 6% of the world's population can't possibly control the world.

And they don't realize that there are countries in the world who will fight against American imperialism and who will eventually attack the American homeland (but not with box cutters).

The 300 million walking dead could end up just dead!

Cheezy said...

@David: ...(sigh)...

@Lucy: That is a remarkable similarity alright. Clearly, Nicolas Cage being one of the undead is the only explanation for this. Moreover, Cage being undead would also be the only conceivable reason for the mullet he sported in 'Con Air'. No living man would have consented to that.

David G said...

@Cheezy: ...(sob)...

Perhaps because Britain is part of America's imperial plan to dominate the world (along with France, Denmark, etc), obviously you don't care much.

Keep in mind however that the U.S. tortures, renders, keeps people in cages without trial, has assassination squads, beats up protesters, massacres millions, considers itself to be exceptional and above all others and was born to rule the world, etc.

When the U.S. runs Britain as one of its colonies, you might feel a bit uncomfortable!

Cheezy said...

It's not that I don't care about the geo-strategic landscape, David... It's more that I'm already completely familiar with your nuanced and intricate ideas about it.

There are sometimes posts on this blog where you can reel out your one 'big idea' (Americans are the baddies) for the 87th time and while it'll still be as boring as the first time you wrote it, it will at least be vaguely relevant... But a story about a Civil War era bloke who's the spit of Nicolas Cage isn't really one of them, is it David?

Does everyone ignore you at home? Is that it?

David G said...

You've always had extreme difficulty grasping the big picture, Cheezy!

Obviously, it doesn't fit too well in your small mind.


Cheezy said...

But I'm a work in progress, David, like most of us are.

I'll guess I'll give you a call when I feel my mind is ready to absorb your awesomely profound political theories.

It might be about the same time in my life that I start watching Rastamouse, wearing Depends, and drinking my dinner through a straw.

David G said...

Yes, you are a work in progress, Cheezy. Shame your progress is so slow!

Perhaps when you turn 20 you'll have a sudden spurt but I won't hold my breath. Just read your comics and stay happy!

Leave the world's problems to the adults!

Cheezy said...

'Slow?' 'Comics?' 'Adults?'...

Why I oughta...!!!


(Cheezy slinks away in shame, once more shocked into submission by the force of David's amazing intellect and razor-sharp wit)...

Yes, ignored at home. That's my bet.

Anonymous said...


I was gonna sned a supportive message... but you never need help.


Cheezy said...

Keep watching my back though, Q, cos one of these days David is going to come up with a real 'zinger'. It's the law of averages.