Naked Politics

It is a fact that elections campaigns can be boring and a woman can only take Gordon Brown lecturing us on fiscal policy for so long before our minds start wandering. Don't tell me that i am the only one who has sat staring at John Prescott and wondered what he would look like naked.
What's that? It was only me? Bugga.
Anyway, politics in Italy are a bit different to elsewhere. Firstly you don't have to wonder anymore because one of the candidates is porn star Milly D'Abbraccio and her campaign poster doesn't focus on her analytical skills or grip of political theory, it's all about her backside.
Shamelessly targeting her brown paper bag wielding fan base, the star of such classics as 'Imperial Nymphomaniac' has plastered images of her derriere all around Rome in a bid to win a seat in the city hall.
"People don't want to see these politicians' faces anymore," she said and you know what, the lady may have a point because there really are some pretty ugly cats running our world.
I can't concentrate when Kim Jong Il comes on the television and as much as i like and admire what Hugo Chavez is doing in Venezuela, the guy had had more than his fair share of falls down the ugly tree. Our own Gordon Brown has the sort of face only a mother...actually, probably not even her.
The outgoing Russian Putin and France's Nicolas Sarkozy are not too shabby but otherwise there really is not much eye candy for us girls in politics so perhaps it would be better if politicians did begin using their butts for photo opportunities.
After all, it is where most of them speak from anyway.

Marathon Man

If you read any guide to a long and healthy life, it is a fair bet that it wouldn't recommend taking up smoking just after your seventh birthday and necking pints of bitter although if 101 year old Buster Martin wrote it, it may well do.
Not only is he still working as a van cleaner but he is set to compete in this weekends London Marathon after recently completing a half marathon.
In true stubborn old person style, he is refusing to change his lifestyle in preparation for the 26 mile Marathon and is continuing to smoke which he started aged seven and will not forgo his regular trips to the pub for his pints of bitter.
As someone who gets out of puff just typing the word marathon, i wish him well and suggest that the ideal preparation to running 26 miles is to pop in the pub beforehand and sink a few of those pints. If the urge to run persists, you haven't drank enough.

Military Human Rights

A High Court Judge has ruled that sending British soldiers into battle with defective equipment could breach their human rights.

Our caring Government is appealing against the decision arguing that it is impossible to give soldiers on active service the benefits of the Human Rights Act.

Just a thought but maybe if the military was protected against warmongering heads of governments craving the natural resources of foreign countries and needlessly provoking wars against countries that are no threat to us, the military and everyone else would be a great deal safer in the first place.
Just saying.

Boycotting China

After events concerning the Olympic torch relay in London, Paris and today in San Francisco, China can be in little doubt what the World thinks of it's decision to host the Olympics this summer.
My sympathy goes to the torch carriers, nobody wants to see an innocent person in one of the greatest moments of their life terrified by protesters but the message is loud and clear, we don't approve of the IOC's choice of host after recent events.
With less than four months to go before the opening ceremony in Beijing, the previously whispered word "boycott" is being mentioned more confidently.
The Europeans are contemplating sending their athletes but keeping their heads of Government at home on the opening night formalities but some people are calling for a complete boycott to drive home the message.
As numerous other Olympic boycotts have previously shown, they achieve nothing except penalising the athletes. If a nation's leadership is prepared to cut short the highlight of an athletes career, then they had better be prepared to take a long hard look at their economic relations with China afterwards and take other measures that indicate their stand is not just political posturing and they really are concerned with human rights in that part of the World.
With China poised to become the global power, it is proving a real headache for some Premiers who will go all out not to upset the Chinese and would rather not have to deal with such potentially thorny issues and the UK has the added tricky situation of hosting the next Olympic games and know that any action by Britain will be greeted by likewise retaliation in 2012.
The best people to pull a boycott would be the likes of Olympic sponsors Coca Cola, Kodak, Adidas and McDonald's but we all know how likely that is so the next best option is to keep the leaders away from the opening and closing nights, don't stop the athletes doing their stuff and keep the politics in the political arena, not in the sporting one.

Could You Repeat That Address Please?

The people of Lunt in Merseyside have had enough of outsiders making use of black tape on their town signs and are seeking to change its name to Launt.
"We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by yobs. Drive in every day and you see a very offensive word" snorted a local but the Lunts should count themselves lucky because there are some worse named places to live.
I imagine the people of Shag Harbour in Newfoundland and Knob Lick in Kentucky get there fair share of sniggers when they have to give their address and it can't be much fun admitting you are a Big Knobber like the citizens of Big Knob in Kentucky.
Then there are the villagers of Sugartit also in Kentucky, Bastard in Ontario, Pratts Bottom in England and it is not hard to imagine that the movers and shakers keep it quiet about being big in Poopoo, Hawaii.
It is unlikely that the people of Oregon say they fancy a day out to Poop Creek or to Climax in Saskatchewan and the mind boggles how Dildo in Newfoundland got its name. You could always move to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales or just swallow your pride and accept your lot. It can't be that bad and you never hear the people from Fucking in Austria complain.

Pay Packet Musings

Those Socialists types have an ideal where everyone, regardless of position, is paid the same. Whether you are the cleaner or the Chief Executive, your pay packet would weigh no different in your back pocket.
Depending what side of the fence you sit upon, it is either crazy or a great idea and something that cropped up in a Q & A session with an industry bod today.
"Would you do a stressful managers job if you could get paid the same for mopping the toilets? What sort of brain-dead idiot would do that?" he sneered to one of my more politically astute students after an exchange of views over the minimum wage had edged that way.
"Yes because i would put personal ambition above money" she answered before adding mischievously, "I am guessing by your answer that your personal ambition would have you sweeping out toilets then." Que the mocking cheers and a bod sipping his water and trying and failing to find a snappy comeback.
So would everyone getting paid the same work in reality?
The most obvious allure would be that people would be attracted to the job rather than the salary so you would get workers who actually want to be in those positions rather than someone who couldn't care less but want the money. How many times have we heard people moan about there job but end it with "but the moneys good".
Another plus would be an end to the equality of someone on minimum wage working all the hours just to further line the pockets of someone else who already earns many times more.
The third obvious advantage would be those who don't want to, or are unable to, pull their weight, do the 'easier' jobs such as cleaning the toilets. Doesn't matter to the rest of us because someone will be toilet cleaning and if someone is happy to do it it takes us back to the first attraction.
Would make for a happier work force certainly and solve a few of the other equality problems Capitalism brings with it and increase employment which would increase tax revenues for the country which in turn would...hang about, i think we could be onto something here.

Before Mugabe

Of course watching any leader as corrupt as Robert Mugabe get his backside kicked out of office is to be celebrated but Zimbabwe's problems did not start with the man and they will not end with him shuffling off of centre stage.
As is usual, Britain and its brutal and bloody history of empire building laid the foundations for everything that enveloped the country years later.
Look back to the late 19th Century and there is the British taking control of Zimbabwe by force, renaming it Rhodesia and flooding it with white settlers in the expectation of finding gold there and incorporated into the British Empire.
Rebellions against the white settlers were ruthlessly crushed by the British
and on discovering that the gold wasn't as abundant as first thought, instead took all the best farmland, which ended with the settlers owning 70% of the country.
Seventy years later and as colonial rule was ending throughout the continent,
the white-minority Rhodesia government declared Independence from the United Kingdom.
As violent opposition grew against the ruling whites, they opened negotiations with the leader of their most dangerous opposition, Robert Mugabe of the Zimbabwe African People's Union (ZAPU) for elections.
Rebel leader Robert Mugabe and his Zanu-PF party won a landslide victory that ended the minority rule in Zimbabwe’s first free elections in 1980.
That's where everyone else seems to join the party with the removal of White farmers, corrupt elections and inflation at 1,500.00 % but as usual in most of today's trouble spots, us Brits historically played our shameful part although we don't tend to mention it much for some reason. Can't think why. Maybe it is just far more easier to blame everything on someone else and keep quiet about the part we played.

Cigarettes & Coffee & Chocolate

Every year my new year resolutions are to cut back on smoking, drinking coffee and eating chocolate or rather i should say my old new year resolutions because a new study by a US team for the Journal of Neuroinflammation have found that coffee could play an important part in preventing neurological disorders such as dementia and Alzheimer's.
That's a third of my guilt banished so as i pour myself another mug of Nescafe, let's see what we can do about the other two.
Eating dark chocolate could help control diabetes and blood pressure, Italian experts say. Wahey. Researchers found eating dark chocolate each day for 15 days lowered blood pressure.
Ok, this is going to be a toughie but any benefits from smoking doctor?
According to a report in the journal of Psychopharmacology, nicotine absorbed from cigarette smoke shortens reaction time and improves short term memory in a wide variety of cognitive tasks.
There we go, i am not just drinking coffee, eating chocolate and smoking from now on but actively improving my short term memory, reducing my blood pressure and taking preventive action against neurological disorders.
Ok, so i am also spotty, wheezy and twitch constantly but it is a cross i must bear for my new health regime.

Haven't You Faded Away Yet?

As i turned 39 over the last few days my mind has turned to the CD collection in my car and wondering if i should be changing the punk influenced guitar bands that dominate and settle into a more easy listening sound that more reflects my age.
Then i contemplate the horror of a car journey listening to the Rolling Stones and realise that i'm 39, not in a coma.
Why am i picking on the great grandads of pop you may ask, because i have never seen the attraction i would answer before mumbling under my breath what a damn cheek you have for questioning me.
The Stones have a film out apparently so the wrinkly ones have been clogging up our TV screens to promote the damn thing.
Formed in 1962, they have been hanging about for 46 years and have released 22 studio albums, eight concert albums and have had 32 singles in the top 10 but i would struggle to name a handful that i could actually admit to liking.
Sympathy for the Devil, I Can't get no Satisfaction, Brown Sugar and It's Only Rock N Roll i like but that's a pretty bad return for over four decades worth of material.
Maybe its me and i am guilty of being ignorant of the musical talents of the band or maybe they have just been around for so long that nobody wants to point out that actually, they suck and have sucked for a long time.
The band have had 8 UK number ones and all of them were in the 60s so i take it upon myself to stand up and say to Jagger et al, "Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud, Cd Player and Cinema Screen."
Who's with me??

Can We Fix It? Err...Nope

The British lag behind the World at many things but without doubt when it comes to building things on time, on budget and fully functioning, we really do have a record more stony than a biblical execution.
The latest feat of engineering to have us shaking our heads and asking for our
money back is the shiny new Terminal 5 at Heathrow airport.
Costing £4.6b and boasting that it's luggage handling system could move our bags through the terminal faster than you could move yourself through it, it inevitably creaked, wheezed and gave up the ghost on its opening morning resulting in the cancellation of hundreds of flights. At the time of writing the luggage system is working at a reduced rate and still 50 flights a day are being cancelled.
What is really surprising about the Heathrow delays is that anybody is surprised because we are notoriously rubbish at grand scale construction projects.
Jon Bon Jovi was forced to cancel wearing nut crushingly tight trousers at
Wembley Stadium after it rolled up 2 years late and almost £650m more than the £185m originally planned which was still quicker than the British Library which was ten years late and costing £511 million, as opposed to the £32 million predicted.
Alternatively, consider the Scottish Assembly building in Edinburgh, which, when it finally opened, three years off schedule, had cost £431 million, a tenfold increase on the original budget.
Our nadir was the turn of century when we foolishly set about building some great structures which resulted in my two favourite construction debacles.
The project planning for the Millennium Tower in Portsmouth began in 1995 with an opening date of 1999 and was finally unveiled in 2005 and hastily renamed the Spinnaker Tower while the Millennium Bridge in London is a magnificent feat of embarrassment. It had to be closed thirty minutes after it opened because it swayed dangerously when people walked on it because the designers had not adequately wondered about what would happen if people ever walked on it.
I just hope the world isn't expecting to see an Olympics in 2012 because as we are hosting it, we can expect the stadiums to be ready around 2020 if you don't mind waiting.