Words Fail Me...And Him

It it said that Obama is going to face much protest against his plans to make pals with the Cuban Government. 
Protesters like this chap on the right who proudly holds up a six word protest banner for the media with a third of them spelled incorrectly.
If i was Obama I wouldn't be to worried about the level of the people arguing against him if this is typical of the protest movement, by the time they get help putting their shoes on the right feet it will all be over. 
  

USA Making Friends With Cuba

Hard to argue that Obama's presidency has been anything other than a complete disappointment on all fronts and so desperate to have any sort of accomplishment he would be remembered for Obama announces the US and Cuba are to normalise diplomatic relations and end decades of hostility.
Obama explained that: 'We fully expect we will continue to have strong differences, particularly on human rights' and it is true that American Human Rights abuses are many but i expect the Cubans will be more willing to overlook the abuses if the Americans close the torture chamber in Guantanamo Bay.
The smart money is less on Obama doing this out of the kindness of his heart but to undermine Russian and Cuban ties but for whatever reason is behind it, the Cubans should be wary of the about turn as we have recently learned with the revelations of spying and stirring up revolutions in other countries.
Maybe, being charitable, this is less about sinister motives and more about America making friends and we can look forward to Obama spending the last two years of his presidency actually earning that Peace Award he won, next step cutting off the funding to Israel!!

The Aspirin Made Me Do It

Pharmaceutical companies must be hurriedly rewriting the pamphlet on their medicines to read: 'may cause drowsiness, racism and homophobia after UKIP candidate blamed his description of gay people as 'fucking disgusting old poofters' and the Chinese as 'chinkies, the fault of the prescription drugs he had been taking at the time.
Be warned when the flu season hits the UK because hit the Lemsips too hard and you can also become a steaming great bigoted twat also and then its a short leap to becoming a UKIP member. 
Might be best to reduce the amount of paracetamols you take each day just to be safe and and remain non-racist and un-homophobic.

Holy Leaked Emails

After a successon of leaked emails, the newest email leaked as a result of the hacking attack on Heaven shows the chain of events which led to the Christmas Celebration.

From: God@Heaven.com
To: AngelGabriel@Heaven.com
Hi Gabe - Got a problem with my new wi-fi connection, no reception here. Can you email VirginMary@Nazareth.com for me and let her know she will soon be pregnant with my kid. Thanks.
PS. Can't decide between Jesus or Colin for kids name so you decide.
--
From: AngelGabriel@Heaven
To: VirginMary@Nazareth.com
Hi Mary. Good news, you have been chosen to be the recipient of God's immaculate seed and bear the saviour of the World. Short notice i know, soz. PS. His name is Jesus. Any probs let me know.
--
From: VirginMary@Nazareth.com
To: CarpenterJoseph@hotmail.com
Hi babe. You will never guess what happened today. I'm preggers by God LOL!!! Will explain when you get home. xx
--
From: CarpenterJoe@hotmail.com
To: VirginMary@Nazareth.com
WTF!! and How TF? You're a virgin!!
--
From: AngelGabriel@Heaven.com
To: CarpenterJoseph@hotmail.com
Hi Joseph. I see Mary told you about the baby. Sorry if it ruined your plans but God does things in mysterious ways so they say LMAO. Seriously, d/w. 
--
From: CeasarAugustus@Rome.com
To: CarpenterJoseph@hotmail.com
cc: VirginMary@Nazareth.com
Please head to your hometown of Bethelehem for the census. Register names of first borns on arrival and receive a free toga.
--
From: CarpenterJoeseph@hotmail.com
To: DonkeyRentals@Vehiclehire.com
Hi, can i please hire a donkey from December 20 to December 31.
--
From: CarpenterJoseph@hotmail.com
To: SunnySideInn@Bethelehem.com
Hi, can i please book a room for 2 adults from Dec 20 to Dec 31 and a place for a donkey.
--
From: SunnySideInn@Bethelehem.com
To: CarpenterJoseph@hotmail.com
Hi Joseph. Sorry but fully booked those dates. I do  have a stable you can rent for those dates at cheap rates.
--
From: Wisemen03@magi.com
To: VirginMary@Nazareth.com
Hi Mary, congratulation on the imminent birth of the Lords child. Can you forward address as we would like to visit.
--
From: Melchior74BC@magi.com
To: Belthazar@magi.com; Gaspar@magi.com
Hi guys. Any ideas for baby gifts? Camel has been stolen so looks like im traveling on foot unless one of you can give me a lift.
--
From: Belthazar@magi.com
To: Melchior74BC@magi.com   
Not much notice and it's early closing today so all i could get was some Frankincense. Gaspar says he has some Myrrh he got last birthday he won't ever use so he will give it that. Gold is always handy so grab some of that. My Camel is a two seater so pick you up about 8-ish.
--
From: VirginMary@Nazareth.com
To: Wisemen@magi.com
Hi, all are welcome. We are in the stable behind the SunnySideInn, Bethlehem. Excuse the mess, its a bit of a pigsty. Literally ROFLMFAO
--
From:VirginMary@Nazareth.com
To: AngelGabriel@Heaven.com; God@Heaven.com
Hi, Baby born all healthy. Called him Jesus as instructed. Joseph bit confused over what is going to happen on Father's Days but excited about showing him how to use a hammer and nails. Have to go, a sheep is nibbling at Jesus's blankets. Will email later re: Maintenance payments and if you have any ideas what to do with 2lbs of Myyrh, they will be gratefully received.

Sexy New Weather Language

Being British we do obsess about the weather and the weather forecasts are watched religiously so everyone would have noticed how the MET Office has been sneaking in some new terms such as Weather Bomb, Pineapple Express, Continental Blowtorch and Explosive Cyclogenesis.
Once upon a time the weather forecaster would appear on screen, slap a few magnetic symbols on a map and vaguely explain in 30 seconds how it would be sunny in the south and rainy in the north and then we got computer graphics with the countries city names and everyone was desperate to get their city or town on the weather map. 
Now the graphics has got sexy with swooshing through rain clouds as the camera zooms up and down the country, the forecasters have caught up with sexy new names for weather systems.
Where previously we had warm air moving up from the continent, we now have a continental blowtorch and a deepening area of low pressure heading our way has become the much more excitingly named Weather bomb or explosive cyclogenesis which is the same thing.
I love the new terms but a pineapple express storm doesn't sound particularly sexy or exciting, just makes it sound like a cocktail.
I would go with an accelerated detonative tempest or a screaming shatterstorm but then i would also make Alex on Good Morning Britain do the forecast in nothing but budgie smugglers so might be better not to ask me.

Geminid Meteor Shower Tonight

The Geminid's is the Northern Hemisphere's most spectacular meteor shower but because it happens in the depths of winter, it is not as well viewed as the Perseid's in the much more clement August.
For the past two years we have driven out to the dark South Downs, sat in a field and watched a heap of clouds obscure the view but tonight the Society for Popular Astronomy have said that conditions will be as good as they get and with a waning moon it should be a spectacular for the climax of the meteor shower.
The MET Office are not quite so confident and forecast mist and cloud for this part of the woods until 2am and a temperature of 0c so it might be another evening of cloud watching in freezing conditions.
The best time to view them is from 10pm to 2am with as many as 100 of the multi-coloured meteors an hour shooting across the sky so it's grab a flask of coffee, a blanket and reserve your place in the NHS for hypothermia treatment tomorrow morning and enjoy the Solar System at its amazing best and remember it's only a meteorite if it lands, it's a meteor otherwise.

Little Donkey On The Dusty Road Today

As religion is such a divisive idea, it is no surprise that the place where Christianity began is torn apart with religious differences.
So much so that the 90 mile trek from Nazareth to Bethlehem that Mary, Joseph and a donkey purportedly made on a dusty road 2000 years ago is a much more arduous trek today in 2014.
The Bible is unhelpful about the exact route so let's take our pregnant mother, husband and mode of transport the direct route today from Nazareth and the donkey has a relatively straightforward plod until it reaches the first of numerous Israeli military checkpoints, this one at Jalame where the 12 foot high wall separates the occupied West Bank from Israel.
Once the permits have been checked by the heavily armed soldiers, the trio would pass along lookout towers, razor wire and gun turrets until they come to Jenin which is the stronghold of Islamist militant groups who are regular recipients of Israeli military incursions.
Once through Jenin, it's more permit checks at another four Israeli checkpoints and roadblocks, then it's onto the Palestinian city of Nablus which is surrounded on 3 sides by refugee camps.
Israel soldiers control the entrance and exit from the city and then it's onto route 433 but being Jews, Mary, Joseph and the plodding donkey would have no problem using this 12 mile stretch of road through the West Bank as it is only open to Palestinians for a few hours a day and they would not have any problems at any of the 256 temporary checkpoints dotted along the route.
We get off the tarmac at Ramallah and through another set of Israeli military checkpoints which control who comes in and who goes out of the City.
Heading south again, Jerusalem appears in the distance and entry and exit to the city is made through 4 military checkpoints before finally, after negotiating the way through the refugee camps of Aida and Azza, we reach the city of Bethlehem flanked by 30ft high concrete walls and military roadblocks and yet more checkpoints.
On verification of their papers, the donkey can finally have a rest and Mary and Joseph can find a nice stable with a decent sized manger and hope that the 3 wise men have all the right permits and make it through unscathed.

The Real Scrooge

A Christmas Carol's central character, Scrooge, has to be the most famous fictional characters in history with everyone from the Muppets to Blackadder reworking their own version of Charles Dickens miser whose visits from spirits force him to change his ways.   
Although Dickens was famous for using his own and experiences in his stories, many don't know that when Dickens wrote Scrooge, he based him on a famously miserly politician of his time, John Elwes.
Despite being fabulously wealthy by inheriting a fortune, Elwes hated spending money and would go to bed at sundown to avoid having to pay for candles, he bought no new clothes and was seen so often in filthy rags, would buy cheaper spoiled meat, would walk everywhere rather than hail a cab and would stay in whichever of the properties he rented did not have a tenant at the time.
Elwes lived to the age of 75, but the doctor who attended his deathbed said he would have lived at least another 20 years if he had spent some of his money on taking care of himself.
The name of Scrooge was inspired by an inscription Dickens found on a tombstone of Ebeneezer Scroggie while he was writing the story.

Blackberry Classic Q20

My Blackberry Curve is finally on it's last legs and i have been been mulling over whether to go for the Q10 or wait for the latest incarnation, the Blackberry Classic Q20, to arrive in the shops and after a few delays it is finally set to be launched December 17th priced at what Blackberry called a competitive price aimed at drawing people back to the failing company.
What i call a competitive price and what the Canadian firm call it are obviously widely different as the handset is on the Blackberry site to pre-order at £349.
There is no way on earth that i would pay that much for something that spends the day being bounced around in my bag or sat on in my back pocket. The Curve was flaky enough with the many scroll button replacements it undertook and the gradual erosion of the rubber buttons down the side after 3 years of wear and tear.
It was only my preference for the physical keyboard that i decided to hang around with the Blackberry but they have lost me with that pricing.
With a lack of physical keyboards on mobiles elsewhere, the decision is to go for the older Q10 for approx £150 or break the obsession and make my peace with the on-screen keypad and go elsewhere.
Tough choice but as i know it will be dropped on a few occasions, have coffee spilled over it once or twice and be generally thrown around alongside the rest of the stuff in my bag, it won't be a £349 Blackberry Classic.

Santa's Worlds Richest man

It can't be cheap running the Father Christmas operation what with all those sweets and toys he has to produce every year.
There is also the cost of reindeer food, the maintenance of the sleigh and those elves in the workshop don't work for free and being Santa doesn't generate any income.
I have always assumed he claims business miles from the tax office but Forbes have counted up his net worth and make him the richest fictional character with a wealth of infinity. 
Scrooge McDuck is a pauper compared to the jolly fat man from the North Pole although nobody is quite sure how he accumulated such wealth when his outgoings far exceed his incomings although the North Pole is a notorious tax haven but it explains why Santa's so jolly.