Special Guest Blogger: Egyptian God Set

You can call me Setekh, Setesh, Seth, Seti, Sutekh or just the God of Chaos but i was also in charge of  War, storms and deserts so i was a pretty busy boy creating mayhem back in the day.
I was a bit of a mix and match, with my donkey ears, scorpion tail and the head of an Aardvark but i sometimes appeared as a hippo with the jaws and tail of a crocodile just to mix things up a bit.
I did like to toy with my googy goody brother Osiris, messing up his peaceful farms but i did lose it one day after he kicked me so i killed him, chopped his body up into 42 pieces and scattered the remains far and wide because his wife Isis would not be best pleased i killed her husband and when she did find out she put his bits and pieces back together because that's a thing she could do.
She never found his penis though, that had got eaten by fish in the river,  and had to make him a new one and with his new dong they created a son called Horus and he came looking for me seeking vengeance and the ensuing battle lasted eighty years.
Not one to fight fair, I tore out one of Horus’s eyes and aimed for the testicles and hilariously at one point Isis attempts to harpoon me but hit Horus instead, who then cuts off his head in a fit of rage. Weirdly when he got put back together he went with a cows head.
The other Gods were cheering for Horus and the big God Ra demanded we make peace and if you are having lettuce in your sandwich you may want to put it down before we get to the next part.
Not one to defy the all powerful, i agreed but my plan was to invite Horus to stay for the weekend, but on the first night I crept out of bed and attempted to sexually assault him but he awoke just in time and managed to catch my discharge in his hand, whereupon he fled home to his mother who obviously chopped off his hand and made him a new one and then got Horus to masturbate into a jar and sprinkled the contents over my Lettuce Patch.
She knew i started each day with a breakfast of frsh lettuce leaves and i swallowed all the 'dew fresh' ones...we don't need to go into the details of the resulting pregnancy but one word of advice is wash lettuces very carefully before eating.