Feliz Navidad - It Dies Today

Of all the Christmas songs which have been recorded, only the best can make it into The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of  Musicians and at number 11 we have Feliz Navidad by It Dies Today.

Quite a few people have had a go at this song including Boney M, Michael Buble and even Dora the Explorer but if ever there was a song just begging to be played on an electric Guitar with the Gain ramped up to max it's this song.
I don't know much about the group 'It Dies Today' apart from they were a short lived American metal band who were asked to belt out a Christmas song for the Punk Rock Christmas Album 'A Santa Cause' and chose a song which is the Spanish Christmas New Year greeting sung 50% in Spanish, sped it up and created a song with a riff so thick and dirty it merits a cold shower after listening to it.    
Maybe the band name means the thing that dies today will be your speakers because this is the sort of song that if they are not creaking and distorting during the 3 minutes of this song then you are not playing it loud enough .

Merry Christmas From The Law Makers

Here's a very festive picture of US Congressman, Thomas Massie, with his family armed with semi-automatic weapons. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside at the time of peace on earth and goodwill to all men as they gather around the Christmas tree, grinning inanely and holding weapons of death.
His tweet includes the line: 'Merry Christmas! ps. Santa, please bring ammo' so we had better hope that Santa has enough room in his bag because that is a lot of guns to provide for.
It comes only days after yet another school shooting in America and to those of us outside of America, we may believe that it is down to easy access to firearms and bat-shit crazy gun laws but that's incorrect if you ask any bunch of gun toting second-amenders.
If being able to buy a gun at supermarkets along with your breakfast cereal and potatoes isn't the cause then i'm confused why America has these things happening with such frequency.
It can't be a lack of thoughts and prayers because they get mentioned after every massacre and must come as soothing to the families of dead children as they bury them and it can't be because a debate has been worked over because no debate is ever needed, what with it always being too soon for a debate on dangerously inadequate gun laws.
I guess it will come down to the Congressmen, the people who make the laws, to decide whether the woefully lax gun laws which allows easy access to weapons need to be tightened up to try and prevent more deaths or to continue with the status quo which sees 40,000 gun deaths a year.
Anyway, that's for another time, it's Christmas-time so let's just enjoy the lovely family picture of Congressman Massie and his family not letting the death of three teenagers killed by a 15-year-old who shot and killed them with an early Christmas present from his parents ruin their own Christmas.
It's what the baby Jesus would want after-all.

You Think Coal Is A Bad Present?

So what if you have been bad this past year? In most places the worst fate a naughty child can expect on Christmas is a lump of coal in your stocking but children in other countries, however, can expect worse.
Naughty kids in Austria, Slovenia, Croatia and northern Italy can expect a visit from Krampus, a demonic half-goat monster who drags chains behind him as he walks, whipping bad children and if they have been really bad, kidnapping them which sounds bad but then Austrian children also have Frau Perchta to contend with, and she slits the bellies of bad children and stuffs their corpses with straw.
In Wales, a knock on the door could be Mari Lwyd, a creature with a horse’s skull while Icelandic children should plug up any cat flaps in their door to stop the giant ogre Gryla's Yule Cat from entering as he is searching for naughty children for his master to feast upon, cooking them in a vat of stew.
Hans Trapp is a man dressed as a scarecrow and has a taste for human flesh as he roams France at Christmas looking for young, tasty children but at least there is only one of him, Greek, Bulgarian and Turkish children have to avoid a horde of Goblins called The Kallikantzari who spend most of the year underground, trying to bring about the apocalypse but come out along with the tinsel and baubles to stick their tusks into naughty children.
Père Fouettard was a butcher who kidnapped, robbed and killed children and then carved up their bodies and hid them in barrels and follows St Nick around in France, Belgium and Switzerland, dealing with the problem children the way he knows best, and he has a large supply of barrels.
So some kids will get coal and others will be eaten by monsters and witches but other than that, it's the same thing, only with disembowelment.

Christmas Day (I wish I Was Surfing) - Emmy The Great and Tim Wheeler

Of all the Christmas songs which have been recorded, only the best can make it into The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of Musicians and at number 12 we have Christmas Day (I wish i was surfing) by Emmy The Great and Tim Wheeler.

This always sounds very Beach Boy's but that could be the Surfing lyrics which isn't very Christmassy i agree and it is about hating the cold with the singer wishing he was somewhere warm and where the sun is shining which is fair enough because Wheeler, once of Ash fame, hails from Northern Ireland which is somewhere that the Sun only puts in a fleeting appearance for a couple of days each August.
Emmy the Great is Chinese/English and they were a couple when they put this out from their 'This is Christmas Album' which came about when they were snowed in one Christmas and includes Jesus the Reindeer and Don't call me Mrs Christmas.
My favourite song from a very good Festive album and it has a very 90's feel to it with a pop-punk edge and it's a very catchy, up tempo song with not a snowman or a jingle bell to be heard.

Get The Beer's In Aussies

In another poll where the answer is 'well duh..obviously', Australia has been voted the drunkest country in the world.
The Global Drug Survey 2021 asked people in 22 nations about their alcohol consumption and found that Australians got drunk 27 times a year, double the global average of 14 times with Denmark and Finland tied in second place reporting getting drunk 23 times a year.
I assume they only got as far as 22 countries because once they got to Australia they called it, a bit like looking for the least drunk nation and starting with Saudi Arabia.
To be fair our Aussie cousins only being drunk 27 times a year, or as the report subtly puts it: 'where physical and mental faculties were impaired to the point that balance, focus, and speech were affected' is lower than i expected, after all there are 365 days in a year so maybe they held the poll in the early morning and found some still sober enough to make a coherent reply, or at least mumble one, before the breakfast beer kicked in.
At least the barbie and boomerang gang had the excuse of consuming several times their own weight in alcohol to impair their mental faculties, we have seen enough Donald Trump supporters to judge who has impaired mental faculties and the majority of those guys are teetotal.  
So enjoy your crown as the Worlds biggest drunks Australia, try not to get eaten by a wallaby and wear your hat with corks with pride.

Party On Say's Boris

Hours after a Government scientists told people to be careful over the Christmas with the Chief Executive of the UK Health Security Agency, Jenny Harris, even deciding that she isn't going to just thoughtlessly blurt out whatever nonsense the Government ask her to and said that we should decrease our social contacts a little bit to help keep the new variant at bay, Boris comes out and poo-poos all her advice.
Boris, in his style of cheering that everything is going to turn out for the best right up until the time it invariably doesn’t, say's that there is no need to cancel Christmas parties although the bit he left out was 'like last year', well not for them anyway because while he cancelled Christmas for everyone else, his parties still went ahead in full swing.  
Now to us pheasants, a booze up with a couple of dozen people in one room with food and games is a party but not to Boris who is trying to persuade everyone that it wasn't a party but 'a gathering of work colleagues' and no Government guidelines were breached in the December 18th meeting which would hold more water if two days before, on the 16th, he hadn't announced London entering a Tier 3 lock-down, meaning people were not allowed to mix indoors with anyone outside their household or support bubble.
Just to avoid any confusion, the guidance specifically stated: "You must not have a work Christmas lunch or party, where that is a primarily social activity and is not otherwise permitted by the rules in your tier'.
As people were fied up to £10,000 for holding parties during lock-down last year, the Police are sure to be taking an interest but the Tories are pursuing their fatal agenda of economy first, people who keep the economy going, second and moving on to this Christmas and saying that they will be holding Festive Parties and everyone should 'Keep Calm and Carry on with whatever they planned.
I’m not sure how we'd cope if a load of Tories caught Covid which kept them out of work for an extended period of time but i suppose we would just have to keep calm and carry on i guess.

Special Guest Blogger: St. Francis Xavier

It tough being a Saint and having your Feast Day in December because nobody really cares, all eyes are on the big day towards the end of the month but my story is great so put that mince pie to one side and read about how Francis Xavier changed the World, or the Asian bit of it anyway.
I wasn't really content with the Christian religions we had at the time, they just never seemed proactive enough in recruiting new soul's so six of us drew up a formula for a new religious order, the Society of Jesus, aka the Jesuits, with the idea of going out into the World and spreading the word of our God and his son and the Pope gave his blessing and told us to go ahead, so we did.
After a pilgrimage to Jerusalem was thwarted by war, me and my companions went to Rome instead and accepted a request that we bring Christianity to the Portuguese-run colonies overseas.
I wasn't too thrilled at being sent off to minister to the people of Asia, over here in Europe the world was a simpler place, everyone just took our word for things but on my 35th Birthday, straight after the cake and candles bit, i boarded a boat and headed to Japan where Shimazu Takahisa, the Daimyo of Satsuma, gave us a friendly reception and due to the language barrier i took along a painting of the Madonna and the Madonna and Child to help teach the Japanese about Christianity.
Unfortunately, the Japanese people were not easily converted. Seriously, have you ever tried converting somebody? It's way harder than it looks. Most of them completely refuse to stand still and let you change their minds on who created them. Totally unreasonable and anyway many of the people were already Buddhist or Shinto and they refused to believe that a God who had created everything, including evil, could be good. They also refused to believe in Hell, that really got numerous panties quite tightly knotted, it bothered them that their ancestors may be living in Hell.
I wasn't making much headway when the previously friendly Daiymo changed his mind and forbade the conversion of his subjects to Christianity under penalty of death so i packed up my paintings and went to China instead because damn it, i came all this way to convert somebody or that was the plan but as i was waiting for the boat i caught a fever and died, falling into a consignment of fruit destined for Europe.
What i am mostly known for though is the many miracles attributed to me, such as healing, raising the dead, creating and replenishing water supplies, stopping storms, casting out demons and evil spirits, returning sight to the blind, telling prophecies, and my personal favourite of a crab bringing back my crucifix that i carelessly dropped into the sea.
Despite devoting my life to God however, God wasn't such a huge fan of me and i assume i died as divine punishment for the crucifix on a crab thing but while i did not get to see how far my ideas spread, i certainly left an impression, unfortunatey it was on a dozen boxes of apples in a Japanese dockyard.

Happy Christmas or Merry Christmas?

As strange as it sounds, i don't associate the 'Christ' part with Christmas at all, it's just the name of the bit of the season when Santa shows up and the presents are handed out and i have never been wished, or been wished, Happy Holidays, that makes me think of someone going off on their summer holidays, and the only time i have seen 'Season's Greetings' is on a Christmas Card so i go for either Happy Christmas or Merry Christmas.  
I don't give a second thought to whether a person celebrates it or not, i wish them a Happy/Merry Christmas anyway and leave it up to them to either accept it or ignore it as they wish but i did ask a lexicographer a while ago which is correct, Merry or Happy Christmas?
Apparently, the old saying of 'Merry Christmas' dates back to the Middle Ages and means to enjoy the alcohol, food and general revelry which comes with Christmas while 'Happy Christmas' means enjoy the decorations, twinkling lights and genial atmosphere which comes with the season.
Makes sense i guess as 'Happy' is a word that describes an emotional condition, the state of 'being happy' while 'Merry' is more of a behavior descriptor as in the act of merry-making.
Something i have never noticed until it was pointed out is that when the Queen does her thing on Christmas Day, she always wishes all her subjects a 'Happy Christmas' and never a Merry one because of the connotations of 'merry' which is associated with the excess and rowdiness of Christmas.
I guess what it boils down to is if the person you are about to say it to is the sort who will neck a dozen bottles of WKD Blue, eat their own weight in mince pies and fall asleep face down in their Christmas Pudding then it's Merry Christmas otherwise it's safer to go with the Queen and say Happy Christmas.
Either way, regardless of what you say, the sentiment is to have an enjoyable time over the Christmas period and you hope they have a good time however they spend it except when you say it to right-wing politicians, we all hope they have a rotten Christmas.

Lucy Museum of Musician's Top Christmas Songs

Not sure how i missed it before but the Lucy Museum of Musician's who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum is suspiciously devoid of Christmas songs and i do love a Christmas song which is handy because it's the Christmas season, which means Christmas music. Lots and lots of Christmas music, most of which we have all heard a bazillion times before.
Now while "Driving Home For Christmas' by Chris Rea and Mud's 'Lonely This Christmas' are great, and resilient, it does get a bit samey so i am always on the look-out for new Christmas songs or even the old classics overhauled and i have a decent collection and i am putting forward my top 20.

In the time honoured Top of the Pops tradition, the run down from 20 to 13 is:  

20 Little Silent Boy - The Boo.
This is the family of Billy Joe Armstrong who decided to make a musical family Christmas card in 2011 and as nothing has been heard from The Boo since i guess it was a one off but it is an amazing 2:02 minutes punking up of some plodding old Christmas songs.   
This song gets the full guitar treatment and Mrs Armstrong has a nice, slightly raspy voice and Billy sings the Little Drummer Boy bits between so making a musical EP card is a nice touch but my family shouldn't expect anything like this, they will have to make do with getting Christmas Cards with Robins and Snowmen on them.   

19 Let it Snow - Twisted Sister.
Their Twisted Christmas Album features classic Christmas songs performed in metal versions but in a brilliant and imaginative twist they managed to incorporate classic metal tunes into the songs and this one has the riff from Black Sabbath's 'Children of the Grave' while Daniel "Dee" Snider sings about the weather being frightful and the fire being delightful. Dean Martin really missed trick because this version knocks his version into a cocked Christmas hat.

18 Xmas Time of the year - Green Day.
As a Green Day fan from the very start i was as happy as a snowman in a blizzard when this gem turned up in 2015.
It's a run of the mill Green Day mellow type song so if you like the Green Day sound this will be right up your alley, if you don't then don't worry because i have never heard it on the radio so you can just miss this one out.

17 Run Rudolph Run - LA Guns.
I do like a Chuck Berry song at the best of times because they are up mostly up tempo, guitar twanging affairs even if they do not vary very much and this 1958 effort was written by the same guy who wrote 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'
The song is pure Berry, he even used the exact same tune on 'Little Queenie' a year later but if anything the LA Guns took the Berry Christmas song and made it even moreso.
The LA Guns do have a strange history, named by the guitarist Tracii Guns, they broke up and combined their band with another group called Hollywood Rose named after their lead singer Axel Rose to make Guns N' Roses. Guns fell out with Axel and was replaced by Slash and they went on to become the biggest and best rock band ever while Guns got together a new LA Guns, this time with members of the defunct Mötley Crüe.

16 Whats This? - Danny Elfman
TV Schedulers do have a problem with the animated movie, 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Is it a Halloween or Christmas film? There are many great songs in this film courtesy of Danny Elfman but this is my favourite with Jack Skellington arriving in Christmas Town and discovering that 'There are children throwing snowballs here, Instead of throwing heads, They're busy building toys, And absolutely no one's dead' and nothing says the Festive of Good Cheer more than not getting hit by the dismembered head of a neighbour when you are walking down the street.
Jolly, upbeat and with a full orchestra, a real joy.
 
15 Merry Christmas Everyone - Shakin' Stevens
Mr Stevens began out as an Elvis impersonator and he would turn up on Top of the Pops in the early 80's in double denim and do the shaky leg thing and belt out 50's songs and he would be a question in a pub quiz if it wasn't for this 1985 Christmas classic. Wearing a jumper which even Elton John would describe as too much, it hits every Christmas button with snow, elves, Santa, sleigh rides, snowmen and makes a reappearance every December in the UK Charts Shakin' topping up his pension and making sure he is kept in Denim jackets.
 
14 Ho Ho Ho - Sia 
I have had Sia's brilliant 'Everyday Is Christmas' CD on repeat ever since it surfaced in 2017 and she will put in more appearances in my top 20 list but this one is a great song about the Misfit Toys from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on the Island getting drunk on Rum and Whisky Bourbon because well, why not.
Being Australian, growing up a Sia Christmas must have involved Christmas Dinner on the beach and singing Carols in 35C heat so kudo's to her for entering into the spirit of a Northern Hemisphere Christmas and not the Australian version and singing about not getting eaten by a crocodile on the way home from the Office Xmas Party.

13 I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday - Wizzard
The British public voted this song second behind 'Fairytale of New York' and i once heard Roy Wood explain how he constructed the song, explaining how he wanted a rock n roll Christmas song which sounded like a Phil Spector hit and how it took months of refining to get the blending of the many instruments on the single and the hours spent making sure the sound was just right.
Obviously he could have just said he used the same tune from 'See My Baby Jive' and changed the lyrics to something more Christmassy but where's the romance in that.
It is a classic and was kept off the top spot by Slade's effort in the 70's but although as tempting as it might be to have Christmas everyday, basing your calendar on glam rockers may not be that wise after all. 

Top 12 next.

Special Guest Blogger: Saint Andrew

When some long haired, bearded hippy called Jesus came along to mine and my bothers Peter house to rent a room we were not sure and when he heard we were fishermen and he made a joke about how he will make us fishers of men we both looked at each other and thought oh great, a comedian.
What isn't included in the Bible is just how awful his puns were and i was present on all of the important occasions but thankfully the people who put together the Bible left out the awful puns.
After a week of jokes about our net income, if we need a bigger boat his dad Noah's a man who has an ark and how he never really liked the Ocean because he always thought it was a little fishy, we told him nobody would take him seriously if he kept cracking such awful puns and he did tone it down a bit when he started out properly but he couldn't help himself sometimes.
When he offered the well water to the woman he really did say 'whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst' but he also said 'I would give Moses's coffee a miss though, Hebrews it' and 'Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, but the bit omitted was 'the ones who gather in Churches though are birds of pray'.   
The Last Supper was a laugh riot, that's me in the painting third from the end on the left with my hands up in surprise, he had just picked up the bread, blessed it, broke it into pieces and handed it around saying 'Take and eat as this is my body', we all refused at first and then he said 'take this bread of life or you are all toast'. You can see Matthew saying to the person writing it down off on the next table to leave that bit out.
As we all know he was crucified the next day (it being called the last supper is a clue) and we had to rewrite his last words as 'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do' because his actual last words were, 'Say what you want about these Romans but they sure have nailed this crucifixion lark, Nailed it! See what i did there?' 
I was crucified myself not long afterwards but i was put on a X shaped cross rather than the T shaped one Jesus died on but no coming back alive for me, my dad wasn't important enough obviously, but i did get to become part of the flag of somewhere called Scotland.
The story goes that Óengus II led an army of Scots into battle against the Angles, led by Æthelstan, and he prayed for victory and two white clouds formed an X shape in the sky and they took it that i was blessing them and they won the battle and was so grateful they made me their patron saint, set a white X against a blue background on their flag and named a golf course after me so i'm glad they paid such attention to wispy clouds and take them cirrus-ly. Bloody hell, he's got me doing it now!!