Special Guest Blogger: Black Sam Bellamy

Greetings landlubbers, they called me the Prince of Pirates and say I was the wealthiest swashbuckler to ever grace the Golden Age and a man of the people and honestly? They’re right. I was fabulous.
Before I was the Prince, I was just Sam. A teenager in the Royal Navy, which, let me tell you, is a fantastic place if you enjoy eating biscuits made 40% of weevils and I fought in some battles, saw the world, and realised one very important thing, that the legal life is a total scam.
You work for the King, he gets the gold and you get scurvy which is an awful business model.
So, I decided to go into independent and started with treasure hunting. My friend Paulsgrave Williams and I headed for the Florida coast to find the wrecked Spanish Plate Fleet. It was going to be easy,just pick some gold off the seafloor and retire but we found nothing. Not a single doubloon and that’s when we met Pirate Captain Benjamin Hornigold and his first mate was a guy named Edward Teach who you might know as Blackbeard.
Now, Ed was a lot. Fuses in the beard? Check. Multiple pistols strapped to his chest? Check. A general aura of I might bite your legs off? Absolutely.
I learned a lot from them, mostly that I was much better looking than they were and that I had a better philosophy. Hornigold refused to attack English ships because he still loved the King and although the ships crew told him the King doesn't even know you exist unless he’s signing your death warrant he refused so eventually, the crew voted him out and I was made captain. I was in my late twenties, I had a ship and while everyone else was wearing those ridiculous itchy wigs, I just tied my long black hair back with a velvet ribbon. Simple. Elegant. Aerodynamic and Black Sam was born.
I didn’t see myself as a thief. I saw myself as a wealth redistribution specialist and my crew called themselves Robin Hood’s Men.  I was merciful and generous, i lived by a rule that if you didn't fight back, I didn't kill you and I might even give you your ship back after I took all the good stuff.
In just over a year, I captured 53 ships and then came the Whydah. She was a beautiful state-of-the-art galley built for the slave trade and we spent months raiding the Caribbean and the Atlantic coast and I was the wealthiest pirate in history. I was winning at life.
I even had my own flag. Most pirates go for the basic skull and crossbones which is a bit cliché, if you ask me. Mine was a skeleton holding an hourglass in one hand and a speaking trumpet in the other and everything was going perfectly. I was heading back to New England with a ship full of gold and a crew of 145 men who thought I was a god, then came Mother Nature.
She didn’t care how many ships I captured. A storm hit us off Cape Cod and the weight of all that gold made us into giant golden brick and the ship capsized and out of 146 men, only two made it to shore. I wasn't one of them. I went down with the ship, the gold, and my very nice velvet hair ribbon.

Books That Inspired Me

Being such a tremendous reader of books, I was asked to write about five that had changed my outlook on life or inspired me and after giving it some thought, i had to admit no books had.
There are some books which i really enjoyed and even thought they contained such a message that everyone should read it such as The Ragged Trousered Philanthropist, Animal Farm and Of Mice And Men, but inspired or changed me? Not so much.
I assume people of a religious bent will go with the Bible or the Koran or some such religious work but the only religious text i have read was some of the Bible and probably because i came at it with an angle of this will be nonsense, i couldn't take it seriously and was too busy looking for things i could ridicule such as unicorns, dragons, horses with lion heads and fire breathing sea creatures.
Being a proper lefty, there wasn't a book that made me find that political view, i had it before i even knew what a lefty was and found we happily meshed together afterwards so no author could lay claim to influencing my viewpoint, my parents i guess take the credit for that as they were both always up for a demonstration against something or other and protesting something unfair, my life mantra of 'Life isn't fair, so let's make it fairer' was certainly stolen from them and not from a book.
So sorry but i will have to pass on this one because i can't think of one left alone five.  

Triple Lock Now Double Lock

The main take away from Andy Burnham's Labour Party speech is that he will end the pensions triple lock, making it a double lock and using the savings to help fund adult social care reforms in England.
The triple lock means the state pension currently increases annually in line with inflation, average wage growth, or 2.5% - whichever is highest but the average wage growth is being dropped so now it's a rise rise every year in line with either inflation or 2.5%.
There has been a few conversations around the affordability of the UK State Pension recently and since it was introduced in 2010,  it has been raised from £102.15 per week to £241.30 per week with the main increases coming in 2023/24 (10.1%), 2024/25 (8.5%) and 2025/26 (4.1%).
The State Pension has always been a bit of a hot potato because the over 65's are the group which vote the most and nobody wants to tick them off but as Burnham said, someone had to take the political hit and rip the plaster off although the 13.2 million pensioners currently in receipt may have something to say about it although stating that it is being down to fund free Social Care may dull their inevitable argument.    
The age of retirement was raised from 65 to 66 and then to 67 with a rise to 68 penciled in to take place around 2045 but a common fallacy is that the National Insurance we currently pay go into a pot for our retirement whereas in reality our National Insurance goes to pay the pensions of current retirees and our pensions, when we get there, will be paid by those working and paying NI then.
As Social Care  has been a sore point for Governments for years, it is not a bad thing that Burnham is looking to try and fix it and with one in 10 hospital beds occupied by someone who was medically fit enough to leave but were unable to due a lack of social care capacity, it is needed so we can only hope that the Pensioners, uppity at the best of times when it comes to their pensions, don't ruin it by voting for a Party that will undo all this good work.   

Google Guide To Finding A Brit In Your House

An estimated 4.7 to 5.5 million Brits live elsewhere in the World so there is a good chance that one of them may turn up on your doorstep but don't panic because Google has a survival guide just in case you find a Brit inside your house.

You need to find an electric kettle immediately, as your new guest will likely demand a cup of tea within minutes of arrival and then hourly throughout the day and pair it with a biscuit (digestive or rich tea) and use an electric kettle and never microwave the water as this is considered a minor crime and the Brit will exhibit signs of distress upon tasting.
Also be prepared for them to mention the weather within the first five minutes, regardless of what it is doing outside and they will apologise for everything, even if you bump into them

So what does Google suggest if it is an Australian and not a Brit in your living room?
Australians are generally docile when approached correctly but make sure you have a proper cup of tea ready and point them toward the couch, or if it is after 9am, substitute the tea for a cold beer.
Place a jar of Vegemite and some white bread on the table and if they start speaking, do not alarm them by asking for a translation, if they ask for a Chook in the Arvo or ask if you have seen their thongs, then just smile and nod and put some sports on the TV.

Canadian's are also easily managed with the right resources according to Google, so say 'Sorry' immediately as in Canadian culture, exchanging 'sorries' is a formal greeting.
If the Canadian appears restless, if you happen to have a Tim Hortons cup nearby, place it within their line of sight to calm them and if you have maple syrup, ensure it is 100% pure because offering them high-fructose corn syrup masquerading as maple syrup will result in immediate, polite disappointment. As with the Australians, the language can be confusing but the formula is that 'Yeah, no' means No and 'No, yeah' means Yes.

As for if it's an American, the advice is not to panic  and immediately fill every available tray with water and place in the freezer as they will expect a glass that is 70% ice, even if it is freezing outside.
Be prepared to intervene at the Kettle as there is a high statistical probability they will try to boil water in your microwave and calibrate your volume as Americans 'inside voice' is roughly equivalent to a public address system.
They might try to hand you cash after you make them a tea or help with luggage as tipping is a cultural thing and never offer them instant coffee as they will just not get it.

Thank you Google.

Did You Bring The Tin Opener Luv?

El Niño is supersizing and is expected to be the strongest since the one in 1877-78 which saw the Pacific Ocean temperatures reach 3.5C and the result was the death of over 50 million people Worldwide through famine and droughts and with the 2026 version already topping 3C and rising and some forecasts predicting a peak of 4.0C in December, it's not looking good. Although a warming planet doesn't cause El Niño, the fact that it is happening in a warmer planet should mean that our Governments are finally taking Climate Change seriously.
For example in China, a 100-day campaign has been launched to prepare for extreme weather and help safeguard harvests against the opposing extremes of drought and intense rainfall. Beijing has plans to upgrade early warning monitoring systems, and in July, it launched a national plan encouraging cities to draw up climate risk maps to help identify areas most vulnerable to flooding and severe heat while in the UK....erm.
The Climate Crisis killed an estimated 35,000 Europeans this Summer, 2,877 heat-associated deaths occurring across the UK during May and June, and Brits are being encouraged to panic sensibly by stockpiling water, tinned fruits and vegetables and loo roll.
Depending on where you live (and the Southern Hemisphere is more in the firing line than us Northern Hemispherers ) you will probably experience storms, floods, starvation, heatwaves, fires and droughts and a recent scientific report projected that this unfolding super El Niño could lead to over 450,000 additional deaths globally from heat and extreme weather through early 2027.
Anyone who still has an old Y2K Survival Guide knocking around, this could be a good time to re-read it or you could move to China who's Government seem the only ones to be actually doing something.  

Special Guest Blogger: Roman God Forculu

Hello, Mortals, I’m the little-known but fiercely over-qualified Roman deity who watches over the doors that separate the chaotic outside from the cozy (or not-so-cozy) inside.
My ancestors called me the Keeper of the Portal but the big guy, Janus, the two-faced god of beginnings and endings gets all the stories about gate-opening and gate-closing, I’m the one who makes sure the wood doesn’t warp, the metal doesn’t rust, and that you don’t end up stepping directly over
a dreaded threshold.
The ancient Romans loved to split up responsibilities. Need a god for the door? Ask Forculus. Need one for the hinge? Cardea. Need a god for the sill that keeps the draught out? Limentinus.
My name literally means the one who watches the door which is not exactly a superhero name but back when Rome was a cluster of huts on the Tiber and a few ambitious road-builders, doors were very basic. A simple slab of timber, a rope tied to a stone, and a prayer to whichever Gods was handy would suffice.
I was assigned to a modest wooden door outside a blacksmith’s shop in the Subura district but fast forward a few centuries and I got promoted to double doors in a public bathhouse. Suddenly, my responsibilities doubled and I had to keep two doors synchronized, ensure they swished open together perfectly and the bathhouse owner paid me in loaves of honey-glazed figs.
Limentinus is the brother who always stands at the exact spot where you transition from one world to another, making sure you don’t trip over the unseen line that separates inside from outside.
Janus is the grandmaster of passages, the god with a face looking both forward and backward and loves to take credit for everything but  Janus gets the statues, the festivals, the poems. Cardea gets a small bronze plaque in some Roman villa. Limentinus gets a stone slab that few notice unless they trip but I’m not a god who demands temples because a door teaches patience. You can’t force a wooden portal to swing open if the hinges aren’t aligned and every door you walk through offers a decision of either staying inside the safety of your house, or venture out into the unknown, i'm easy either way, that's your decision.

Blue Moon Standing Alone

It took forever but finally Manchester City have been found guilty of 114 of the 115 charges against them for breaking Footballs the Financial Rules over a 10 year period, or cheating as it is also known to be able to sign more expensive players than their finances should have permitted.
The club was found to have systemically bypassed financial regulations to build its squad and failed to provide accurate financial information and details of payments to players and coaches but as yet the punishment for such mammoth and serious deception has yet to be announced  although it will be seismic.
The penalties being whispered about include stripping of titles and cups, huge fines, points deductions and even demotion and as  Everton were docked six points and Nottingham Forest four for their breaches of profit and sustainability rules, suggests a large points penalty, enough to see them relegated although it could be spread over a number of seasons which will ensure they do not bounce straight back to the top league.
One possible sanction is the removal of the eight trophies the club won in the period covered by the case, including three Premier League titles, three League Cups, one Community Shield and one FA Cup with the runners up in each case being handed the trophy.
As well as the Premier League flaying them, other clubs are seeking legal advice about compensation,  claiming they have been impacted by City's illegal actions and Burnley did undertake such a move against Everton who were told they must pay Burnley £35m after they broke profit and sustainability regulations  as their cheating impacted Burnley's chances of staying in the Premier League, and sought compensation for the losses associated with being relegated.
If you add together the clubs who just missed out on the Champions League, or failed to make Europe, or even those who were relegated by beating by a Manchester City team who were flouting the rules as well as the points deductions, fines and relegation, this is an extremely difficult time to be a Manchester City fan but a real boon for the rest and you cheating northern bastards will be sung at them at every ground for years to come. Good, they deserve it.

Don't Be That Guy

It does seem that some men have not got the message about not being rapists and understanding exactly what consent is which is why an advertisement is going live tonight to explain these things.
The 'That Guy' advert is the start of a six week campaign aimed to reduce rape, sexual assault and harassment by having frank conversations with men about attitudes and behaviour around women and combat the dangers of social media 'manosphere' influencers.
The people behind the campaign said that: 'Young men and boys are growing up where attitudes towards women, sex and relationships are shaped what they see online, including messages about masculinity and how women should be treated. Manosphere influencers and social media algorithms can repeatedly expose boys to harmful attitudes and behaviours, which can become normalised and this  extremist content is having a direct impact on women's safety'.
One misogynist has already spoken out and blamed female teachers for sending boys and young men into the arms of the manosphere by pushing a political, anti-boy and feminist agenda which teaches them that the world is anti-boy so in effect he is already blaming females for the way boys and young men act towards them.
It's quite something that we have to actually teach some menfolk not to rape woman and how No actually means No but seems like we do because the data shows a clear increase in misogynistic behavior and attitudes among young people and in schools, largely driven by online content and social media influencers.
Another reason why the Social Media ban, penciled in for Spring 2027, can not come soon enough.

Special Guest Blogger: Alexander Bain

They say history is written by the victors but in my case, history is written by people who don't know how to spell facsimile.
If you’ve ever checked your digital watch or had the distinct displeasure of receiving a fax in the year of our Lord 2026, you’ve got me to thank or blame.
Being a pioneer mostly comprised of cold porridge, bad investments and people trying to steal your homework but not mine at school because I wasn't exactly the teacher’s pet. School was a place where I sat quietly, staring at the dust motes dancing in the sunlight and my teachers thought I was a bit dense.
I was apprenticed to a clockmaker in Wick and it was there, amidst the rhythmic tick-tock of brass gears and the smell of lubricating oil, that I decided everything was too slow. Why wait for a winding key to do the work? Why not use electricity? It seemed like a bright idea and little did I know, the path to glory is paved with people who insist you should stick to your day job.
I eventually found myself in London, on Hanover Street, running a workshop but innovation is expensive and electricity wasn’t exactly something you could pick up at the corner grocer's in the 1840s.
In my desperation, I sought out Sir Charles Wheatstone and I showed him my electric clock which was a beautiful, elegant piece of machinery kept in perpetual, pulsing motion by electromagnetic impulses but he dismissed it and said there was no future in electric clocks but three months later, I’m reading the paper and lo and behold, Wheatstone is at the Royal Society, unveiling his invention, the electric clock and I thought that claiming a patent you saw in someone else’s workshop three months prior is a level of chutzpah that even I have to begrudgingly respect.
Wheatstone didn't count on one thing, I was Scottish and we are famously stubborn when it comes to being cheated out of money.
He tried to block my patents but the House of Lords, in a rare moment of clarity, summoned me to give evidence and I walked into that room and explained how electricity actually functioned, and watched as Wheatstone’s face turned the color of a curdled porridge.
He was forced to pay me £10,000 and i put that money towards another invention, the Fax Machine or as i called it, the Chemical Telegraph.
I didn’t invent the fax machine so that you could send a blurry, black-and-white copy of an insurance document, I invented it because I thought we should be able to send images over wires! It was the 1840s! It was basically magic!
I spent three years tinkering with the synchronisation of pendulums and the chemical reaction on paper. It worked. It was genius. And yet, looking back, I realize I was the first person in history to inflict this machine upon the world.
The thing about being an inventor is that your brain is wired for discovery, not for the stock market and my fortune didn't last after I invested in some ventures that were, to put it mildly, optimistic, less mildly,  just plain stupid.
I died with considerably less than I started with, and yet, I don’t regret it because I see you all now, walking around with your mobile devices, sending instant messages, peering at screens, and tracking time to the millisecond which are all descendants of my pendulums and my wires.
So, next time your clock ticks, or your fax machine screams at you for no reason, spare a thought for Alexander Bain. I may have died broke, but I certainly didn't die bored.

Heading For The Exit

If Benjamin Netanyahu was in any doubt that he considered a pariah running a pariah state, he wouldn't have been left in any doubt after 77 nations saw him approaching the lectern at the United Nations and decided to walk out the door marked Exit rather than listen to the War Criminal try and justify the Genocide he is conducting.
Well done and much applause to the 77 but shame on the ones who stayed which included my own country which sat in the rapidly emptying hall and heard him talk about the leavers as 'moral cowards' although anything to do with morals is not the genocidal leaders wanted by the International Criminal Court's strong point so maybe he got confused.
The diplomatic protest extended across countries from Asia, Africa, Europe and South America and those outside wouldn't have heard Netanyahu use his address to reject accusations that Israel has committed genocide in the Gaza Strip, describing the charge as the 'biggest lie of the century' and praising US President Donald Trump as a great leader so immediately showing he had not necessarily grasped the concept of what constitutes a whopping great lie.
He then went on to attack journalists for their coverage of Israel but to be fair it is hard to portray anyone who is murdering civilians and ethnically cleansing their land in a  great light although some Israeli supporters have tried.
Of course no Netanyahu speech would be complete with at least once saying the words 'Antisemitism’ which he did when he accused New York Mayor, Zohran Mamdani, of it and claiming that Jewish New Yorkers no longer felt safe following his election to which Mamdani responded that: 'Netanyahu used his speech to repeat baseless lies designed to whitewash his genocide of Palestinians. No lie can change the fact that he bears an arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court for war crimes and crimes against humanity'. Ouch.
The Israeli murder (35th in our Table of leaders who have killed the most people in History, just two places below Vlad the Impaler) faces an election on 27 October 2026 and we can only hope that he follows the swift departure of the 77 nations who left him staring at a half empty chamber and is booted out the Knesset and into a Hague Prison Cell and a lot less murdery replacement is chosen.