Becoming British

For some mad reason there are people wishing to become British which means either they have not had access to a TV or newspaper over the past 15 years or they are coming from the increasingly fewer countries even more disorganised than here.
Rather than the obvious reaction of saying 'You Sure?' and checking for any signs of recent bangs to the head, they are welcomed with open arms, an exam and a huge bill. 
The Immigration Department report that tens of thousands of people are accepted as UK citizens each year which is very nice, (welcome to our little windy, rain swept country by the way) but even better for our Treasury which makes a tidy little sum from the new Britishers.
First step to becoming British is to take a British Citizenship Test to demonstrate your knowledge of UK laws and history and score at least 75% (18 out of 24) because knowing who directed Chariots of Fire and that St. Andrews is the home of Golf is very important.
Once the exam is passed it's dig deep into the savings because the price of becoming a Brit is not cheap, £1330 per adult and £1012 per child.
With your bank account emptied, don't sigh with relief and buy a teapot just yet because there is still the official ceremony fee to pay (£80 per person) and one final £5 per person to take The Oath in which applicants swear that they will: 'give my loyalty to the United Kingdom and respect its rights and freedoms. I will uphold its democratic values. I will observe its laws faithfully and fulfil my duties and obligations as a British citizen'.
Finally, almost £1500 lighter and now armed with the knowledge that Sake Dean Mahomet opened the Hindoostane Coffee House in 1810 (no, me neither) you are now deemed British enough to moan about the weather, drink tea until you burst and complain about all the foreigners coming here along with the rest of us.
Welcome to Britain, make sure you bring an umbrella.