With Keir Starmer barely holding on to power with his fingertips, someone stamping on his fingers and sending him off the cliff is inevitably coming so as we have had a few duffers over the last few years, I am throwing my hat in the ring to be the next Prime Minister of the UK so i am polishing off my previous manifesto and present it here for your perusal and so you know that if you vote for me, you can't say you wasn't warned.
First up is scrap the Nuclear Weapons: We don't need them, they are ridiculously expensive and if we did use them it would be because someone else did so the world would be ended anyway.
Next is reverse the madness that was Brexit and rejoin the Single Market and Customs Union by posting a letter to the EU pleading temporary insanity and we are very, very sorry.
A Windfall tax on banks and utilities making obscene profits.
The Royals are worth hundreds of millions so why are we still shoveling cash towards them? Sorry your Highness but pay for your own bloody upkeep and do you really need all those palaces and Castles?
With the money from above now sloshing about in the Government coffers i would actually build the 40 new hospitals we were promised but never arrived.
I would tell the Middle East to poke their oil and gas where the Sun doesn't shine which is mostly the UK which may be a drawback for our Solar Plants but with currently 43% of our power coming from renewable sources, I would double the solar, wind and tidal resources and we would never have to
worry about the next time America decides it needs a war to hide some files which show the President to be a nonce.
Then there is the 'Enjoy the rest of your Day' thing which seems to have become prevalent amongst shop assistants . While it is perfectly polite, it's just so fake and anyway if I wanted to have a crap day, a woman in Boots isn't going to stop me.
If you were in one of those jobs who got a mention when we were all outside clapping you during the Covid Pandemic (Nurse, Police, Bus and Train drivers etc) then you get a 10% payrise. If you were in a job which was furloughed and it had no effect whatsoever on the nation (Estate Agent, Insurance Salesman, Double Glazing Cold Caller) then suck it up.
A new tax system will be introduced, if you are a global conglomerate and do not pay your fair share in Corporation Tax then pack up your stuff and sod off elsewhere because you aren't welcome here, there will be plenty of coffee houses and search engines who will take your place.
There will also be a new Tax Return where you tick what you don't want your taxes to go towards such as the Royals.
I would tell America to come and pack up their military bases and missiles on British land and while your at it take back home all those Yanks who complain about the weather, our taps and our food. If you can't work out how two taps and a basin works then you shouldn't be allowed to leave your own country.
The BBC can keep the licence fee but you MUST make a programme with that delightful Brian Cox in it every 3 months to replace all those dreadful cooking and antique shows, put The Sky A Night on at a decent time and promise to never, ever, EVER employ Piers Morgan in anything.
Finally, a £100 fine sentence for anyone who leaves the teabag in the cup in shops which you don't discover until you have almost drank it
That's my manifesto United Kingdom so vote for me and never be told to enjoy the rest of your day ever again. You know it makes sense.
Disclaimer: LucyP bears no responsibility if you vote her into office and her math's turns out to be a bit iffy.
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