For anyone that has been paying attention over the past few years, God came to me a while back and asked me to put together a band for Jesus's birthday party made up of the dead musicians he had lounging around on clouds in heaven.
After some thought (and the bribe of some hard drugs) the band we ended up with was Ron Wilson of the Safari's on drums, Phil Lynott from Thin Lizzy on bass, rhythm guitar was handed to Joe Strummer and lead to Jimi Hendrix with a warning to not do any of that weird feedback crap.
Freddie Mercury was picked as the man front and center wearing spandex and doing that trademark punch thing.
Since the band was formed, we have had many tours of other heavens such as Nirvana, Mitclan, Gan Eden, Valhalla, Tir Na Nog and Vaikuntha but i had God on the phone to me the other day saying that his place had been inundated with new musical arrivals recently and do we need to freshen up the band for the Heaven's festival season.
He listed the names of newly deceased musicians as David Bowie, Lemmy, Prince, Billy Paul, Maurice White, Jimmy Bain, and Glen Frey.
I agreed to take Lemmy and broke the bad news to Phil Lynott that he was dumped and we debated whether to take Prince or stick with Mercury and we ended up agreeing Prince was too weird and stuck with Mercury.
As we were having a shuffle i decided to replace Wilson for John Bonham of Led Zepplin so the new 'Best band In Heaven' is now Bonham, Lemmy, Strummer, Hendrix and Mercury belting out the tunes.
He did say that he also wanted a word about the playlist and he wasn't happy about the inclusion of 'Sympathy for the Devil', 'Highway to Hell', 'Heaven can Wait' and 'Friend of the Devil' but the line suddenly went very crackly and we were cut off, oh well.
Sunday, 8 May 2016
Friday, 6 May 2016
Thunder All Through The Night
After a few days of temperatures nudging the low 20s, it is all about to come crashing down, literally, as violent thunderstorms are about to light up the skies tonight and tomorrow.
I'm with Eddie Rabbitt who sang that he loved a rainy night, hearing the thunder and watching the lightning because it's on a par with snow as my favourite weather and the more violent the better as far as i'm concerned.
As a child we were told that it was God moving around the furniture and flicking the lights on and off but as i got older and wiser i realised that it is actually the clouds bumping into each other and Jesus checking the cloud damage with his torch.
Electrical storms are very few and far between here in the UK but there is a place in Venezuela that has storms lighting up the skies on average 300 nights each year.
Maybe Eddie Rabbitt's song is not so popular there, they may get a bit fed up with hearing the thunder and watching the lightning most nights but i plan to grab my mug of tea, sit by a window and watch Jesus inspect the clouds as they career into each other.
I'm with Eddie Rabbitt who sang that he loved a rainy night, hearing the thunder and watching the lightning because it's on a par with snow as my favourite weather and the more violent the better as far as i'm concerned.
As a child we were told that it was God moving around the furniture and flicking the lights on and off but as i got older and wiser i realised that it is actually the clouds bumping into each other and Jesus checking the cloud damage with his torch.
Electrical storms are very few and far between here in the UK but there is a place in Venezuela that has storms lighting up the skies on average 300 nights each year.
Maybe Eddie Rabbitt's song is not so popular there, they may get a bit fed up with hearing the thunder and watching the lightning most nights but i plan to grab my mug of tea, sit by a window and watch Jesus inspect the clouds as they career into each other.
Eurovision 2016
It isn't just Europeans and Aussies who can shout 'nul points' at the Azerbaijan entry this year because Americans can join in revelling at the sight of beautiful men and women belting out power ballads blocked out on the TV screen by thousands of fans manically waving flags in front of the cameras.
The United Kingdom entry is a bit more upbeat with a catchy chorus but as we are as popular in Europe as a doughnut at a weight watchers meeting it will be a shock if we are troubling the left hand side of the leaders board with the eventual winners.
Our song is called 'You're Not Alone' which we won't be because we are sure to have company on the few points Ireland and Malta (thanks guys) always throw us.
One country that also won't win it are Romania who have been kicked out due to their TV station that covers the Eurovision not coughing up to pay off their debts so that is us robbed of the Ovidiu Anton performance of his song appropriately titled 'Moment of Silence'.
The favourites are Russia although politics may play a part when it comes to voting for them so i would plump for Spain or France to end up with the microphone shaped trophy.
As we tried to get tickets for the Final but were told they sold out almost as soon as they were released, we will be watching it on the TV along with the expected Worldwide audience of 200 million armed with a pencil and a scorecard and shouting 'Nul Points' at Azerbaijan.
Another Tory U-Turn
With the council election results dripping in throughout the day, today was a good day to bury bad or embarrassing news which is exactly the what the Government have done, slipping it out quietly that the flagship policy of forcing all schools to become academies has been dropped.
After months of staunchly defending the policy which would see schools removed from local council control, the Conservative spokesman wheeled out to whisper the announcement explained that the Government had 'listened to concerns' and were taking their plans back to the drawing board only days after the education secretary, Nicky Morgan, insisted they were still going ahead.
It could be they listened, it could be the looming risk of strike action from teachers or it could be that the Conservatives woke up to the fact that it was a vote loser but whatever reason, the Conservatives had made another U-turn on a policy and so we can now see if they are willing to listen to concerns about the NHS.
After months of staunchly defending the policy which would see schools removed from local council control, the Conservative spokesman wheeled out to whisper the announcement explained that the Government had 'listened to concerns' and were taking their plans back to the drawing board only days after the education secretary, Nicky Morgan, insisted they were still going ahead.
It could be they listened, it could be the looming risk of strike action from teachers or it could be that the Conservatives woke up to the fact that it was a vote loser but whatever reason, the Conservatives had made another U-turn on a policy and so we can now see if they are willing to listen to concerns about the NHS.
New Day, Sad Ending
The 'New Day' newspaper printed its last copy today, nine weeks after it printed it's first.
Needing sales of 200,000 to break even, it managed to find only 40,000 readers and so the publisher
have decided the tabloid was no longer financially viable and cut it's losses and closed today.
Considering that it was aimed at 'people who do not usually read newspapers', i did find a fatal flaw in their business plan but still sad to see yet another newspaper fold.
Needing sales of 200,000 to break even, it managed to find only 40,000 readers and so the publisher
have decided the tabloid was no longer financially viable and cut it's losses and closed today.
Considering that it was aimed at 'people who do not usually read newspapers', i did find a fatal flaw in their business plan but still sad to see yet another newspaper fold.
Tuesday, 3 May 2016
A Return For Flag Burning
It doesn't seem that long ago that any budding entrepreneur armed with a decent supply of red, white & blue material and a sewing machine had an amazing business opportunity providing UK and US flags for people in the Middle East and Indian sub continent to set fire to.
Now, i can't remember the last time i saw a group of men dancing around a flaming Union Flag or even more amusingly, keeping hold of it until it gets too hot and then dropping it on their shoes.
The mid 2000's when the Bush/Blair administrations were in full throttle was the high water mark for flag burning but chanting about God while getting hot feet is so passé now or they have just run out of flags to burn.
It was always something that seemed to annoy Americans more than us Brits, we never really seemed bothered by the sight of flames licking around our flag but then Britain has never been much of a flag loving country anyway, far too American all that hand on the heart 'Oh say can you see' type of thing.
With Donald Trump still in the race for US President and considering that America will be at war within 15 minutes of him donning the Commander-in-Chief badge, i wouldn't be throwing away that old sewing machine yet Mr Jihadi.
We may yet see the re-emergence of Muslims jigging around a piece of flaming material and blistering their feet so at least put on some decent shoes first, sandals are not the best footwear for stamping on a burning flag and even in the middle of jihad Health and Safety should be a concern.
Anyway, if an entrepreneurial jihadist is reading this, i can lay my hands on miles of Union Jack bunting left over from the Queens Birthday celebrations and i'm sure we can come to some arrangement the next time the masses congregate to denounce us.
Now, i can't remember the last time i saw a group of men dancing around a flaming Union Flag or even more amusingly, keeping hold of it until it gets too hot and then dropping it on their shoes.
The mid 2000's when the Bush/Blair administrations were in full throttle was the high water mark for flag burning but chanting about God while getting hot feet is so passé now or they have just run out of flags to burn.
It was always something that seemed to annoy Americans more than us Brits, we never really seemed bothered by the sight of flames licking around our flag but then Britain has never been much of a flag loving country anyway, far too American all that hand on the heart 'Oh say can you see' type of thing.
With Donald Trump still in the race for US President and considering that America will be at war within 15 minutes of him donning the Commander-in-Chief badge, i wouldn't be throwing away that old sewing machine yet Mr Jihadi.
We may yet see the re-emergence of Muslims jigging around a piece of flaming material and blistering their feet so at least put on some decent shoes first, sandals are not the best footwear for stamping on a burning flag and even in the middle of jihad Health and Safety should be a concern.
Anyway, if an entrepreneurial jihadist is reading this, i can lay my hands on miles of Union Jack bunting left over from the Queens Birthday celebrations and i'm sure we can come to some arrangement the next time the masses congregate to denounce us.
Monday, 2 May 2016
Leicester Only Go And Win The League!!
A year ago this week, Leicester had just escaped relegation to the Championship and sacked the manager and appointed an Italian, Claudio Ranieri, who had just been sacked by Greece after a four-game winless stint which included a defeat to the part-timers of the Faroe Islands and Leicester were tipped by many as one of the three favourites for relegation this season and Ranieri the favourite to be the first manager sacked.
With odds of 5000-1, the chances of Leicester winning the Premier League were longer than Piers Morgan being named as Arsenal manager (250-1) or Simon Cowell to be next Prime Minister (500-1) and as likely as Elvis being found alive or the Loch Ness monster found to exist which would return £5000 if you were mad enough to bet a quid on either of them.
As far as i am aware Elvis is still dead and Simon Cowell continues churning out pap pop stars and isn't moving his sofa into number 10 but Leicester have only gone and won the Premier League!
It's ludicrous, amazing, brilliant, astonishing and completely bonkers but we should say a few words about Tottenham Hotspur who pushed Leicester all the way but fell short at the end.
It would be cruel to laugh at them, call them bottlers or even hope that there are so crestfallen that they blow the last two games and Arsenal finish second so congratulations Leicester and haha Spurs, bottlers, hope you lose the next two as well.
With odds of 5000-1, the chances of Leicester winning the Premier League were longer than Piers Morgan being named as Arsenal manager (250-1) or Simon Cowell to be next Prime Minister (500-1) and as likely as Elvis being found alive or the Loch Ness monster found to exist which would return £5000 if you were mad enough to bet a quid on either of them.
As far as i am aware Elvis is still dead and Simon Cowell continues churning out pap pop stars and isn't moving his sofa into number 10 but Leicester have only gone and won the Premier League!
It's ludicrous, amazing, brilliant, astonishing and completely bonkers but we should say a few words about Tottenham Hotspur who pushed Leicester all the way but fell short at the end.
It would be cruel to laugh at them, call them bottlers or even hope that there are so crestfallen that they blow the last two games and Arsenal finish second so congratulations Leicester and haha Spurs, bottlers, hope you lose the next two as well.
Learning English
It has been said that English is one of the hardest languages to learn as a second language and considering that it is a mongrel mix made up of a sprinkling of French, Latin, German, Scandinavian and a fair few other languages it isn't surprising.
One test on German spies in ww2 who had otherwise perfect English was to get them to pronounce places such as Worcester or the surname Mainwaring which is where the Captain in Dad's Army gets his name. Fail and it's off to the clink and apparently many did but as we have no German spies today to catch, we settle for confusing tourists and laughing at the way Americans say 'Aluminium' and 'Route' instead.
There are some words that represent more of a challenge to non-native English speakers than others and they have handily created a top ten of 'How the hell do you say that??' words.
The top ten words are:
1. Queue
2. Appreciate
3. Chaos
4. Comfortable
5. Lieutenant
6. Paradigm
7. Quay
8. Squirrel
9. Worcester
10. Penguin
Grasp these east Europeans and before you know it you will be telling that joke about the penguin and the squirrel queuing in Worcester.
One test on German spies in ww2 who had otherwise perfect English was to get them to pronounce places such as Worcester or the surname Mainwaring which is where the Captain in Dad's Army gets his name. Fail and it's off to the clink and apparently many did but as we have no German spies today to catch, we settle for confusing tourists and laughing at the way Americans say 'Aluminium' and 'Route' instead.
There are some words that represent more of a challenge to non-native English speakers than others and they have handily created a top ten of 'How the hell do you say that??' words.
The top ten words are:
1. Queue
2. Appreciate
3. Chaos
4. Comfortable
5. Lieutenant
6. Paradigm
7. Quay
8. Squirrel
9. Worcester
10. Penguin
Grasp these east Europeans and before you know it you will be telling that joke about the penguin and the squirrel queuing in Worcester.
Sunday, 1 May 2016
Disgraceful Israel
One of the claims made by Israeli supporters when they steal Palestinian land is that it is to provide a buffer between the Hamas rockets and Israeli cities.
That argument falls apart when you consider no rockets have been fired from the West Bank but still the land grab goes on and as the United Nations have reported, has actually increased.
The UN's Office for the Co-ordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) show that there have been an average of 165 demolitions a month since January.
In February alone, 235 buildings were taken down, and the UN agency has claimed people are being driven from the land as a result.
The Israeli military, which has occupied the West Bank for half a century, claims it carries out the demolitions because the structures are illegal and do not have the necessary planning permits, permits that the UN say are 'virtually impossible' for Palestinians to get the approval they need, only 1.5% of applications from 2010 to 2014 being granted.
All this on Palestinians own land remember...and the World pathetically stays quiet as the disgraceful genocide continues and the Palestinians suffering goes on.
That argument falls apart when you consider no rockets have been fired from the West Bank but still the land grab goes on and as the United Nations have reported, has actually increased.
The UN's Office for the Co-ordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) show that there have been an average of 165 demolitions a month since January.
In February alone, 235 buildings were taken down, and the UN agency has claimed people are being driven from the land as a result.
The Israeli military, which has occupied the West Bank for half a century, claims it carries out the demolitions because the structures are illegal and do not have the necessary planning permits, permits that the UN say are 'virtually impossible' for Palestinians to get the approval they need, only 1.5% of applications from 2010 to 2014 being granted.
All this on Palestinians own land remember...and the World pathetically stays quiet as the disgraceful genocide continues and the Palestinians suffering goes on.
Not Such A Great Idea
Oh look a gun. I know what i will do, i'll take a selfie while pointing it at my own head and putting my finger on the trigger while not knowing if the gun is loaded or not. After all, what could possibly go wrong...
A teenager in India has accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to take a selfie photograph.
Police said Ramandeep Singh is being treated in hospital at Pathankot in Punjab state and is expected to survive.
I swear the world is getting stupider.
A teenager in India has accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to take a selfie photograph.
Police said Ramandeep Singh is being treated in hospital at Pathankot in Punjab state and is expected to survive.
I swear the world is getting stupider.
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