Special Guest Blogger: King Leonidas I

My mother was also my niece but lets not get bogged down with that, i am most famous for leading 300 Spartans into a fight with the Persian King Xerxes, a feat so great that a film was made about it thousands of year later and it was almost historically accurate, especially the six packs. 
I really did keep power kicking the messengers of Xerxes into Wells but then they kept standing next to them and anyway we weren't big on all that diplomacy stuff, far easier to just kill them and do it in that Spartan way, in slow motion and with neatly coiffed hair. 
Us Spartans were known for our hair, adult Spartan males kept their hair long and flowing except when we went into battle, it was how many of our enemies knew that an arse kicking was coming their way, it was a thing we did as nothing strikes fear into the hearts of our enemies than a bunch of naked men braiding each others hair, we may have been constantly grooming our 'dos but we still managed to look badass doing it.
Hollywood doesn't just make films about any old historical figures and i didn’t get where i am today trying to be reasonable so when Xerxes demanded that Sparta submit to him, and this was the whack-job who ordered his men to flog a river after the waves knocked down his bridge remember, i famously said 'Come and take them', the next line was not quite so well known but went something like 'Oh Shit, he's coming to get them, shit, shit, shit'.
Following a lot of the most badass lines in history, us Spartans fought in the shade of the enemy's arrows and soon we went from being full of fight to now being just full of Persian arrows but the legend of us 300 Spartans (and no mention of the other 7,000 of the non-Spartans on our side) taking on the Persian Army was forged into history along with our impressive six packs.

Special Guest Blogger: Queen Mother

I was by far the most popular Royal and mainly because during the war, it was said that i showed a seemingly indomitable spirit providing moral support to the British public and it's true because things were tough for all of us back then.
So many balls had to be cancelled and Buckingham Palace was bombed and there was a small fire in the grounds which the wiper of the Royals arses got a bit singed trying to put it out. I now know what our men must have gone through at the Somme.
We had to squeeze into three palaces and the rationing was awful, we had to make do with swans and grouse and if you didn't finish your seventh course then it was taken away and given to the corgi's. Our Margaret had a tantrum when she discovered that our usual guy was signed up for the front and the new cook had cut her cucumber sandwiches into squares rather than triangles.
I remember i was listening to the wireless when that nice Mr. Chamberlain said he had declared war on Germany and there were worries that the Germans would invade Britain but apart from the relatives, i never saw any of them over here. 
At my funeral it was said that i had an utterly irresistible mischievousness spirit and it's true i did, most of it gin but it was said that i was a bit of a piss-head but i only drank as much as the next person, if that next person was Oliver Reed.
I would have a Gin and Dubonnet in the morning, a bottle of wine at lunch, a bit of champers with my dinner and a couple of dry Martini's in the evening but as i lived to be 101, i guess that proves that as my blood was 40% proof, alcohol is a great preservative.

Special Guest Blogger: Thomas Midgley Jnr

If the quiz question 'Who has killed the most people in history' came up you could be excused for running through the usual suspects such as Hitler or Stalin but there is one man who is responsible for multiple more deaths than all of them put together and whose influence continues to kill millions today, little old me.
Not content with shortening everybody's life once, i doubled my efforts by thinking up a second way to do it. 
I was the man who decided that what petrol needed was a large dose of atmosphere polluting lead (tetraethyllead or TEL) in it and then came up with the whizz that refridgerators would work better if they contained ozone depleting chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs).
I did suffer lead poisoning on several occasions and after numerous deaths at the factory that produced TEL and rumours began spreading that maybe the TEL was poisonous, i poured it over my hands and inhaled the substance for 60 seconds at a press conference to demonstrate the safety of TEL before suffering yet stay in hospital due to another bout of lead poisoning.
I was then on the team that developed CFC's for air conditioning and refrigeration systems before dying aged 55 by accidentally strangling myself in the ropes of a pulley that i had invented to lift himself out of bed.
Thankfully, all my lifes work is now being undone and scientists have confirmed that they have discovered an ozone hole in the pollution layer that i caused but with the thousands of millions of tonnes of lead pushed into the atmosphere and then the depletion of the cancer preventing ozone layer with CFC's, you could make the argument that i have been responsible for more human deaths than any other single person in history. Sorry.

The Moronic Ox

In the UK, July 4th is just the fourth day of July but it is a thing in America for some reason and in the midst of a pandemic with 130,000 dead Americans what is called for is a unifying, somber presidential speech which inspires the hope that the coming months will be less bleak than those that preceded them which is exactly what Donald Trump didn't give, instead he stood in the the shadow of Mount Rushmore and attacked protestors and bashed the ongoing anti-racism uprising.
So far as expected from the son of a KKK member but then came the bizarre term 'far-left fascism' which is an oxymoron too far for even him, a man who is ironically both as large as an ox and a moron but i have heard the term previously and amusingly that was by right wing people with no sense of...actually, let us just leave that there, with no sense.
How you can be a lefty with a fascist ideology is best left to people with less brain cells to worry about but it is considered a way that the right wing pass the baton of Fascism on because the optics of having people like Hitler and Mussolini on your side of the ideological fence is not a good one, other unsuccesful attempts have been to try and persuade people that Hitler was a Socialist and when Mussolini wrote 'The Doctrine of Fascism', it was based on the book by Karl Marx.
I did try and check how the President's oxymoron was received with the Atheists Church Group, the Outdoor Rambling Agoraphobic's Society, the Jose Mourinho Arsenal Appreciation Club and the Jewish Pork Lovers Collective but they never returned my calls but there is one July 4th statistic that is interesting, three of the 44 people who have been America's President, three never woke up on July 5th. Just saying.

Even Prince Andrew Is Sweating Now

Prince Andrew famously said that after an incident in the Falklands, he is unable to sweat but even he must have felt a bit clammy after the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein's girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell on sex-trafficking charges.
The young girl in the now infamous picture of Prince Andrew taken in one of Epstein's houses, Virginia Roberts Giuffre, claims she was trafficked and forced to sleep with the Duke when she was 17, a claim that he denies as he can't recall ever meeting her but does remembers being in Woking's Pizza Express the night it was was meant to have happened.
US prosecutors have accused Prince Andrew of deliberately avoiding them as they try to speak to him about his relationship with Epstein but the lawyers for the Prince, once known as 'Randy Andy', have insisted they have repeatedly offered to provide information in relation to the investigation although Andrew must be getting worried that perhaps Ghislaine Maxwell will now fill in some of the blanks for them.
Other names currently feeling a bit more sweaty this morning are Woody Allen, Donald Trump and Bill Clinton who traveling aboard Epstein’s jet dubbed the 'Lolita Express at least 26 times according to flight logs and have been named as a visitor by staff at Epstein’s private island, dubbed Paedeophile Island by the locals.
Where there is sleaze you are sure to find Donald Trump and while we are still waiting on that Russian Hotel video to see the light of day, we have the pictures of him with Epstein amd Maxwell at various events through the years.
No doubt Maxwell is in deep trouble so the question is, who does she throw under the proverbial bus to try and wriggle out of this spot and that’s where Prince Andrew and the rest of the names in Epsteins little black book must be starting to sweat if, of course, that is physically possible in Andrews case.

Special Guest Blogger: Ivan the Terrible

Let's assume that say you're me and you find this once-in-a-generation genius, let's call him Postnik Yakovlev, and he can build an absolute masterpiece for you, let's call this building St. Basil's Cathedral, and so after he finishes, your options are to ask him to do another one, give him a shitload of money in appreciation of his wonderful craft or gouge out his eyes and cut off his hands to keep your thing special?
Obviously we would all go for the last one which is exactly what i did.
The tower was built for my intended wife Suyumbike, who it is rumoured was not so much in love with me as i was with her but people only draw that conclusion based on the fact that once the tower was built, the first thing she did was climb to the top and promptly threw herself off it to her
death which cast a bit of a shadow over the engagement admittedly.
With the later part of my name being Terrible and not Ivan the Pleasant or Ivan the Delightfully Amusing, you can guess i did have a bit of a temper, i beat my pregnant daughter-in-law to death for wearing immodest clothing which my son took offence to, so i killed him also.
I didn't have a great reputation in Russia at the time but that has undergone a bit of a transformation and the tale of where i burnt down an entire village when they refused to pay me enough respect is now a tale of me showing them the evils of homelessness which it did of course as they stood weeping beside their smouldering huts.
You would think after all the evil i did there would be a come-uppance at some point but i actually died quietly from a stroke in my armchair while playing a game of chess.
Karma eh, i don't get it.

Americans Stay Over There

Not having much decent 21st Century history to celebrate so far, Americans can now also add banned from visiting England to it's achievements as the US makes the list of places where we we don't want to see it's citizens darkening our doorstep.
Officially it is down to the very high numbers of Covid-19 infections in the country due to the bang up job President Idiot has done over there but the ban only applies to England, Americans can still go to Scotland but to be honest, why would anyone do that voluntarily?
I expect the ban will be lifted either as soon as the infection rate drops to an acceptable level or once every American has caught it and become immune which could be in a few weeks the way they are going but i think this is too good an opportunity to correct a few things before we let the yanks back into our green and pleasant land again.
Firstly, you must be able to pronounce the names of the cities you are visiting. One of the best things about the lock-down in Leicester has been hearing American news channels try to pronounce the city, i am hoping the next lock-downs will be in Gloucester, Durham, Marlborough, Ruislip, Holborn, Chiswick, Lincoln and Dulwich, hours of fun listening to them try to say them places bless them.
Next, understand that England, the United Kingdom and Great Britain are not the same place and unless it's stomachs, backsides or thighs, we don't want to hear how much bigger things are in the States and you can self-promote all you want to in America, but do it here and you will be labelled a Billy Big Bollocks and cruelly mocked.
You will be back on the plane if you call anything awesome, amazing or incredible and would it kill you to tone it down a bit and that goes for clothes and volume and why would you put the month before the day when you write dates, what's the point in that? 
Try to do a British accent or mention your fanny pack and you are outta' here and we have an additional letter in our alphabet, we use the letter 'U', to leave it out just makes you look like proper cnts and remember if you visit between 1 September and 30 November its Autumn, not fall.
Finally, we know we have two taps, ones hot and ones cold, is it really that hard to work out how they work when they are attached to a sink with a plug? 
Take all this on-board and promise to not be quite so 'American' when you get here and we will welcome you back, awesome, y'all have a nice day now.

Special Guest Blogger: Bruce Lee

If there's one thing history has taught us, it's that anyone who picked a fight with me was likely to experience a world of arse-kickery because not wearing a t-shirt and punching people while screaming is probably what i am most well known for.
I came to the USA after getting into many fights back in Hong Kong but after badly beating the son of a triad family, my family packed me off the other side of the World and i ended up on Long Beach at the International Karate Championships but it wasn't my fearsome karate skills that got peoples attention, it was my two-finger push-ups and my famous 'One inch punch'.
I played a few bit parts before starring in my own films as a Kung Fu King where i got paid to punch and kick people.
In Enter the Dragon, my co-star Robert Wall accidentally cut my arm with a bottle which meant i had to go to hospital for stitches and filming was held up while i healed.
After we went back to re-shoot the scene, the part where i was supposed to take out Wall with a kick, i gave it some extra welly and sent him flying back into one of the extras and broke his arm, i kicked that dude so hard, i broke another person's bones.
My death had all sorts of weirdness connected with it, it was reported that my brain swelled due to me taking a painkiller but i only taken that painkiller because i had a massive headache which was because my brain was swelling.
My legacy would be causing a 70s fad of all things Kung Fu from films, the TV show and the Carl Douglas song 'Everyone was Kung Fu fighting' which mentions Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung who just happened to be a couple of boys whose arses i kicked, probably, they were all called Chin or Chung something or other.

Special Guest Blogger: William Mullins

Much is made of the fact that when my family and i left the appropriately named Dorking in Surrey, i stacked 126 pairs of shoes in my pack to travel to the New World. It never occurred to me that a fishing rod would have been a much better idea, as a shoes salesman my mind was firmly on the need for comfortable footwear when we got there.
As we believed England was not Holy enough, a bunch of us Bible bashers got together to sail to the New World so i sold up my shoe business and home for £280 and boarded the Mayflower and put the foot comfort of my family above things such as eating or surviving as i assumed God would provide, but did he heck because my poncing off others quickly got old and i died shortly after landing at New Plymouth, literally going from making clogs to popping them.
As befitting a man who dragged his family across the Atlantic Ocean with no food but many pairs of shoes, my will called for the distribution of my remaining goods so my wife, son and daughters were the proud owners of dozen of pairs of shoes and boots which ensured that they were cursing me and gnawing on leather uppers when my wife and son died a month later although the youngest daughter survived as the less well-shoed Pilgrims took her under their wing. 
As we know the Pilgrim's went on to survive and develop America into the gun toting cheeseburger gorging nation we know today with no thanks whatsoever to my reckless disregard in ensuring that my family survived.

Special Guest Blogger: Ronnie van Zant

When guitarist Allen Collins first saw me he hid up a tree to avoid me, i was only going to ask him to join a band i was getting together but such was my reputation for giving atomic wedgies and chinese burns, that he crapped himself.
Our first band we called My Backyard and then we changed it to The One Percent but after the millionth taunt of '1% talent' we changed it to Lynyrd Skynyrd after our gym teacher Leonard Skinner who kept on at us to get our haircut.
We got our big break as the starting act for the Who but my being an idiot kid carried on to being an idiot adult and i bullied our first drummer so much that he had a nervous breakdown and threw the hotel cat out the fourth floor window of the place we were staying.
I was regularly drunk and getting into brawls but the boys in the rest of the band were just as bad, two of them were in hospital at the same time while we were recording our second album after both having drunken car accidents but it was the plane accident which really got us noted.
I always said i would die before i was 30, i even told the crowd in Scotland that i was 29 and they won't see me again but that wasn't anything to do with my premonition, i just hated Scotland, too bloody cold and they eat Haggis and you don't want to know what goes into that. 
We were promoting our album, Street Survivors at the time, and in a classic piece of timing the album cover was the band standing amidst a massive ball of flames. 
Our plane was carrying us from South Carolina to Louisiana but it ran out of fuel and the pilot told us to brace for a crash because holding your head in your hands when you fall a couple of thousand feet out the sky is really going to help so i took the last few seconds shaking the hands of my bandmates before the plane hit a tree and killed three of the band and both pilots and our manager in a perfect depiction of our album cover.
My brother is now lead singer in what's left of the band, seems most of them are up here with me but i can't find Allen Collins but i bet he wished he stayed up that tree that morning.