If you boast a client list which includes Cher, Rod Stewart, Matt Dillon and Tom Cruise then you must be onto something so here are the results of just how close Psychic Nikki 2018 predictions were.
Fire/explosion at the New York Times Newspaper x
Explosion at Penn Station in New York City x
Donald Trump Impeachment x
America will attack North Korea x
A blimp will explode in the U.S. x
Terrorist attack in Oslo, Norway x
A space ship lands and take hostages x
A member of the royal family will be kidnapped x
Island of Malta almost destroyed by an earthquake x
A movie star will be killed by a shark x
A change in the Monarchy in England x
Israel and Iran attack each other x
A huge heist at the Louvre in Paris x
Elton John and David Furnish will split up x
Kim Kardashian and Kayne West will split x
David Beckham will split from his wife, Victoria x
The Rock has a Motorcycle accident x
Category 5 hurricane wipes out Miami x
An assassination attempt on the Queen x
Nikki did say that an earthquake would hit the British Isles and we did have a few small quakes due to fracking so she got that right but the less said about the others the better because Rod Stewart and Cher may want to look elsewhere for their psychic kicks.
Monday, 31 December 2018
2018 Father Time & The Grim Reaper
Old Father Time leant his scythe against the bench and sat down wearily and as he was removing his 2018 sash the Grim Reaper walked up the pathway to join him.
'Hiya Time' he said cheerily as he sat down beside him, 'So how was 2018 for you?' he asked digging into the pocket of his cloak and taking out a cigarette.
'Usual stuff with the sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time, 'How was your year? Reap anyone interesting?
Death lit the cigarette and blew out a plume of grey smoke before saying: 'Let's see, there was usual the hundred of thousands of war related deaths but celebrity wise, i got Burt Reynolds, Aretha Franklin, the dad out of Frasier, Stephen Hawking, Dale Winton, Eric Bristow, Leslie Grantham, Peter Stringfellow, Barry Chuckle, Pete Shelly and George Bush'.
'George Bush?'
'Yep, not the retarded cowboy one, his father'
'Oh, that one'
'They have Donald Trump though so i'm not worried about running out of work anytime soon' chuckled Death 'so what was going on in 2018?'
'You will be glad to hear that after the school shooting in Florida, America decided to bravely do nothing about it'.
'Good old America, if they are not blowing up somewhere else they are shooting each other, would warm my heart if i had one' said Death 'although i did get worried when Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un met up, no WW3 for me now i thought'.
'Indeed' nodded Father Time wistfully.
'Although Trump and the UK has been a bit of a let down on the war front this year' said the Reaper, 'Saudi Arabia have really stepped up to the plate and are not only carpet bombing Yemen civilians but they killed that journalist in Turkey and i can always rely on a steady stream of dead Palestinians courtesy of Israel'.
'The UK have been obsessed with Brexit' said Time 'although there was a Royal Baby whose name nobody can remember and the ginger one married an American celebrity/actress/divorcee'
'Nice' nodded Death stubbing out his cigarette on the arm of the bench 'so how's 2019 shaping up? Global Warming still going ahead unheeded i notice, lucky me'
'Usual stuff i expect with even more sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time reaching over to pick up the shiny, new 2019 sash and pulling it over his head.
'How's next year looking for you' he asked Death who smiled and opened his notepad and held it up to Time to read.
He glanced down the full list of names of the soon to be reaped and opened his eyes wide when he got to August.
'Really? he asked 'That many in one month?'
'Yep, busy, busy, busy, oh well, no rest for the wicked, same time next year pal' and picking up his scythe, he walked away whistling the tune of Knocking On Heavens Door.
'Hiya Time' he said cheerily as he sat down beside him, 'So how was 2018 for you?' he asked digging into the pocket of his cloak and taking out a cigarette.
'Usual stuff with the sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time, 'How was your year? Reap anyone interesting?
Death lit the cigarette and blew out a plume of grey smoke before saying: 'Let's see, there was usual the hundred of thousands of war related deaths but celebrity wise, i got Burt Reynolds, Aretha Franklin, the dad out of Frasier, Stephen Hawking, Dale Winton, Eric Bristow, Leslie Grantham, Peter Stringfellow, Barry Chuckle, Pete Shelly and George Bush'.
'George Bush?'
'Yep, not the retarded cowboy one, his father'
'Oh, that one'
'They have Donald Trump though so i'm not worried about running out of work anytime soon' chuckled Death 'so what was going on in 2018?'
'You will be glad to hear that after the school shooting in Florida, America decided to bravely do nothing about it'.
'Good old America, if they are not blowing up somewhere else they are shooting each other, would warm my heart if i had one' said Death 'although i did get worried when Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un met up, no WW3 for me now i thought'.
'Indeed' nodded Father Time wistfully.
'Although Trump and the UK has been a bit of a let down on the war front this year' said the Reaper, 'Saudi Arabia have really stepped up to the plate and are not only carpet bombing Yemen civilians but they killed that journalist in Turkey and i can always rely on a steady stream of dead Palestinians courtesy of Israel'.
'The UK have been obsessed with Brexit' said Time 'although there was a Royal Baby whose name nobody can remember and the ginger one married an American celebrity/actress/divorcee'
'Nice' nodded Death stubbing out his cigarette on the arm of the bench 'so how's 2019 shaping up? Global Warming still going ahead unheeded i notice, lucky me'
'Usual stuff i expect with even more sex scandals, wars, murders and stupid World Leaders' sighed Time reaching over to pick up the shiny, new 2019 sash and pulling it over his head.
'How's next year looking for you' he asked Death who smiled and opened his notepad and held it up to Time to read.
He glanced down the full list of names of the soon to be reaped and opened his eyes wide when he got to August.
'Really? he asked 'That many in one month?'
'Yep, busy, busy, busy, oh well, no rest for the wicked, same time next year pal' and picking up his scythe, he walked away whistling the tune of Knocking On Heavens Door.
Sunday, 30 December 2018
What To Do With Unwanted Presents
While i am very much on board with the idea that when it comes to Christmas Presents it's the thought that counts, the phrase you really shouldn't have can trip easily off the tongue and thoughts turn to what time does the Charity Shop open.
Sometimes you get the receipt included and it is a short trip to the shop the present came from to exchange it for something that better suits our tastes but if you don't have the receipt, or the desire to trek into town to queue for an exchange, other alternatives are available including donating, recycling, swapping or regifting.
Regifting can be a minefield and everyone has a story of rewrapping a present for someone only to realise too late that it was them who gave it to you in the first place.
There is also the ethics of what to do with unwanted presents such as looking your sister in the eye when you pretend you love those pink, crushed velvet pyjamas she got you in the knowledge that you took them back and swapped them for a pair of headphones on Boxing Day.
I don't know if there is a respectable length of time is to hang on to a present before passing it on but i will give it at least until February before i take the Alan Carr DVD i received to the charity shop to ruin the life of someone less fortunate.
Sometimes you get the receipt included and it is a short trip to the shop the present came from to exchange it for something that better suits our tastes but if you don't have the receipt, or the desire to trek into town to queue for an exchange, other alternatives are available including donating, recycling, swapping or regifting.
Regifting can be a minefield and everyone has a story of rewrapping a present for someone only to realise too late that it was them who gave it to you in the first place.
There is also the ethics of what to do with unwanted presents such as looking your sister in the eye when you pretend you love those pink, crushed velvet pyjamas she got you in the knowledge that you took them back and swapped them for a pair of headphones on Boxing Day.
I don't know if there is a respectable length of time is to hang on to a present before passing it on but i will give it at least until February before i take the Alan Carr DVD i received to the charity shop to ruin the life of someone less fortunate.
Friday, 28 December 2018
Science Trying To Save Planet
It seems safe to say that our Politicians are not up to the job of sorting out our warming planet so we are living in hope that Science as usual comes up with a way to get us out of the hole we have got ourselves into before we all fry or float away on flood water and Harvard have come up with a plan, well a sort of plan anyway.
Using the notion that our Star is going to continue beaming down sunshine on us whatever we do, they are preparing to test dimming the sun by sending a balloon into the skies over the southwest United States and releasing a chalky material to bounce the sun’s heat back into space.
Basing their idea on historic massive volcanic eruptions which throw sulphur dioxide gas into the stratosphere which then bounces back so much of the sun’s light that the Earth’s average temperature dips.
Sounds good in theory but other scientists are warning that while the sulphur dioxide does cut the sun rays from hitting the ground, it also boosts levels of harmful ultraviolet light because of its effect on the ozone layer, which normally protects us from this radiation.
The first tests in the new year will release ice into the stratosphere from the balloon and then move onto small amounts of calcium carbonate dust, and possibly other materials to study their ability to bounce back sunlight.
The additional problem is if Science does find a way to stop the Earth warming, politicians will take it as a red light to not do anything to stop Global Warming and reduce the impact of CO2 levels in the atmosphere.
We have got ourselves in a mess and the only solution is to drastically cut the amount of emissions we spew into the atmosphere but at least Science is trying to do something which is more than the politicians who are doing less than butkus.
Using the notion that our Star is going to continue beaming down sunshine on us whatever we do, they are preparing to test dimming the sun by sending a balloon into the skies over the southwest United States and releasing a chalky material to bounce the sun’s heat back into space.
Basing their idea on historic massive volcanic eruptions which throw sulphur dioxide gas into the stratosphere which then bounces back so much of the sun’s light that the Earth’s average temperature dips.
Sounds good in theory but other scientists are warning that while the sulphur dioxide does cut the sun rays from hitting the ground, it also boosts levels of harmful ultraviolet light because of its effect on the ozone layer, which normally protects us from this radiation.
The first tests in the new year will release ice into the stratosphere from the balloon and then move onto small amounts of calcium carbonate dust, and possibly other materials to study their ability to bounce back sunlight.
The additional problem is if Science does find a way to stop the Earth warming, politicians will take it as a red light to not do anything to stop Global Warming and reduce the impact of CO2 levels in the atmosphere.
We have got ourselves in a mess and the only solution is to drastically cut the amount of emissions we spew into the atmosphere but at least Science is trying to do something which is more than the politicians who are doing less than butkus.
Another Fine Mess For Bowler Hats
I don't know if it is a Midlands thing only but over the Christmas i saw a few people wearing bowler hats, admittedly they were young hipster types and i imagine they thought they looked cool but my mind went straight to 'he looks like Stan Laurel'.
Since coming back South i haven't seen any of the bowl shaped fashion items balanced on youngsters heads i'm glad to say because with the exception of the top hat, the Bowler is not a great look.
It's not for nothing that they spent years in the sartorial wilderness and even bankers who find braces and pinstripes appealing have left the Bowler in the 1970's where it belongs but the youth of today probably don't know about Laurel and Hardy.
Or the apple-faced Magritte, or Hercule Poirot or the Tintin books detectives Thomson and Thompson, A Clockwork Orange's Alex DeLarge and Bond villain Oddjob who all favoured the bowl shaped hat.
Admittedly Oddjob did use his to decapitate people but the rest are not people you would go out of your way to want to look like but that said, it is still better than the baseball cap which only American tourists in loud shirts and nobody over 16 anywhere else should be wearing.
Since coming back South i haven't seen any of the bowl shaped fashion items balanced on youngsters heads i'm glad to say because with the exception of the top hat, the Bowler is not a great look.
It's not for nothing that they spent years in the sartorial wilderness and even bankers who find braces and pinstripes appealing have left the Bowler in the 1970's where it belongs but the youth of today probably don't know about Laurel and Hardy.
Or the apple-faced Magritte, or Hercule Poirot or the Tintin books detectives Thomson and Thompson, A Clockwork Orange's Alex DeLarge and Bond villain Oddjob who all favoured the bowl shaped hat.
Admittedly Oddjob did use his to decapitate people but the rest are not people you would go out of your way to want to look like but that said, it is still better than the baseball cap which only American tourists in loud shirts and nobody over 16 anywhere else should be wearing.
Monday, 24 December 2018
Special Guest Blogger: Father Christmas
Hello, boys and girls. As you might imagine, this is a very busy time of year for Santa and the last thing i need to be doing is squeezing in writing a blog post but i have been promising Lucy for the last few years i would do one so here it is before i finish off the shopping and Christmas shopping here in the North Pole area is not exactly easy. We've got a Poundland and a Sports Direct but that's about it.
One of the questions i get asked the most is 'What the worst thing about being Santa?' Well the hours aren't great and the three million mince pies in one evening doesn't do my sugar levels or waistline any favours but getting my hands on coal for the naughty kids is getting tougher, global warming and all that.
Being the North Pole, we see the climate changes here more than most so where we once had snow right up to the window sills, the ice and snow has retreated further than ever but the good news is i found my bike again.
Another new problem is crossing into America to deliver presents, especially with the Orange Grinch in control. Last year three of my elves got put into a metal cage in an immigration camp while crossing at the Mexican border. Took Mrs Claus three days to prove to Immigration Officials that they weren't children and were not trying to claim asylum.
One final thing that grates is that everyone calls me something different. To make it clear, Father Christmas is the office i hold while Santa Claus is my name so i'm not sure why people started calling me St Nicholas, Père Noël, Sinterklaas, Papa Noel, Babbo Natale Christmas Man or Kris Kringle and anyone who calls me Santa Baby is going to find an extra large lump of coal in their stocking.
On the upside, the global recession has meant smaller lists and therefore a lighter sack so Mrs Claus doesn't spend all of January rubbing Deep Heat into my sore back so Ho, Ho, Ho and make sure you are all in bed before i arrive this Christmas Eve and if you could maybe leave a satsuma rather than a mince pie this year it would be much appreciated.
One of the questions i get asked the most is 'What the worst thing about being Santa?' Well the hours aren't great and the three million mince pies in one evening doesn't do my sugar levels or waistline any favours but getting my hands on coal for the naughty kids is getting tougher, global warming and all that.
Being the North Pole, we see the climate changes here more than most so where we once had snow right up to the window sills, the ice and snow has retreated further than ever but the good news is i found my bike again.
Another new problem is crossing into America to deliver presents, especially with the Orange Grinch in control. Last year three of my elves got put into a metal cage in an immigration camp while crossing at the Mexican border. Took Mrs Claus three days to prove to Immigration Officials that they weren't children and were not trying to claim asylum.
One final thing that grates is that everyone calls me something different. To make it clear, Father Christmas is the office i hold while Santa Claus is my name so i'm not sure why people started calling me St Nicholas, Père Noël, Sinterklaas, Papa Noel, Babbo Natale Christmas Man or Kris Kringle and anyone who calls me Santa Baby is going to find an extra large lump of coal in their stocking.
On the upside, the global recession has meant smaller lists and therefore a lighter sack so Mrs Claus doesn't spend all of January rubbing Deep Heat into my sore back so Ho, Ho, Ho and make sure you are all in bed before i arrive this Christmas Eve and if you could maybe leave a satsuma rather than a mince pie this year it would be much appreciated.
Sunday, 23 December 2018
Special Guest Blogger: Melchior Of The Three Wise Men
Anyone who knows their theology will know that three wise men turning up with presents is quite an old tradition, we popped up in earlier religions also at the birth of Buddha, Crishna, Rama and Confucius so when we heard of yet another saviour turning up in Judea, Belthazar, Gaspar and myself, Melchior, began to make arrangements.
First we brainstormed baby gifts but we hadn't been given much notice and it was early closing today so all we could get was some Frankincense (buy one get one free so that's also mums birthday present sorted). Gaspar says he had some Myrrh hanging around that he wouldn't ever use so he will give it that. Gold is always handy so we grabbed some of that as well.
Then we made the travel arrangements, obviously camel, but Gaspar's had been stolen but mine was a two seater so we packed the presents and set off in the general direction of Judea.
When we got there the place was a bit of a pigsty, literally, there were angels being chased by cows and the poor kid was in a food trough and an annoyed looking sheep was nibbling at the baby's blankets.
When you have seen one saviours birth you have seen them all so we left the presents by the door and quickly left them to it leaving the sounds of Mary shouting 'Oi, what am i supposed to do with 2lbs of Myyrh' behind us.
Despite the start, i'm glad things turned out okay for the kid, the Romans nailing him to a cross thing aside, but things have been a bit quiet on the 'birth of saviours' front recently but the three of us are always available for nativities, birthday parties and hen nights.
First we brainstormed baby gifts but we hadn't been given much notice and it was early closing today so all we could get was some Frankincense (buy one get one free so that's also mums birthday present sorted). Gaspar says he had some Myrrh hanging around that he wouldn't ever use so he will give it that. Gold is always handy so we grabbed some of that as well.
Then we made the travel arrangements, obviously camel, but Gaspar's had been stolen but mine was a two seater so we packed the presents and set off in the general direction of Judea.
When we got there the place was a bit of a pigsty, literally, there were angels being chased by cows and the poor kid was in a food trough and an annoyed looking sheep was nibbling at the baby's blankets.
When you have seen one saviours birth you have seen them all so we left the presents by the door and quickly left them to it leaving the sounds of Mary shouting 'Oi, what am i supposed to do with 2lbs of Myyrh' behind us.
Despite the start, i'm glad things turned out okay for the kid, the Romans nailing him to a cross thing aside, but things have been a bit quiet on the 'birth of saviours' front recently but the three of us are always available for nativities, birthday parties and hen nights.
Saturday, 22 December 2018
Special Guest Blogger: Chief Elf Snowball McTwinkle
If asked, i would say officially that my main role is making sure that all the toys are made, packaged and on the sleigh in time for Santa to do his rounds on Christmas Eve but unofficially i see my main role as Chief Elf is making sure that my fellow Elf's (or Non-Standard Height Workers as we liked to be known) are treated correctly by the big man.
For example, this year i balloted my workers for strike action over Santa's plans to change the break time meals of candy, cakes and cookies to a healthier diet of vegetables and fruit due to the costs of treating our Type 2 Diabetes but Santa soon backed down when Mrs Claus pointed out that he didn't pay us anyway and stepping over Elf's in a diabetic coma was a small price to keep the children of the World happy.
Santa, you see, comes across as a jolly, benevolent fellow but in the workshop, away from the eyes of the World, he is a tyrant but really, it wasn't that hard to work out, he is a big fat guy with a bushy white beard. Remind you of anyone, maybe one of the Marx family?
Then there was the red suit and the giving stuff away and not selling it for a massive mark-up, it isn't brain brain surgery people, it's all about redistributing the toys.
The less subtle clues were the fact that 'Ho, Ho, Ho' is Latin for 'Workers of the World Unite' and if you play the chorus of 'White Christmas' backwards you can clearly hear the phrase 'From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs' repeated over and over.
Then there is the list of all the boys and girls and who are either in the system (nice) in which case there are richly rewarded with presents or outside of it (naughty) and they get nothing.
So yes, for all those who have suspected that we has been brazenly feeding Marxism to the innocent, capitalist offspring, you are right so, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout and i'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town and he is carrying a hammer and sickle comrade.
For example, this year i balloted my workers for strike action over Santa's plans to change the break time meals of candy, cakes and cookies to a healthier diet of vegetables and fruit due to the costs of treating our Type 2 Diabetes but Santa soon backed down when Mrs Claus pointed out that he didn't pay us anyway and stepping over Elf's in a diabetic coma was a small price to keep the children of the World happy.
Santa, you see, comes across as a jolly, benevolent fellow but in the workshop, away from the eyes of the World, he is a tyrant but really, it wasn't that hard to work out, he is a big fat guy with a bushy white beard. Remind you of anyone, maybe one of the Marx family?
Then there was the red suit and the giving stuff away and not selling it for a massive mark-up, it isn't brain brain surgery people, it's all about redistributing the toys.
The less subtle clues were the fact that 'Ho, Ho, Ho' is Latin for 'Workers of the World Unite' and if you play the chorus of 'White Christmas' backwards you can clearly hear the phrase 'From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs' repeated over and over.
Then there is the list of all the boys and girls and who are either in the system (nice) in which case there are richly rewarded with presents or outside of it (naughty) and they get nothing.
So yes, for all those who have suspected that we has been brazenly feeding Marxism to the innocent, capitalist offspring, you are right so, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout and i'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town and he is carrying a hammer and sickle comrade.
Friday, 21 December 2018
Special Guest Blogger: Saint Nicholas
The last thing i want is to come across as grumpy, sure i appreciate the whole Christmas thing but in my lifetime i received a visit from the Virgin Mary herself, brought back to life dead children, calmed a storm at sea, saved innocent soldiers from execution and chopped down a demon possessed tree but mention the name Saint Nicholas and all i'm remembered for is throwing some coins into some prostitutes socks.
To make things even worse it led to the story of the jolly fat guy in the red suit who would replace my boss's kid as the face of Christmas and i'm not jolly or fat and wouldn't be seen dead in a red suit, i was always more of a grey smock guy.
At least the Beach Boys remembered me although at 5ft in my stockinged feet the 'Little Saint Nick' was a bit of a dig, you try clambering up on rooftops when your 5ft tall, not easy i tell you.
Anyway, at least i'm remembered all these years later, remember Saint Agathangels? Nope? There you go then, it's George, Valentine and me and i invented Christmas so that beats fighting dragons and zinging arrows into people butts.
As thanks for giving the World Christmas and Santa, they made me the Patron Saint of Portsmouth and Liverpool for crying out loud. I know i'm a Saint with a hotline to the Big Guy but anyone who has been to either of those places know even i couldn't conjure up enough of a miracle for them, if i had known at the time i would have kept off the roofs and kept my coins in my pocket.
Still, enjoy the holidays that i gave you and when you think of Christmas remember me, the man who gave money to sex workers who then morphed into a fat guy with gout and high blood pressure who comes into your bedroom when your asleep and leaves you presents which isn't creepy at all.
Right, where's my axe, that Elm Tree in the back yard has been speaking in tongues again.
To make things even worse it led to the story of the jolly fat guy in the red suit who would replace my boss's kid as the face of Christmas and i'm not jolly or fat and wouldn't be seen dead in a red suit, i was always more of a grey smock guy.
At least the Beach Boys remembered me although at 5ft in my stockinged feet the 'Little Saint Nick' was a bit of a dig, you try clambering up on rooftops when your 5ft tall, not easy i tell you.
Anyway, at least i'm remembered all these years later, remember Saint Agathangels? Nope? There you go then, it's George, Valentine and me and i invented Christmas so that beats fighting dragons and zinging arrows into people butts.
As thanks for giving the World Christmas and Santa, they made me the Patron Saint of Portsmouth and Liverpool for crying out loud. I know i'm a Saint with a hotline to the Big Guy but anyone who has been to either of those places know even i couldn't conjure up enough of a miracle for them, if i had known at the time i would have kept off the roofs and kept my coins in my pocket.
Still, enjoy the holidays that i gave you and when you think of Christmas remember me, the man who gave money to sex workers who then morphed into a fat guy with gout and high blood pressure who comes into your bedroom when your asleep and leaves you presents which isn't creepy at all.
Right, where's my axe, that Elm Tree in the back yard has been speaking in tongues again.
Thursday, 20 December 2018
For some reason i am getting emails from people leaving me messages and trying to contact me on LinkedIn.
As far as i am aware i have never joined, signed up or registered with LinkedIn so the LucyP on LinkedIn is not me so don't bother contacting me through it.
Anyone who wants to contact me can email me at the address in the contact page on the profile section of this blog but i certainly won't be able to reply through LinkedIn.
As far as i am aware i have never joined, signed up or registered with LinkedIn so the LucyP on LinkedIn is not me so don't bother contacting me through it.
Anyone who wants to contact me can email me at the address in the contact page on the profile section of this blog but i certainly won't be able to reply through LinkedIn.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)