Baldness Cures From History

When i was a kid we would sing 'Baldy Baldy Over There, what's it like to have no hair, is it hot or is it cold, what's it like to be bald?' but i wouldn't dream of singing it to anyone bald now, shout out slaphead of course, but i wouldn't sing to them.
Luckily the only thing us women have to worry about with our hair is to make sure the wind doesn't blow it into a Farah Fawcett style 70's flick but some men are not so lucky and would do anything to not feel the wind on their spreading bald patch.
There have been many 'hair growth breakthroughs' but none seem to work but history has a long list of tried and tested methods to restore hair.
The Egyptians treated baldness by applying a balm consisting of the mixed fats of lion, hippo, crocodile, cat, serpent, and ibex and Cleopatra devised a remedy of ground mice and horse teeth for her lover Julius Caesar but it obviously didn't work as he continued to wear a laurel wreath to hide it.
Hippocrates hit upon the cure consisting of pigeon droppings, opium, beetroot, horseradish, and spices to but when it failed to work he recommended castration noticing that that eunuchs never lost their hair.
In traditional Indian medicine, cow urine was rubbed into the bald patch while the British went for rubbing tea and lemon into their thinning locks, what is it with the British and their tea??
The fountain of all knowledge that is the internet has solutions including bull semen which is rich in protein which helps to stimulate hair growth but if you don't fancy a head full of sperm then there is always a paste made from chilli peppers which is popular in Korea and Kim Jong Un has a lovely head of hair.
Onion juice is apparently another cure as it cleanses the scalp of growth inhibitors but the most popular is yeast infection cream with the active ingredient miconazole nitrate, an antifungal agent.
If you are a baldy then you have nothing to lose by trying them all (maybe not the eunuch one) and if you want to sneak into your wifes medicine cabinet so you can slather her thrush cream on your head, that’s up to you.