Special Guest Blogger: Greek God Pan

In some pictures you see i may be copulating with a goat, in others a human woman but i was half of each so i would hit either, i wasn't fussed.
The goat was on my Fathers side, not Odysseus, one of the other 108 that my mother got it on with, probably the one who went in the meadow and ate some grass afterwards but us Greek God's, we would nail anything that wasn't..well..actually, even then, we just didn't care. Nymphs at orgies with flutes. That sort of thing. You get the picture.
With the hind legs and horns of a goat and the top half of a human, my domain was mostly shepherds, flocks and hunters but i was also a fertility symbol with a ravenous sexual appetite (A god of sex and sheep. What does that tell you about the ancient Greeks?) and if it moved i played hide the sausage with it although the nymph Syrinx wasn't impressed, she ran away when i asked if she up for some bow chicka bow wow and her sisters turned her into a reed which led to me creating the Pan Pipes from her.
Echo, another nymph, also refused me but i had her killed, i got a bunch of shepherds to rip her to pieces but that wasn't the only time everyone's favorite sex-pest was rejected. I know, what is wrong with these women, my lower half was a goat for crying out loud!!!!
Pity her name was and the God's turned her into a Pine Tree to escape me, not that it stopped me, lots of knot holes in Pine Trees if you catch my drift.
I was a God with his hooves firmly placed on the ground, so much so that the Romans renamed me Faunus but all that bumping uglies along with the sexual ecstasy, incest, murder and cannibalism upset the Christian's who made this horny old goat with my cloven hooves and horns the blueprint for popular conceptions of their Devil and you know the Devil has all the best tunes and you haven't lived until you have heard my banging solo in 'Flight of Icarus' on the Pan Pipes.

Special Guest Blogger: Roger Moore

My first steps into the world of Entertainment was as an apprentice cartoonist but that didn't last long after i accidentally ruined some animation cels, and the company i worked for wasn’t big on second chances and fired me on the spot.
My father was a policeman and my big break came when the house of director Brian Desmond Hurst got burgled and my dad was put on the case and one day he mentioned that his son was looking into getting into movies and the Director told him to get me along to the studio and he would put me in his upcoming film Caesar and Cleopatra as an extra standing at the back holding a spear somewhere.
At 6’4 with golden hair and deep blue eyes, i got quite a bit of attention from the females on set and seeing how popular i was with the ladies, Hurst decided to offer me the chance to go to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts (RADA) to learn the acting chops i would need.
I didn't last long there but i met and married wife number 1, Doorn Van Steyn, but after my career didn't go anywhere we had a blazing row and she threw a teapot at my head so i decided she may not be the best choice as a spouse and left her.
I then met wife 2, Dorothy Squires, who was a famous singer and introduced me to all the right people and my career started taking off with roles in film and television. Meanwhile, Squires’ career declined and she never threw any teapots, opting for a guitar instead which she smashed over my head.
When i met wife number 3, Luisa Mattioli, wife number two didn't take it very well and threw a brick through my living room window but amidst glazier invoices came a letter asking me to try out for the role of secret agent Simon Templar in The Saint.
It was such a hit that when the role of James Bond came along i snapped it up as long as they never made me run, i ran like a lanky giraffe and they agreed to use a body double if i ever had to run on film.
I made seven Bond films in total then went on to become a UNICEF’s Goodwill Ambassador and leave wife number 3 for wife number 4 and she hit me with a £10 million divorce settlement which at least wasn't a guitar or teapot but i managed to stay with this one until i died of prostate cancer at the age of 89.

Special Guest Blogger: Emperor Wanli

History books are generally full of historical figures who are remembered for what they do, but i became famous for what i didn’t do.
My father was the Longqing Emperor of the Ming Dynasty but he didn’t really have much to teach me about all things royal as he died when i was 10 but he prepared for his untimely demise by commissioning Zhang Juzheng as a sort of mentor to take on the responsibilities of the emperor until i was old enough.
Juzheng taught me everything a young emperor needed to know: useful things like horseback riding, archery, and writing calligraphy and he did a great job as stand in Emperor, somehow managed to fix all the societal problems at the time, and staying way under budget.
He also improved the economy, the military and even started a cultural renaissance all under my name and at 19 he died and i stepped up to become Emperor so i looked around my country and saw all the great things my mentor had done and decided i didn't need to do anything so left them to it.
I filled my time marrying and then knocking around with my consorts, one called Zheng who i promised that the son she’d had with me would be the next emperor. The only problem was another one of my consorts had already given me a male heir and the rules stated that he would be the next emperor.
My officials made it clear Zheng's boy wouldn't inherit my role and the people got angry and they hurled insults at me so i said right then, i quit.
I stayed on as emperor but stopped attending to my duties so no more morning meetings, no sit-downs with the ministers and i didn't bother showing up for foreign dignitaries.
After more than 15 years of basically doing nothing as emperor, i gave in and reluctantly agreed to make my first son, Chu Zhangluo, the next emperor which ticked off Zheng no end and she hired a man to kill Chu Zhangluo but he botched it and was captured and spilled the beans on Zheng.
The outraged public demanded a trial but unable to find a judge that would let my girlfriend get away with murder, i made myself the judge and let her off myself.
When i wasn't doing Emperor type things, i discovered morphine, food drink and gained a ton of weight so much i couldn't even stand up and i died of a heart attack after the longest reign of any Ming Dynasty monarch.
My first born son did become emperor but he only lasted a month before dying of a mystery illness given to him by one his maids who were gifted to him by Zheng, she was one sneaky girl that one.

NATO And Russia Same Side Of An Immoral Coin

Before the ridiculous American President with the Orange hue and tiny hands was another ridiculous President who had an equally iffy grip on the English language but while the 45th President was happy to see his own people die, the 43rd one was much more keener on other nations people dying horribly.
As a quick recap, Bush wanted to invade Afghanistan and Iraq but everyone else said woah you nutter and refused to sanction it at the UN so he teamed up with Tony Blair and NATO and long story short, 1m dead Iraqi's and a two decade war in Afghanistan which only just ended in defeat for the might of the 30 nation NATO.
Bush had a handy turn of phrase where he would say you are either with us (as we murder millions for highly dubious reasons) or against us which worked on the more gullible in his own country but over here Tony Blair was much more subtle, he just lied about it but they got their regime change and used NATO to do it.
Spin on 20 years and past the NATO led Libyan and Syrian military invasions and we see Vladimir Putin's Russia throwing his military hardware at Ukraine to overthrow its current ruler and install a more Russian friendly ruler in the neighbouring country.
There is absolutely nothing to admire in any of this so while Russia is rightly castigated for its actions in invading a sovereign nation, it is incredulous that NATO is being held up as some sort of good guy when it is still cleaning off the dust from its latest regime change adventure.
What Russia is doing in Ukraine is abhorrent but then what NATO did in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and Syria was also. Where we see scared Ukrainian children today we saw plenty of scared Iraqi, Afghanistan, Libyan and Syrian children so it isn't one or the other, either Russia or NATO, because that's like deciding whether you want a punch in the head or a kick in the groin, both choices are awful and so are the choices being presented in this conflict and we should reject both because despite how they are being presented, NATO and Putin are the same sides of a regime changing, very immoral coin. 

My Plan To Terraform The Moon

When i was younger i was always confused by other planets moons and couldn't understand why our Moon was named for what it was, wasn't that like calling your child 'Human' which is a ridiculous name but then someone explained it was called Luna and that made sense and kept me happy for a while with Lunar Eclipses and the Astronauts landing on the Lunar Surface but then i realised actually, Luna was the Roman name for the moon after their moon goddess.
So the moon is called Moon which is why it's name is capitalised and a moon is the name of a body circling another Planet although they have proper names like Europa, Phobos, Enceladus, Triton and S/2017 J9 which brings me to the idea of us at some future point going to live on our moon, or the Moon to give it it's proper name.
The first problem is The Moon is too small to hold an atmosphere and has no magnetic field so we would need to terraform it to make it habitable so lets make a plan to do just that.
First, the problem of the missing atmosphere which means we will have to increase the mass of the Moon, the ideal size would be a bit bigger than Mars so if we drag Mars and Mercury over and combine it with the Moon then it would be the right size and have the effect of all that relocation and molten rock heat will give us a magnetic field. Bonus!!
The down side is we will have to wait for the new and improved Moon to cool so we would have to go away, twiddle our thumbs for 60 million years or so and then once its cool enough we can start introducing life forms to photosynthesize a nitrogen/oxygen atmosphere and in 175 million years or so
it will be ready and we can move in, stand in our Lunar Gardens and stare out into the night sky although we would have to redraw our sky-maps because Mars and Mercury wouldn't be there anymore, your standing on them.
All seems a bit of a faff to be honest so how about we just agree to stop making such a mess of the Earth and leave Mars and Mercury where they are?

Special Guest Blogger: Saint Augustine

In the late 6th century, i was pottering around in Rome just doing everyday religious things when Pope Gregory came up with the great idea of sending a group of us to England to convert the whacky Anglo-Saxons from believing whatever nonsense they believed in and start believing in our Christianity instead.
The 6th Century Europe was a great time, we had the shiny new Georgian Calendar, matches had been invented and we were making clothes out of silk so the last thing i wanted to do was travel to rainy old England to try and convert a bunch of smelly Anglo-Saxons so halfway there we got cold feet and decided to turn back.
We sent a messenger saying we were coming back and Gregory sent his own replying no you ain't and that's why two years after we left, we arrived in Kent and were met by King Æthelberht.
Before he could balance our heads on a pike, we held up a silver cross and a panel painted with the image of Christ and said we would bring peace to his land, please don't chop us up and he never, actually was nice about it and gave us some land in Canterbury to use as a base.
Still having a head was the first obstacle passed but we still had to go around and tell the people who built huts out of their own dung that Jesus was the guy for them so we came up with the idea of sneakily allowing all the old, heathen festivals and beliefs to remain intact, but superimpose Jesus and Christianity on them.
It worked a treat because when we rolled up saying you look like a decent British bloke, i'll park the old booties on you if that's okay all they cared about was they could still get drunk as newts and stuff their ugly faces at certain times of the year so they didn't care who it celebrated so gradually, the main heathen feasts became days honouring Christ or one of the Saints who we had ready for any eventuality.
Over several centuries, all the big piss-ups were converted to Christian festivals so Imbolc became Candlemas, Sam-hain on 31 October when the dead relatives popped back for a visit quickly became All Souls’ Night, followed by All Saints’ Day and the 12-day festival of Yule at the end of December became Christmas, the celebration of Christ’s birth although we had to fudge the dates a bit for that one.
However, one festival that was so ancient and so deeply entrenched in the pagan psyche that we didn't dare change the name of was Easter although it became less in celebration of the goddess Eostre and more about Christ being crucified and we quickly mumbled something about the eggs and bunnies being some Jesus related thing.
I did such a good job that i was made the very the first Archbishop of Canterbury and kickstarted the whole rubbing out the original Gods and pasting in our own guy thing.

Gihgihgi Dolphins in 2150

If there are time travellers in the future, they will be avoiding the start of the 21st Century because of the 22 years of it so far, it has been madness.
So far we have seen almost non-stop Wars in Africa, Asia and Europe, a global pandemic, terror attacks, climate Armageddon and a return to the Cold War and the very real threat of a nuclear war so any time machines owners will be looking at history and saying, you know what, i think we'll skip this period and go to the 22nd Century instead.
The worst part about it is that all the catastrophes that have befallen us are man-made, we did it to ourselves like huge numpties and i was going to say to anyone who is 22 and under, it wasn't always like this but on reflection, it was.
I grew up in the 70's and 80's and we had a thing called Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) keeping us safe from nuclear war which was the premise that if anybody started flinging nuclear missiles around, then we would all die so nobody would and as insane as that was, it worked which was lucky because part of 80s schooling was Nuclear War Survival which was pretty much turn your sofa upside down and crawl under it as if a few inches of settee padding above your head would keep you safe from an Atomic bomb.
Pre-2000 we had wars going on everywhere, we left 1999 still cleaning up the debris from the one in former Yugoslavia and the IRA were setting off car bombs in terror attacks, some UK cities have still not replaced the bins which were removed at the time as a precaution.
Unbelievably there were people actually arguing against Climate change in the 80s and 90s which has not only come back to bite them on the backside but wash away their homes also and Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease and AID's were sweeping the world.
So with that said, we may all be moaning WTF NOW!! but we have been saying that since i was a kid so if you are reading this in the year 2150 or beyond, hopefully mankind has learnt the lessons of the past and if we haven't,  Gihgihgihgihgihgih gih gih gih to all the dolphins reading this.

War is Hell, Don't Go

I always thought that a good military exercise should be that anyone who actually wants to go to war should be the very last person we hand a gun to and i couldn't believe the ridiculous comment by Foreign Secretary, Liz Truss, that she backed Brits going to Ukraine to fight Russia and it was good to see it swiftly shot down by the Government as illegal and anyone who does make the trip faces prosecution when, or if, they come back much like those who went to fight with Kurdish militia forces against ISIS in Syria.
Hundreds of young Brits have journeyed down to the Ukrainian embassy including a dog care businessman who told reporters: 'We're young, strong, fit men and we can help, so why not?'
Christ, where to start with why not?
One, you have no military experience and will most likely blow your own stupid foot off first time you fire the gun, secondly, you can't speak the language and can't even read the road signs so how are you going to understand what the hell is going on, thirdly, you are going up against one of the best equipped, most powerful armies on the Planet so there is a very high probability that your trip will be one way and you will die.
War isn't a game, it's appalling and dirty and hideous, it isn't Call of Duty and anyone you do manage to shoot will be dead and that will be on your conscience for the rest of your life, that you actually killed a fellow human being.
It may seem a valiant and noble idea while you are sitting in leafy and safe England but ask anybody who has been to a war zone, seen bodies ripped apart by bombs, bullet or shrapnel, seen dead kids and the distraught parents burying their children, it is horrendous, you cannot unsee those things and it changes you forever.
For the sake of your parents, siblings, friends or just for yourself, don't go, don't be so damned stupid!!

Special Guest Blogger: Hindu Goddess Chinnamasta

When you are a Goddess you can do cool things like grant wishes, create earthquakes or chop off your own head and parade it around while your attendants drink the blood which spurts from the neck stump.
I was the fifth of ten goddesses, the Mahavidyas, from Parvati, the Hindu Mother goddess, and i am usually seen standing on a divine copulating couple holding my own severed head with three jets of blood spurting out of my bleeding neck and being drunk by my own head and two attendants which sounds gruesome but let me explain how that came about.
The Mahavidyas arose when my Mum and Shiva my Dad had an argument and Dad tried to leave but Mum created us ten kids to prevent him from going and we surrounded him in all directions and he was unable to leave.  
My tale begins when i was bathing in a river with two of my attendants but i took so long, Godliness is next to Cleanliness after-all, that we missed dinner and my attendants were going on and on about being hungry and they were not having that i would sort them out food when we got back home so
to shut them up i did what any merciful goddess would do and beheaded myself with my long nails and gave them my blood to satisfy their hunger.
It resulted in my legacy but also being able to hold your own head in your hand without it being joined to your neck is a pretty good Halloween party trick but i came to represent so much more than headless people.
I am used to symbolise the start and end of life as well as sexual self-control as i am standing over the love-deity couple of Kamadeva and his wife Rati who are engaged in copulation, but other religions have tried to muscle in on the headless deity theme but it's mine and i can get quite pissy about and you don't want to mess with someones who other name is Prachanda Chandika, or 'she, who has chopped off her own head'.
I may convey the universal message that life, death, and sex are interdependent and life feeds on death, is nourished by death, necessitates death, and that the ultimate destiny of sex is to perpetuate more life, which in turn will decay and die in order to feed more life but worshiping me comes with a warning that only the very brave or very foolish should do it.
I can bestow upon you everything you ever desired but if i believe that you are not worshiping me properly, i will behead you and drink your blood but give it a whirl because you never know and there's a saying amongst us Mahavidyas that if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Muhammad.

Special Guest Blogger: US Emperor Joshua Norton

Before politicians who believe that drinking bleach is a good idea, it was fair to say that the American Democratic experiment wasn't going well but they decided quite early on that they didn't want a monarch but they got one anyway, me, the United States' first and only monarch.
I was English and started up a business in South Africa but it flopped so i got on a boat bound for the United States and moved to San Francisco where i began to make a fortune in the real estate market and hearing of a rice shortage in China, put all of my money into rice farming and exportation just as the rice famine in China ended which resulted in my bankruptcy so unable to convince the American courts to give me back my money, i took the obvious step of not letting the pesky rice markets ruin my finances by donning a military uniform with a beaver skin hat complete with a peacock feather and declared myself the Emperor of the United States.
I submitted edicts and proclamations to the newspapers such as the United States' dissolution, bridges to be built, streets to be repaired, equal rights for Black Americans and proposed the establishment of some sort of league of nations, decades before the rest of the world came around to the same idea, that sort of thing, nothing was too good for The Empire of Norton I.
Business owners invited me into their establishments and let me eat for free and tailors fixed my regal uniform and Shopkeepers even let me pay in my own imperial currency which was basically a slip of paper with a happy face drawn on it.
My reign as Emperor was tragically cut short after only 29 years when i collapsed and died in the street and some people will argue that i wasn't a real monarch but that's not what my headstone says, reading: 'Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico'.
Oh yeah, did i mention that i decided to be the 'Protector of Mexico' also? Well i was.
I wasn't a terrible Emperor, actually, i was the best one America ever had.