St Patrick's Day Advice

Today is Saint Patrick's day and legend has it that he banished all the snakes from Ireland. Not sure what else he did but the Irish have chosen a glorified pest controller as their patron saint and we should respect it.
We should also respect their choice to celebrate the day wearing a big foam top hat shaped as a pint of Guinness, holding a pint of Guinness in each giant Guinness-sponsored foam mitt and spilling both pints of Guinness down the front of their Guinness St Patrick's Day T-shirt.
Saint Patrick's day seems to be celebrated with much more vigor in America than over here where we show a few Father Ted's and avoid mentioning the potato famine or Bloody Sunday.
With American television being full of celebrating Irishmen and the temptation of many Americans to purchase an Irishman , as the countries closest neighbour, we are best placed to pass on some valuable information on the proper use and care of your Irishman

It is highly recommended that you store your Irishman in a cool, moist space, and DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT. If exposed to sunlight, very bright red discoloration is normal.

If your Irishman experiences trembling, loss of appetite and general unpleasantness, administer liberal amounts of Guinness, Jameson's or Beamish.

You should not use your Irishman if you are in possession of a fertile womb. Improper use may cause severe multiple pregnancies.

Consult your doctor before using an Irishman. Prolonged exposure to an Irishman may cause severe ear-ache about how that Thierry Henry handball cheated them out of the World Cup.

Never combine an Irishman with an Englishman, may cause broken teeth.

We hope that your Irishman brings you many years of enjoyment but if you have any concerns, consult a barman.