Tuesday, 30 April 2013

When I Become President

When i grow up i'm going to become the President of The United States of America and boy will there be some changes when i have my Barbie slippers under the Oval Office desk.
First up, the only thing the cold dead hands will be grasping would be thin air as guns would be licensed and the licence would have to be renewed annually and be set at an exorbitant price and so would the ammunition, i would tax it to high heaven so yes, you are welcome to own a gun but you will have to sell your first born to pay for it.
With that settled i would then ban that American tradition that drives me nuts of applauding after every sentence when someone is speaking. The amount of times i have given up listening to someone speak because the audience are so moved by the oration that they burst into applause whenever a full stop looms up in the conversation. Just let the man finish and then you can clap until your hands bleed for cripes sake.  
Then there is the 'have a nice day' thing which would be gone, gone, gone. While it is perfectly polite, it's just so fake. I imagine myself saying 'well i was going to have a crap day but you have gone and ruined that now, because of you i'm going to have to have a nice day, damn you shop assistant'. Anyone heard to utter the HAND farewell will be legally banned from dealing with customers for a month or until they learn that being so bloody cheerful first thing in the morning when all i am thinking about it how i can make sure my day is going to be crap is unacceptable.
With less Americans being shot, less clapping and no more nice days being said, it would be put to the vote that Hollywood can only make films with either George Clooney, Johnny Depp, David Boreanaz or Brad Pitt in them.
Possibly Kevin Bacon and Steve Martin but definitely not Jim Carey unless he promises not to pull silly faces in them. They also legally have to start remaking Buffy and Angel again with the original cast. I would also reduce the ridiculous amount of advertisement breaks in the TV shows, that must drive you guys crackers especially as i use the advert breaks to make a cuppa, i would wear my kettle out within a week after being there.
Finally, with my popularity blooming and the America voters hoping the law can be changed so i can serve a third term, i would hit them with the letter U being put back into words. Partly because it makes my spellchecker which keeps reverting to American English go into meltdown but mainly because IT'S A VOWEL.
Then, as i am in the death throws of my Presidency and before i leave to live out my time on a ranch in Montana, i would declare those idiotic people who turn up to Evangelist shows and wave their hands about and contribute to the speakers bulging bank balance mentally unsafe and unable to operate heavy machinery until they promise to stop being so silly.
That's my manifesto America, vote for me and never be told to have a nice day ever again. You know it makes sense.


Anonymous said...

because you brits abused us we made a law and you have to be born here to be president...

whyu dou you waunt tou put u iun eveury wourd... iut ius wasteful aund dumb.


Lucy said...

Obama seems to have done okay and he was born in Kenya according to Donald Trump.