I began banging away on the keys at age three, composed a concerto at four, a symphony at eight, and mastered the violin soon thereafter.
My sister Maria Anna was also a prodigy on piano and my Father knew a cash cow when he sired them and said Salzburg was too small for us, and that the world should hear us play so took us both on a concert tour through the courts of Munich, Paris, and London, visiting two hundred cities in the next ten years.
We played all over Europe, and kings and queens came to see us! We were like an early version of the Kardashian Family, except a lot more talented.
By age sixteen, I had picked up musical ideas the world over and had written twenty-five symphonies, I was a melody machine, spinning off operas, string quartets, and sonatas far ahead of their time.
I married Constanze Weber who was from a musical family and she sang like a bird and I wrote several solos for her over the years but some courts and patrons wouldn’t touch me with a fifty-foot cello bow as they considered me arrogant and lazy.
Six hundred works, twenty-one stage and opera compositions, fifteen masses, forty-one symphonies, twelve violin concertos, seventeen piano sonatas, twenty-seven piano concertos, twenty-six string quartets. I'd rather be a lazy genius than talentless dolts like them.
To supplement my income I began teaching, as well as performing in my concertos as conductor and soloist but i did have an expensive lifestyle but luckily I had a fiscally sound wife and Constanze was quite smart when it came to money. Heck, she probably kept us from starving by moving us into a smaller house, got some loans, and negotiated a royalty deal for publications. Loved that woman!
Antonio Salieri, the court composer to the Holy Roman Emperor didn't help as he was jealous of my effortless talents and on several occasions tried to ruin me, he alone made the public despise my opera Le nozze di Figaro.
My last years were spent in Vienna, crafting some of my most brilliant masterpieces and worrying nonstop about our finances as I was spending more than I brought in and my health was rapidly declining and my last piece was a composition called Requiem. Some mysterious Count Chocula type wanted it for his wife’s funeral, and I needed the commission.
Then I got sick with Kidney disease and realised I was basically writing my own requiem but I hear that there is a thing now called 'the Mozart Effect' where parents plays my music to newborn children and think it will make the child smarter which is a great idea, especially if I get a royalty check out of the deal.
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