Special Guest Blogger: Moses

1350 BC was not a great time for the Israelite's. We had been subjugated by a certain Egyptian Pharaoh to a life of bondage and misery. But along came  a Hebrew chap who also happened to be an adopted Egyptian prince, the Great Prophet of Judaism, the leading light of the Israelite's and God's right-hand man, little old me.
Close encounters with God are very rare and as email was still a few millennia away, Yahweh appeared to me in the form of a burning bush on the side of a mountain and issued a rescue plan with me as chief perpetrator. I ask God the kind of personal questions we’d all like the answers to but Yahweh was not entirely forthcoming but it was worth a try.
When God started giving me detailed religio-political instructions for confronting kings and leading an entire nation out of slavery, fair to say I was not overly enthusiastic.
Sure my Princely Egyptian status got me the ear of the Pharaoh, but when it came to 'Let My People Go', the ear was a little hard of hearing.
It was a tough gig I had been handed so i tried to show them that God was all powerful so had a contest with the best wizards but despite me turning sticks into snakes, pulling rabbits from hats and even performed my sawing a Mummy in half trick, they were not impressed.
I conjured up plagues of boils, locusts, frogs, gnats and other nasties with only the Israelite's remaining unscathed and that got the Pharaohs attention and he booted us out into the desert wilderness.
The Jews complained non-stop about the sand in their sandles and the lack of food and water so I went to consult with Yahweh, who provided two stone tablets inscribed with the Ten Commandments.
Many of these rules were practical tips for keeping a society healthy under difficult circumstances but to some it just seemed like an excuse for me to boss them around. Which, to be perfectly honest, I did but i didn't have much choice.  
The Ten commandments may be a good starting point, but they're so negative. Thou shalt not do this and thou shalt not do that. What about things you shalt? Thou shalt have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, for example.
Anyway, after forty years of wandering the desert, the Israelite's finally reached the Promised Land but i didn’t quite make it.
We arrived at Mount Abarim and as we gazed down upon Canaanite, i looked up the Heavens and asked God if i should lead our people into the City.
Expecting something for my lifetime of devoted service but he said nope, neither dead nor alive shalt thou go into the land and God kissing me upon the mouth (bit weird in all honestly), i dropped dead which seems a tad ungrateful but religion is like that, bears may lay down with lambs and princes mix with paupers but to the Big Guy, you are as inconsequential as a speck of dust, but nah, i'm not bitter.