When i was a kid we would sing 'Baldy Baldy Over There, what's it like to have no hair, is it hot or is it cold, what's it like to be bald?' but i wouldn't dream of singing it to anyone bald now, shout out slaphead of course, but i wouldn't sing to them.
Luckily the only thing us women have to worry about with our hair is to make sure the wind doesn't blow it into a Farah Fawcett style 70's flick but some men are not so lucky and would do anything to not feel the wind on their spreading bald patch.
There have been many 'hair growth breakthroughs' but none seem to work but history has a long list of tried and tested methods to restore hair.
The Egyptians treated baldness by applying a balm consisting of the mixed fats of lion, hippo, crocodile, cat, serpent, and ibex and Cleopatra devised a remedy of ground mice and horse teeth for her lover Julius Caesar but it obviously didn't work as he continued to wear a laurel wreath to hide it.
Hippocrates hit upon the cure consisting of pigeon droppings, opium, beetroot, horseradish, and spices to but when it failed to work he recommended castration noticing that that eunuchs never lost their hair.
In traditional Indian medicine, cow urine was rubbed into the bald patch while the British went for rubbing tea and lemon into their thinning locks, what is it with the British and their tea??
The fountain of all knowledge that is the internet has solutions including bull semen which is rich in protein which helps to stimulate hair growth but if you don't fancy a head full of sperm then there is always a paste made from chilli peppers which is popular in Korea and Kim Jong Un has a lovely head of hair.
Onion juice is apparently another cure as it cleanses the scalp of growth inhibitors but the most popular is yeast infection cream with the active ingredient miconazole nitrate, an antifungal agent.
If you are a baldy then you have nothing to lose by trying them all (maybe not the eunuch one) and if you want to sneak into your wifes medicine cabinet so you can slather her thrush cream on your head, that’s up to you.
Thursday, 13 September 2018
Call In The Space Force
Our single star has eight planets circling it and there are 100 billion stars in our galaxy and there are 200 billion galaxies strung out across the Universe and if we say each star has at least four planets orbiting it, well, i don't have enough fingers to work out how many potential planets that is in all but it's a lot and it would be madness to think life wasn't on at least one of them.
Whether they are coming here to take a look at us funny looking carbon based bipeds is another story but the FBI is acting strange or rather stranger than usual anyway.
FBI agents have swooped on a space institution, the Sunspot Solar Observatory, evacuated it and banned from Sun observations for a week and closed off the entire area.
Local police said they had received reports that FBI agents arrived in a Blackhawk helicopter and swooped around the observatory. They would not even tell the local law enforcement why they were there, police said.
The mystery and the observatory's usual work has led to theories across the internet suggesting the shutdown came after scientists spotted something they shouldn't have.
This sound like a job for Donald Trump's Space Force!
Whether they are coming here to take a look at us funny looking carbon based bipeds is another story but the FBI is acting strange or rather stranger than usual anyway.
FBI agents have swooped on a space institution, the Sunspot Solar Observatory, evacuated it and banned from Sun observations for a week and closed off the entire area.
Local police said they had received reports that FBI agents arrived in a Blackhawk helicopter and swooped around the observatory. They would not even tell the local law enforcement why they were there, police said.
The mystery and the observatory's usual work has led to theories across the internet suggesting the shutdown came after scientists spotted something they shouldn't have.
This sound like a job for Donald Trump's Space Force!
Guilty As Charged
The explanation of a sight-seeing trip to Salisbury offered by the two suspects in the Sergei Skripal poisoning for their presence in the area is so implausible that it makes you question just why the Russians chose this flimsy alibi when they could have come up with something far more believable.
The Russian's have made strenuous efforts to challenge the claims made by the UK that thee two were behind the poisoning but after CCTV footage was released, going there for an hour and then leaving because of the snow and maybe happening to pass the Skripal House by accident is beyond weak.
In an interview, the men confirmed they were the people in the CCTV images but they were just there to see: 'it’s famous 123-metre spire, it’s famous for its clock, the first one of its kind ever created in the world, which is still working' and while they were in Salisbury 'maybe approached Skripal’s house, but we didn’t know where it was located'.
British counter-terrorism policing sources have said that they stand by everything they had said in naming two individuals from Russia as being responsible for the attack and listening to the paper thin alibi they have given, they are probably right to.
The Russian's have made strenuous efforts to challenge the claims made by the UK that thee two were behind the poisoning but after CCTV footage was released, going there for an hour and then leaving because of the snow and maybe happening to pass the Skripal House by accident is beyond weak.
In an interview, the men confirmed they were the people in the CCTV images but they were just there to see: 'it’s famous 123-metre spire, it’s famous for its clock, the first one of its kind ever created in the world, which is still working' and while they were in Salisbury 'maybe approached Skripal’s house, but we didn’t know where it was located'.
British counter-terrorism policing sources have said that they stand by everything they had said in naming two individuals from Russia as being responsible for the attack and listening to the paper thin alibi they have given, they are probably right to.
Wednesday, 12 September 2018
Blame The Parents
We like to think that since we were 18 we have matured, become more rounder individuals and wouldn't be seen dead with the haircut we had back then but science has said that something that wouldn't have changed is taste in music because by the time we blow out the candles on our 18th birthday cake, our musical tastes are locked in.
Neuroscientist Daniel Levitin explains that until we hit our 18th year, our brains are still developing and creating neural pathways especially between aged 10 and 18 when the brain is creating the most deepest pathways influenced by what we see and hear and if it's hearing mostly rap and hip hop in those formative years then you are destined for a future of track suits, big chains and saying
stupid things like 'that's dope' to people who will slowly edge away from you.
For me this all rings true, my musical tastes are not so far different to what they where when i was wearing a denim jacket and used food dye to colour my hair.
So if you are reading this while listening to Country and Western and wondering why the hell you like it i would blame your parents for playing Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits on a loop back when you were a teenager and conditioning your brain to enjoy naff songs about pick-up trucks and moonshine sung by men called Billy Bob or Buck.
Neuroscientist Daniel Levitin explains that until we hit our 18th year, our brains are still developing and creating neural pathways especially between aged 10 and 18 when the brain is creating the most deepest pathways influenced by what we see and hear and if it's hearing mostly rap and hip hop in those formative years then you are destined for a future of track suits, big chains and saying
stupid things like 'that's dope' to people who will slowly edge away from you.
For me this all rings true, my musical tastes are not so far different to what they where when i was wearing a denim jacket and used food dye to colour my hair.
So if you are reading this while listening to Country and Western and wondering why the hell you like it i would blame your parents for playing Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits on a loop back when you were a teenager and conditioning your brain to enjoy naff songs about pick-up trucks and moonshine sung by men called Billy Bob or Buck.
How's That Climate Change Denial Working Out Then?
Kinda ironic that the country that has dealt the most damage to the environment and is currently run by a leader who dismisses climate change as a conspiracy theory is about to feel the full force of it when Hurricane Florence and it's 140 mph winds arrive on it's shore.
About 1.7 million people across North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia have been told to leave their homes ahead of the storm's arrival which is expected to dump 40 inches of rain and cause widespread flooding.
The category four storm is currently 520 miles off the coast and strengthening in the warmer than usual waters of the Atlantic and is expected to make landfall on Thursday.
Trump, his supporters and all those wacky climate change deniers are about to get a close up view of exactly what Climate Change looks like.
About 1.7 million people across North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia have been told to leave their homes ahead of the storm's arrival which is expected to dump 40 inches of rain and cause widespread flooding.
The category four storm is currently 520 miles off the coast and strengthening in the warmer than usual waters of the Atlantic and is expected to make landfall on Thursday.
Trump, his supporters and all those wacky climate change deniers are about to get a close up view of exactly what Climate Change looks like.
Next Conservative Leader Runners And Riders
How a secret meeting can be called secret when we all knew about it is beyond me but around 50 MP's met up 'in secret' to discuss just how and when to boot the Prime Minister out of office as the Conservatives tear themselves apart over Brexit.
To force through a vote of no confidence and spark a leadership battle a minimum of 48 letters need to be submitted to the 1922 Committee to trigger a vote and i would assume the required number of letters have been written and now it is just a matter of when they hand them in.
Theresa May has vowed to fight any Tory leadership election but looking at who is set to line up against her, she shouldn't be too worried.
Boris Johnson is the favourite and is equally loved and loathed within his party and his recent split from his wife after yet another extra marital affair has not done him any favours.
Sajid Javid is second favourite but was a firm remainer and to the Brexiters, electing him would be swapping like for like so unlikely to appeal to those pushing the knife into the second female Prime Minister.
Then there is Jacob Rees-Mogg, the man nicknamed as the Minister for the 18th Century as him and his views are so old fashioned which has made him a bit of a cartoon character in many eyes.
The environment secretary, Michael Gove, is fourth favourite and has made no secret of being after the top job and ran against her previously after David Cameron stepped down and famously stabbed Boris Johnson in the back while doing so which didn't enamour him to his party members.
Fifth favourite is Jeremy Hunt but is a recent addition to the hard-Brexit side, previously being a die hard Remainer and was one of the least loved Health Secretaries in history overseeing the running down of the NHS so may be popular with Conservative members but is too disliked in the country to win an election.
The bookies offer long odds on another female Prime Minister in the shape of Penny Mordaunt and Andrea Leadsom but realistically the next Prime Minister will come from the top five men which looking at the list, is not a great proposition but should make winning the next election easier for the Labour Party.
To force through a vote of no confidence and spark a leadership battle a minimum of 48 letters need to be submitted to the 1922 Committee to trigger a vote and i would assume the required number of letters have been written and now it is just a matter of when they hand them in.
Theresa May has vowed to fight any Tory leadership election but looking at who is set to line up against her, she shouldn't be too worried.
Boris Johnson is the favourite and is equally loved and loathed within his party and his recent split from his wife after yet another extra marital affair has not done him any favours.
Sajid Javid is second favourite but was a firm remainer and to the Brexiters, electing him would be swapping like for like so unlikely to appeal to those pushing the knife into the second female Prime Minister.
Then there is Jacob Rees-Mogg, the man nicknamed as the Minister for the 18th Century as him and his views are so old fashioned which has made him a bit of a cartoon character in many eyes.
The environment secretary, Michael Gove, is fourth favourite and has made no secret of being after the top job and ran against her previously after David Cameron stepped down and famously stabbed Boris Johnson in the back while doing so which didn't enamour him to his party members.
Fifth favourite is Jeremy Hunt but is a recent addition to the hard-Brexit side, previously being a die hard Remainer and was one of the least loved Health Secretaries in history overseeing the running down of the NHS so may be popular with Conservative members but is too disliked in the country to win an election.
The bookies offer long odds on another female Prime Minister in the shape of Penny Mordaunt and Andrea Leadsom but realistically the next Prime Minister will come from the top five men which looking at the list, is not a great proposition but should make winning the next election easier for the Labour Party.
Monday, 10 September 2018
Bitchin'
I never really appreciated rap and hip hop back in it's heyday, partly because a big chunky gold chain and a shell suit is not the coolest of combinations, but one of the best lines in music comes from the Run DMC song 'It's Like That' where the boys make the suggestion that 'Next time someones teaching why don't you get taught'.
A great line but apart from a handful of Run DMC songs and few by Grandmaster Flash, rap seemed to have not really been on my radar but the fly psychiatrists at Cambridge University have obviously been paying attention to it because they have come up with a def idea that ‘hip-hop’ therapy could help the depressed and mentally ill.
'Much of hip-hop comes from areas of great socioeconomic deprivation, so it’s inevitable that its lyrics will reflect the issues faced by people brought up in these areas, including poverty, marginalisation, crime and drugs' explained Homeboy Dr Akeem Sule, of the University of Cambridge.
'Hip-hop artists use their skills and talents not only to describe the world they see, but also as a means of breaking free. There’s often a message of hope in amongst the lyrics' and the team have chosen the top three hip-hop songs which they believe can help mental illness.
Not meaning to diss him but i don't know the song 'Juicy' by The Notorious BIG or the Wack sounding J flex ft Lady of R's 1997 buggin 'Lady Heroin' but i am very familiar with 'The
Message' by Grand Master Flash & The Furious Five, mostly because it was used to help kids learn how to cross the road in the 80's (you don't push anyone when they're are close to the edge as i recall).
Music can certainly be very emotive and can stir some deep emotions so the Cambridge boffins are probably on to something and it may be rap music for some and Country and Western for others, another genre of music that i pretty much ignored, but i find listening to Christmas songs at any time of the year a massive lifter.
Hearing 'Merry Christmas Everyone' coming from the CD player in July while waving my hands in the air like i just don't care also serves as a great warning sign to others that it probably isn't the best time to ask for a favour. Word.
A great line but apart from a handful of Run DMC songs and few by Grandmaster Flash, rap seemed to have not really been on my radar but the fly psychiatrists at Cambridge University have obviously been paying attention to it because they have come up with a def idea that ‘hip-hop’ therapy could help the depressed and mentally ill.
'Much of hip-hop comes from areas of great socioeconomic deprivation, so it’s inevitable that its lyrics will reflect the issues faced by people brought up in these areas, including poverty, marginalisation, crime and drugs' explained Homeboy Dr Akeem Sule, of the University of Cambridge.
'Hip-hop artists use their skills and talents not only to describe the world they see, but also as a means of breaking free. There’s often a message of hope in amongst the lyrics' and the team have chosen the top three hip-hop songs which they believe can help mental illness.
Not meaning to diss him but i don't know the song 'Juicy' by The Notorious BIG or the Wack sounding J flex ft Lady of R's 1997 buggin 'Lady Heroin' but i am very familiar with 'The
Message' by Grand Master Flash & The Furious Five, mostly because it was used to help kids learn how to cross the road in the 80's (you don't push anyone when they're are close to the edge as i recall).
Music can certainly be very emotive and can stir some deep emotions so the Cambridge boffins are probably on to something and it may be rap music for some and Country and Western for others, another genre of music that i pretty much ignored, but i find listening to Christmas songs at any time of the year a massive lifter.
Hearing 'Merry Christmas Everyone' coming from the CD player in July while waving my hands in the air like i just don't care also serves as a great warning sign to others that it probably isn't the best time to ask for a favour. Word.
Religious Education Lesson 1
Schools are reporting that they do not have enough teachers of Religious Education so the Religious Education Council of England and Wales (REC) are starting a campaign aiming to attract RE teachers to boost religious literacy.
I feel that i am able to step up and help them over the course of a 39 week school year so the first lesson in Week 1 is: 'listen kids, there is no God, the whole heaven and hell and religion thing is a massive myth so you can now spend the next 38 weeks learning something which is actually useful to you'.
I expect my cheque to be in the post in due course Religious Education Council and you are very welcome.
I feel that i am able to step up and help them over the course of a 39 week school year so the first lesson in Week 1 is: 'listen kids, there is no God, the whole heaven and hell and religion thing is a massive myth so you can now spend the next 38 weeks learning something which is actually useful to you'.
I expect my cheque to be in the post in due course Religious Education Council and you are very welcome.
Saturday, 8 September 2018
No More Political Songs
Politics can be difficult to follow sometimes but most people break down into right-wing or left-wing and musicians generally fall into the latter category because music isn’t very right wing.
There are not many songs that highlight right wing ideals with lyrics about smaller Government, free markets and more wars against Muslim countries filled with oil or heaping praise upon right wing luminaries such as Margaret Thatcher, Donald Trump or Hitler but once you couldn't swing a cat without hitting songs espousing left-wing ideals that oppose various current political regimes, reject war or call for equality to assorted oppressed groups but the well of political songs seemed to have dried up over the last decade or so.
With so much awfulness going on around the globe you have to wonder why more artists are not turning to politics for inspiration so why are our pop stars of today afraid to say what so many of us think when when we watch the news?
Political music can act as an incredibly powerful tool for raising awareness and bringing people together if it's done well but it's not easy to write a catchy tune encompassing complex issues that also have to rhyme and scan properly.
In an interview during their politically charged 'American Idiot' days, Billy Joe Armstrong said that the reason their album was so successful here was because they were pushing a point of view against the Iraq War that was marginalised within the mainstream media in the USA in favour of flag waving pro-war fervour while here in the UK that simply wasn't the case, the UK audience just got and agreed with their anti-War message.
That there is the crux of the matter, if Green Day and other bands (remember the Dixie Chicks fracas) who take a political side that go against what the people who have the power to advertise, expose, play and put their music out there then they will wither on the vine so they just avoid that whole area altogether to avoid career suicide.
Punk and the early rap/hip hop music was political but now it's seen as bland aural wallpaper and nobody has the political, or more importantly commercial courage, to take a stand and say 'this is wrong' in a three minute format for fear of being commercially sidelined for it.
There are not many songs that highlight right wing ideals with lyrics about smaller Government, free markets and more wars against Muslim countries filled with oil or heaping praise upon right wing luminaries such as Margaret Thatcher, Donald Trump or Hitler but once you couldn't swing a cat without hitting songs espousing left-wing ideals that oppose various current political regimes, reject war or call for equality to assorted oppressed groups but the well of political songs seemed to have dried up over the last decade or so.
With so much awfulness going on around the globe you have to wonder why more artists are not turning to politics for inspiration so why are our pop stars of today afraid to say what so many of us think when when we watch the news?
Political music can act as an incredibly powerful tool for raising awareness and bringing people together if it's done well but it's not easy to write a catchy tune encompassing complex issues that also have to rhyme and scan properly.
In an interview during their politically charged 'American Idiot' days, Billy Joe Armstrong said that the reason their album was so successful here was because they were pushing a point of view against the Iraq War that was marginalised within the mainstream media in the USA in favour of flag waving pro-war fervour while here in the UK that simply wasn't the case, the UK audience just got and agreed with their anti-War message.
That there is the crux of the matter, if Green Day and other bands (remember the Dixie Chicks fracas) who take a political side that go against what the people who have the power to advertise, expose, play and put their music out there then they will wither on the vine so they just avoid that whole area altogether to avoid career suicide.
Punk and the early rap/hip hop music was political but now it's seen as bland aural wallpaper and nobody has the political, or more importantly commercial courage, to take a stand and say 'this is wrong' in a three minute format for fear of being commercially sidelined for it.
Jail Time For Musicians
The general attitude in many of the more religious nations is that music is forbidden so stores do not have music playing and music is not taught in schools and musicians have even been jailed for writing songs and worse for songs that are deemed anti-state.
Amnesty Internationals position on this is that: 'This is a ludicrous way to treat people just for writing songs' but hold on Amnesty, let's not be too hasty here because but i know a few song writers that would benefit all of us if we started banging up anyone who is an affront to music.
First in the dock getting life with no parole would be Paul McCartney for pretty much everything since 1970 and following him in would be The Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart and Phil Collins for clogging up my radio with tosh for as long as i can remember.
Billy Ray Cyrus deserves a spell in solitary for 'Achy Breaky Heart' in the cell next to his daughter and down the corridor Celine 'My Heart Will Go On' Dion and if someone had arrested the Village people after 'YMCA' we would have been spared 'In the Navy'.
All Reggae groups should be locked away for a long time for having careers which consisted of every song having the same tune and Meatloaf should face a jury for making every song 10 minutes long.
A suspended sentence should be handed down to all country music singers and anyone who uses an Hawaiian guitar in their songs, female singers who do that wobbly voice thing where they go up and down the scales mid-song, actors who think they can sing, comedy singers and boy bands who sing vaguely remembered 70's ballads with their shirts off and any band who sells the rights of their songs to advertisers and ruin that special song by forever being associated with toilet roll.
Amnesty Internationals position on this is that: 'This is a ludicrous way to treat people just for writing songs' but hold on Amnesty, let's not be too hasty here because but i know a few song writers that would benefit all of us if we started banging up anyone who is an affront to music.
First in the dock getting life with no parole would be Paul McCartney for pretty much everything since 1970 and following him in would be The Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart and Phil Collins for clogging up my radio with tosh for as long as i can remember.
Billy Ray Cyrus deserves a spell in solitary for 'Achy Breaky Heart' in the cell next to his daughter and down the corridor Celine 'My Heart Will Go On' Dion and if someone had arrested the Village people after 'YMCA' we would have been spared 'In the Navy'.
All Reggae groups should be locked away for a long time for having careers which consisted of every song having the same tune and Meatloaf should face a jury for making every song 10 minutes long.
A suspended sentence should be handed down to all country music singers and anyone who uses an Hawaiian guitar in their songs, female singers who do that wobbly voice thing where they go up and down the scales mid-song, actors who think they can sing, comedy singers and boy bands who sing vaguely remembered 70's ballads with their shirts off and any band who sells the rights of their songs to advertisers and ruin that special song by forever being associated with toilet roll.
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