Potentially Life Saving Idea..But

The NHS have announced that by 2030, every baby born in the UK could have their entire genome sequenced under a new initiative to 'predict and prevent illness' which checks for hundreds of genetic conditions and at first i thought what a great potentially life saving idea, but then i thought some more on it and saw some potential problems with it.
The genetic result will suggest a child has a higher probability of developing a certain disease later in life but us Humans have a tendency to suffer the psychological problem of hearing 'you might get sick' and hearing 'you will get sick' and acting accordingly which could have huge implications of how children are raised, how they’re treated and how they could see themselves as they age, almost like a patient in waiting.
There could even be treatment for diseases they never develop and real stress and psychological damage around an anticipated future of illness, we still bear the scars from Covid when we all thought we were going to catch it and the be a statistic read out in the Prime Ministers Daily Briefings
I still think it is a good idea but i struggle to see how the emphasis can be put on how being higher risk does not mean it is a certainty because you cannot change the way we think, and unfortunately we always think the worst.

Special Guest Blogger: Buddhist God Pigsy

Originally holding the title of Marshall of the Jade Emperor's Heavenly armies and commander-in-chief of 80,000 Celestial sailors, i did have an eye for the angels and a face for stuffing food into at every opportunity but being a great General meant my many indiscretions were generally overlooked until one day i guzzled too much peach wine and misbehaved with Chang’e, Goddess of the Moon. Oops.
She raised such a fuss that armed guards hauled me off to the Jade Emperor who decided my punishment was to be cast out of Heaven and sent to be reincarnated on Earth, where i fell into a pigs sty on a farm and was reborn as a man-eating pig-monster.
I saved the farmers daughter from being kidnapped and such was my reward that the grateful Farmer  offered her to me in marriage and to become part of their family but my animal nature soon took over and though i managed to do quite a lot of work in the fields, I also manages to eat so much that the farm was losing money.  
The farmer sent a servant to the nearby village to offer gold to anyone who could rid them of me and the pilgrim Tripitaka was passing with his guardian, the Monkey King, who offered me a way back to heaven if I help them in a quest. I reluctantly agreed and they named me Pigsy.
We travelled to India, carrying Tripitaka’s baggage and fighting demons along the way until finally our quest was fulfilled and i achieved enlightenment.
I was made Cleaner of the Holy Altar in Buddhist Heaven which may sound like a very menial job for an ex-Marshall of the Heavenly Hosts, but thousands of worshipers send offerings to that altar every day and I get all the leftovers I can eat so win-win as far as i'm concerned.

Welfare or Warfare?

Announcing you are increasing defence spending in the same week that the Government face a vote on cuts to Welfare probably wasn't the brightest move but since they came to power the Labour Party haven't been that hot.  
On Monday the Prime Minister announced that the UK was set to increase spending on defence to 5% of GDP in the next decade adding a further £30bn to take spending to £75bn but today, faces a possible Parliamentary defeat in his attempt to cut £5bn from Welfare payments due to 'the welfare bill is unsustainable and must be dealt with'.
A third of his own side have signed an amendment to next week's welfare vote that could see his welfare reforms killed off although it would take more than that as he currently has a working majority of 165 votes and is confident that they can face down any rebellion rather than watering down the bill and especially in light of the embarrassing U-turn on the Winter Fuel payments.
Keir Starmer then has a big argument with his party in the coming days and an even bigger one with the public if his Chancellor has to announce cuts to services and tax hikes in the future in order to fund buying tanks, bullets and drones.
If i had my way i would cut defence spending to the bone and use that money to improve peoples lives, £75bn would build a lot of schools and hospitals and fix a lot of roads because it is our money he is spending and he has made the political decision spend it on the machines of war, the moron.  

Stretching Meaning Of Obliterated Somewhat

Whether it was obliterated, destroyed or damaged, the potty mouthed tyrant Trump is saying that the attacks by the American B2 bombers have set back Iran's nuclear program 'decades' although the American intelligence people are not quite so certain.
Admittedly it is the same intelligence agency that Trump dismissed as wrong when they tried to explain to him that Iran had no Nukes and were not planning to make any but six 13.5 tonne bombs and 35 cruise missiles later, a report from the Pentagon’s Defense Intelligence Agency estimated that the attacks set Iran’s nuclear program back 'only a few months' which is stretching obliterated a bit far.
Iran said they moved all the good stuff out before anyway so Trump's  'spectacular military success' would be applicable if the aim was to make some really big holes in a mountain for which the warmongering Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, or 'fucking liar' as Joe Biden called him, has expressed his gratitude to US President Donald Trump for his actions, saying they will 'help lead the Middle East and beyond to a future of prosperity and peace' which comes with oodles of irony considering that in the past year he has helped lead his nation to war on Palestine, Lebanon, Syria and Iran so peace while he is in charge seems a forlorn hope and as it will bring forward the charges of fraud, breach of trust and bribery for which he could face 10 years in prison, not going to happen soon.
The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) boss Rafael Grossi says that Iran maintains the industrial capacity and technical knowledge for its nuclear program so all that was achieved was that at $500m a pop, America dropped £3bn worth of bombs to alter the Iranian skyline and prove to Iran that if they didn't think they needed a Nuclear Bomb to ensure it wasn't attacked, aka the North Korea defence, it bloody does now. 

Special Guest Blogger: Benvenuto Cellini

Being great in one area of your life doesn't mean you can't be a complete tool in another and I admit that I earned the admiration of the world through my genius work while also doing terrible things.
Do you know the table sculpture Cellini Salt Cellar where i molded gold into an incredibly detailed and intricate sculpture or maybe the even more famous sculpture of Perseus with the Head of Medusa? Some of my greatest works of art and that's without mentioning the autobiography which was been described as one of the most important documents of the 16th century.
At the age of 16, I was gaining a reputation as a bit of a hot head in Florence and after yet another street brawl, my father sent me to Siena where i discovered my passion for sculpture and from there to Rome where the phrase, 'it's not what you know but who you know' was written for me.
I made sculptures for the Cardinals and Bishops and Pope Clement VII was a big fan of mine which came in very handy when  my brother was killed and i killed his murderer in turn and through the influence of several cardinals clutching beautiful table sculptures and a quiet word from a fanboy Pope, I obtained a pardon.
Then, in 1527, the Sack of Rome happened, and i killed two of the occupying soldiers during the invasion which found me great favor with the new pope, Paul III, which again was very useful when three other men suspiciously wound up dead around me.
A few years later, while busy beating a man to death, a witness saw me and threatened to turn me in so i promptly killed the witness before the man could testify against me and fearing my credit with the Pope had run out by now, i went to sculpt in France.
There, i became the subject of a civil lawsuit over illegitimate children but before that filing could work its way into court, I crippled the plaintiff’s legs and fled town back to Florence and straight into an accusation that i had sodomised one of my students for which i was fined 50 golden Scudi and four years of prison, remitted to four years of house arrest thanks to the intercession of my friends the powerful Medici family.
I married and lived out my life in peace but my legacy would be some amazing works of art and the realisation that if you are pals with the Church, you can literally get away with murder.

Avoid A Newspaper Today Dan

In the olden times, anything written in a newspaper disappeared within a day of it being published, ideally ending up wrapped round your fish and chips. These days, of course, newspaper content lives on seemingly for ever on the Internet which can be annoying for Politicians who can change their thinking at the drop of a hat, if you asked some if they still thought what they wrote a few months later they would reply that they probably didn’t even think it by tea that day so heaven only knows what Tory MP Daniel Hannan thinks about Brexit today.  
Back in 2016, Brexit supporting Dan prophesied about what the post-EU sunlit uplands would be like on this very day in an article in the Times and it began with 'It’s 24 June, 2025, and Britain is marking its annual Independence Day celebration. As the fireworks stream through the summer sky, still not quite dark, we wonder why it took us so long to leave. The years that followed the 2016 referendum didn’t just reinvigorate our economy, our democracy and our liberty. They improved relations with our neighbours'  which shows a remarkable ability to be absolutely wrong about everything.  
I assume Dan the man has been eyeing his calendar nervously hoping nobody would remember his Mystic Meg predictions , too busy looking in the local newspaper for the nearest venue of all the street and firework parties i assume to celebrate that 4% hit to our GDP?
Somebody really should explain to him that despite his wishes, agriculture and fishing are not booming, the UK is not the foremost knowledge-based economy in the world, steel and ceramics have not become competitive again and the EU is not withering and dying without Britain.
Birmingham and Leeds are not financial capitals of the world, the UK has not become the centre of world shipping, shale oil and gas has not driven down energy prices and Universities have not flourished and the Brexit supporters are keeping their head's downs, embarrassed that they were taken in by numpties like him promising them the World but the World he delivered was akin to Mars or Venus.   
Forshame that man, or not if you have none, but i am looking forward to your predictions for the state of Britain on 24th June 2035. 

Tips For Yanks Coming To UK

During the last 12 months, more than 6,000 US citizens have applied to either become British subjects or to live and work in the country indefinitely which is the highest number ever according to data released on Thursday by the UK’s Home Office.
In total, 6,618 Americans applied for British citizenship with most arriving since November following the election of Donald TACO Trump as the 47th US presidency and American immigration lawyers say they are receiving an increasing number of inquiries and point to the chaotic political landscape amid Trump’s government.
So what can Americans expect when they leave the political dumpster fire of a country to come here?

No Wild Animals: The most dangerous animal we have is a hedgehog.    
Decent Tea: Hot and made ina  kettle as it should be.
Driving: No complicated crossroads, we have Roundabouts.
History: We have houses, pubs and a company that makes washing up bowls which are older than your America.
Spelling: You can get to use that letter 'U' you learnt about in School
Guns: No risk of dying of multiple gun shot wounds while out on a shopping trip.
Humour: Blackadder, QI, Red Dwarf, Monty Python, Fools & Horses, Vicar of Dibley, Father Ted...enough said.  
Prince Harry: He will still be there so he isn't here.
Weather: The fun of leaving for work in brilliant sunshine and arriving drenched to the bone.
Accent: Learn how to speak proper English (unless you go to Liverpool, Newcastle or Birmingham)
Chocolate: Honestly, you haven't tasted Chocolate until you have had a Cadburys Easter Egg.
Dates: DD/MM/YYYY else we will completely miss your Birthday
Eggs: In the cupboard and not the fridge.
Ground Floor: The floor on the ground, not the First floor.
Chicken: The only Chlorine you will find is in the Swimming Pools.
Christmas Crackers: Little explosives to go with your Christmas Lunch.
Religion: Unless you wear a dog collar, don't mention God.   
NHS: Put your purse away.  
Fag, Shag, Fanny: Not an homosexual, a carpet or a backside over here   
Rhyming Slang: Find something that rhymes (China Plate = mate), then we shorten it (OK China)
Taps: We have two which are clearly labelled and even coloured red and blue.
Showing off: Boasting is a quick way to learn some new British swearwords.
Being American: If anyone asks about your accent, easier to say you are Canadian, you all sound the same to us anyway.

Oh, i'm sure you will get the hang of it once you are here.

My Blogging Style

When i was growing up one of my favourite reads was the Newspaper Sketch writers and my favourite was the 'By The Way' and later renamed 'Beachcomber' column because it was silly and funny and when it was created during the First World War, the writer, Major John Bernard Arbuthnot, said he wanted a column which took a news item, rolled it around bit and then clapped a Harpo Marx wig over it which was very well received at a time of such National struggle.
When i started blogging around 1999 as part of a group of friends doing on an online magazine type blog, i decided that would be my style which didn't really chime with the style of the blog we was writing so around 2004 i began my own blog where i could slap as many Harpo Marx wigs on news items as i wanted.
The problem was unless people know you are writing a sketch, they just assume you are making things up or flat out lying because sketch writing is very much a British thing and not really done outside of our shores, the act of taking a situation and pointing at the absurdity and silliness in it rather than the 'serious' part of the news was not clear although then it was the Gulf War and many people didn't like my slapping a Harpo wig on the players like Tony Blair or G W Bush at such a time and spent more time defending that the posts were not meant to be 'factually accurate' as it was a sketch but i soon realised that the style could be off-putting and the humour something of an acquired taste so i began the Falling On A Bruise blog around 2007 and tried to intertwine the two.  
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but all those years of reading the Beachcomber columns certainly did have an influence on me because when i am looking for angles for pieces, i always dive head first into the silly and absurdness of it all and then usually have to reign myself back in, lesson learnt from earlier experiences where some stories were deemed not inductive to the silly and absurd.
Sometimes i just can't help myself and the urge to lampoon is too strong, i mean just look around some of the people who are leading us, but other times i try to combine to the two into one post which could come across as making fun of a serious topic but i maintain that some situations are always going to end badly so we might as well have a bloody good laugh about it. It's the British way. 

Special Guest Blogger: Goddess Asherah

Men! Bah! I was the Mother Goddess and wife of God when he was going under the name of Yahweh and together we had seventy-seven god children, or was it eighty-eight? Whatever, we had so many that I lose count but as no-one has heard of most of them, it probably doesn’t matter anyway.
Back then I was known as 'She Who Walks Upon The Sea' which was weird because i never but anyway, i was held in very high esteem by my many worshipers who erected many wooden pillars and statues in my honor, so many that my husband, being a man, felt a little threatened by his woman.
We were ruling side by side as a divine man and wife but hardly anyone remembers me so what happened you may ask? Obviously, men happened.
I was not only edited out of the Holy texts such as the Hebrew Bible and Old Testament when the Christians began taking bits and pieces for their own religion, but they started referring to me as a sacred tree in an effort to hide me although references to me did have to be edited out in later versions of the Bible because they missed a few references such as in Deuteronomy 33.2-3, when i was said to be 'at his right hand'.
After being written out of the Christian Bible, to kick me even further away from my ex-husband, I became morphed into a Pagan goddess and worshiping Pagans was a huge no-no and any statues to me had to be destroyed because of the whole False Idols bit of the commandments.
Obviously, today's Christians don't want to know that their top banana has an ex-wife knocking around and definitely don't want to acknowledge the 77 or 88 kids we  had together, preferring to concentrate on the one Godly offspring which was a result of making a 14 year girl who was betrothed to another pregnant because that is so much better apparently.

God On Trump

At least the Tangerine Taco left his ridiculous looking MAGA hat at home when he announced that it was time for Iran to make peace now that he had ordered his country to attack them but that's Trump logic for you, as stupid as he looks with his Orange clown make up.
Flanked by three of his administration, Plague, Famine and Death, the self confessed sex pest ended his self congratulatory speech about firing 30 Cruise Missiles and dropping seven 13.5 tonne bombs on another country with: 'God bless the Middle East. God bless Israel, and God bless America'.
Don't know what God made of this imposition of his precious blessing time and energy, so lets ask him.
'It's a bit of a liberty to be honest' said the Almighty, 'as if i haven't got enough on my plate already what with answering prayers, saving The King of England and trying to orchestrate all these Holy Wars. I really could do without dubious politicians organising yet more for me to do although i have had dealings with these warmongering American Presidents before.'
Obviously reading my mind about the Bush consultation before the Iraq War, the big guy sighed and shook his omnipresent head, 'Yep, there was that Bush fella but i told him what i tell everyone when they ask for help in a war, I'm God. If i want to get rid of someone I can just give them bird flu or food poisoning so if Trump has asked me i would have said that I didn't need some jumped up little draft dodger with bone spurs to help me.'
I wanted to press him further on the meaning of life, origins of the Universe and exactly what he thought of what those that he made in his own image were doing to the environment that he had cobbled together in under a week and did he think he would have made a better job of it if he hadn't had Sunday off, but before i had chance, he got called away to an incident.
'Sorry but the King is digging about inside his toaster with a knife again' he said rolling his eyes and ordering Gabriel to fetch his winged chariot.
'I'll tell you what' he said as he ushered me towards the door 'None of my other creations give this  much hassle.'