My First 10 Days In Government

I got a call from a very flustered Boris Johnson this morning, he was crying down the phone that all the Cabinet Ministers are being nasty to him and as he is running out of people to fill the Ministerial roles, could i fill in and of course being the helpful sort of person i am, i said that i was only too willing to oblige so here are my plans for the first ten days as the entire Cabinet.

Day 1 - Brexit Minister: Binned it. Got rid of it. Picked it up, took it outside and drop-kicked it over the neighbour’s fence and then post a letter to the EU pleading temporary insanity and we are very, very sorry.

Day 2 - Defence Minister: Nuclear Weapons packed up, put into a really big box and dumped into a volcano somewhere. Then a letter apologising to all those places we have invaded pleading a bout of infantile showing off infront of the bigger boys.

Day 3 - Pay and Pensions Minister: If you were in one of those jobs who got a mention when we were all outside clapping you during the Covid Pandemic (Nurse, Police, Bus and Train drivers etc) then you get the inflation equaling 10% payrise. If you were in a job which was furloughed and it had no effect whatsoever on the nation (Estate Agent, Insurance Salesman, Double Glazing Cold Caller) then suck it up.

Day 4 - Sports Minister: A new Law that only Football teams in red whose name begins with the letter A are allowed to win the league and any team whose name doesn't begin with the letter A must start the season on minus 40 points. The ruling of the Sports Minister is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

Day 5 - Home Office: If you wish to claim asylum in the UK and you are in any of the nations we invaded and are therefore responsible for either filling your country with terrorists, a crooked regime or your living accommodation was reduced to rubble courtesy of one of our missiles, then sorry and of course you can come here, least we can do for ruining your life.
 
Day 6 - Chancellor: A new tax system will be introduced, if you are a global conglomerate and do not pay your fair share in Corporation Tax then pack up your stuff and sod off elsewhere because you aren't welcome here, there will be plenty of coffee houses and search engines who will take your place. There will also be a new Tax Return where you tick what you don't want your taxes to go towards such as the Royals, which brings us to...

Day 7: The Royals: You have had a decent run but we can't keep shelling out hundreds of millions to a family who lives in Palaces and Castles so you will be sold off as a family to the highest bidder or broken up and sold individually although William and Kate will remain in a reduced capacity because he knows how to fly a helicopter and that always comes in handy and Kate likes to strip off and pose for the paparazzi and we can make a few pound from the photos.

Day 8 - Foreign Minister: America, come and pack up your military bases and missiles on British land and while your at it take back home all those Yanks who complain about the weather, our taps and our food. If you can't work out how two taps and a basin works then you shouldn't be allowed to leave your own country.  

Day 9 - Elections: If you struggle to read even the most basic literature, have no concern for your fellow man, don't like to share and refuse to recycle, question climate change or believe in the fairness of our Capitalist system then you are considered a right winger and therefore lack the mental capacity to vote for someone proper and are unable to enter an election booth .

Day 10 - BBC: You can keep the licence fee but you MUST make a programme with that delightful Brian Cox in it every 3 months to replace all those dreadful cooking and antique shows, put The Sky A Night on at a decent time and promise to never, ever, EVER employ Piers Morgan in anything.  

I commend this to the House and if you don't agree with it then the House is forthwith to be emptied and turned into student accommodation.