Under Starters Order...And They're Off

We are under starters order...and we're off and Ben Wallace takes an early lead with Michael Gove staying towards the centre of the pack which is just as well as Wallace once threatened to castrate his Prime Minister rival for gossiping but he is being challenged by Penny Mourdaunt who doesn't have a penis but is a strong supporter of trans-rights which means she may as well run for leadership of Trumpton how little chance of being voted for by right wingers after that.
As we come to the first bend Rishi Sunak makes a move around the outside but the weight of that Penalty for breaking lock-down laws and failing to even persuade his own wife to pay him tax means that he can make little headway and it's Liz Truss who seems to be nosing ahead at the first fence but she's fallen...tripped up by her own words that British are among the worst idlers in the world and fellow MP Mark Field who she had an extramarital affair with.
The rest make it over the jump safely but Tom Tugendhat seems to have developed a problem as this part of the course was made in China and the MP is banned from all China, Hong Kong and Macau, and Chinese citizens and institutions are prohibited from doing business with him for his constant criticism of the Asian Superpower.
As we go through the second bend it's still Ben Wallace but Nadhim Zahawi is moving through the field like a medical establishment when he was part of the Cabinet handing out the Covid contracts, like the one handed to his own wife's medical establishment and there seems to be some interference from Pritti Patel who has blocked the water jump and banned Zahawi and Sunak from crossing the water as they don't look British enough.   
It's the last furlong and Jeremy Hunt and Steve Baker are still somehow in this, heaven knows how, but they are too far back to have any chance so its out of Ben Wallace and Sajid Javid, Grant Shapps being so wooden that he was mistaken for a piece of panelling at the last fence and it's neck and neck as we come to the line and Javid stretches for the finishing post but it isn’t enough, if only he had stretched like he did the truth when he was questioned over his links to tax avoidance schemes.
Wallace takes it then from a depleted field and wins the National Prime Ministers Race 2022 and is being congratulated by his fellow MP's although not the gay ones as Wallace is famously anti-gay and voted against same-sex marriage so thank you for watching and tune in the same time next year for the removal of Wallace as the Conservative Party are roundly thrashed in the General Election.