Legend has it that he banished all the snakes from Ireland. Not sure what else he did but the Irish have chosen a glorified pest controller as their Patron Saint and we should respect their choice to celebrate the day wearing a big foam top hat shaped as a pint of Guinness, holding a pint of Guinness in each giant Guinness-sponsored foam mitt and spilling both pints of Guinness down the front of their Guinness St Patrick's Day T-shirt.
While watching the sheep one day he heard a voice telling him to go to the coast and there would be a ship waiting for him to take him back to Britain but whoever the voice was, it obviously hadn't talked to the ships captain because he refused to take him but he used that English charm and eventually he let him on.
Once back in England he heard another voice telling him to join the Priesthood and go back to Ireland and covert the bally lot of them.
After finding an Irish port which wouldn't instantly run his intestines up a flagpole the second he set foot off the ship, he worked his way into Irish Hearts and on a few occasions used his head to stop Irish clubs, rocks and fists but his real fame came when he chased all the snakes off a cliff after they attacked him which is a bit of an exaggeration as Ireland had no snakes but they didn't know that, they looked around, saw no snakes and said 'Wow, thanks Englishman'.
If you are tempted to travel to Ireland to join in the festivities today, as the countries closest neighbour, we are best placed to pass on some valuable information about the Irish such as not to expose one to to direct sunlight as very bright red discoloration will occur and if you see an Irishman experiences trembling, administer liberal amounts of Guinness but most importantly never combine an Irishman with an Englishman as it may result in broken teeth.
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