British Slang

English, it is said, is a tough language to learn but what makes it even tougher is the way we use Rhyming slang but even if you master that, you still have so many slang words to wrap your melon around so in view of international relations, i'm going to throw as much of the bloody bollocks into this post as possible so let's  get cracking, shall we?
Cheers always confuses people as it can mean hello, goodbye, thank you, congratulations, have a good one or a toast at the bar with your mates getting bevvied up down the boozer so we won't bugger around with that one but you would be well chuffed if you managed to work it out.
Cheeky snog with the cracking fit bloke or the belter of a bird with the nice baps but get permission first, you don't need the aggro of landing well in it with the Old Bill and getting banged up for sexual assault or something.
When you are in the boozer though you might want to keep your gob shut, especially if it is full of chavs because some of them are real bellends who would follow you to the bog when you go se a man about a dog and not for the bog roll so you might want to clear off pretty sharpish. They will also be the sort of gormless people who do a runner and leg it after the nosh  at restaurants at the end of the evening, the daft gits!
Keir Starmer is currently the the Guv'nor here but already he is starting to look peaky and a bit knackered although he was pretty jammy that the last lot were so awful and he would be gutted to get kicked out so quick nut many people want him to knock it on the head but don't have a Scooby who would replace him, some want Nigel Farage but that would be taking the piss although i think some people just say that as a wind up
There you go then, British slang and with bit of practise, Bob’s your uncle, End of.

Hiya Enceladusians

Whenever i see the name of Saturn's moon 'Enceladus' written down my brain goes 'Enchilada' for some weird reason but  Scientists have been studying water vapour plumes from the one that you can't eat and found the presence of complex molecules that could harbour life.
As it is only 310 miles in diameter and around 4% the mass of our Earth, the gravity there is awful and it averages -198C and is covered in snow several hundred meters thick so not somewhere we could go and live but Scientists are starting to think that something may have beaten us to it anyway because carbon-based substances are being spewed out in those plumes.
The spacecraft Cassini discovered that Enceleadus is teeming with all the Biological raw ingredients needed for life but we are yet to discover if they combined in such a way to start life although it does have hydrothermal vents in its deep, saltwater oceans and that is exactly were we began our long journey billions of years ago from microbial life to me sitting here typing out a blog post about how we came from microbial life billions of years ago.
The Cassini mission ended it's 800 million mile trip in 2017 and scientists have been poring over the data it collected ever since and it may not be little green men waving probes and telling us they come in peace but if we discover that life began elsewhere, and it really is just a matter of time until we do, that would be one of the greatest discoveries of mankind, unless they arrive with massive ray guns and obliterate us in which case, not so much. 

Is Farage A Racist...Well

Deputy Prime Minister, David Lammy, said of Nigel Farage that he was not one to attack the man but he would rather attack the policies but then seemed to forget that seconds later when he said that Farage was a racist and once flirted with the Hitler youth. Ouch.
The racist thing is obvious, if it quacks like a racist and walks like a racist, it's a racist but the Hitler youth claim was new one and seems to come from a letter from former an English teacher at Dulwich College, the public school attended by Farage in the 1970s, that Farage was not the right person to be a prefect at the college due to a liking of singing and shouting Hitler Youth songs and that he was viewed as a fascist amongt staff members.
Another staff member said he held 'publicly professed racist and neo-fascist views' and in a 2022 interview with a former classmate of Farage, he called how Farage had a thing for the National Front and would run into classrooms and chalk NF on the board.
Another former English master recalled staff being concerned that Nigel had voiced views that were not simply right wing but views that were racist and had a particular hatred of Jews, telling one Jewish by that Hitler was right and would sing send ‘em home and sing gas ‘em all, gas ‘em all, gas them all, to the Jewish children.
To be fair to Lammy, why not play the man and the policies as both are awful and absolutely racist.

Special Guest Blogger: Oliver Reed

I came from relatively normal roots, with no formal acting training, and became one of the most highly recognized British actors of his time and for being a hellraiser.
My childhood was nothing out of the ordinary though my early years might have been mundane, at the age of nine, my life was forever altered when i was sent to boarding school, the first of 14 schools i was expelled from for being a thug so i was ideal for the Army where i met a few actors and thought that looks easy so decided to give acting a try and my break was playing Richard of Gloucester in the six-part BBC TV series The Golden Spur.
It was then that i made a drunken promise to a stranger in a bar that i would buy him a house in Scotland once i became famous.
I was then was cast in the Hammer horror film The Curse of the Werewolf which lead to greater success in my acting career and with women.
Pretty soon i had a slew of celebrity lads to go drinking with like Keith Moon and Robert Newman, one time i met up with American movie star Steve McQueen and we went on on a marathon pub crawl.
I got a role in The Three Musketeers as Athos, and got stabbed accidentally in the throat and was centimeters away from dying but i was now a household name in British films and hit the big time as Bill Sykes in Oliver.
I also made good on that drunken promise and bought that bar-room stranger a property in Scotland. When i was was 42 i dated a 16 year old, she was 26 years younger than me! Back of the net, and I was now famous enough to turn down roles such as The Sting and Jaws as i didn't fancy travelling all the way to America to film them.
As my reputation for drinking and brawling grew, my film career began floundering and was getting cast less and less and I ended up spending lots of his time doing TV show appearances and TV producers soon realized that getting me tipsy was a surefire method of prime entertainment and i often arrived plastered or on some occasions, pretending to be plastered to play up to my bad boy image but it did cost me the role of James Bond and they cast Sean Connery instead because I was  too far from the Bond image at that point.
In one TV interview, i said i wanted to go by overdrinking, 'in a bar of a heart attack'  which turned out to be eerily correct.
It was no surprise that my health deteriorated as i got older, especially with my heavy drinking. In December 1987, by now overweight and dealing with gout, I became extremely sick with kidney issues as a result of my alcoholism.
At the age of 60, i landed a role as an elderly trainer named Proximo in Ridley Scott’s Gladiator but i never got on with Russel Crowe and challenged him to a fight and i took a break and ended up in a bar challenging some sailors to a drinking contest.
I fell ill during the drinking competition and collapsed on the floor and was quickly rushed to the hospital, but unfortunately it was too late, dead in a bar from a heart attack.

A Guide To Surviving Nuclear Armageddon

When i was a youngster during the Cold War in the 1980's, we all feared the bomb and then in 1989 it all ended and climate change then became everyone's favourite existential crisis but now with Russia making threats about using it's nuclear arsenal, India and Pakistan a tinderbox, North Korea handing out threats like sweeties and Israel going the full genocide, Nuclear Armageddon is back.
Of the 9 nuclear bomb owning nations, 2 (Russia and Israel) are fighting a war as you read this, 2 (India and Pakistan) have just finished one between themselves and 2 (China and North Korea) are shaking their fists at neighbours while America is currently being run by a total moron who asked an advisor why, if they had them, why can’t they use them.
World War 3 then could come from any of these and it was only as few months ago that nuclear armed Israel bombed Iranian nuclear sites in pre-emptive self defence (since 2007 Israel has said that Iran were mere weeks away from their own nuclear weapons) in order to achieve peace, whilst dropping  more bombs than were dropped on London in WW2 on a captive population and starving a population to death while executing 100s of people who line up for the tiny amount of aid they let in.
So if nuclear Armageddon is back on the table, how does one survive a nuclear explosion?
Luckily, we got told this back in the day so let me dust off the parts of my memory from the 80's and see what i can recall.
First, if you see a nuclear explosion don't look at it as it will burn your eyeballs out. The good news is if you can see the explosion then you are far enough away not to be vapourised and die immediately.
Second, don't stand their congratulating yourself too long because next is the shockwave and you only have a few seconds to lay on the ground and close your eyes and open your mouth so your eardrums, lungs and other bits don't burst from the air pressure.
Congratulations, you have not been vapourised and the shockwave didn't get you so next it is to either find a fallout shelter or the next best thing, get yourself underground to avoid the nuclear fallout which will soon be raining down on you and don't be swayed by the films and comics that a generous dose of radiation was a guarantee that you’d gain superpowers. A slow, painful death is much less exciting than being able to crawl up walls or turn into the Hulk but so try and grab some warm clothes and some snacks because you may be down there for a while.
If you see some cockroaches in your hole then that's a good sign, i distinctly remember being told those critters could survive a nuclear explosion.
After about 2 months the radiation should have cleared enough to clamber back to the surface but then your next action is to get as far as possible away to find cleaner, breathable air and avoid people who didn't read this post and are by now forming mobs of radioactive mutants.
The good news is that if you follow my advice, you will survive.
The bad news is that so will the very people who started the nuclear war in the first place because they will be the safest people on the planet when the Plutonium hits the fan but at least the following nuclear winter will balance out the increasingly warming climate so silver linings and all that.