The Scottish have a bit of a reputation for having short arms and long pockets when it comes to money. Fair enough they also have a reputation for being drunk all the time and the men wearing skirts but having a scrooge like devotion to money is what we on the more sober side of Hadrian's wall mock them about.
That stereotype may be in danger now after Donald Trump came waving his wad about in the east of the country only for the locals to tell him to take his money and his dubiously coloured hair and sod off.
The billionaire planned to build a £1bn golf course on sand dunes in Aberdeen but salmon fisherman, Michael Forbes, refused to sell his 23 acres of land that sat slap bang in the centre of the proposed golf complex.
Seeing his dream swinging in the wind, Trump offered £450,000 for the land with a salary of £50,000 a year for some unspecified job thrown in. Forbes refused. All he wanted was to be left in peace and quiet he said.
Trump's business team then set about smearing Mr Forbes and it was this that seemed to seal the fate of the doomed development.
Complaints to the council surged as the city folk stood behind Forbes and yesterday's ruling that the application for the development had been refused, ensured Trump's vision would have to be carried out elsewhere.
Defending against accusations that the Trump team had lost the support of the Aberdeenions through arrogance and patronising the locals, a spokesman arrogantly said "We were not arrogant. We set certain standards. It may be incomprehensible to smaller minds, but we have always set high standards. We presented them with a plan and hoped they could open their minds, but it was too much for them" he sniffed.
Trump had conducted a charm offensive among local business leaders and politicians, but was the "architect of his own downfall" with his outspoken views on the locals as one windswept woman told Sky News: "When you move into a neighbourhood, you should seek to get on with your neighbours. He chose to ridicule the lifestyle of someone who was quietly getting on with his life. People around here don't like that."
Good for you Mr Forbes and the good people of Aberdeen. I would buy you a drink but it seems the pockets in my trousers are just too deep for my short arms.
Palm Beach Post
Friday, 30 November 2007
Ich Bein Americans
What with all this talk of America going down the tubes i began writing a post about inviting you yanks back to the bosom of Mother Britain. Searching for inspiration, i found a letter on the Internet that has been around for years and is accredited to John Cleese inviting the same and setting out conditions for your return. Very amusing but the reply offering Britain to become a state of the USA if we can satisfy the following criteria had me laughing like a blocked drain. Here is an abridged version.
1. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
2. Your should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
3. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better.
4. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler.
5. Hunting with packs of dogs is banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.
6. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion.
7. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year.. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members.
8. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
1. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
2. Your should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
3. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better.
4. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler.
5. Hunting with packs of dogs is banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.
6. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion.
7. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year.. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members.
8. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Celebrity Endorsements
As the US election enters that nail biting final 11 months stage, nothing encapsulates the nature of politics better than than the traditional scramble to sign up duff celebrities to one's cause. And there's nothing which so neatly confirms a star's self-love as the belief that their patronage matters.
Congratulations, then, to the Obama campaign which this week followed its enviable acquisition of Eddie Murphy and Tom Hanks to it's cause by getting an endorsement from Oprah Winfrey.
There does seem to be a culture of celebrities crossing into politics blissfully unaware that most voters don't really gives a toss what they think about fiscal policy just because they have been on TV at some point.
USA Today has a list of who the main contenders for the Presidency have managed to bag for their cause with Obama seeming to lead the way as the man the Hollywood celebrity should be seen with this season.
Jennifer Aniston, Morgan Freeman, Tom Hanks, Tobey Maguire, Edward Norton, Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Ed Norton, Gene Wilder, Michael Douglas, Steve Martin, Paul Newman, Paul Simon, George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and of course Oprah have all nailed their colours to the Obama mast.
Hilary Clinton can rely upon Hugh Hefner, Chevy Chase, Jerry Springer, 50 cent, Barbra Streisand, Christie Brinkley, Barry Manilow, Rosie O’Donnell and Rob Reiner to give her a foot massage when the going gets tough.
It seems that backing a Republican is as popular as a condom machine in the Vatican because poor old Rudy Giuliani only has the endorsement of two celebrities, Kelsey Grammer and Adam Sandler although he has been backed by Pat Robertson and his legion of crazed religious fundamentalists.
It seems that the world of celebrity is telling you to stick to the day job Rudy. Whatever that is.
Reuters
Congratulations, then, to the Obama campaign which this week followed its enviable acquisition of Eddie Murphy and Tom Hanks to it's cause by getting an endorsement from Oprah Winfrey.
There does seem to be a culture of celebrities crossing into politics blissfully unaware that most voters don't really gives a toss what they think about fiscal policy just because they have been on TV at some point.
USA Today has a list of who the main contenders for the Presidency have managed to bag for their cause with Obama seeming to lead the way as the man the Hollywood celebrity should be seen with this season.
Jennifer Aniston, Morgan Freeman, Tom Hanks, Tobey Maguire, Edward Norton, Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Ed Norton, Gene Wilder, Michael Douglas, Steve Martin, Paul Newman, Paul Simon, George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and of course Oprah have all nailed their colours to the Obama mast.
Hilary Clinton can rely upon Hugh Hefner, Chevy Chase, Jerry Springer, 50 cent, Barbra Streisand, Christie Brinkley, Barry Manilow, Rosie O’Donnell and Rob Reiner to give her a foot massage when the going gets tough.
It seems that backing a Republican is as popular as a condom machine in the Vatican because poor old Rudy Giuliani only has the endorsement of two celebrities, Kelsey Grammer and Adam Sandler although he has been backed by Pat Robertson and his legion of crazed religious fundamentalists.
It seems that the world of celebrity is telling you to stick to the day job Rudy. Whatever that is.
Reuters
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Low Expectations From Annapolis
Of course any peace conference is a good thing but as the Annapolis meeting between long term foes kicks off tomorrow, my expectations for any kind of settlement is very low.
The fact that it comes at the end of the Bush time in office stinks of a last gasp attempt at a decent legacy, much the same way that it came at the end of Clinton's presidency.
If the US, and lets be frank, it is only the US who can reign in Israel, was resolved to end the decades of conflict between the two it would be better served dedicating more time than a hurried assembly of antagonists less than a year before the chairman vacates the seat.
There has already been some uncomfortable squirming about the declaration of principles for peace before the event even starts so i hold out very little hope of any consensus when the thornier issues reach the table.
The principal victims of any failure will be the impoverished Palestinians. The onus is always entirely on them to conjure up sweeping reforms that must be achieved while in the grip of a military occupation, behind a heavily fortified wall encroaching deep into their land and while subjected to the abject loss of their freedoms.
What we must bring out of this conference, whether it is deemed a success or a failure, is the momentum to try again and to keep going until a solution is reached. We have had far too many false dawns only for it to collapse into further killing and recriminations.
With Palestine divided between Hamas and Fatah, it will be difficult to demand that Mahmoud Abbas crack down on the rockets being fired into Israel by the people he is in the midst of fighting a civil war against but if Israel can make the movement towards ending the occupation and ensuring a state of Palestine free from Israeli checkpoints and incursions it will strengthen his hand considerably when dealing with his own dissidents.
If this fails we cannot give up trying because since the Clinton meetings imploded into infatida seven years ago, over 4000 Palestinians and 1000 Israelis have lost their lives in fighting and we cannot allow a repeat of such tragedy.
The fact that it comes at the end of the Bush time in office stinks of a last gasp attempt at a decent legacy, much the same way that it came at the end of Clinton's presidency.
If the US, and lets be frank, it is only the US who can reign in Israel, was resolved to end the decades of conflict between the two it would be better served dedicating more time than a hurried assembly of antagonists less than a year before the chairman vacates the seat.
There has already been some uncomfortable squirming about the declaration of principles for peace before the event even starts so i hold out very little hope of any consensus when the thornier issues reach the table.
The principal victims of any failure will be the impoverished Palestinians. The onus is always entirely on them to conjure up sweeping reforms that must be achieved while in the grip of a military occupation, behind a heavily fortified wall encroaching deep into their land and while subjected to the abject loss of their freedoms.
What we must bring out of this conference, whether it is deemed a success or a failure, is the momentum to try again and to keep going until a solution is reached. We have had far too many false dawns only for it to collapse into further killing and recriminations.
With Palestine divided between Hamas and Fatah, it will be difficult to demand that Mahmoud Abbas crack down on the rockets being fired into Israel by the people he is in the midst of fighting a civil war against but if Israel can make the movement towards ending the occupation and ensuring a state of Palestine free from Israeli checkpoints and incursions it will strengthen his hand considerably when dealing with his own dissidents.
If this fails we cannot give up trying because since the Clinton meetings imploded into infatida seven years ago, over 4000 Palestinians and 1000 Israelis have lost their lives in fighting and we cannot allow a repeat of such tragedy.
Government & God
One of the starkest differences between the top job on either side of the Atlantic
has been brought into the open by the former Prime Minister, Tony Blair.
In the documentary, The Blair Years, Tony admits that he was afraid to speak out about his faith while he was prime minister for fear that voters would regard him as a "nutter".
While in America, anyone wanting to run for President would need to be seeped in religious belief to even get off the starting blocks, in the UK it would sound the death knell for anyone with prospects of appearing in Government.
"Christianity is common in US politics but if you talk about it in our system and, frankly, people do think you're a nutter", he says with his mind obviously returning to the embarrassing ridicule he received from all sides when it was mentioned that he prayed with George Bush and the more sinister line of questioning he received when Bush said that God had told him to invade Iraq.
With the danger being that the politician makes decisions based on their faith and allows themselves to be guided by their religious beliefs rather than hard facts, long may we mock anyone who comes to Downing Street clutching a bible.
Religion has done, and continues, to do so much damage around the World, we can only benefit from a lack of the God Squad deciding things for us.
has been brought into the open by the former Prime Minister, Tony Blair.
In the documentary, The Blair Years, Tony admits that he was afraid to speak out about his faith while he was prime minister for fear that voters would regard him as a "nutter".
While in America, anyone wanting to run for President would need to be seeped in religious belief to even get off the starting blocks, in the UK it would sound the death knell for anyone with prospects of appearing in Government.
"Christianity is common in US politics but if you talk about it in our system and, frankly, people do think you're a nutter", he says with his mind obviously returning to the embarrassing ridicule he received from all sides when it was mentioned that he prayed with George Bush and the more sinister line of questioning he received when Bush said that God had told him to invade Iraq.
With the danger being that the politician makes decisions based on their faith and allows themselves to be guided by their religious beliefs rather than hard facts, long may we mock anyone who comes to Downing Street clutching a bible.
Religion has done, and continues, to do so much damage around the World, we can only benefit from a lack of the God Squad deciding things for us.
Monday, 26 November 2007
The Oxford Debate
For some, the problem with freedom of speech is that anyone then has the right to freely say things we may find abhorrent, such people as the convicted Holocaust denier David Irving and BNP leader Nick Griffin.
Both have been invited to address a meeting tonight on the freedom of speech at the Oxford Union, much to the exasperation of many who are calling for the event to be cancelled.
Presumably they would prefer to pretend such extreme views do not exist and would prefer the students were not exposed to the views of the BNP, rather they spend their educational lives in a the protective bubble of academia.
To my mind there is no doubt that the debate ought to take place. Such poor ideas have to be aired in order to be repudiated by argument and debate. We need to ridicule the outlandish and dangerous outpourings of the likes of Irving and Griffin because repressing or pretending that they don't exist is not an effective answer.
A quick trip around the blogosphere will show just how many offensive and downright idiotic views there are out there spoken by the ignorant, deluded or just plain misinformed and although we can ignore them on this medium, it proves that these views do exist in our societies.
Let the likes of Griffin and Irving speak and let us debate them in order to defeat them and hold them up as ridiculous fabrications of unreasoning minds.
Both have been invited to address a meeting tonight on the freedom of speech at the Oxford Union, much to the exasperation of many who are calling for the event to be cancelled.
Presumably they would prefer to pretend such extreme views do not exist and would prefer the students were not exposed to the views of the BNP, rather they spend their educational lives in a the protective bubble of academia.
To my mind there is no doubt that the debate ought to take place. Such poor ideas have to be aired in order to be repudiated by argument and debate. We need to ridicule the outlandish and dangerous outpourings of the likes of Irving and Griffin because repressing or pretending that they don't exist is not an effective answer.
A quick trip around the blogosphere will show just how many offensive and downright idiotic views there are out there spoken by the ignorant, deluded or just plain misinformed and although we can ignore them on this medium, it proves that these views do exist in our societies.
Let the likes of Griffin and Irving speak and let us debate them in order to defeat them and hold them up as ridiculous fabrications of unreasoning minds.
Friday, 23 November 2007
Sett På Du Sverige
Since England have been sent skittering buttocks-first at speed out of the European Football Championships next summer, us Anglo-Saxons now have the added conundrum of which country to switch our allegiance to.
I consulted my Welsh, Scots and Irish friends who are old hats at dealing with their country failing to qualify for international events and they are at a loss also, because they usually just cheer for whoever are playing against England at the time.
Some of us have some link to other nations through ancestry, relatives or marriage so the leap to adopting another Euro-nation is not that tough but what of those of us with just English blood running through our family trees? Which of the 16 other countries should we contemplate having a short and passionate fling with next summer?
Croatia and Russia knocked us out so they are first to feel the tip of my size 5's. My next whittling exercise are places that never make it off the starting blocks as places to holiday. Bye Greece, Poland, Romania & Turkey.
Countries with a right wing Government are removed next so Austria, France, Italy and Switzerland are all handed a Simon Cowell-esque put down before being sent from the room.
The Portuguese manager was all set to become England manager before changing his mind and leaving us to appoint the useless lump who got us into this mess so Portugal can take a hike and take the bull stabbing and goat throwing Spanish with them.
I would be asking to be ostracised and probably boiled alive if i backed Germany considering they have an unnerving knack of making our players look even more pathetic than they actually are so we are left with the orange wearing Netherlands or the yellow clad Swedes.
I love everything about Sweden and it is where Santa lives so slice me another piece of knäckebröd, put some ABBA on the CD player and pour me another stor stark because Sweden, that is my foot you can feel rubbing against your leg under the table.
I consulted my Welsh, Scots and Irish friends who are old hats at dealing with their country failing to qualify for international events and they are at a loss also, because they usually just cheer for whoever are playing against England at the time.
Some of us have some link to other nations through ancestry, relatives or marriage so the leap to adopting another Euro-nation is not that tough but what of those of us with just English blood running through our family trees? Which of the 16 other countries should we contemplate having a short and passionate fling with next summer?
Croatia and Russia knocked us out so they are first to feel the tip of my size 5's. My next whittling exercise are places that never make it off the starting blocks as places to holiday. Bye Greece, Poland, Romania & Turkey.
Countries with a right wing Government are removed next so Austria, France, Italy and Switzerland are all handed a Simon Cowell-esque put down before being sent from the room.
The Portuguese manager was all set to become England manager before changing his mind and leaving us to appoint the useless lump who got us into this mess so Portugal can take a hike and take the bull stabbing and goat throwing Spanish with them.
I would be asking to be ostracised and probably boiled alive if i backed Germany considering they have an unnerving knack of making our players look even more pathetic than they actually are so we are left with the orange wearing Netherlands or the yellow clad Swedes.
I love everything about Sweden and it is where Santa lives so slice me another piece of knäckebröd, put some ABBA on the CD player and pour me another stor stark because Sweden, that is my foot you can feel rubbing against your leg under the table.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Beware Blonde Conversation
A long time devotee of paying someone an extortionate amount of money to keep my naturally light brown hair full of blonde highlights, i was amused to read about the study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology that found men become more stupid after talking to blonde women.
There has been a long held view that being blonde meant that a woman was not overly blessed in the brain-cell department and the report's conclusion is that the stereotype of the dumb blonde is so firmly ingrained in the male psyche that men subconsciously become more stupid than they really are when they see one.
The research was based on tests carried out at Paris Nanterre University where men were shown pictures of women with different coloured hair, then made to take a general knowledge test. Those who had been shown pictures of blonde women scored lower marks than those who had been shown pictures of brunettes and redheads.
My first thought was how could the intelligence of anyone who engages his brain according to the hair colour of the female he is talking to was ever at a recordable level in the first place but then i thought i would just shout out some names of famous blonde's that dispel this rumour about being blonde means being dumb.
So step forward Britney Spears, Courtney Love, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Hilary Duff, Baby Spice, Christina Applegate, Pamela Anderson....oh what's the point, i give up.
There has been a long held view that being blonde meant that a woman was not overly blessed in the brain-cell department and the report's conclusion is that the stereotype of the dumb blonde is so firmly ingrained in the male psyche that men subconsciously become more stupid than they really are when they see one.
The research was based on tests carried out at Paris Nanterre University where men were shown pictures of women with different coloured hair, then made to take a general knowledge test. Those who had been shown pictures of blonde women scored lower marks than those who had been shown pictures of brunettes and redheads.
My first thought was how could the intelligence of anyone who engages his brain according to the hair colour of the female he is talking to was ever at a recordable level in the first place but then i thought i would just shout out some names of famous blonde's that dispel this rumour about being blonde means being dumb.
So step forward Britney Spears, Courtney Love, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Hilary Duff, Baby Spice, Christina Applegate, Pamela Anderson....oh what's the point, i give up.
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Headline Of The Year
When you see a headline like 'Man found guilty of having sex with a bicycle' two questions form in your mind. Why and more importantly how?
Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.
"He was naked and holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth" said the stunned cleaner who caught and reported him.
Mr Stewart never explained why and it might be best left to our own imagination how.
Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.
"He was naked and holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth" said the stunned cleaner who caught and reported him.
Mr Stewart never explained why and it might be best left to our own imagination how.
No Surprises Here Then
Why does this story from that seat of Woman's Human Rights known as Saudi Arabia not surprise me.
A 19 year old woman was raped 14 times by seven men. In court the men were sentenced to between 10 months and five years for the offence. The victim was sentenced to 90 lashes as punishment for riding in a car with a man who was not a relative.
The woman appealed and the judge agreed that receiving 90 lashes for being gang raped was outrageous so he ordered her to receive 200 lashes instead and jailed her for six months.
She is expected to appeal again as soon as she appoints a new lawyer because her original one had his licence revoked for backing the woman's appeal against the original decision.
A 19 year old woman was raped 14 times by seven men. In court the men were sentenced to between 10 months and five years for the offence. The victim was sentenced to 90 lashes as punishment for riding in a car with a man who was not a relative.
The woman appealed and the judge agreed that receiving 90 lashes for being gang raped was outrageous so he ordered her to receive 200 lashes instead and jailed her for six months.
She is expected to appeal again as soon as she appoints a new lawyer because her original one had his licence revoked for backing the woman's appeal against the original decision.
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