Friday, 30 November 2007

Ich Bein Americans

What with all this talk of America going down the tubes i began writing a post about inviting you yanks back to the bosom of Mother Britain. Searching for inspiration, i found a letter on the Internet that has been around for years and is accredited to John Cleese inviting the same and setting out conditions for your return. Very amusing but the reply offering Britain to become a state of the USA if we can satisfy the following criteria had me laughing like a blocked drain. Here is an abridged version.

1. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

2. Your should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

3. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better.

4. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler.

5. Hunting with packs of dogs is banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.

6. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion.

7. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year.. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members.

8. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).


Miz UV said...

Hah! I know we'd have trouble adapting to the UK because of the ice thing. Not me though: I'm always drinking warm soda. Cheers!

Joe the Troll said...

What is a cracker over there, anyway?

Lucyp said...

I love the Flag one because people here are always whinging about the Union Jack being upside down and i haven't got a clue myself because it looks the same to me either way.
A cracker is something you put cheese on.

Joe the Troll said...

Okay, same here, but I thought that was a "biscuit" there. What's a "biscuit", then?

Lucyp said...

A biscuit is something you dunk in your tea so we have bourbons, custard creams, garibaldi's, choc chip cookies, rich tea, digestives, chocolate digestives, hob nobs and finger biscuits.
Do you just not call them all cookies while we have certain types and more confusingly, one called a cookie?

Joe the Troll said...

We have different kinds of cookies, and they are all sweets. Choc. Chip, oatmean, cinnamon & sugar, the types are infinite but they are all sweets. Crackers are thin grain wafers of varying sorts, usually used with cheese but also meat spreads, caviar, etc. They're meant as a snack or appetizer. The only sweet ones are graham crackers, which can be used in cookieish ways at times. Biscuits are kind of like rolls, they're usually served hot and are larger than crackers and are part of breakfast, eaten with butter or jam.