Thursday 9 June 2022

Special Guest Blogger: Tanaka Shinbei

When your nickname is Heaven’s Punisher you know people think of you as some sort of badass but i was destined for a life of farming until i was introduced to martial arts and especially Jigen-ryu which shows you how to kill your opponent with one blow of your sword and if you take two or three slashes at them, it makes you some kind of pussy.
I was a natural and got real good real fast so nobody ever actually needed to called me a pussy, instead i got enrolled into the assassination group of the royalists and after performing my first assassination for them, i became a Samurai, and many other people quickly became corpses with the most confirmed kills of the Royalist assassins.
I took out politicians and pretty much anyone who got in my way but my most famous assassination was that of Ii Naosuke, the person who signed the Treaty of Amity and Commerce between Japan and the United States when the Yankees turned up with their navy on our shoreline and said 'howdy, it would just be super swell if you guys ended your 250-year-long isolationist policy and opened up your ports to us or else'.
I wanted to reply to their order for Japan to trade with them with an 'or else what?' by introducing them to my sword and driving them right out of Japanese waters with their tails between their legs, or at least those of them who had somehow retained the use of their legs, but Naosuke turned pussy so i got all murdery on him and turned him into bite size sushi chunks.
Eventually, all the assassinations led to the creation of the Shinsengumi, an elite military police force tasked with capturing us and restore law and order which they did and i was arrested on put on trial and exhibit number one was my sword.
I asked if i could see it and the idiots actually handed it to me so naturally i took the noble action of cutting my own throat and died but for all my killing, i was doing what i thought was best for my country, just that while many roads are paved with good intentions, i left ours paved with gruesome bits of body parts.

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