Monday 19 June 2023

Today Is...The First Council of Nicaea

The Christian message is quite straight forward really, it all came about when a man in the clouds made the first couple who went on to annoy him by being enticed into eating an apple by a talking snake and if you are good then you go to the good place to listen to harps and if you are bad then you go to the bad place and listen to things like Hawaiian guitars and Banjo's.
Back in the early days that wasn't such an easy sell and due to one guy called Arius suggesting that there might have been a time when Christ hadn't existed, like, say, before he was born, the big bananas called a meeting to set some ground rules for this new religion.
Arius said that if Jesus was the son of God, there must have been a time before God Begat him when it was just God all on his lonesome so that must mean that Jesus was not infinite and eternal, only God is, but the Church told him to shut his big fat yap and actually, FYI, the Holy Trinity of God, Jesus and the Holy Sprit were the same thing but the Roman Emperor Constantine got involved and ordered a meeting of all the top Churchy types to end the Christological dispute and set some rules.
Two months and a few thrown slaps and punches later (they was actually a few hooks and right crosses thrown), the Church decided that God's son wasn't actually the son of God at all but God himself and anyone who says different is a heretic and will burn in the fires of hell.
They also decided when Jesus's birthday was and said that's when Easter should be and tided up and established what Christians believed such as what will happen on Judgement Day and when the congregation should fall to their knees in Church. 
As for Arius he was exiled but was then invited back into the Church a year later but on the way there suddenly felt faint and to put it politely, there was a violent relaxation of his bowels, or to put it less delicately, he shat myself, violently. So violently in fact that amongst the red and brown stuff on the floor behind him was his small intestines, spleen and liver.
Some said it was God making a statement about him being bought back into the fold but it was probably down to the copious amounts of poison on his food rather than a Holy assassination by bowel evacuation.

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