Monday, 27 April 2009

Dealing With The Muslim Threat

Gordon Brown looked more troubled than usual as he entered the cabinet office and took his seat at the head of the table.
He gave a small sigh and shook his head slowly as he digested the headlines of the morning papers spread out before him. It wasn't good news, 'MUSLIMS RELEASED WITHOUT CHARGE. NO TERRORIST PLOT AFTER ALL' screamed the front page of the Independent.
'STUDENT'S INNOCENT' was the headline of the Guardian. 'MURDERING MUSLIM ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FREED' spouted The Sun.
The rest of the cabinet waited in silence until their leader neatly folded the newspapers and commenced the meeting.
Dismissing the usual pleasantries, he set about the burning issue of how yet more young men of Asian appearance had been arrested in a blaze of publicity only to be released days later without charge.
"We must be able to find some Muslims who are hell bent on blowing us up" he urged looking towards the Home Secretary "I go on TV and say how we have foiled an imminent terrorist attack and it turns out all we have is a bunch of Pakistani University students. Not one of them had the decency to have any incriminating evidence in his flat".
He stroked his chin and cast his one good eye around the room.
"The problem" he continued slowly "is that there isn't any obvious differences between peace-loving Muslim living here and rage-filled Muslims intent on causing murder and mayhem."
"I am putting forward a motion in the House of Commons this afternoon that makes it law that all angry Muslims harbouring ambitions to explode bombs in this country must wear a large 'I'm a Terrorist' badge on their jackets" spoke up the Home Secretary shuffling her papers and shifting the receipt for 'Debbie Does Dallas: The return' to the back of her folder.
Gordon smiled broadly, "Great idea, get 5 million of them ordered because the present policy of poking a gun in the face of anyone male and Muslim and dragging them off to the nick for 14 days of interrogation isn't working."
"Thinking outside the box a little" piped up the Secretary for something or other "We could always avoid arresting Muslims until we have some firm evidence that they are planning to attack us".
After the laughter had died down, Gordon Brown wiped the tears from his eyes and chuckled "But seriously, we need a policy that allows us to look as if we are doing everything we can to protect our citizens from the millions of Islamic fundamentalists bearing suicide belts residing here so we can bring in more draconian laws to clamp down on environmental protesters, bring in Identification cards and throw hecklers out of our party conferences".
There was a collective scratching of heads around the table and after a few minutes of silence Brown pushed back his chair, stood up and declared "Well I can't think of anything, so meeting over and Charles, send an armed SWAT team over to that Indian takeaway around the corner. We have to get lucky one day".