Dating Tips For Singles

 
As i have been married for more years than my husband cares to remember, i haven't been dating since Lou Diamond Phillips was still considered a decent actor but if i was single then my first date test would be do you have a collection of Star Wars figures or a model train set in the attic and if the answer is yes then if the toilet window wasn’t big enough for me to scramble out of then i would politely tell them a second date would not be necessary.
During a discussion with friends we came up with a list of things that means when it comes to giving them your mobile number you should 'accidentally' give the last two digits wrong because if you ever met them again you would be wondering what life decisions led you back to them.
Odd socks, unwashed hair, licking their fingers, arriving late, looking nothing like their profile photos or saying they are 6ft but obviously having to stand on a box to look in the mirror when they brush their hair or insisting on ordering food or drinks for you are signs that mean you should be eyeing the distance to a fire exit ready for when they nip to the bar.
If they say they are not like any of the other dates you may have been on then they obviously are because all the dates say this and if they turn whatever you say into a story about them or talk about their exe's or how much the earn then you should really think about taking this relationship to the previous level, like before you met them.
Using words like 'ping me an email', 'inbox me' or any mention of anything being 'outside the box' should be met with words like 'i'll be back in a tick' and any one who causally uses olde English like 'methinks', 'fair maiden', 'barkeep' or 'nay' should be told thou art a huge twat who has watched far too much Game of Thrones and left alone with their frothing pint of ale.
If they call you 'babe', 'sweetheart', 'darling', 'honey' or 'love' within the first five minutes of meeting them or correct your grammar or give you fitness tips to get in shape then it's either half a lager in their face or being the only person to hear your phone go with a text about a family emergency you must attend to immediately, either option will do.  
Finally, if they have a pet name for their car or a body part, photographs their food, calls their mum/friends while on the date, makes joking insults about you and call it 'banter' or repeating TV catchphrases it should have you looking out the window in the hope that a plane will fall on you but probably the best (or worst) sign that the person is not going to be your one and only is if they turn up with a printed out list of dating techniques from a blog then you should probably back away very slowly and do not make eye contact.